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| | | | | | | | two
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| | | | | | | | rice is a literary militia.
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this 'zine is shareware. however, if it evokes thought, or drives
you to any sort of emotion, wether it be happiness, anger, pity, or the
like; you owe us, like, $8.50.
if you are offended by anything published in rice, you are seriously
one dumb motherfucker & if we ever get our hands on you, we will beat your
stupid ass to a bloodied pulp.
thanks.
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rice issue two - table of contents.
001 - introduction
by - dead cheese
002 - corrections, news items, & other assorted nonsense.
by - black francis
003 - "letters to the editor(s)"
by - the rice militia
004 - "the rice militia list of demands"
by - the rice militia
005 - "distorted"
by - dead cheese
006 - "frank esposito, world's worst detective, does it again!"
by - black francis
007 - "little johnny"
by - dead cheese
008 - "my sister is cool"
by - styx
009 - the rice militia selected incident chronology
by - the rice militia
010 - "more free junk!"
by - the rice militia
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--- 001 --------------------------------------------------------------------
introduction
by - dead cheese
hey kids. welcome to the second issue of rice. we've received quite
a reaction to rice since we released the first issue. it seems that around
90% of the people who read rice, enjoy it. 9% are members of doomed to
obscurity, a poorly managed, poorly written 'zine that frannie and i quit to
devote our full attentions to rice. the other 1% are assorted farm animals
and household appliances who refused to comment intelligibly.
we were shocked at the reactions we received, both good and bad.
they ranged from "this is one of the best 'zines i've ever read!" to
"where's the humor? am i missing something?" to "moo." several people
cheered us for quitting dto and "fighting" the juggernaut blight that has
deprived the underground 'zine world of growth and creativity. rice is not
about fighting anything but prejudice and discrimination against rice and
rice products. mostly, we're in this to have fun. we don't care about
numbers of readers, or how the format excludes certain people, or about
getting on daytime tv talk shows. black francis and i just like to write.
beware the rice revolution.
- dead cheese [rice militia]
* the angry nihilistic opinions of dead cheese do not necessarily
reflect the mindset of the entire rice militia, for he is a communist.
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--- 002 --------------------------------------------------------------------
corrections, news items, & other assorted nonsense.
by - black francis
hi.
in the previous issue of rice, i published an article entitled "die,
bF, die!", which i wholeheartedly believed was written by cerkit. well,
come 6/17/96, vanir confronted me on irc to let me know *he* was the one
who actually wrote that article; *not* cerkit. so, my apologies to you,
cerkit.
ok, you can all make fun of vanir now.
also, we of the rice militia would like to extend our metaphoric hand
& welcome styx to our humble organization. his service begins this issue.
also joining styx in the rice legacy; ideal & mercuri, who have enlisted
with our ever-growing legion of rice freedom fighters. your contributions
to the cause are greatly appreciated, men.
at ease.
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--- 003 --------------------------------------------------------------------
"letters to the editor(s)"
by - the rice militia
there is new mail in your mailbox!
do you want to see it now (y/n)? y
date: tuesday, june 11, 1996 4:51pm electronic mail
from: wandering pant leg msg#: 118027
to: black francis *RETURN RECEIPT REQUESTED*
re: read the bible
justin,
i know that alot of the young people like yourself are
brainwashed by what the mass media puts on tv....there is a better life
with jesus christ......i can honestly say that i should be dead if it
was for jesus christ....since i accepted him as my saviour....i can
honestly say that i am a changed person......i really think you need to
come out and hear the word of god preached with an open mind.....anf
then see what you think...there is ameeting on saturday.....email me and
let me know one way or another.....just come out and if you do not like
what you hear you dont ever have to come back.....also read romans
1:25-30 for the answer ti your question....
god bless you,
WPL(SCOTT)
i. cor. 15:57
<<< RETURN RECEIPT GENERATED >>>
<<< (as requested by sender) >>>
(r)eply, (e)rase, (c)opy, (f)orward, (b)acktrack, (p)revious, or (n)ext? e
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--- 004 --------------------------------------------------------------------
"the rice militia list of demands"
by - the rice militia
1) the well-being & love for all rice & rice products.
2) the beating, maiming, torture, & eventual death of uncle ben & his rice
opressing thugs.
3) the demise of communism because we all know communists hate rice.
4) that rice be recognized as the caring, loving, nutritious grain that it
is.
5) that all strains of rice be treated with the respect due to a food of
such high caliber.
&
6) the institution of rice as the united states of america's official food.
we will not reason nor will we take "no" for an answer.
we of the rice militia do find this document to be consistent with
our beliefs as they are contained within the sound minds & bodies of the
members of the rice militia. it is with great pride & a shining hope that
the rice militia produces this electronic magazine. thank you for your
time.
resistance is futile.
