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`::::::` e l e c t r o n i c m a g a z i n e
n e o - c o m i n t e r n . c o m
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s u b v e r s i v e l i t e r a t u r e f o r
s u b v e r t e d p e o p l e
m a y 5 t h , 2 0 0 2
e d i t o r - b m c
- - - - ----==={ I N S T A L L M E N T 2 0 0 }===---- - - - -
w r i t e r s :
a h m e d b a l f o u n i
a d a
s p i t e
m e l a t o n i n
h e c k a t
m a r g a r i n a c a t a c l y s m a
j u n i o r h a a g i s
c o g
g n a r l y w a y n e
k o m r a d e b
b m c
- - - - ----==={ F E A T U R E S }===---- - - - -
bordello
by Ahmed Balfouni
ada's top 200 words of all time
by ada
Visions of a Madman
by Spite
2:00
by Melatonin
Heckat's 200 Theme-Issue Articles
by Heckat
Paranoid Fantasy #200
by Margarina Cataclysma
The Angel vs 200lbs of Haagis
by Junior Haagis
Two Hundred Things That I Have Stolen
by Cog
200 CE is for Me!
by Gnarly Wayne
200 ways to Avoid Work
by Komrade B
200 Litres - The Screenplay
by BMC (with Melatonin)
- - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - -
e d i t o r ' s n o t e
- - - - ---==={PLEASE DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING!}===--- - - - -
Issue 200. You just might want to print this one as it may take awhile
to read. But friends, these articles are worth it. As the Neo-Comintern
flounders like a fish and inadvertently swims into an issue such as the
magnificent 200th, we present an all-star presentation of mirth and
celebration!
Featured here in this issue we have articles written by all four of the
founders of The Neo-Comintern - Cog, Gnarly Wayne, Komrade B and myself,
as well as sparkling submissions from our best contributors - ada, Ahmed
Balfouni, Spite, Melatonin, Heckat, Margarina Cataclysma, and Junior
Haagis! In other words, this issue is one of the finest gatherings in
N-Com history. It includes every staff member of all time, including
future hall-of famers who have yet to submit proposals for their very own
lexia of fame. The only exception is STUYA, who could currently be in any
time period. Thank you to all contributors and readers.
Oh, by the way, Cince de Mayo to you, baby. I'd never been to Rome until
you smiled.
- - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - -
BORDELLO
- - - - -- -------===={by Ahmed Balfouni}====------- -- - - - -
Roman beaker, ca.
200*
drunk
I'm gone
these whores are too damn
pricey
and you don't get your
money's worth
pimp
here she is
what you want
and at a good price too
whore
no way
I've a John coming
eunuch
so it goes
you're in you're out
who can tell
in this world
*in the Los Angeles County Museum of Art; it depicts a theatrical scene
with this imagined dialogue.
- - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - -
ADA'S TOP 200 WORDS OF ALL TIME
- - - - -- -------========={by ada}==========------- -- - - - -
(note: these words are not in order of favorites, nor do they actually
mean that much to me. in fact, i wouldn't even really call this a top
200 list. it's more of a miscellaneous list put together on a
miscellaneous day)
1. cacophony -this word has so much meaning to it. it means dissonance
or disharmony. and it comes up in one of my favorite hawksley workman
songs 'your beauty must be rubbing off'. he says it twice in the
song. there is a little t.v. at the mall that i work in that has the
news on it and the weather, and gives us the word of the day. one day
while i was taking the elevator, cacophony was on the t.v. as the word
of the day. that day turned out to be really good.
2. brilliant-i love this word... i use it a lot, usually in a
sarcastic/humorous type of way, often illustrating when something
happens that isn't good.
3. naked-this is a great word just because of what it implies. i like
being naked... i think most people do. that's why this word is
important.
4. (the) bomb-one of my favorite sayings... if someone's 'the bomb',
they're all right with me.
5. lovers-again, another reference to hawksley workman. he mentions
naked lovers in almost every song and it's incredibly inspiring to
me. my dream is to be a naked lover, fed grapes on a deserted
tropical island.
6. hands-i like this word because i think that hands are one of the most
interesting parts of the body. i have a friend who has many sharp
lines on her palms and fingers... they say she is an old soul.
