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-=-=-=-=-=-=-
 ======= "coming at you with maximum prejiduce and love of violence." =======
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 ============================================================================ 
 ============================================================================

   radioactive aardvark dung % issue #9 % released september 28, ninety-six
    without prejudice and explicit reservation of all my rights, UCC 1-207
           rad e-zine whq is erebus % sysop :: hooch @ 201-762-1373

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================
                                                               
                    dedicated to the patriotic spirit of
                 dead cheese - your writing shall be missed.

                 dead cheese joined the navy - for six years
                we can all rest easy knowing that dead cheese
                      is guarding our nation's borders.
                                 *GIGGLE*

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "contents"
 hearken to - mercuri

        in this issue of rad e-zine we're going to bump n' grind into the 
 the topics of; the rad bunker, communists (and therefore old jokes), hippies
 (and therefore more old jokes), cyberpunks, two gay french people (no, not
 eerie), one small moslem boy, toilet paper, tom & jerry, adolf hitler, &
 more life in indiana!

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "introduction"
 typed by - mercuri

        well, it's been quite an eventful month here at the rad bunker.

        "bunker?"

        oh!  i forgot to tell you?

        "yeah!"

        rad has purchased a bunker in the american southwestern desert.  as
 usual, we know something you don't know.  so enjoy this copy of rad.  if we
 don't get our way -- it may be your last.

 [-----]

        i've gotten loads of positive feedback about rad eight.  it seems
 that it was our best issue -- or at the least, one of our best issues -- to
 date.

        this issue is a bit late.  what do you expect?  you should know us
 better by now. all of our issues have been late.  boy, you are as dumb as
 you look.

        moving right on down the line, we'd like our readers (yes, all nine
 hundred of you) to welcome phorce to the esteemed position of co-editor.
 he'll be going through the issues before they release and correct all
 grammar & story problems.  do not mail him and bring to his attention that
 his job sucks.  he'll also be writing for us.

        "hi, phorce!"
        "guten tag, herr phorce!"
        "hola, senor phorce!"
        "salut, monsieur phorce!"

        december 9th will commemerate our one-year anniversary!  everyone
 said it couldn't be done, but we did it!#  woohoo.  even though i've thought
 about killing rad four or five times, i've always decided to keep publishing
 it.  i'm really happy me & handle have stuck with it this long; we're really
 starting to get better.  YEAH, IT TOOK AN ENTIRE FUCKING YEAR.

        everyone be sure to read distro.app.  i rewrote it and it's even
 funnier now.  can you beleive that shit?  also, call up your local BBS and
 post rad.nfo.  start campaigning!

        take note, our new e-mail address is rad@alfheim.net.  i'm in the
 process of setting up a mailing list on it.  do not send email to rad@erebus
 any longer; if you need to reach me on erebus just mail mercuri.

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "cyberpunk pick-up lines"
 cleverly created by - mercuri

        here's a list of ways to pick up chicks WHILE ONLINE!

 [-----]

 <mercuri> could you tell me where #weightroom is?

 <mercuri> me and the author of mIRC are like THIS.
 * mercuri intertwines his index and middle finger, suggesting friendship.

 <mercuri> my tounge is faster than my p200, baby.

 <stalin> my right hand is faster than my p200, baby.

 <mercuri> let me just insert my dick in here...
 <mercuri> OOPS!  did i say DICK?  i meant DISK!

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "it's a horrible life"
 as confessed by - handle

        once again my ears rang from the clasping of the thunder.  sitting
 atop a stone pillar at the end of a wrought-iron gate, i wondered what
 exactly had brought me to "the big easy."  the rain started to come down
 even harder and in the distance i could see lightning strike a giant oak
 tree.

        i was just fooling myself; i knew exactly what had drawn me here.  a
 sin from my past that, no matter how hard i tried, i couldn't forget.  it
 was the secret that i had harbored this whole time.  the secret that
 ultimately made me stop writing for rad.  i can never go back; if i told
 them what i did, they'd never forgive me.  now that i've seen rad-8, i know
 that they don't need me after all.  there's only one more thing left for me
 to do before i end it all: i have to face the sin of my past.

        it was in this cursed city that it happened all those years ago.  it
 was a stormy night, much like tonight, when i saw the small muslim boy,
 huddling in the alley without food or covers.  taking him by the hand, i led
 him back to my house.  with a gentle hand i gave him a hot meal and a change
 of clothes.  the boy stayed in my house until the next morning, when i took
 him to a homeless shelter.  that boy is alive today because of me.  how can
 i ever forgive myself?

        my tireless search has finally led me to this house.  that muslim boy
 is now a muslim teen, and is living with two homosexual frenchmen.  there is
 one last thing i have to do before ending my life...

