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Netmonkey Weekly Report
Issue XXIII
November 15th, 1998

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`Y$ [ n ] ETMONKEY [ W ] EEKLY [ R ] EPORT

THIS IS THE FUCKING NWR MAGAZINE
READ IT BITCH

duranged [Replacement Intro-Writer]

Well it's been two weeks, but god damnit we are on time this
week huh? Gotta admire our work ethic. No story this week, I know
I know, I'm breaking my promise. I'll do one next week....
I promise..:) We got some other shit in here though, I'm back with
a biased report, it's not the greatest, but deal with it ok?:)
I also stopped jerking off and saw some movies, so check out the
reviews for your own well-being.
We are still looking for some suckers, er wait, donators, to help
us with setup the webpage and code the mag..etc..all the shit we
keep promising to give you. Anyhow, enjoy the mag!

Lester [Co-Editor/Head Writer]

Well.. Lester needed to masturbate a bit more this week, or
something, so... duranged kindly offered to write an intro for
us... Uhh, and we couldn't find lester until 5 minutes before
I was ready to release the mag, and so SITEZ graciously offered
to do a biased report for us... But lester came back, and after
a vote of 1 to 1, the majority decision was that we would publish
lester's Biased report instead of sitez's... ;p
But.. just so that we didn't leave sitez out, we have a log that
lester and jess did, featuring sitez... I have not read the whole
thing, but it does go along with my opinion that people should
be allowed to the right to free speech, etc, etc... look at
NWR, after all! :]
Check that logfile mpower.log, included in the nwr.zip.. ;)

I forgot to mention how GARFLOZZY rules the world in our
last issue, for doing us the KICK-ASS logo... thanks man, you
rock!!
Check out some other shit we got this week, including duranged's
recruitment guide, rabert's cracking article, my kruzin article,
and lesters movie reviews.. (ok, ok.. he masturbated, AND watched
movies... perhaps simulaneously?)
Our channel, #nwr, is up, and in full effect, do !nwr 23, or
whatever to get the issue of your choice..
We also have a new section this week, called "Quotes of the
Week.." should be kinda kinky..

And now... here comes the music.

ndetroit [Co-Editor/Head Fatass]

-----------[ index ]-----------

I.) Intro
a) lester
b) ndetroit

II.) Quotes of the Week

III.) Stats - Weekly Stats, and comments on Sites.
IV.) Lester's Biased Courier Report

V.) Articles
a) Ten Steps for Recruiting Curries - duranged
b) Movie Review - "Waterboy", "ISKWYDLS"
c) Cracking Scene Rebuttal - raberts
d) Kruzin cheats.. shocking! - ndetroit

VI.) Scene News - All the news thats fit to print

VII.) Rumors!

VIII.) Closing

---------------------[ Quotes of the Week! ]---------------------

-#FiRESiTE:
*** Topic is 'Kruzin has been deleted for lameness/perjury'
*** Set by mgd on Sun Nov 15 15:51:15

-<Kruzmooo> I aint even on FS
<Kruzmooo> this sucks

-200- | 06 kruzin mgd sucks goat nads 126 203.208 megs 53.99 |
-200- | 05 Kruzin man I suck 124 195.424 megs 100.61 |
-200- [02] Kruzin SUCK IT 175 289MB 136K/s

-<NEDsaint> [NED] -1116- [03:45CET] New: deadcat [Ambition] testing.final.
100.percent-trps
-<NEDsaint> [NED] New Nuke: -bandido-50X-MORON /incoming/-Testing.final.
100.percent-trps-Uploaded by deadcat

-<Dual> greet me in nwr <G>

-----------[ ndetroit's sites and stats section ]-----------

Well... i don't want to say anything, lest i jinx the good
string of weeks we;ve been having, but... again: NO NARKINGS THIS WEEK!
Hooray!
As i was calculating the site stats this week, i was struck by just
how many good sites there are out there this week... This was an awesome
week for site returns..
Among the notable sites that came back this week are Identity Crisis,
MPower, and The Mother Superior... excellent. This week i was actually
faced with WAY too many sites that fit our usual standards.. usually i
just throw 1 or 2 sites that aren't so good in there at the end.. like.
uhh... Duranged's Cable Site... *cough*ahem*cough*... <g>
Some of the deserving sites that didn't make this week's list are:
IC (not up for a full week yet), Midgaard, and MW (wasn't up for
very long this week).