7. together-there is a line from an ani difranco song that i share with
one of my best friends... 'when we're together, we're too good for
this world'... it's an all around great line, which makes the word
'together' an all around great word.
8. swallow-i like the way swallowed sounds... it's one of those great
words that actually sounds like its meaning. saying the word
'swallow' sounds like i'm swallowing something... pretty cool eh?
9. nonsensical-this word is fun, its musical; it makes me think of
shakespeare. who knows why...
10. miscellaneous-my all time favorite word right now... miscellaneous is
the word you can use if you want to be funny and you aren't normally a
humorous person. it works especially well if you make the bunny ear
quotation reference when saying the word... it is bound to make
whoever you are with double over with laughter, therefore making you
the funniest person in the room.
11. cigarettes-this word is in here simply because there is a movie
called '200 cigarettes' and i thought it was important to bring that
up... no other reason.
12. backyard-there's many things you can do in a backyard... you can have
a fire in it... burn things...
13. ashes-after you make that fire and burn things you'll have ashes...
ashes are pretty cool because they represent a chemical change...
oh, and then you can make a literary zine and call it backyard
ashes... well, actually you can't cause i've already done it with a
friend of mine.
14. synergy-i still have to look up this word in the dictionary... i have
no idea what it means but it sounds cool.
15. fluffer-for those of you who don't know, a fluffer is someone who
sexually arouses another person, getting them ready to 'perform' with
someone else. apparently becoming a fluffer (keeping the men aroused
between scenes) is a good gateway job into the porn industry... bet
you didn't know that.
16. amazing-i like this word because it reminds me of when i hung out with
two friends and we listened to this children's sing-along record that
had a song about a computer who was amazing... in fact, this computer
knew so much, that every time it answered a question, all the kids on
the record would chant 'amaaaazzzing' in cult like voices.
17. cupped-this word has a beautiful sound, like having a butterfly cupped
in your hands.
18. ribcage-a cool poetic word.
19. love-i actually hate this word because it has so many meanings and is
so hard to define... but i also can't help to love the word... i mean,
how can you not love love?
20. eponymous-i'm not sure what this word means, but it sure sounds cool.
21. word-word is a great word... when you use it, it gives others the
impression that you have a lot of life experience and you probably
came from the hood... even while living your upper middle class
suburban lifestyle.
22. oleander-apparently this is a white flower that is poisonous if
ingested... i read a novel about this poet who fell in love with a man
who left her for another woman. she then started stalking him and
eventually poisoned him with oleanders... needless to say it was a
pretty good read.
23. poetency-one day when i was wandering aimlessly around the streets of
toronto i saw the words 'poetry is poetency' spray painted in white on
a brick wall. i enjoyed the play on words, and i've thought about
that quote many times since.
24. swimming-it's a great thing to do on a hot day.
25. space-this could have reference to outer space as well as regular
space. i like space... i like the freedom to move... i am easily
claustrophobic... i like the energy in an open field.
26. claustrophobia-all phobias are interesting... perhaps that should have
been the word i focus on... oh well.
27. invisible-i've always wanted to listen to what people say when i'm not
around... if i were invisible, i could do that.
28. jade-a beautiful name, a really cool type of rock.
29. mug-this just sounds cozy.
30. thunder-goes together nicely with rain.
31. lightening-goes well with thunder.
32. dilate-an interesting word, and a very good ani difranco song.
33. fuck-i love the word fuck, despite its overuse. it's crisp, clear,
gets right to the point... it helps me deal.
34. propensity-i have the propensity to find you when you are hiding.
35. plethora-do you remember the scene in the three amigos when the evil
guy asks his side kick if he thought there was a plethora of pinatas?
yeah, that was a great scene.
36. aniseikonia-i'm pretty sure this is a word... but since i'm not
completely sure, i'll let you in on my assumed definition...
'aniseikonia' occurs when a person combines drinking alcohol, smoking
massive amounts of crack, and ingesting the banana flavored child's
penicillin... it is known as a hallucinogenic state whereby an old man
will hobble out of a tree and tell you that the secret of life is to
massage your head at a rapid pace.
37. angst-you have angst, i have angst, everyone has angst... it's the one
right we have to complain.
38. catalyst-this word sounds cool, but I don't like people who use it.