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--- 005 --------------------------------------------------------------------
"distorted"
by - dead cheese
why do you haunt me? why do you follow me where i go? i am not your
whore. i go where i want, where i need. i am not yours to flog. yeah, you
like to beat me with your whip. you like to see me bleed. you like to pour
the sweet juices on my open, weeping sores. you watch it drip down my back,
swirling in multiple shades of crimson.. watch it until it threatens to
plummet to the floor before you swipe it with your tongue. your sick,
twisted desires have become needs, obsessions. you are unable to
distinguish fantasy from reality. can't you see what's happening, happened,
will happen? open your eyes and see the comets racing from star to star.
believe in the magic of gods long dead and beings from places long
forgotten. the end is nigh, but the sky is high and it's a long time coming
down. we'll laugh in the dark sunlight filtering through the disease and
ravages of time. we'll bask in the polluted light of your imagination. the
light rains, pours on my head and i laugh at the folly of it all. it pours
down on me and i feel it beating against my skull. ..let me in.. ..release
me.. but i can fight. i am strong, i am strong, i am powerful in my own
right and i will fight you. you would not have it any other way. you
thrill for the chase, the hunt, the game, the inevitable kill. ..not this
time, lover. i am fast. my mind is quick and i race from moon to sun in
quicksilver flashes, though it be my end. i race around your black light
and i look, i watch scornfully. i see your torment and your delight in mine
and i laugh, simply throw back my head and laugh at the irony. you want me
as you and it's working, but it will end soon, lover. it will surely end
for i am through with this play, this silly game we frolic through night and
day. do you see how it shines, glistens in the light? do you not see? it
is so beautiful, though it is death in thine eye. i twist, lunge, thrust,
and twist again. so pretty, the colors. see how they swirl along the edges
of your skin? they follow where they lead. i don't want, i don't _need_
the juices to see the pleasure in it. i can see. i see it all. don't
worry, lover. i'll bring me to you soon. maybe we can play again, where
only the stars give light. we will play, then.
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--- 006 --------------------------------------------------------------------
"frank esposito, world's worst detective, does it again!"
by - black francis
for many months, explicit rumors of atrocities & horrors unseen
taking place from behind the black iron wrought gates of 2856 spruce street
circulated throughout the small innocent suburban community of chesterville,
iowa. local children & family pets were disappearing at an alarming rate
while vagrants, drifters, squatters, & runaways were spotted entering the
large stucco dwelling only never to be seen alive again. residents, while
not gagging on the horrid stench of rotting flesh that loomed over their
entire neighborhood, even claimed to have seen bloodied body parts dangling
from the green plastic trash bags in front of the property.
under intense pressure from city officials & guys with big fuzzy
hats, the chesterville police department decided to make haste, using what
little evidence they had managed to gather. thinking swiftly, & moving
twice as fast, they sent frank esposito, world's worst detective, to
investigate.
after scaling a rusty barbed wire fence & fighting off a vicious
attack dog under the unrelenting august sun, detective esposito knocked upon
the vault-sized steel door at the front of the house & was greeted by a
large dark skinned man, whose hands were encrusted with blood.
"good afternoon, sir. i'm detective frank esposito, with the
chesterville police department. do you mind if i ask you a few questions?"
posed the detective as he removed a small notepad from his trenchcoat pocket
& flipped it open to an empty page.
"what do you want, you fuckin' pig?" the man snarled, obviously
agitated by frank's presence.
"has there been any killing, maiming, or any other violent illegal
activities taking place inside this residence?" he asked as he removed a pen
from his other trenchcoat pocket. the man at the door looked nervous.
"uh ... no. no, there hasn't."
the detective smiled at the man & promptly closed his notepad.
"ok, sir. thank you very much for your cooperation. i hope i didn't
disturb you."
the detective then his notepad & placed it, along with the pen, back
into his trenchcoat. he bid the gentleman farewell & made his way back to
his squad car, carefully stepping over the decapitated heads of children
sprawled amongst the walkway.
detective esposito received a promotion for his work in the case &
was assigned to lead an elite task force of really clueless bastards before
mysteriously DISAPPEARING while patrolling spruce street.
a highway rest stop now stands in his honor.
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--- 007 --------------------------------------------------------------------
"little johnny"
by - dead cheese
little johnny was a sight to see.
all covered in dirt was he.
his trousers were worn,
thus earning the scorn,
of his mother, his father, and me.
little johnny was playing where he shouldn't have been.
what could've caused him to commit such a sin?
his ball had gone outside the fence.
it cost him all of three pence!
so he chased it to bring it back in.
little johnny climbed over the pickets..
and fell in the thorny thickets!
pulling his way free,
he earned a scrape on the knee,
limping as though he had rickets!
little johnny looked all around.
with his eyes, he scanned the ground.
he searched all he could,
but though his eyes were good,
his ball was not to be found.
little johnny didn't notice the man.
the man had an axe in his hand!
i thought he was bolder,
but the man's hand on his shoulder
made johnny scared and he ran!
little johnny dashed for his yard.
his skin and his clothes were scarred.
he had such a fright,
stayed up through the night,
and used teddy as a guard!
little johnny's lesson was learned.
more his pride, than his knee, was burned.
the man with the axe was good.
he was only chopping wood!
and johnny's ball was returned.
