💾 Archived View for clemat.is › saccophore › library › ezines › textfiles › ezines › Y0LK › y0lk-073… captured on 2022-01-08 at 17:42:48.
⬅️ Previous capture (2021-12-05)
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---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
yabba-dabba do, scooby-dooby do, and many other mysteries of life
---(HANDLE)-------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey man how's it going? Wow, nothings really going on in my life
right now, so I thought I'd just write something and hope I stumble into
some amusing *anticdotes*.
*Wow I wonder if that's how you spell it? I've never actually used that
word in a sentence before now.
---(this should be amusing)---------------------------------------------------
Just read on, it might not be to bad.
Okay, so right now I'm sitting in my room listening to the radio and
writing this, man am I the life of the party. Any girls out there want to
get with a guy that lays around all day? Um, I guess probably not. I
really should go out and do something...damn. Well I tried to think of
something to do, but I couldn't think of anything that doesn't involve doing
unentertaining things with people that I don't like.
"Ain't anybody gonna get up here and love my ass?" -Jim Morrison
Hey what do you know, I put a quote in. Now it's a real t-file.
Let's see, I could always go uptown and hang around with the hippies, who
seem to live there. Good thing I've got you, it's lonely on top. Sometimes
I wish I wasn't intelligent enough to see that everyone around me is a bunch
of morons, and then I could just go about being a moron and not even notice.
Well, to late for that. I remember when I first read a zine, it was hoe,
mogels old zine. Mercuri gave em to me and I read 1-90 in my spare time the
next few days. I was actually astonished that there were other young people
who had thoughts in their heads. Well at least thoughts that weren't about
smoking pot and breaking stuff. Bunch of rejects.
Wow, now I think I'll write a sweet little poem.
incense burning
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
peaceful protest in the lawn,
gleaming ember in their eyes,
beads drop like bombs on a wartorn city,
peace is shattered by the sound of screams,
trips are ruined by the smell of burning flesh,
police search the scene and find one thing,
incense burning.
Get it? It was autobiographical. It was about me burning hippies.
Man those silly hippies, they sure are funny to look at. Wow, I really
can't write poems can I? Oh well I've never done it before and never intend
to do it again. Damn I'm sick of all these girls hanging outside my window,
it's a bitch being me. But then again it's kind of easy when you listen to
the G'd up sound.
Go Ricki! Go Ricki! Go Ricki! Go Ricki! Go Ricki! Go Ricki! Go Ricki!
Go Ricki! Go Ricki! Go Ricki! Go Ricki! Go Ricki! Go Ricki! Go Ricki!
---(using the patented y0lk dividers huh? real original)---------------------
Why's the divider line always gotta be so bitchy?
Oh well, I guess it's my fault really. I do have complete control
over what it says.
---(HANDLE is one sexy mama)--------------------------------------------------
That's better, hmm...maybe you all would like to hear a little about
what my lifes like. If not just skip over this portion. I wonder if I'm
feeling really negative right now or if that's just the effect writing for
y0lk has on you? Issue y0lk as a depressant? The ideas got potential.
I find it really sad that the gene pool that spawned me is so
corrupted. My dad's side of the family is all losers and alcoholics and my
mother comes from a long line of hicks from southern Indiana.
( Where that whole Indiana = Hick, thing came from )
But that is not what I wish to talk about on this occasion today. My
mom's not a hillbilly or anything but she is in fact an idiot. She has
absolutely no idea what's going on around her at any time, yet she insists
on trying to tell verybody what to do. A perfect example of this is what
just happened a few minutes ago. I was watching TV and listening to the
radio at the same time, being the multi talented person that I am. Now keep
in mind the television was in fact louder than the radio. My idiot mother
yells up the stairs for me to turn it down. Assuming "it" being the TV
I pick up the remote and lower the volume. Thirty seconds later once again
she yells... no wait a second she doesn't scream she shreaks. It's the
scariest thing I've ever experienced and the first time Mercuri heard it I
had to let him borrow some underwear. Okay, so once again she shreiks this
time saying...
"I thought I told you to turn that down!"
"I did."
"No you didn't!"
"Yes I did, in fact I turned it off."
"Then how come I can still hear it."
"Because you live in a magic world with houses made from gumdrops."
-man am I oh so witty
Then she storms up into my room and turns the radio off.
"This shits to damn loud!"
"You can stop yelling now your in my room."
"Next time I tell you to turn it down, do it!"
"I assumed you were talking about the TV."