39. euphoria-sounds exactly like it is.
40. cancer-this has always been my favorite word to describe various
unexplainable illnesses/pains etc that i may have. last week my scalp
was itchy... i was pretty sure i had cancer of the hair.
41. pawn-i enjoy chess and feel deep a connection to pawns. i find i am
sometimes used as a pawn by various members of my family when they
fight. this is not fun.
42. pupil-this word sounds almost vulgar... i like it.
43. esophagus-dictionary definition: 'throat'... my definition: the
exploration of a tongue on wet cement.
44. idiom-i enjoy expressing myself with idioms... get it...
45. alchemy-i've always wanted to be an alchemist... who wouldn't want to
transform simple metals into gold?
46. pilgrimage-i like this word because it's about traveling and journeys
and discovering your inner being.
47. indestructible-this is how i feel 1/3rd of the time.
48. dichotomy-'division into two parts... a cutting in two'... that is so
cool. it's like freeing siamese twins or something.
49. fungus-this is you on my mind. (you know who you are).
50. funk-'driving in my funk mobile, going to my soul shack'... enough
said.
51. spiral-a cool shape... well, it's not actually a shape.
52. condense-i bet you wish i had 'condensed' this list.
53. expire-ending, giving up, eventually forgetting.
54. denial-my constant state.
55. cumbersome-sounds like cumber bun.
56. occur-strange things occur when i am looking for them.
57. ridiculous-i enjoy using this word to describe most situations.
58. sleeping-i wish i was doing this right now... really, i should be.
but i just love working on this article.
59. stiletto-doesn't this sound like a really good desert?
60. machine-on a whim i once referred to myself as a machine... a love
machine... then someone slapped me.
61. devil-this is a good word to use for people who are inherently evil...
or even situations that are inherently evil.
62. wizard-i've aspired to be a wizard in the past... but my mom is always
telling me that i'm too ambitions, i need to stick with what i know.
63. death-where do we go from here?
64. institutions-a no win situation.
65. sun-here it comes.
66. moon-tonight we're almost a full one.
67. fool-i don't enjoy feeling this way.
68. utopia-i just recently realized that the drink fruitopia related to
the word utopia... which is kinda funny since i drink fruitopia a
lot. but i didn't know it meant anything... just thought it was a
cool name.
- this use of the word fruitopia was by no means an attempt to advertise for
this particular drink. if i liked the word water... or lets say someone
called it, wateropia... well, i would definitely comment on that.
69. written-did you know that 'maktub' means 'it is written'? a lot of
past angst cleared up for me when i found that out.
70. activists-i've never really liked them... but the word itself is
worthy.
71. worthy-it's a great descriptive word... i feel worthy most of the
time.
72. corner-this is my favorite part of a room.
73. forgotten-one thing i don't ever want to be.
74. chaos-it's important that we experience the world from a chaotic point
of view... saul williams once said 'out of chaos comes order'... i
think he is wise.
75. order-i don't like this word. i just really like that quote i just
mentioned, so i figured it was my duty to list the word order.
76. impossible-nothing is.
77. whimsical-doesn't this word make you think of merry-go-rounds?
78. drinking-this goes well with eating.
79. understanding-if we can't have this... well, what can we have?
80. suburbia-'there's a burial ground of lemonade stands on lawns across
suburban streets' i wrote that yesterday.
81. buried-this word tends to make me feel suffocated.
82. tarnish-sounds like tar.
83. palm-i've always wanted to get my palm read.
84. tofu-a good thing in stir fry.
85. baby-this night's for us.
86. vacuum-ours sucks... no really it does, it's a piece of shit...
87. compilation-if i was a musician, this word would mean a lot to me.
88. cocoon-a wrap like state... a pita perhaps.
89. poetry-the only thing i can bother myself with these days.
90. bottle-i've been drinking out of the bottle an awful lot these days.
91. chandelier-i've always wanted to know what it would be like to swing
from a chandelier.
92. enlightenment-better late then never, right Buddha?
93. television-'teacher, mother, secret lover' -homer simpson (the best
definition possible).
94. masses-i have always felt a slave to the masses.
95. zine-i think zines are great. they can be about anything you want...
i've often considered creating a zine documenting the continuation of
my solitude.