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--- 008 --------------------------------------------------------------------
"my sister is cool"
by - styx
_____
CROSS WITH MY SISTER ---> | |
NAILED TO IT AND BLEEDING | | __ WHERE SHE CARVED KURT
|.%%%.| | ON HER ARM WITH A RAZOR
MULTI-COLORED RATTY ----> |%%%%%| |
HAIR THAT ______________|%\_/%|__\/__________
ALWAYS | __(trent)__%_|_%__(kurt)___ |
COVERS HER |_________^____ % | % ______________|
STUPID FACE | |%O|O%| <------- SAGGY TITS
| | | |
| | Q | <------- PIERCED BELLY BUTTON
WHERE SHE CARVED TRENT | /*\ | <------- SLOPPY COOCH
ON HER ARM WITH A RAZOR | | | |
| | | | _____
| | | | ________ / \
| # # | ( - - )o | NOW |
| # # | | o 0 | o | SHE'S |
| # # | | _ | O | DEAD |
18 HOLE DOC MARTENS --> #### #### | \____/ | \_____/
THAT SUCK | | |________|
|_____| /\
gafgakf;jgkalfggahlfg ||
BLOOD -----------> asdfglja;gkjag;dk \_ ME AFTER I NAILED
fdadsjdflkhafsdha HER TO THE CROSS
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--- 009 --------------------------------------------------------------------
the rice militia selected incident chronology
by - the rice militia
august 1981 - bombed the us embassy, the bank of america, the
coca-cola bottler, & a dairy product firm associated with the carnation
company, all in lima.
july 1982 - threw two dynamite bombs at the us embassy & set off
bombs at three private businesses, injuring three people.
august 1984 - burned an evangelical church run by us missionaries in
southeastern ayacucho department.
march 1986 - assassinated three provincial mayors by shooting them in
the head in the town of chacra pampas.
may 1986 - rice militia member black francis was arrested for having
a bomb in his luggage at schiphol airport in amsterdam. he was later
deported to japan. black francis had been a member of the black helmet
(kuro hero) radical organization in japan before that group joined forces
with the rice militia in 1971.
june 1986 - indonesian police released photographs of dead cheese,
17, a rice militia member whose fingerprints were found in a hotel room from
which crude mortars were fired at the japanese & us embassy buildings in
jakarta on may 14. the anti-imperialist international brigades (the rice
militia) claimed responsibility.
march 1987 - took over a radio station, invaded a church, & occupied
a private manufacturing concern to give revolutionary speeches & urge
participation in the "armed struggle." this form of propagandizing was a
new modus operandi for the rice militia.
june 1987 - fired two rockets at the british embassy in rome. about
30 minutes later, detonated a car bomb across the street at the us embassy
compound. once again, the aiib claimed responsibility, leading to the
belief of rice militia involvement.
october 1987 - when 12 captured rice militia members committed
suicide by taking cyanide capsules, the group unleashed a wave of terrorist
attacks in reprisal, killing more than 200, including several captured sri
lankan soldiers.
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--- 010 --------------------------------------------------------------------
"more free junk!"
by - the rice militia
just when you thought it couldn't get much better than a free bumper
sticker, the rice militia attacks once again with yet another free junk
giveaway. this time, with the arrival of your SASE (self-addressed stamped
envelope - do we have to go through this every time?), we will ship you a
wondrous mini comic book drawn by black francis & dead cheese (in no
particular order). we wouldn't want to give anything *important* away, but
this comic book tells the heart-warming tale of the rice militia's
never-ending quest to put a stop to uncle ben & his rice-opressing goons.
.. & take it from us, cupcake, this comic book is funny enough to make bob
dole squeal like a cheerleader. if you too cannot function properly without
owning this slice of ricedom, then, please, for the love of god, send a SASE
to : rice / 6666 pickwick dr. / bensalem, pa 19020.
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--- important junk ---------------------------------------------------------
rice number two - july 1996. published by black francis, dead
cheese, & styx (in no particular order). all characters, stories, & art (c)
1996 the rice militia. no part of this magazine may be reproduced, except
for the purposes of review, without the written permission of the rice
militia. any similarity to persons living or dead is satirical in nature or
coincidence beyond belief, & must be part of some divine scheme. to
contact the rice militia, write to : 6666 pickwick dr., bensalem, pa 19020.
no cheese was harmed in the production of this magazine.
we don't accept outside submissions, so, don't even think about it.
if we want you to write for us, we'll ask you.
ian paul dietrich 1971 - 1990.
thanks for your time.
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rice number two - completed & released 07/01/96 |__| |__|_____|_____|
[EOF]