 [-----]

        burning down the boy's house with him and his family asleep inside
 really felt good.  i know that it doesn't make up for what i did, but it
 kind of helps.  my voyage was finally over -- or so i thought.  just as i
 put a revolver to my head, something happened that would change my life
 forever.

        suddenly, i was engulfed by a bright white light, and before me was a
 man dressed like colombo.

        "hello handle, my name's buzz."

        "that's a nice american name."

        "yes it is.  anyways -- i'm your guardian angel, and if you kill
 yourself, i'll never get my wings."

        "so you're just in this for yourself?"

        "of course."

        "i can respect that, buzz.  but there's no reason for me to go on
 living."

        "i beg to differ, handle; you were put on the earth for a very
 specific reason.  if you die, the rad that we know will be gone forever."

        "you're wrong, buzz, rad doesn't need me, it never needed me.  you
 did read issue eight, right?"

        "oh, be ye of little faith.  why don't we take a look at what rad
 would be like if you had never joined?"

        "how are we supposed to do tha..."

 [-----]

        with another flash of white light, we were gone.  at first i thought
 that i was dead anyway, but then we materialized in a giant house in beverly
 hills.

        "hey look, there's mercuri!  hi, mercuri!"

        "he can't hear you handle, nor see you.  no one can."

        "who are those people hanging all over mercuri?"

        "those are supermodels, handle.  you see, since you never joined rad,
 who was there to start the trend of pointless stories filled with obscure
 references that ultimately ended with the apocalypse?"

        "nobody, i guess."

        "that is correct.  without you the quality of writing in rad kept
 increasing until, finally, it gained national fame and all the writers became
 rich beyond belief."

        "where am i in this terrible reality, buzz?"

        "come, let us look."

        with another flash of blinding light, i found myself hovering above
 my own body.

        "gasp, i still live in indiana!  i'm in the same poolhall that i go
 to every day!"

        "that's right, handle, since you never joined rad, you're the only
 one that didn't become rich."

        "then send me back, buzz, send me back!  i can't commit suicide!  i
 must live to rejoin rad and take the rest of the writers down with me!"

        with another blinding flash of light, i was gone.

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "hippies are STILL dumb"
 captured by - mercuri [aka the conformed peice of shit]

 date: 9:36 pm  Sun Sep 22, 1996��      number : 200 of 20���  ߰ ��� � �ܰ�    
 fROM: Stone The Crow    � ��� ��       refer #: alt.zines �� ������ޱ�޲ܲ��    
 tO  : Mercuri        ��߰� ����� � �   replies: 0         �߱�����ܲ��������    
 subj: Re: radioacti��� ������ ���ti! � Origin : None      ߲�޲��߰��۰�ܰ��   
 ���� ��� �� � ���������������۰���� ��� �� � �  �   �    �� ��߰������ܰ����    
                                                                              
 M> i've come to the conclusion that none of you bastards have read my        
 M> side-splitting communist-killing hippie-beating head-crushing             
 M> electronic-delight e-zine... RADIOACTIVE AARDVARK DUNG.                   
                                                                              
 No, no I haven't.  Marijuana is more my game.  Violence and hate is for      
 faggots.  Enjoy.                                                             

 [-----]

 what?  enjoy what?

 maybe handle knows...

 *ring*

 handle: "HEHllo.
   merc: "yo."
 handle: "whattup?"
   merc: "is there anything to enjoy about marijuana?"
 handle: "nope."
   merc: "is violence & hate for faggots?"
 handle: "no.  it's for the children of the world."
   merc: "that's what i thought.  millie gratzie."
 handle: "adios."

 [-----]

 date: 9:33 pm  Thu Sep 26, 1996        number : 198 of 215 �����������������      
 frOm: Stone The Crow         ��        base   : alt.zines ���������������� �     
 tO  : Primordial Soup          �       refer #: 194       � �������������� �      
 subj: Re: radioactive aardvark��ung    replies: 0         ��޲�������۲���ܰ        
 stat: Normal         �������ܱ��       Origin :            ���������۲ܲ�۲�      
 ��� ����ܰ��� �������ܱ������۲��� ������ܰ������ܰ����ܰ��� ������������۲�     
 
 
 M> Drugs are for whimps.
 PS> i have a friend that does drugs, and i sure as hell wouldn't mess with 
 PS> him.  he's a big badass.. so i guess that does away with your theory =)
 M>
 M> actually, i was speaking in mental terms.  i know a few druggies who can
 M> handle themselves.  i mean will power-wise.
 PS> i know dis =) .. i was playin round... i do smoke bud though.. oh well.. 
 