96. surrounded-i feel i am surrounded by insects on a regular basis.
97. believe-what you believe isn't important, it's what you find out is
bullshit that counts.
98. dying-today is as good a day as any.
99. dreams-last night i dreamt i had a beard. i don't know what the
significance of this is, but i actually looked good with it.
100. psyche-mine is suffering.
101. relentless-i don't give up either.
102. story-never ending.
103. failure-such an over used and over dramatized word.
104. annoying-you.
105. tail-the tail on any animal is where its integrity is stored.
106. stars-they live like soldiers in my veins.
107. vulnerable(alone)-i feel this tonight... that's why i didn't tell you
to go home and study for your French final... that's why i didn't
object when you swept the floor while i counted the tills.
108. bone-something good to gnaw on... even metaphorically.
109. pussy-i love the word pussy... i think it's great. it works well as
an insult, and is also a nice happy descriptive for the vagina.
110. time-you can never go back.
111. time-you can never go far-ward.
112. what-the fuck?
113. eyeball-found with toothpick inside like an olive.
114. sliced-lips with lid from canned cream corn.
115. open-and spill out into.
116. jar-filled with food we will eat forever.
117. green-i once deemed this my favorite color... but i've noticed lately
that i tend to wear almost all blue.
118. blue-i guess i like this color... i would love it if it wasn't so
mainstream.
119. jealousy-one of my best qualities.
120. sweep-ing up my life.
121. chemical-there just so happens to be a chemical spill in my laundry
room which my mother is going to kill me for not having cleaned up
yet. (luckily she is in regina for the weekend... that gives me just
enough time to pack my bags and get new identification).
122. mine-i like things that are mine... unfortunately i disagree with
ownership.
123. locked-out of house and home.
124. manholes-okay, what a stupid fucking word... and what's worse is what
they are... in fact, i don't even really know what they are.
125. necrophilia-something we should all look into as we get older.
126. retarded-my friend hates this word... i don't even particularly like
it either, i don't really want to offend anyone. unfortunately, ever
since i found this out, i can't seem to stop saying it...
127. zylite-a retarded complex flashlight that can look into the insides
of our bodies.
128. endermogrophy-an ancient disease found in aging pigs causing them to
leap out of tall buildings in retarded attempts to free themselves
from sin.
129. studybug-i have been told that i use this word... i can't apologize
enough for this.
130. righteous-i happen to be righteous... can't help it, it's in the
jeans...
131. manifesto-i think this word sounds so beautiful and i don't even want
to know it's true meaning... i'm quite sure it would never measure up
to the fantasy i have concocted for the word. i think it has
something to do with chocolate.
132. assimilate-who would want to?
133. regurgitate-birds do this.
134. regret-i have never regretted a single thing in my entire life... or
at least not in my past lives anyway.
135. static-besides my possessed phone, i have no problems with static.
136. peyote-the greatest drug trip of all time... or, you know, a
caterpillar.
137. dude-this is apparently a word i use quite often... it's playful,
it's fun... it has its moments.
138. sporadically-i am sporadically filled with murderous rage.
139. memento-i will take you with me as this.
140. glass-another awesome sounding word... thick and graceful... waves
over rocks.
141. mushroom-for obvious reasons, this word is fantastic.
142. happiness-over rated... doesn't really exist...
143. content-something i suppose we should all be striving for.
144. anthropomorphize-fucking wicked... i can anthropomorphize.
145. rock-rocks are great... they're so completely non-judgmental... they
are firm believers in equality for all species... and they like to
party.
146. elevator-i recently had a series of very disturbing elevator
dreams... mostly about elevators out of control, going up and down at
incredible speeds, ripping away from their cables and flying out into
space... maybe it was a freedom protest... who knows.
147. grain-by this word i don't mean the literary magazine that has
rejected me countless times, neither is it a reference to farming.
in fact, i really have no idea why i picked this word.
148. bourbon-the other night an old friend convinced me to drink
bourbon... i haven't remembered anything since, although my elbow is
really sore for no specific reason and i have a bruise on my leg.
149. ethic-someone once told me they had a really strong work ethic... i
told them they were full of shit.
150. placenta-have you ever actually seen a placenta??? they're like
living alien life forms.