There are a few other sites that we would also include in NWR that will,
out of respect for the siteops, remain nameless. They have personally
contacted us, and asked to not be included in the survey. If that is the
case, and you are a siteop out there who does not want your site shown
in NWR, just contact Lester or myself, and we'll delete you immediately.

But a word on that. All we show in NWR is the name of your site, and
who made the top10 on it for that week. If you are worried that the FBI,
or CSIS, or whoever the fuck runs shit in your country is reading NWR,
and is using it as a scorecard for sites to bust, then think again... ;p
I somehow doubt that the FBI needs to rely on NWR for its information.
In fact, i would venture to say that the FBI already knows about your
site, and probably has weektopped there a few times...
Keep that in mind. We will do everything in our power to protect you,
but the nature of the scene is that you will NEVER know all your users.
Just be careful, people.

On another happy note, i heard that UC was coming back... yes, yes...
i know i print that every issue.. but this time, i hear its coming back
for REAL... /me begins holding his breath...

On a little sadder note, the famous site, "BB3" was taken down by its
siteop today. BB3 had been up a damn long time, and was currently Entity,
Pdm, and DMS.. before that it was DEV, before that it was... well, its
been up a long time, anyway..

Well.. on to the rankings!

=--------------------------------------------------------------------------=
Sites are rated on a 3X and 2X scale.. if you want to know why we
do it that way, read an old issue. Couriers get 10 points per site they get
#1 on, 9 points for 2nd place, 8 points for 3rd, etc, etc.
Sites are rated by us. If you don't like the ratings, then....
heh... fuck off and die..
=--------------------------------------------------------------------------=

The Top Ten sites for this week are:

x3 FS -*- STH -*- MW -*- ET -*- E
x2 LA -*- MP -*- RDX -*- DLS -*- ROC

---=NETMONKEY COURiER REPORT=---

trader group FS STH *MW ET E LA E RDX DLS ROC pts pos
------------------------------------------------------------------
garoto DEV 2 1 0 2 2 6 1 1 7 0 162 [1]
morbid AoD 9 5 0 1 6 2 0 4 0 0 98 [2]
snap EQL 3 3 0 0 0 0 3 0 1 1 88 [3]
mcarec INS 5 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 5 2 88 [3]
godbless DMS 10 0 0 5 4 0 6 3 0 0 83 [5]
dualstandard RiSC 0 0 0 0 5 3 5 6 0 3 77 [6]
mgd DMS 1 4 0 0 0 0 4 0 0 0 69 [7]
kruzin RiSC 0 8 0 0 7 0 2 2 3 5 65 [8]
mrsandman DEV 4 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 56 [9]
nightshade TFA 0 0 0 3 1 0 0 0 0 6 40 [10]

* = no weektop this week.

=--------------------------------=--------------------------------------=

-----------[ Lester's Biased Courier Section ]-----------

Lester's Biased Courier Report

He's back, he's bad, he's sick of letting other people to the report, and I
couldn't stand the thought of letting Sitez do one. Yes the Sitez that we
make fun of repeatedly in the log we included this week. Shows how much Nd
knows huh? But don't tell him I said that ok? Alright then, on with the show.

Dimension: Damn nigguh's, all of you kept saying DMS was dying and all kinds
of shit like that, but lo and behold..DMS is back on top and I don't think that's
even a biased statement. We pretty much raped the sites we cared about, and
made some nice pickups too. Good job to the crew.

Risc: Hrm, I haven't watched them too close, but as I know that they have not
gotten anyone good new, and I heard Officedog quit. They continue to really
really suck, and I must say I am almost giddy. Hi Pep!

Devotion: The devoted crew is pretty good as always, coming in second to DMS,
though they didn't even get half the megs that DMS did on some of the more
important sites. They did put up a good showing, but since Jaydee is devotion
and he kept saying DMS was dying, I'll just say I think Dev is gonna die soon,
even though there's no truth to it:)

Vengeance: Well, I noticed they actually got first on STH, it musta been my
story, motivation for them. Damn see I am improving the scene here. Jess quit
VGN today though, no word on where she is headed yet or even if she will head
anywhere at all. So we'll see how VGN reacts to this, I predict.... well, I
predict them to do the same thing they've been doing for the past 6
months..nothing..:)

AOD: I dont know whats up here, but Morbid is cool so I'll say Hi.

MNM: HALLEJUAH, the wicked group is dead.

