💾 Archived View for ulthar.cat › doc › own-world.gmi captured on 2022-03-01 at 19:22:10. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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2022-01-28 ~fel
i feel like i just want things to be mine. its hard to be comfortable in a space where you do not know what is going on, or how things work. and the only way to know how something works, is to have made it yourself, either literally or an exact replica. this is hard, obviously. we live in an increasingly complex world, its pretty much impossible to truly start from scratch and become one with it, at least without some self deception and ignoring certain parts (how electric rock do math). i get anxious if i dont know if something is going to do something i dont want it to, since its my computer regardless so the consequences are naturally mine to burden. it feels like this should be easy to avoid, but every person implants expectations into their creations, so its just unlucky when those conflict with mine. its going to happen regardless. if there were no shortcuts taken, then it wouldnt have much of a use anyways. so thus, the goal is to build tooling and worlds for yourself where the shortcuts are always, exactly (or at least within certain bounds), what you expect.
i think most of my life is trying to reach that point, of just total comfort and security, understanding myself and others around me. first comes the internal of course, its the starting point of your own existence by definition. without understanding yourself how can you understand where you fit in the puzzle of life, relative to every other dynamic and constantly changing attribute. once you understand yourself you can begin to question the outer world, step by step shifting your place in it until you reside where you want. its a journey just like learning how to make your own tools are, it cannot be built overnight. it requires a combination of circumstances, motivation, and knowledge to make it (as do all things, tbh.) i think i am quite fortunate, i was born into a blood family and met new family that fit into the world i want quite convenently. of course i couldnt say whether it was fortune or if they shaped what i wanted, but the end result is the same so i dont really mind.
i dont get how people can just.. be fine consuming. even when i read books, which is about as pure of consumption i do, i use it to live in the worlds they create. i think its fun taking a break from the one im in, even though i still like and much prefer the one i have. i use their world and merge it with mine, at least conceptually. consumption and digestion, not just endless nom nom nom. well this will turn into general anti-social media rant if this continues. just like, appreciate the art you consume. that entails curating it also, giving it respect.
of course an undeniable part is the feeling of projecting your inner self onto your creations being just plainly fantastic. i dont really think that part is deniable aha. turns almost anything into an art i think, represnts your emotions and responses that any other medium could. could even have full story telling, if x thing was created to address y problem. maybe im going a little off the deep end here -w-
still, i think its important. if we were all machines pumping out attempts at universally "ideal" tools, im not sure very many could get enjoyment out of it. i couldnt at least, and its one of my main worries in live, how to live a sustainable life without compromising to what i firmly do not believe in. this is certainly a common issue in the modern software world, so no point elaborating :p
i write much rant, i tire. thinking hard i am no philosopher. just random spewing thoughts that seem right in the now, and probably not in the future.
maybe one day ill be completely comfortable in my own world, though im certainly better off than i used to be, by quite a lot. curate and hack your world folks