151. actually-that same friend who got me good and drunk the other night
wanted me to use the word actually in my 200 word list... i found
this to be quite selfish on his part. i mean, it's my word list, i
should be able to choose MY favorite words.....asshole.
152. kill-it's amazing how many things/beings we kill in our lifetimes.
if it's not the meat, it's the veggies, if it's not the veggies it's
the meat... and if it's none of those things, it's definitely
minerals... the undead.
153. now-for something completely different.
154. god-no, that wasn't it.
155. pedestal-i am disgusted when people put others on pedestals... it's
the most degrading thing anyone can do to themselves and the person
they idolize.
156. claws-i'm pretty sure mine are retractable.
157. reach-the extension of arms.
158. samurai-somebody asked me to put this on my word list... yeah i know,
i'm totally going to stop asking people what they're favorite words
are so i can steal them.
159. beauty-it must be rubbing off on me.
160. stealing-the only thing i have ever stolen (besides words) was a
rocket candy from a convenience store... and i didn't even leave the
store, i had it in my pocket for five minutes, felt guilty and put it
back... this was yesterday.
161. emphasis-i'm putting the emphasis on 200 in this article.
162. broken-she told me they could never break her... i'm afraid for my
own strength.
163. lost-when i get lost, it's usually because i haven't found my way.
164. clairvoyant-am i that visible to you? or do you only see me as a
piece inside your own arrogance?
165. wings-not meant for those afraid of heights.
166. shimmering-sunlight on water.
167. beginning-i know what you're thinking... why didn't i put beginning
at the beginning of this article. well, to be honest, i didn't
realize it was one of my favorite words until i was way down here at
167 and if i put it at the beginning, i would have to move every
other word down which would result in a serious pain in my ass...
168. kindathing-this guy i know continuously says this... i'm still trying
to find out when i'm going to sleep with him.
169. metamorphosis-talk about your unsettling dreams.
170. moist-a good word... neither wet nor dry.
171. awesome-you can use this word in any form, context, conversation
etc... it is a definite crowd pleaser.
172. waiting-okay, i fucking hate this word... no wait, i don't hate this
word, i hate what it means, what it stands for... yet i even managed
to use it in this description without realizing it until it was too
late... fuck.
173. chopsticks-not only a great word, but what a great concept as well...
let's hold two sticks together in an intricate way to pick up food...
i love it.
174. bridge-i love bridges. they hold up everyone.
175. eight-this is my favorite number, so i figured i had to have in on my
favorite word list too... i just love how it goes around and around
itself... wonderful confused number 8.
176. synthesis-we are all mixed up in each other. a synthesis of past and
potential pain.
177. hole-sometimes i fall into holes inside myself... these are the worst
kind because no one hears you when you are crying.
178. fins-i will have them one day...
179. wind-the wind has a tendency to blow me in directions i don't want to
go.
180. reflection-is it our eyes that understand the power of mirrors?
181. karma-one day i was sitting with my cousin and my sister and we were
all eating carrots. my cousin started choking on his and i started
laughing and making fun of him, and then a few seconds later i
started choking on mine. my sister laughed and said this was karma
getting me back. i hate karma.
182. spirit-i won't tell you my spirit has bent ever so slightly since i
met you.
183. skin-can you imagine what it would be like to be skinless? isn't it
weird to think that the only thing separating the world from our own
goo is skin... ew.
184. token-token of affection, bus token, token up.....many ways to describe
the wonders of this word.
185. purpose-i've decided my purpose in life is to sit on a bench and make
fun of people as they walk by... especially the people wearing funny
hats.
186. exhausted-it sure is exhausting trying to impress people. gee, i'm
sure glad i don't do that anymore.
187. omens-they come to me most frequently in radio songs... but sometimes
i just can't see.
188. analyze-i am the analyzing queen... the motherfucking master if you
will.
189. trace-working my way along your body with my fingers.
190. hell-i had a fire in my fireplace last night. that is the closest i
have been to hell.
191. torment-a way to get what you want.
192. surface-when you come to the surface, you discover you left the most
important parts of yourself below.
193. whatever-another appropriate slang word for... well... whatever.
194. serendipity-this word is so beautiful... and it's also the name of a
book about a sea creature who attacks people when they throw their
waste into the ocean.