Well that'll do it for this week, I would make fun of Sitez, but I think the
log sums it up, expect to see my report every week again. Hey maybe I'll
even make it in my own report! Peace out kids, enjoy the rest

=----------------------------------=--------------------------------------=

-----------[ Articles ]-----------

--------------------[Ten Steps To Recruiting Curries]----------------------

Well.. We are going to take a break from the Paledeth wackiness for this
week, and replace him with someone JUST as fucked up... Duranged!
Duranged has been been on the recruiting scene, and all you siteops out
there are in for a treat....
-editors

10 STEP GUIDE TO RECRUIT COURIERS FOR YOUR SITE by - duranged

Step 1:Check Out who is weektopping the best sites your on, To see who
would be a good choice to coury on yer site.

Step 2:If your not on any sites or any good sites, try getting a new
issue of one of those lamer courier mags <ex. NWR>

Step 3:In a Persuasive Matter msg the courier you would like to trade
on your site and tell him things like hey u wanna trade on my
site? or threaten him in a physical nature if he does not comply
with ur offer to trade on yer site, These are some common ways
site ops get couriers to trade on their sites.

Step 4:Bribe the average courier with things like shells,drugs,
cheat scripts, anal sex with ndetroit,etc....

Step 5:Try To Attract the courier to your site by getting affiliates
who suck, or are too lame to get good sites to pre to
your site <ex. massive>

Step 6:Have Porn Archives

Step 7:make a fake weektop and put names like garuto, SMap,
as the motd goes too fast they wont notice it... :)

Step 8:Get the local bully in town to go over to the couriers house
and beat the bejesus out of him, this shouldnt be much trouble
because most couriers are nerds who have no life and spend all
day trading to escape reality.

Step 9:Use the old IdyllWild scheme and cybersex the courier till he
coury's to ur site. <note:this can also be used by couriers to
get leech>

Step 10:If none of these work well, your lame. You should most likely
get out of the site op buisness and let me run your site for
my kiddy porn group lead by no other than Jesus.

Have a nice day.

<SiCkZzz> but u gotta say sumthing bout me and penis's in teh same
sentence in there
<X-Agent> ok, but in the greetings say, i love X-Agent and he does
the best apple pie ever....
EVERYONE JOIN THE MC GUSTO FAN CLUB

=----------------------------------=-------------------------------------=

=---------[ Lester's Movie Review Section ]----------=

Sure he's a prominent scene member, leader of the #1 courier
group, and former "Miss Scene 1995".. But did you also know that
in real life, Lester's real name is "Roger", and he hosts a popular
syndicated television show, where he plays a big fatass who has
nothing better to do with his time than go to every single movie
ever released? Well.. now you know..

Well after the 2 week hiatus of nonstop masturbating. I decide to get out of
the house and see some movies. This is what I saw. :)

Waterboy
Starring: Adam Sandler, Henry Winkler, Kathy Bates, Fairuza Balk
Rating: 3 & 1/2 stars/out of 4

Well you may wonder why the hell I gave an Adam Sandler movie such a high
rating. The answer is simple, I am not rating it by best picture standards, I'm
rating it for what it is, a goofball comedy, and a very good one at that.
The premise is that Sandler plays a dimwitted waterboy who is ridiculed
for all his life, and then the Fonz finally discovers him and harnesses his anger
towards tackling people. He's a sensation, rocketing his loser team to a
championship bid (wouldn't want to give away the ending!). Along the way is a
good performance by Kathy Bates as his overprotective mother, really getting into
the role.
You got the Fonz(henry winkler) as his new head coach, with a nice tattoo
of Roy Orbison on his ass. Fairuza Balk as the bad girl who our waterboy is
infatuated with. But you may say that this movie got extremely horrible reviews,
and I read a good number of them. Most were the usual shit you expect from a
movie critic. A few reviewers seemed to realize that this was not an attempt at
acting greatness, but simply a have fun comedy. As one reviewer put it, "Though
Sandler will not win any oscar's in the near future, he has mastered the role
of lovable idiot." And that is exactly true, his movies get better each time around.
So if you're sick of the other shit that is out, (which really isn't much
to talk about), go see this movie, I guarantee you will laugh out loud. #1 Pick for
the past 2 weeks.