 Fuck him.  He's a conformed piece of shit.
 
 [-----]

 frOm: 11:47 pm  Fri Sep 27, 1996��ti�! base   : 216 of 220� ��ܱ����߱���� �    
 frOm: Mercuri               � ߰ ����� refer #: alt.zines  ��ޱ��߰��ޱ�����     
 tO  : Stone The Crow          � ���� � replies: 0         �޲ ������ ���� ��     
 subj: Re: radioactive aa� �� ����ܰ��� Origin : None      � ߲ܱ���ܰ��� � �     
 ���� ��� �� � ������������������۰� ��� �� � �  �   �     �ݱ ���߰��� �ޱ��     
 
 M> actually, i was speaking in mental terms.  i know a few druggies who can
 M> handle themselves.  i mean will power-wise.
 PS> i know dis =) .. i was playin round... i do smoke bud though.. oh well.. 
 ST>
 ST> Fuck him.  He's a conformed piece of shit.
 
 ahahaha... i buy my jeans and the gap, and i get my hair cut at SUPERCUTS    
 and i wear NIKE AIRs cuz they make me jump higher....
 
 [-----]

 date: 4:56 pm  Fri Sep 27, 1996��      number : 209 of 21���  ߰ ��� � �ܰ�       
 frOm: G. Washington     � ��� ��       refer #: alt.zines �� ������ޱ�޲ܲ�         
 tO  : Primordial Soup��߰� ����� � �   replies: 0         �߱�����ܲ�������       
 subj: Re: radioacti��� ������ ���ti! � Origin : None      ߲�޲��߰��۰�ܰ�       
 ���� ��� �� � ���������������۰���� ��� �� � �  �   �    �� ��߰������ܰ���      
 
 PS> weed blackens your lungs 20 times quicker than cig's, but cigs'll give 
 PS> you cancer long before weed will... it's the chemicals in cigarettes 
 PS> that give ...
     You're still wrong dude.  Weed causes cancer as well, and quicker.  Weed
 does contain nicotine, and tar.  However,  if you wanna believe otherwise,
 fine,  maybe the weed you smoke is so diluted, it IS less destructive than
 cigs.  US teens actually have been found with stuff so diluted it was only
 10-15% hemp,  the rest is mixed up shit.
 
 GW [iCE]

 [-----]

 frOm: 11:54 pm  Fri Sep 27, 1996��ti�! base   : 219 of 220� ��ܱ����߱���� �    
 frOm: Mercuri               � ߰ ����� refer #: alt.zines  ��ޱ��߰��ޱ�����       
 tO  : G. Washington           � ���� � replies: 0         �޲ ������ ���� ��     
 subj: Re: radioactive aa� �� ����ܰ��� Origin : None      � ߲ܱ���ܰ��� � �       
 ���� ��� �� � ������������������۰� ��� �� � �  �   �     �ݱ ���߰��� �ޱ��     
 
 GW>     Umm, you don't wanna go there with me dude,  I'm a substance abuse
 GW> councilor in the Marines,  I am constantly getting education on the
 GW> subjects,  Marijuana has almost ten times more poisonous toxins than
 GW> cigarettes.
 
 watch out now, buddy.  they're going to either call you a military-gay or a
 conformist.

 [-----]

 date: 9:36 pm  Sun Sep 22, 1996��      number : 200 of 20���  ߰ ��� � �ܰ�    
 frOm: Mercuri           � ��� ��       refer #: alt.zines �� ������ޱ�޲ܲ��    
 tO  : Stone The Crow ��߰� ����� � �   replies: 0         �߱�������ܲ��������    
 subj: Re: radioacti��� ������ ���ti! � Origin : None      ߲�޲��߰��۰�ܰ��    
 ���� ��� �� � ���������������۰���� ��� �� � �  �   �    �� ��߰������ܰ����      
 
 PS> weed blackens your lungs 20 times quicker than cig's, but cigs'll give 
 PS> you cancer long before weed will... it's the chemicals in cigarettes 
 PS> that give you cancer mostly ... so uhmmmmmmmm bye =) <--- was gonna make 
 PS> another point but forgot what it was... must be all the weed =(
 ST>
 ST> Think about it.  Douche bag there was in the marines or whatever gays
 ST> from american military thing it was and all his information comes 
 ST> directly the u.s. government.  How truthful can it be.  <snicker>  Never 
 ST> believe ANYTHING a post-government dillweed tells you.  They're lyin' 
 ST> for the good of national security.  <snort>
 
 ahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahha!  what did i tell you?  i thought he was
 only going to call you one of those things; he called you _both_ of them!
 