195. symbolism-this particular ism i like... i like words with meaning.
196. freak-just another word for misunderstood.
197. afterwards-, you speak, you laugh, you leave as though nothing had
happened.
198. fall-the best movie of all time. and the question remains... is it
possible to fall out of love?
199. default-i am searching for a default obsession.
200. end-sometimes there's just no beginning and no end.
- - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - -
VISIONS OF A MADMAN
- - - - -- -------========={by Spite}========------- -- - - - -
I have seen the future. Tucked away in the archives of the Neo-Comintern
sleeps the promise of something new and bold. There is a prophet among us
and he speaks of none other than the almighty Masterball!. I have labored
many long and sleepless nights trying to decipher the code that the great
prophet Cog has so ingeniously scribed. Perhaps you are as frightened and
delighted now as I was so many years ago discover the truth. Read on, I
urge you, and learn the secrets of the future.
| 4/x\ 7\-\3 MASTERBALL! | 4/\/\ 3l337, | 4/\/\ /<-rAd. | 4/\/\ 4
|)|-|0od, | 4/x\ 4 |-|4X0|~. 1 4/\/\ . . .
It took a great deal of work, but I have managed to find the meaning
hidden within this seemingly mindless gibberish. In the year 2202
Masterball! will rise from his ancient slumber and take his rightful place
upon the throne of the Universe. Even now his minions are preparing for
his jubilant return. There is nothing to be afraid of, for when
Masterball! returns all will be right with the world again. All of his
followers will be rewarded for their patience. The prophet also speaks of
a message for the infidels, "Those who have scorned me in the past have
paid the price most dear. MASTERBALL! watches. MASTERBALL! knows."
Frightening, indeed. With a wave of his mighty hand, Masterball! will
cleanse the Earth of the Unbelievers.
With my slumber's eye I have looked up this world of the future and I rest
easy knowing that Masterball! will be there to watch over us all. He will
pave the streets in solid gold and the sun will shine upon them every
day. He will punish the wicked and reward the good and honest. He will
feed the starving child and heal the blind. The world will be a better
place when Masterball! returns.
It is most unfortunate that none of us will be here to witness this
revelation. Perhaps only Cog, who is not of this Earth, will live long
enough to be there when Masterball! returns. I believe what he speaks to
be the truth. I have seen it all in a dream. Masterball! is coming home.
- - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - -
2:00
- - - - -- -------======={by Melatonin}======------- -- - - - -
I open my eyes and where am I standing? On the sidewalk, outside a small
liquor store. Next door, a laundromat. Sun is out. Streets are hot.
Who am I again? I think, and my pocket beeps.
I turn around and there's this car parked behind me. It's tan. I don't
know what the make is. Something old. I can see my reflection in the
window, but it's hazy in the sunlight. I notice the words "Don't panic"
written across my chest.
It's my shirt. I pull it forward and read the text. It's upside down,
but that doesn't seem to bother me.
This is what it says.
Don't panic.
Your name is Jimmy Minute. Look in your pocket.
I check my pants pocket and find a slip of paper.
This is what it says.
No, the other pocket. Now hurry.
I check my other pocket and find a mini-tape recorder. I press play. A
scratchy voice begins speaking to me, but it's hard to hear through the
traffic behind me.
This is what it says.
Hey it's me, you. Our name is Jimmy and we only have a
two-minute memory. I'd go into more detail but what's the
point? Just have fun -- eat some candy, grab a girl's ass,
whatever. Your watch is set to beep every thirty seconds.
Now do yourself a favour and hit rewind.
I hit rewind and my pocket beeps.
I turn around and there's this woman standing in the liquor store, waving
to me. I take a few steps toward her and feel something tug sharply at my
neck. I turn back and see that I've been leashed to the streetlamp like a
dog.
Before I can free myself, the woman comes out of the liquor store, a heavy
brown bag in her hands. Her hair is pulled back in a bun, highlighting
the slow curve of her neck. Her jeans hug her hips perfectly.
"Are you my wife?" I ask, and she smiles.
"I'm your daughter. I can't leave you alone for a second, can I?"
She cradles the booze in one hand and unleashes me with the other.
"How old am I?" I ask.
"Forty-nine."
"I feel younger."
