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      The Neo-Comintern Electronic Magazine  --  Installment Number 216
 .... .. .  .   .    .     .      .        .      .     .    .   .  . .. ....
    `""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""'
      
                  Subversive Literature for Subverted People

                  Date:                   December 8th, 2002

                  Editor:                                BMC

                  Writers:                    Ahmed Balfouni
                                                Gnarly Wayne
                                                         BMC



  d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b.
 ;P                      Featured in this installment:                     .b
 $                                                                          $
 $     The DeeJay's Guide to Super Powers that Would Suck - Gnarly Wayne    $
 $                   you have a new order - Ahmed Balfouni                  $
 $                               Snow - BMC                                 $
 `q                                                                        p'
   `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'

                                EDITOR'S NOTE
                      (please do not read the following)

  It is a wonderful dae!  These bomb-ass articles are too hype to ignore.

  Get ready for a new movement, yo, a new dae.

  My computer tells me things.  It whispers in my ear.  "You are aliiv."

  I'm just like, "Word."

  As they say, another bomb-ass dae, another bomb-ass issue.

                                                                       ,o$o
   o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$Y$$b
  d$


                                                               `  `$b 
 d$'           The DeeJay's Guide to Super Powers that Would Suck        ,$
 $:                            by Gnarly Wayne                          ,$P
  `$n,.. .  .   .    .     .      .        .      .     .    .   .  . ..P' 
    `"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""'
                                                               
  We would all like to have super powers.  Let's face it, some of us already
  do, but I do not think super powers would be all they are cracked up to
  be.  Here is a government-funded, top technical secret approach to
  quantify these powers based on suckiness factor.


  Teleportation: Would be alright for saving on gas and escaping the K.G.B.,
  but you would have to be careful about what you thought.  Imagine sitting
  on the can and then thinking about the classroom that you are late to
  attend.  *poof* There you are in class with ya drawaz 'round ya anklez.
  Nobody would ever drive with you either.  You'd be going down the highway
  at 150 kilometres per hour with backseat filled with hot chicks and cool
  party guys (and beer).  You're on your way to some concert when you think
  "Man, I wish I was at the concert already."  *poof* You have dead friends
  everywhere.

  Rating: B+


  Super Strength: It'd be handy, yeah, that's for sure.  Except if you only
  got it in a certain area, which is most likely what would happen.  Super
  strength in one arm would make life very difficult.  Every time you turned
  the wheel to the right, you'd spin out of control and wrap your Impala 64
  'round a telephone pole.  Even if you did manage to luck out and get it
  everywhere, there is no way that your bones would stand up to the stuff
  you would try to punch.  Whether or not you can benchpress three semis is
  not going to matter when calcium-made bones come face to face with a
  brick-made brick wall.

  Rating: B-


  Invisibility: Why is it that every super being with invisibility can turn
  it off at will?  You do not see other super powers capable of being
  deactivated until your little heart desires it to once again resurface.
  Can Superman turn off his super strength?  Can Wolverine put his
  adamantium skeleton in the closet?  Can Galactus not eat planets?  The
  answers to all these questions are no.  No, they cannot.  Invisibility
  would most likely be permanent, which would be a real pain.  Imagine
  raising your hand in class because you know the answer and this single
  answer will gain you the favour of the teacher (who would be the final
  reference you need for the fourty thousand dollar scholarship).  Well, if
  you were invisible, forget it.  Your shaving would be terrible as well and
  you would end up with all these patches of hair and just look ridiculous.
  Plus you would have one huge weakness.  If you ever fell into a mirror
  maze, it would take you an uncalculatible, thus far, amount of time.

  Rating: B-


  Flight: Nothing really wrong with this one other than it is really not all
  that super.  Hey, you know what else flies?  Birds.  And planes.  And
  many different types of insects.  Oh good, you can get that frisbee off
  the roof.  *clap* *clap*  Wow, I am real impressed.  Call me when you get
  some IMPRESSIVE powers, sucka.

  Rating: A+


  Superspeed: You always see cartoon speedsters doing things like cleaning
  up their room faster then you can say "Wha?" or cleaning the bathroom
  faster than mom can, and everybody is real impressed.  You know what
  though?  While the speed demon is cleaning the place faster than the
  blink of an eye, to him he is cleaning EXACTLY AS FAST AS HE NORMALLY
  DOES.  Shit, that doesn't save me a joule of work.  All it does is save me
  about half an hour.  Listen, ALL I HAVE is half-hours.  People always brag
  about how their superspeed prevents them from being late for school and
  board meetings.  Wow!  I already duplicate this power.  It's called being
  punctual.