 damn, i'm smooooth

 [-----]

 do you realize i couldn't have been any more RIGHT?  that was the pinnacle
 of rightness.  B1G BR0THER 1Z WATCH1NG!#@

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 ============================================================================

 "free toilet paper"
 as wiped by - mercuri [aka the man who walks on the stone path]

        no more bow-legged trips to the linen closet for more toilet paper!
 all you have to do is print this article out and, voila!  free toilet paper!
 you might want to print out a few copies if you're a messy pooper.

                         cut along the dotted lines

 [-----]

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    |________________________________| |________________________________|

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 "tom and jerry meet mccarthy"
 written by - phorce

        the large feline crept toward the small rodent, maliciously wielding
 its claws and purring intimidatingly.  "i shall get you, silly mouse," it
 cried as it struck down and smited the mouse with one mighty blow.

        the mouse cried out as it died, yelling "commie cat bastard!"

        "did someone say ... 'commie?'"

        joe mccarthy strode into the room.  "i'm SURE someone said the word
 'commie.'"  he quickly opened his briefcase.  "we're going to have to have
 a hearing, i think."

        "niet ... i mean, no!" cried the cat as it swiped at good'ol joe with
 his paw.

        "a student of russian, mr. cat?"  joe mccarthy, american hero, asked.

        "no," flatly denied tom.  it batted at the air and played with
 some string.

        "so, when you say 'no,' you mean, 'yes, i am a communist homosexual,'
 right?" accused joe.

        "what?" cried tom.  it drank a little milk.

        "is this your dish of milk, mr. cat?"

        "yes."

        "exactly as we thought," said mccarthy, suspectingly.

        "huh?"

        "well, mr. cat, that wraps it up.  hold still a minute."  joe took
 a large red patch emblazened with the hammer and sickle logo and slapped
 it on the cat's arm.

        "now we know who you are, mr. cat!  a communist!"

        "hey, i'm not a communist!  you just put that on me!"

        "well -- uh, it matches your fur."

        "does not."

        "well -- uh, bye."

        "hey!" shouted tom as joe mccarthy, defender of the american way,
 left mr. cat's company and strode off, to seek out new communists in the
 cartoon industry.

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "hal08 sticks it to the pinkos"
 captured by - mercuri "the capturin' fool"

 (hal08) i was with this kid today.. he had a russian sign on his hat.. and
         he said he believed in marxism
 (hal08) and when ever he said something.. i told him to "shutup, you stupid
         commie!" and beat him on the head :)

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "istep+ testing"
 lamented by - mercuri

        on selected years in indiana we have to take a state generated test
 called the istep+ tests. 

        anyway.  today we took one test called "analogies".  we all know what
 those are -- atleast i hope we all do.  they give you two pictures, here's
 an example:
                 __________ __________
                | pic. of  | pic. of  |
                |   dog    | doghouse |  a) gas station
                |----------|----------|  b) garage
                | pic. of  |          |  c) can of oil
                |   car    |          |  d) dogfood
                |__________|__________|

        now, what you're supposed to do is look at the first example, this is
 what you're supposed to say in your head:

                dog is to dog house as a car is to a (b) garage.

        see how easy that is?  i thought so, too.  but then the last fucking
 problem of the test is THIS.
                 __________ __________
                | half an  | one duck |
                | apple    | foot     |  a) human ear
                |----------|----------|  b) human foot
                | a quarter|          |  c) rabbit ear
                | (money)  |          |  d) goat hoof
                |__________|__________|

                half an apple is to a duck foot as a quarter is to... uh..
                what the fuck?  a human ear?  a foot?  a.. what the hell is
                that?  a rabbit ear?!  a GOAT HOOF!?

        okay.  am i the idiot here?  how in the name of GOD can a half an
 apple be compared to a DUCK FOOT?  how in the hell is a quarter related to
 any one of those animal parts?  seriously, if you know let me know.  maybe
 it's beyond my farm-boy comprehension. 

