💾 Archived View for augers.srht.site › journal › 2021-10-11.gmi captured on 2022-03-01 at 15:21:54. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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CS
if i have a 'weird food thing', CS also does, and it is that she can't be seen eating.
"unless i'm comfortable with someone."
"are you not comfortable with me?"
"well, i am. i guess not."
"hm."
"i'm just dissociated right now."
"right."
"i hate going to dinner."
and i thought i was doing her a favor by inviting her. i hate dinner, too, but for different reasons.
she barely pecked away at her panini, got it in a to-go box, and then threw it away the second we left. was it a bad piece of food or is she incapable of eating? not sure.
CS is very wonderful and very seductive. i wonder if we might just be compatible.
any time a date goes well it makes me question:
am i ready after all?
my stated desire is to fall in love, *to* love, to commit, and be in a lasting relationship. and i see the possibilities, but they all fall short of some expectation. there is always something wrong, and i'm far too aware of what i'll be giving up if i get into a relationship. i don't think that's a helpful way to think about it, and it stops me from moving forward. stops me from mentioning the whole conundrum at all.
perhaps being alone, in front of a terminal, writing this journal entry is exactly where i should be — no partners around.
for now.