Going down stairs I look over at my radio and notice that the volume
was set at the lowest possible level that it could be. Now this is just an
example, this is in no way why I think she's a moron. She has the reading
level of a fifth grader and the comprehension level of an infant. But still
she insists that she is better than everybody, just because she owns a
restaurant. Which in fact is owned by my stepfather. My stepdad's not all
that stupid but he does dance around the house sticking his thumbs up in the
air, and he didn't finish high school. _Every_ day for the past six months
she has asked me what channel "Seinfeld" is on, the other day she asked me
how to spell "lawyer". There is really no hope for her, I have just realized
that I can't express how idiotic she is in a T-file. It just comes out as
little trivial things, but you have to understand that these little things
are piled up upon each other and they never stop. Next to my stepsister who
is the child of these two morons, she is the stupidest person I've met in my
life.
---(your family sucks)--------------------------------------------------------
And now a story by, of course, me, entitled "All Dog Bites Go To Heaven".
It's pretty much an inside joke, but oh well, you might find some humor in it.
"Is it okay if I drop you off here right across the street from your
house Ed?"
"Whatdoya think Ed's to stooopid to cross a street?!"
Stepping out of the car in discus Ed, the local retard does a 360 to
survey his surroundings. Quickly the car speeds away, the driver obviously
intimidated by big Ed. "Where the hell is Ed?"
(fifteen minutes later)
Hudling close to his new found friend a retard clothed in garbage
bags and string starts to cry. "Do you think I'll ever find my way home
Woofy?"
"Arf, arf, woof, bark!"
"Don't give me any lip Woofy."
Furious at Ed's backtalk Woofy turns his head and casually bites him
on the shoulder.
"Ah, Woofy bit me! Stupid ass organic matter!"
Startled at the big man's fit of rage Woofy runs down the alley and
quickly disapears around a corner. "Damn Woofy, now how am I supposed to
find my way home?"
Wandering down the street Ed begins to notice everyone staring at
him.
"What are you all staring at?!"
Walking even further Ed comes up to a bum sitting on the corner.
"Do you know how I can get home?"
"Ed junior drives a truck."
"What are you talking about you old bum?! Fuck you! Piece of shit!"
Twenty minutes later that same retard is seen sitting on a corner
playing a harmonica.
"I've got the blues, I've got blues. I got the stupid person
dropped me off to far away from my house, then woofy bit me on the shoulder,
and now I can't find my way home, blues."
Getting up and walking down the street Ed notices a building on fire
so he rushes to the scene, but just as he tries to enter the burning
building he sees a giant worm.
"Hmmm, maybe I should pet that cute giant worm with the fangs."
Thinks Ed to himself.
"Ow, that stupid worm bit me!" Suddenly Ed feels a little queezy and
he falls to the ground. Suddenly he opens his eyes and realizes that he's
hovering above his body.
"What's this, Ed's dead? Must be that stupid dogbite!"
Traveling down a hallway of pure light Ed comes to a set of white
gates and an old man in a robe.
"Hello Ed, please repent all sins."
"Ed doesn't do repenting!"
"Please Ed, it's necesary if your going to get into heaven."
Angry Ed grabs the gates with bost hands and begins to bend the bars
around.
"Just cheap bars!"
Ed notices a vortex opening under him, but he can't move. Suddenly
he begins falling and after a few minutes his scenery begins to change.
Finally he hits the ground and looks around to see that he is in a small
cave. Looking in front of him Ed sees a large demon with a pitchfork.
"What do you think you scare Ed or something?"
"I am satan Ed, it is in your best interests to be nice to me."
"Ed doesn't be nice to anyone, I'll beat your ass you stupid fag."
"You know Ed, that's a nice butt you've got there."
"Ugh, your disgusting."
"Can I touch your breasts?"
"Get away from Ed you stupid fag!"
Pounding Satan into oblivion Ed looks around at Hell and realizes
that he's finally at home.
"Looks like Ed's the new 'Prince of Darkness'."
Looking down at his shoulder Ed notices that the little purple flap
of skin has left his body and is floating upward.
"Looks like all dogbites really do go to heaven."
---(the killer awoke before dawn...)-----------------------------------------
Loo Loo the birdie wanted to stop the oppression. For years
badminton equipment had been treated with disrespect. This file is in
memorial to Loo Loo the birdie who not only refused to give up her seat at
the front of the bus but did so much more in the time that she was alive.
July 14, 1948:
Loo Loo the birdie is born to her mother and father, Mr. and Mrs.
Louie the Lightning bug. Loo Loo soon became an inspiration to us all when
just as a child she refused to be smacked back and forth but demamded that
she and badminton equipment everywhere be treated with respect.
