💾 Archived View for koyu.space › the_kitten › coming_out.gmi captured on 2022-03-01 at 15:26:21. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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It was two years ago. Even if people were referring me as a man, I was never referring to myself as something. I had the idea that the only reason I was a man and that I had to avoid girly stuff was that I have a dick and society needs roles whatever the rules are. I wasn't embracing it, but I was accepting it. I was understanding that some people wanted to change roles but why would I do that. It looked confusing and painful and for what? Having another role that I would not embrace again? There was no point to go trans. I was str8 to, cause I always been as far as I know and "never questioned that." For some reason I was jealous silently about the LGBTQ+ community cause I was envying that liberty of mind. I didn't get exactly why yet. I was curious to when people were talking about it and even tried to help an association at school as an ally. It stayed like that until university. I learned the word agender and none binary and I was thinking it was making sense. It is when I started to question, still secretly my identity. Once someone said something about the experience of being a woman and a man. When she assumed I was a man, I said as what I was thinking was a joke "Did you just assumed my gender?" But that really came from my inside. It really felt right. Someone asked me if I was identified another way and I didn't answer. I was just confused about what I felt. I accidentally expressed my questioning out of my brain for the first time. Later, a lot of tension started to build between me and my girlfriend at the time. She where really into feminism, but the gender binary kind. She where saying things like men use the trans identity to infiltrate women space or that trans woman people should not go into woman bathrooms cause women need safe spaces. Once I was saying that the gender roles weren't just bad for women. That even I was affected. I was saying that I wasn't able to put makeup and do other feminine stuff without being criticized. That I would feel unsafe doing that. She said that it was a minor disagreement and when I said that it kinda felt major to me, she was laughing at me saying that it was "Men's tears". Another day she was saying that, basically, there were just men and women's experiences. Not exactly, but where explaining something from those two genders without thinking about none binary people. I don't remember the context. I said that some people were agender and none binary too. I was thinking that it was just something she forgot to think about, but she was repeating the same thing over and over. Realising that the omission of none binary people where intentional, I just responded with a "Fuck you". It was the first time I said that to her. It felt big. We looked really offended and just replied the same. I didn't know what to do with that so I just tried to forget and assume it will change if she know I am agender. A couple of months later, she was seeing a woman. We were polyam. I was ok with that. I actually asked about her. Just to know. I am a really curious person. I wanted to know what was happening in her life. I think I was like "That woman that you are seeing. Is it going well?" She responded with "I don't want a man to be part of my lesbian life." or something like that. I felt attacked. I didn't care about having some boundaries, but I wanted her to start to care about my gender identity. I didn't like how that label became so important and that I felt trapped with it. I said "I know I have a man's presentation, but I don't feel like it." I wanted to ask to stop referring me as a man, but I got scared and when to hide in the bedroom. I stood there for a while, not knowing what to do before she came to me saying that I am a man cause I am starting engineering, a heavily men represented study field. I said nothing. I felt so gross, like if that main label was starting to leak on me. I physically felt horrible for some reason. We broke up. I wan to live in a colocation with two guys. I was like "Now that I am not in a relationship, I will experience outside of mascunality and discover what I like, what I actually am and find people that like me like that." I also started to question my sexuality, discovered that I was scared about having sex with a guy because of all the violence I had from guys and a lot of internalised homophobia. I learned to bypass that fear and had some fun. Covid-19 kinda stopped me to continue having multiple partners, but like the terminator, "I'll be back."
That was the hard part. XD I come from a farm family in a little town. They don't have a lot of exposure to that. I mostly just came out as a bisexual to them yet. I think that it is more useful and less dangerous. They probably don't even know what agender means. So I started with my dad. It was in the new year. I just when to him while he was alone. I was expecting the worst. I asked him if he thinks the family would be ok with me bringing a boyfriend. He looked at me. He said "Are you serious?" I said "Yes. It is ok. I am just not limited to women." He said "I have a problem with that". The strategy was to make him softer on bad reactions by making him feel bad to be completely against me while I assume he is on my side. I know it is a little bit manipulative, but I needed that extra protection to feel safe. He just seems to ignore it since. My grandmother knows now and I don't remember the exact moment I told her. With my mom, I just told her that I was seeing a guy and she where ok with it. She just asked me if it means I like to where girly stuff to which I replied "Nooooo..." Without mentioning that I actually do sometime. XD
I thought I never questioned that before, but I was wrong. Memories resurfaced during that process. I actually been attracted by some friends in the past. I felt ashamed or scared and just stopped thinking about it. The weird thing is, I never saw it as a bad thing when it was about someone else but it was bad if it was coming from me. I also felt somehow felt so good that Halloween I was disguised as a girl in a group of girl cause it was actually hard to see that I was different in the pictures. I remember one time when I was in my bedroom thinking. I was a teenager. Maybe late 17. I asked to myself "Are you gay?" I taught about it a little and replied "You like girls? Stick with that. It is easier." I think I need to feel safe was greater that I need to explore myself. I have been bullied and it was one of the first few years out of it.
So this is my coming out story. I think it is nice to share that kind of stuff. Sometimes it can help others to prepare for their own. It wasn't the best neither the worst. Nowadays I have a cute two spirit partner that enjoys the fluidity in my nowadays gender presentation. I feel a lot better with my body. I love my new free queer life. Covid 19 made me stop to see other people. I had a separation just before. So we are kinda mono for now, but we are both into poliamoury and will probably see people after covid. I kinda miss having a meta. A meta is the other person in relation to the person you love. I like to team up to make the person I love more happy. I might do a poliamoury writing in here somewhere.:)
Love y'all.
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