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "life in indiana: update"
 spoketh by - mercuri

        in rad #1 handle told you a little bit about life in indiana; but
 things have changed oh-so-drastically since then.  down in southern indiana
 there a lot of indian tribes, so when the indians ran out of corn, or
 "maize," where do they come?  well, non other than crown point, indiana!

        it took all us towns folk by the straps of our overalls.  i remember
 when we first got news of their arrival.  they came marchin' into town
 beatin' their war drums like there was no tommara'.  then, afters they was
 done beatin' our kids and rapin' our women, they done killed the mayor, i
 reckon.

        as of now, we're still trying to get along with the indians, but they
 really don't want to cooperate.  the other day an algonquin medicine man
 stole a cherokee tribe's virgin.  talk about not being able to sleep -- we
 were afraid the cherokee's were gonna sack the entire town!  what would we
 do without our lean-to?

        the other day in school, i got word the my good friend joe was on his
 way to school that morning when, wham-bam, he was scalped by a chippewa
 tribesman.  ya see, it's just not safe around here anymore.  daddy says if
 he gets the new job at the general store he's gonna save all his beaver
 pelts and get us a wagon, so we'll be able to move outta this hogslop town.
 wouldn't that be nice.

        there's another thing, too.  i haven't seen a herd of buffalo in
 these parts for a few months, and all of a sudden the damn indians are
 coming back home with thousands of buffalo skins.  i'd really like to know
 where in the hell they're getting them from.  damn them -- they'll never
 tell us.

        oh well.  there you have it.  as depressing as it may be, that's life
 in indiana for you.  god, what i wouldn't do for the simple life again.

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "breakfast of champions (genocidal maniac champions)"
 submitted by - [silly] k0de

        flipping through the channels i came upon this:

 [-----]

 cliff: "cliff here, with adolf hitler."
 adolf: "hello, cliff."
 cliff: "adolf... do you think breakfast is the most important meal of the
         day?"
 adolf: "well yes, i do."
 cliff: "so it makes sense that you eat the best food, right?"
 adolf: "of course."
 cliff: "have you ever considered eating breakfast for lunch?"
 adolf: "well i suppose, bu--"
 cliff: "of course... think of all the jews you could kill!"
 adolf: "wehelll... you've got a point there!"
 cliff: "and why not eat breakfast for dinner?"
 adolf: "those damn cripples wouldn't know what hit 'em!"
 cliff: "well there ya have it folks, stop in at IHOP for breakfast: the meal
         of genocidal maniacs."
 
 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "manny the hippie"
 submitted by - mercuri

        i just heard this on headline news.

        manny the hippie, the kid who reviewed movies for david letterman on
 his show was arrested in california this week.  ohio police saw him on
 letterman's program and arrested him for leaving the state of ohio after
 being on probation for marijuana possession.

        manny said, "i knew they'd find me sooner or later.  i'm on tv."

        wait!  there's more.

        manny said, "not to worry though, dude.  i've got a job now."

        manny faces up to eighteen months in prison.

        (once again proving my theory: hippies = dumb)

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 "how to kill a communist"
 submitted by - mel farr suppastar

 what this requires:

        1) money (you will use this to buy the model rocket stuff)
        2) communist
        3) that's it!

 [-----]

 how to kill the communist:

  1) find a communist.
        (does he/she do communist things?  in fact, anyone suspicious-looking
        will do fine.)
  2) befriend him/her/it.
  3) buy one of those "estes model rocket starter kits."
  4) buy some rocket engines and batteries.
  5) put the rocket together.
  6) get ready for a launch.
  7) meanwhile, make idle chat on the phone with your new commie "friend".
  8) tell your commie about the rocket launch you will be hosting tomorrow.
  9) host a rocket launch session tomorrow.
 10) make sure the weather conditions permit, and setup your launch when the
     commie in question arrives.
 11) launch the rocket.
 12) once the rocket launches, pull out your concealed shotgun and kill the
     commie while he's watching the rocket launch.
 13) report that the commie was murdered by a black woman with one hand.

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================
 
 "editorial indescritions"
 rudely inserted by - the high editorial reverend phorce

        someday, i think i will have to kill everyone on this earth who lacks
 the ability to fathom what a comma is for.  excluding toddlers and children
 still below the high school level.

        next, i will kill all the apostrophe-misusers.  next, those that mix
 their homonyms.

        finally, i shall eliminate all that don't know what order to put
 quotation marks and punctuation in.

        however -- i fret that i shall have eliminated ALL OF THE RAD WRITING
 STAFF.  that would be bad.

        maybe another day.

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

                  radioactive aardvark dung e-zine % issue #9
           rad e-zine whq is erebus % sysop :: hooch @ 201-762-1373
        get past & future issues from :: ftp.openix.com/ftp/phorce/rad
            send us your comments & submissions :: rad@alfheim.net
              special updates % "subscribe rad" in message body
              www site :: http://pla-net.net/corp/zineworld/rad
                  attn sysops :: be sure to read distro.app

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