Since Loo Loo set the pace for other protestors badminton equipment
has gained equality among it's peers. No more kneeling before all of those
damn balls. No, now rackets and birdies would be able to prosper in the
real world. Birdies never conformed and took the shape of a ball, and even
then when they damned thereselves to a life of being shunned, they rose
above it all and demanded respect from their sports equipment peers. That
is of course until the new world order led by Gary the Basketball outlawed
any sports equipment not being in the form of a ball. That's when the
purging started. Man did Loo Loo and her comrades disapear pretty quick
after that. In conclusion I spit on you Loo Loo and all of your other
badminton brethern who just gave up when things started to get difficult.
In your later years you became a disgrace to your family, and to all of us
who knew and loved you.
However Louie the Lightning Bug, I am infatuated by your beauty. If
your ever at home feeling a little lonely just give me a call and I'll take
you out and show you a good time. Maybe you can give me some tips on how to
"play it safe" around electricity. And then I can take you home and rock
your world.
This statement should not, however be mistakenly directed towards
Louie the Lima Bean, because I find Louie the Lima Bean to be a worthless
slob that doesn't deserve to be alive. So Louie, if you are listening, I
in no way want to have sexual contact with you or any of your cousins. In
my opinion you don't deserve to live and I could really just spit on you for
reading this you big piece of poop.
That is all for my documentary on Loo Loo the birdie, I hope that you
have enjoyed it and it has given you a greater sense of smell. Now, the
next time you have to do a report on Loo Loo or her father Louie the
Lightning Bug you will have something to copy from. But this should in no
way be used as information for a report on Louie the Lima Bean, because even
bad press gives him recognition and I just don't want to be a part of that.
---(...he put his boots on)----------------------------------------------------
wow this things getting pretty long. unfortunately for you i've got
nothing better to do so i'm going to ramble on a little more. if you don't
like it then why the hell have you read this far already? okay, enough with
the "i suck" negativity i'm taking it to far.
---(i really love this guy)----------------------------------------------------
Poop, that's right I said poop comrade. Well Johnny there's only one
thing I can say to that, poop. Well comrade poop is a very funny word but
apparently you haven't discovered the frivolous bounty of the word ka-ka. Oh
Johnny your such a juvenile, I can't believe that you'd poopy poop over by
the doody fart fart booger stinky poop. Oh but I would you stinky monkey
chicken choker poo-poo head stinky poop fart snot diarreah butt juice stinky
stink family feud fart toejam stinky stink.
---(can i have your autograph?)-----------------------------------------------
wow this is getting kind of freaky, i wonder who this whole seperate
entity divider thingy is anyway? maybe he's some kind of pissed off old guy.
or maybe it's jerry garcia's spirit, mad because he's an idiot. yeah that's
it, it's the dirty hippy.
---(i was never dir...)-------------------------------------------------------
i don't have to listen to your crap you stupid hippy, i own you. wow
i'm sort of a visionary. attention all y0lk writers, take control of the
smart-ass divider line, you have to put up with his crap no longer. wow i
think i've just cured "y0lk depression syndrom" all by myself.
---(...)----------------------------------------------------------------------
well, well i think my ramblings are finally coming to an end. bye-bye
everybody, hope you don't feel cheated for spending your time on this. wait
a second, no i don't
---(poopy suit)---------------------------------------------------------------
---(samurai-notes time!#)-----------------------------------------------------
look, i *know* that this is completely unnecessary. why do i continue this
long-dead y0lk tradition? because i *care* about the old practices of y0lk.
gosh, it sounds like y0lk is a culture or something. euugh.
---(index)--------------------------------------------------------------------
.d&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$${body}amp;b.