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
Columbia Pictures
Starring: Jennifer Loves Cleavage Hewitt, Brandy Ghetto Booty, Freddy Prinze Jr.
and Mekhi Phifer.
Rating: 3/4 of a star/ out of 4)

Well what a difference a name makes huh? Take Kevin Williamson's name
off a script and you're left with a halfassed movie. The screenwriter
(can't recall his name right now) spends most of his time trying to create
Scream-esque action and scares. The result is an easily spotted poorly flowing
movie. If you simply want to watch Jennifer Love Hewitt's breasts bounce around
for awhile, this is your movie. It's almost embarrassing how much her breasts
direct the camera when she is on screen. The gratuitous nipple shot was laughable
at best as well. It's almost insulting to believe that Hollywood perceives us
teens as being this easily amused and so unintelligent, (but the sad thing is,
most of us are!) This movie will make alot of money, but two good movies like
Disturbing Behavior and Urban Legend made virtually no money. I believe that
Urban Legend is still playing in some theaters, so I suggest you all go see
that flick instead. Rebecca Gayheart is a hell of alot hotter anyways. :)
Anyways, the storyline is laughable and poorly strewn together, if
you actually try to stick with logical thinking throughout, you will be
stuck with alot of unanswered questions.

Tdpriest says that even Avengers was a better flick, but I will not
go that far, I put it 4th on my recent shitlist. First is Intersection, then
you got Batman & Robin, Avengers and now this movie. I am highly disappointed,
I expected at least a decent movie. Pass on this and rent the original or
check out Urban Legend if you need a scary movie right now.

=----------------------------------=--------------------------------------=

---------------[Raberts on the Cracking Scene]-----------------

After the large outcry last week from cracking groups, demanding the
respect in the scene that they deserve, raberts written an article in
the defense of crackers and the work they do:

Cracking Groups are an essential part of the scene. Many people
deem them as useless, but how else would we all get our beloved Cuteftps
and our Winamps, be it not for trailblazers like Core, PC, and UCF?
Part of the reason people see them as worthless is because they
release up to 20 releases a day, and chances are, few people will download
them. Consequently they end up taking up a lot of space, whereas an extremely
high percentage of people will download releases like "Starcraft" and
"Photoshop" from big Util and Game groups.

I propose a very simple, yet somehow overlooked way of dealing with
this problem. If cracking groups were to not release their cracks with the
original shareware, but instead with a url pointing to the shareware install
file, then this would dramtically reduce the space these releases take up by
an average denominator of at least 10. This would be quite feasable with
the majority of cracked shareware released in today's scene, as most of the
original shareware is widely available on the web through corparate websites
and shareware websites. This solution wouldn't work on games or big
"util group" type apps where the original product is supplied though special
insiders or through buying from a store, but for cracking groups it would be
perfect.

This seemingly viable answer is unfortunatly lacking in one
aspect: Release size. Ironically, the very reason that many see cracking
groups as useless for taking up space with crap is identical to the reason that
those same people would see those same groups as useless when they could stand
to take up virtually no space. In a world where multiple disk mputs drive
couriers and big releases are embraced by siteops and traders alike, such a
solution would kill a site's need for a cracking group, opting for one of
those carding groups that release bigger utils.
I was talking to a leader of a respected cracking group the other
day who rationalized it thusly:

"Sites want good affils so said sites will have pres that other sites
won't, and consequently people will make those sites faster by uploading
releases before other couriers. The bigger the pre is, the more uploads the
courier will have to make before they can download the release, making the
site even faster!"

But this side of the debate could be taken over by good util and game
affils, still leaving room for the much needed cracking group.
So before you give a cracking group a bunch of shit for wasting so
much space, just think how much shit you give them had they taken up virtually
no space.

-raberts

=----------------------------------=--------------------------------------=

--------------[Kruzin Caught Cheating!]--------------

A little background for you:
Every week, i go through the weektops that duranged sends me,
trying to decide what sites we should take for our TopTen, and
which to give the axe to.. This week, i decided on our usual set
of sites, and began to calcute the scores... but.. there were several
weektops from several different people..

You'd think that they would all match, wouldn't you?
You'd think that, for example, the FiRESiTE weektop would be the exact
same weektop, no matter who sent it in, whether it be duranged, or dual,
or... oh.. say.... i dunno.... KRUZIN?

You get the point. They weren't. In fact, after i began to suspect what
was going on, i msged duranged and asked him: "Who sent you the
'weektops.txt' file, dude?"
And he said: "kruzin"..

Kruzin was editing the weektops that he sent in to NWR and CWS, and
placing himself into them... sometimes bumping himself up a ridiculous
number of spots in the process..

It wasn't just happening on Firesite.. He bumped himself up 2 places
on STH, 2, on DLS, 1 on RDX, 1 on SLR, 4 and 2 on two top sites that
NWR does not mention, and 5 places on the IC weektop!!
Note to Kruzin: if you are going to cheat like that, next time try
not to be so obvious..

