💾 Archived View for clemat.is › saccophore › library › ezines › textfiles › ezines › Y0LK › y0lk-107… captured on 2022-01-08 at 17:44:04.
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YOUR LIFE UP TO THIS POINT HAS BEEN A BIG FAT JOKE. YOU ARE AWARE OF THIS
FACT. IF YOU WISH TO REPAIR YOUR HOPELESS LIFE SITUATION, PUT DOWN EVERYTHING
AND PREPARE YOUR MIND FOR THE TEXTUAL MECCA THAT IS Y0LK. PREPARE TO SUBMIT
YOUR SOUL TO THE ALMIGHTY...
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$$$$ $ $ $ $ $$ $ $| |$
$$$$ $ $ $ $ $$ $ $: y0lq issue number #one hundred seven..... :$
$$$$bgg $ $ $ $ g $ $. "glorp's fatal error" author: creed .$
$$$$ $ $ $ $ $ $bsg $: :$
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- from the private files of the y0lk production force -
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it was 9:45 pm. tom, glorp, and steve sat hunched in a semicircle
half-surrounding a square table at apu's italian eatery. outside, the town's
youth were hustling around on street corners, making noise and smoking
cigarettes. the droning sound of their voices filled the town and could be
heard faintly from inside the restaraunt.
"there's nothing in the whole fucking world worse than a town full of
human filth," tom blurted out with his mouth full of cheesesteak.
steve sighed softly and stared down at his untouched slices of pizza.
"i know exactly how you feel. can you believe these kids, throwing their bikes
down on the sidewalk, polluting the streets with their presence and disgusting
voices? don't they have families? it's like they think they own the town."
the discussion followed typically. steve and tom had run through this
one at least three nights this week. glorp sat silently, studying the map of
sicily hung up on the wall of the eatery. without looking down, he grabbed a
mozzarella stick from the plate in front of him, and inserted it into his
mouth.
what glorp did not know was that all mozzarella sticks are endowed with
the immortal powers of y0lk upon their conception. when glorp placed that
short rod of fried cheese into his mouth, he was actually consuming the power
of the ancient y0lkians, from which all civilization emerged. a feeling of
ecstasy filled him, giving him strength that all regular mozzarella-stick
connossieurs should be more than familiar with.
with the uncontrollable force of the y0lkians, glorp stood up, pushed
the square table over, and screamed "I AM A *GOD* N0W!!!!" his eyes turned a
blinding yellow and pink smoke began to emerge from behind them. the room
began to rumble as he summoned the legendary robot Y0LKTR0N, defender of the
universe, to come to his side and aid in the destruction of all that he did not
approve of in the world...
BUT SUDDENLY, the blaring sound of the y0lk theme song could be heard
from the streets outside. the y0lk global catastrophe intervention and
catering force had arrived! as the FATMOBILE, painted in blazing colors,
pulled up to the sidewalk and came to a screeching halt, the side door slid
open and the almighty y0lk force spewed out with cat-like agility!
first came CREED, dressed in his black velvet pants, brown boots,
flowing black cape, and his GIRL POWER skin-tight belly shirt, and armed with
the almighty blue SUPERHAPPYFUNBALL he had purchased an hour earlier for $1.69
at the price chopper supermarket! surrounded by his unbreakable teenage cloud
of apathy, he moved to the side of the street and dribbled the
SUPERHAPPYFUNBALL patiently, preparing for combat!
then, after a brief pause to tie his shoes inside the FATMOBILE,
PHORCE (still affiliated with y0lk) stumbled out! after falling on his face
onto the sidewalk, he reached into his backpack and pulled out a stack of y0lk
issues he had photocopied the night before and began to distribute them to
various citizens as they passed by on the sidewalk!
after pondering his state for a while, MOGEL decided to remain in the
FATMOBILE! he picked up his cheap laptop and began to arrange a textfile to
publish from the y0lk event!
"good thinking, MOGEL!" boomed SATAN, as he clunked out of the
FATMOBILE. he laughed with insane glee at something, apparently very evil,
that eluded the rest of the y0lk force. the cackling continued for two minutes
ago, until SATAN noticed that no one was laughing with him. he blushed, which
the y0lk force also did not notice, since his skin was dark red anyway, and
stepped to the side to accompany CREED and PHORCE.
ALSO PRESENT AT THE EVENT WERE: TRIP, BELIAL, BIG HURT, MUTTER, HOOCH,
IDEAL, EERIE, AND MERCURI, ALONG WITH ANYONE ELSE WHO MAY HAVE HELPED THE Y0LK
EFFORT OVER THE YEARS. UNFORTUNATELY, THEY HAD TO REMAIN INSIDE THE FATMOBILE
FOR THIS MISSION DUE TO OVERCROWDING, EXCESS OF CHARACTERIZATION AND INSIDE
JOKES, AND COMPLETE ABSENCE OF PLOT. THE EVENTS THAT FOLLOWED WERE QUITE
AMAZING BUT REALLY NOT WORTH MENTIONING AT THIS TIME. FOR THOSE WONDERING, THE
NIGHT BORE A STRIKING RESEMBLANCE TO AN EPISODE OF VOLTRON. BUT THAT'S NOT THE
POINT.
THE POINT IS, Y0LK IS A FORCE THAT SHOULD NOT BE IGNORED NOR TAMPERED
WITH. THOSE WHO FAIL TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE POWERS OF Y0LK ARE PERFECTLY FREE TO
DO SO, BUT THE Y0LK PRODUCTION FORCE STRONGLY RECOMMENDS THAT YOU DO OTHERWISE.
IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN ORDER AND LIVE A LONG, SATISFYING LIFE, YOU SHOULD BE
ADVISED TO OBEY, PHEAR, AND HUMBLY BOW DOWN TO Y0LK.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.