  Superspeed: It may sound great, but it isn't.
  Rating: A-


  Hrmmm.. even though I'm a fairly low grade fan of comic books and cartoon
  "action" heroes, I was sure I would be able to think of more powers than
  these.  *shrug*  There's always tomorrow, I guess.  Use this guide in
  indifferent health.

                                                                       ,o$o
   o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$Y$$b
  d$


                                                               `  `$b 
 d$'                        you have a new order                         ,$
 $:                           by Ahmed Balfouni                         ,$P
  `$n,.. .  .   .    .     .      .        .      .     .    .   .  . ..P' 
    `"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""'

  so they raid a Pachinko Parlor
  paid off in Pogs and Pok�mon
  the wind blows not at all from the
  mouthing face silent at yours
  not that any of the city escapes hearing

  this what you know by all in all accounts
  to be said unfortunately what is yours mine anyhow
  in all account books locked up tight for the weekend
  anybody's whirl of time and creak of suspicion

  and what a blow
  the recording angel
  sees all knows all
  sells to the highest bidder
 
                                                                       ,o$o
   o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$Y$$b
  d$


                                                               `  `$b 
 d$'                                Snow                                 ,$
 $:                                by BMC                               ,$P
  `$n,.. .  .   .    .     .      .        .      .     .    .   .  . ..P' 
    `"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""'

  Every year, at about the same time, this stuff comes out of the sky and
  lands on my face and on the street.  It's called snow.  People build
  snowbodies out of it.  They build snowbodies and not snow men because the
  term "snow men" is gender exclusive and bad.  "Snow men" would technically
  be gender constructions, which are bad, as opposed to snow constructions,
  which are good.

  Not many people like snow, but it can be used for many things.  Cooking,
  swimming, shopping, etc.  Some people like to snow all the time, but when
  that happens it is very strange.  People come up to them and say "Why are
  you snowing?  You are a person and so you should not snow but do the
  things that people do instead."  And then there is an awkward silence.

  I was not always familiar with snow.  I first saw it when I was about 3
  months old, but I bet that I didn't know what it was even then.  It is
  still very difficult to say exactly what it is.  All I know for sure is
  that if you put it in a bowl and then take a nap, when you are done taking
  a nap the snow will not be in the bowl but it will have been replaced with
  lots of water and a little bit of snow will still be there, but probably
  not as much as when you went to have a nap.  So I hope you had a good nap,
  because you will be disappointed to see that you no longer have any snow.

  Some people say that no two snow flakes are alike.  But I think they are
  all pretty much the same.  I've never looked at them under a micro scope
  before, but I think that they're mostly little white things that fall on
  the street and my face.  And they disappear when I take a nap.  So they're
  all pretty much the same, like I said before.

  It doesn't snow everywhere in the world, but I still haven't been to a
  place where it didn't snow.  What I mean to say is that I have never been
  to a plce where it has never snowed.  Well, except for my house here in
  Fredericton.  It has never snowed in here.  But before the house was built
  it probably did snow right in this spot.  The house was built in 1782.  I
  wonder if it snowed back then.  I bet it did.
 

 .d&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&b.

  The Neo-Comintern Magazine / Online Magazine is seeking submissions.
  Unpublished stories and articles of an unusual, experimental, or
  anti-capitalist nature are wanted.  Contributors are encouraged to
  submit works incorporating any or all of the following: Musings, Delvings
  into Philosophy, Flights of Fancy, Freefall Selections, and Tales of
  General Mirth.  The more creative and astray from the norm, the better.
  For examples of typical Neo-Comintern writing, see our website at
  <http://www.neo-comintern.com>.

  Submissions of 25-4000 words are wanted; the average article length is
  approximately 200-1000 words.  Send submissions via email attachment to
  <bmc@neo-comintern.com>, or through ICQ to #29981964.

  Contributors will receive copies of the most recent print issue of The
  Neo-Comintern; works of any length and type will be considered for
  publication in The Neo-Comintern Online Magazine and/or The Neo-Comintern
  Magazine.

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  copyright 2002 by                                            #216-12/08/02
  the neo-comintern

  All content is property of The Neo-Comintern.
  You may redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and
  the content must not be altered or modified in any way.  Unauthorized use
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