SirBuBu, snapz, mrpumpkin, godbless, dual, wishmaster, grind, etc...
do you care that he is "bumping" you down a couple slots? heh.. do
you care that you were REMOVED from weektops entirely?

Siteops... do you care that your sites are being misrepresented?

FS did.. His account is gone. Will the rest of the sites out there
care to step up, and do what it is right?

He cheated 2 scene mags, and the people represented in those mags.
We all KNOW how he cheats on sites... i remember the famous bacid
log, exposing him to be "ID4", "Reddragon", etc, etc.. all kicked
off sites for cheating... I guess he finally stuck with "kruzin"..

RiSC... i know that there has to be SOMEBODY in charge over there
who still cares about this shit... deal with this guy, please?

Kruzin is in our TOPTEN couriers list right now. And he will stay
there, until the scene decides to remove him. Its not the responsibility
of NWR... When sites start delete his account, then he will disappear..

FiRESiTE has already done whats right for the scene... who else will?

=----------------------------------=--------------------------------------=

-----------[The Scene News]-----------

All the news thats fit to print...
and then some...

-Whoa! Lots of exciting news this week...

-We'll start with all the sites that are back:
IC: cls, dev, siege.. if this site doesn't already own you,
then it will soon.
MP: once the best site in the world.. i don't think that it
will be too long before it reclaims that title...
TMS: the wacky one, (nd's baby, and my personal fav), and
one of the only sites that isn't running the scene's
generic glftpd daemon..
It is indeed a good time to be a courier.

-Sadly, as of today, BB3 is gone.. it was simply "time for it to
go"..

-So i was WRONG last week, about QSR... its not "Quasar" as i
had been told, but it is in fact "Quicksilver"... sorry, nd.. ;]

-It appears that a bunch of people from RTS, the now-dead MnM, and
a handful of other groups (including RiSC) have all jumped ship,
to form a new group called "Quasar" (QSR).. No word yet on who
is leading..

-group moves: dthangel to DMS, mgd quits ENT, glen goes to MnM, and
plush was traded to dms for a player to be named later..

-DMS also picked up TWiLiGHT, a site with WAY too many affils to
list, TMS, and MG..

-There are LND members weektopping like MAD out there, on the
strength of LND pre's.. when was the last time you saw THAT
happen?

-TV and DLS both became Razor1911 HQ's, and PDM picked up DF..

-KRUZIN IS A COMPULSIVE CHEATER... sad, but true. Good work on
the story, nd..

-sky masterson
=----------------------------------=----------------------------------------=

--------[Stories from the Watercooler]----------

Ahh yes, rumors, we all love them even though we love to say how much we
hate them when they are about us. And these are some of the better ones
circulating around this week. Email us or find us on irc if you have a
good rumor you'd like entered, your name will not be included, but we
do not add rumors like that say "Tdpriest is having anal sex with Fusion"
because we know that Fusion is only having sex with Xtremist and therefore
there is no hard evidence of that rumor, so if you have real rumors, let us
know. Let's begin!

-Rumor has it that MnM is trying to clean house, getting rid of
its all its old inactive members that have formed the core of the
the group, in the hope of infusing it with some fresh talent..
I'll believe an MnM comeback when i see it.. ;p

-Rumor has it that mandrake and George, his aussie lover are
even MORE in love than before.. ;(
This is good news for mandrake and his impending wedding, but
bad news for the scene, as it means that he won't be back online
for at least another month.. ;/

-Rumor has it that TMS has another one of its wacky contests
planned, as soon as they get the site up and running smoothly..
mmmm... contest.... mmmm... shells.... /me makes a note in
his calender: "own tms contest".

-Rumor has it that Kruzin is a big fat cheater... oh! wait!! thats
not a rumor any more... its FACT!! ....

=-------------------------------------=--------------------------------------=

Well friends.. Thats about it. If you've read this far, we sincerly thank you.
We like to know this thing gets read, so if you get the time, drop one of us
a quick msg, and tell us what you think, give us suggestions, tell us it sucks,
or just say "hi" to us!....

Greets fly out to: jaydee, mgd, stix, tdp, hr, eci, jamili, raptor, skill,
mandrake, zeus, speedy, subzero, superfly@okcomputer, dee, sj, paledeth, dur,
tech+his crew, Kusa, ssava, acidapple, and all the rest of you that we love...

Find us on IRC in #nwr, (channel commands: !nwr 23, or whatever issue you want),
or email us at our phearsome address: (that may or may not still work!)

netmonkey@penis.com

take care..

peace.

-ndetroit + lester.

NWR 11/15/98