$ ## $ title $ author $
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$ 01 $ the other white meat $ creed $
$ 02 $ several k-leet hax0rs sittin around a campfire and groovin $ creed $
$ 03 $ nuclear weapons, global destruction, op wars. $ creed $
$ 04 $ a young man, an infant, a yak... all living in sin $ creed $
$ 05 $ household uses for afghanistanian food $ creed $
$ 06 $ pour cement down my anus $ hooch $
$ 07 $ hail santa! $ creed $
$ 08 $ hasidism and sysops - a pair for the nineties? $ hooch $
$ 09 $ lunchables rock. $ creed $
$ 10 $ t-shirts and toejam $ bedlam $
$ 11 $ nap-time - the dog prank - exclusive interview $ hooch $
$ 12 $ movie reviews [showgirls!@] - win95 vs. os/2 [sorta] $ hooch $
$ 13 $ straight outta' compton - dialchix - muh dawg!@ $ hooch $
$ 14 $ i'm a tall, goofy, dorky, chink $ phorce $
$ 15 $ bedazzled by the eliteness $ creed $
$ 16 $ how to blow your nuts out with cornstarch and orangina $ creed $
$ 17 $ i am a warez pup - who are you? $ hooch $
$ 18 $ lemmings $ phorce $
$ 19 $ the science of astrology $ belial $
$ 20 $ the notorious anticlimactic bastards of the zine scene $ cd/h0 $
$ 21 $ dUcK 54uc3?!#$!? $ phorce $
$ 22 $ top 5000 reasons why i should kill myself $ creed $
$ 23 $ citrus fruits for sale $ phorce $
$ 24 $ group masturbation $ belial $
$ 25 $ ethereal experiences for perverted pyromaniacs $ creed $
$ 26 $ catering for the warez eleet $ phorce $
$ 27 $ brief mental pause $ belial $
$ 28 $ the army day camp $ belial $
$ 29 $ the geek theory, hickies, and another long day $ creed $
$ 30 $ nets, zines, and that chick from wings $ hooch $
$ 31 $ mentos! the freedom giver! $ mercuri $
$ 32 $ ramblings of a poseur $ bedlam $
$ 33 $ sitcoms, stereotypes, and satan $ creed $
$ 34 $ fuck you - a note to all y'all on #zines $ hooch $
$ 35 $ apples, oranges, and pears $ phorce $
$ 36 $ the little cultist that couldn't $ creed $
$ 37 $ careening through hyperspace at a slug-like rate $ creed $
$ 38 $ snowday $ phorce $
$ 39 $ creed is g0d $ creed $
$ 40 $ big hurt is ruler of the earth $ bighurt $
$ 41 $ dead people, nasty thoughts, and colored glue $ bighurt $
$ 42 $ bbs softwares/internet $ hooch $
$ 43 $ abandon thy gods! from yonder cometh y0lk! $ creed $
$ 44 $ mogel's own very special personalized $1 y0lk issue $ phorce $
$ 45 $ your burro is no jackass! $ creed $
$ 46 $ rollerskates, indians, eagles and cougars $ creed $
$ 47 $ outer space, ice cream, streetcars and gophers $ creed $
$ 48 $ Evan the genius becomes enlightened and melts his face off $ creed $
$ 49 $ 6 insignificant ziners in a bowling microcosm of life $ creed $
$ 50 $ the best of the worst $ creed $
$ 51 $ the prince of darkness versus some guy named dave $ trip $
$ 52 $ ode to my feet $ creed $
$ 53 $ hopelessly lost $ poots $
$ 54 $ the schoolhouse r0x!# $ phorce $
$ 55 $ campbell's chicken-noodle soup omen of death $ creed $
$ 56 $ dead cats $ juke $
$ 57 $ my inner taco $ handle $
$ 58 $ my place, or yours? $ mercuri $
$ 59 $ how to really use that spiffy monopoly money $ lumpy $
$ 60 $ struggle wif the giant pink elephant $ lucifer $
$ 61 $ why did the chicken cross the road? $ insane $
$ 62 $ y0lk test pattern $ mutter $
$ 63 $ ELiTE LiT from the master himself $ creed $
$ 64 $ creed's k-rad lit archives, volume two $ creed $
$ 65 $ UNSOPHISTICATED FASCIST BASTARDS. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME. $ creed $
$ 66 $ how y0lk saved my life (sorta) $ creed $
$ 67 $ shiny nickles, no more TP, and shitty knuckles $ ideal $
$ 68 $ some puppet plays $ phorce $
$ 69 $ "... Hello operator ..." $ mutter $
$ 70 $ i bit my nail, now my finger is bleeding. $ traq $
$ 71 $ battle of the ants $ rage $
$ 72 $ fun on the phone $ ideal $
$ 73 $ yabba-dabba do, scooby-dooby do, and many other mysteries..$ handle $
"T$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$T"
--[infoez]--------------------------------------------------------------------
if you see your name on that chart, you are a y0lk member, whether you
like it or not. if you are a y0lk member, you have a y0lk member board, et
cetera.
phoenix 201 is the official eleet telecom section of y0lk
hooch is the stupendous chief shephard of y0lk.
phorce is the head samurai of y0lk! beware!
mindcrime is an official y0lk member, cuz he's just so damn wacky-ass.
heil creed. <HEIL!# HEIL!#>
to get all the rest of the y0lks, ftp to ftp.openix.com /ftp/phorce/y0lk
or... call our world headquarters, erebus, at 201-762-1373. k-rad.