"You are."
She unlocks the tan car and I sit down in the passenger seat. She sets
the booze on my lap, closes the door, and scurries around to the other
side. The air smells like fake bananas. My pocket beeps.
My daughter slides in behind the wheel and I ask her what her name is.
It's Jessica.
"And is there a Missus Minute?" I ask, my breath held in anticipation.
"Jimmy Minute is just a nickname Marcus came up with. Your real name's
'Minnow'."
"Is there a Missus Minnow."
"Sure."
"Is she beautiful?"
"Un-huh."
"What do I do for a living?"
"You're an actor."
"How do I remember my lines?"
"Cue cards."
"Isn't that kind of inconvenient?"
Suddenly she becomes flustered. A green truck tries to change lanes in
front of her and she punches the horn. My pocket beeps.
"Listen," she continues, turning back to me. "Are you sure you want to be
asking me this many questions? You only have a few seconds left. Why not
just sit back and enjoy the ride?"
This hits me kind of hard and I look down, adjusting the position of my
right leg. The brown bag crumples on my lap. I notice my shoes for the
very first time. They're leather.
"Nice shoes," I say.
"Auntie Sally bought them for you last Christmas."
"Tell her I said thanks."
"Sure."
Now the road is long and clear and we're starting to pick up speed. The
sun reflects through the windshield, forcing us to squint. Colourful
storefronts whip by on either side of the car. I ask Jessica if I can
roll down the window and she says yes. I reach for the crank and my
pocket beeps.
- - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - -
HECKAT'S 200 THEME-ISSUE ARTICLES
- - - - -- -------========{by Heckat}========------- -- - - - -
Heckat's 200 Theme-Issue Articles That Never Made It Into the N-Com
(because she didn't get them done on time)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
(_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_)
Hello, hello, hello. Things come in threes because two just isn't enough
to convey quantity and four is unnecessary excess. Today, however, you
will be treated to the ultimate in unnecessary excess, not to mention
incredible self-indulgence on my part, because below you will find the
200 articles I just didn't finish on time. With several blinks of your
eye, and some cooperation from your pupil, retina, and cerebral cortex,
you will be able to muddle through the text of my articles (skipping
whatever looks too horrible to even pretend to read) and be on to the next
writer's submission. If you'd rather go grocery shopping, I understand,
but don't forget to pick me up two apples, a jar of olives, and cat food.
Thank you.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
(_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_)
"An Interrogation About the Death of the Dead Sea"
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
(_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_)
Are there fish in the Dead Sea? I mean it's "dead" right? What kinds of
things could live in a sea that is classified as "dead"? In order to
qualify as "living things" wouldn't those "things" have to, most
importantly, not be dead?
How did they classify the sea as "dead"? Did someone have to measure its
pulse, take its temperature, declare an official time and date of death?
Is the sea clinically dead? Does it have a death certificate...hmmm, and
is that really what the Dead Sea scrolls are all about? Did someone
murder the dead sea or did it die of natural causes? What kind of
diseases is a "sea" susceptible to? Is what we consider a common cold
fatal to a sea? How dead is dead? Is the Dead Sea just mostly dead like
that guy from the "Princess Bride" or is he all-the-way dead like my great
great great grandmother?
Do they really mean the sea is deadly? Didn't god make deadly the
waters? Have many people drowned in the Dead Sea and are their corpses
still mingling with the slime at the sea bottom? How dark is it at the
bottom of the Dead Sea? Can you see the surface? Can you see the light?
Can you have a conversion experience?
Can a sea that's dead feel pain, regret, suffering? If a sea dies in the
forest, does anybody hear?
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
(_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_)
"I Know Something About Blood. Man I Want It Bad."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
(_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_)
Blood is the greatest invention ever invented. It pumps itself into your
arteries and fills your cells with food. How else would those little guys
eat? I know that blood is red, and that can be a bit gross, but give it a
break, will you? So you stained your new satin brocade... at least you
still have your honour. Quite possibly, although a little messy, blood is
the best thing I ever invented. Oh, didn't anybody tell you? Before I
invented blood, every body was basically just a sac full of jelly. We
used to slide around a lot rather than walking upright (oh, the invention
of bones helped with that as well, but I didn't invent those... I think
evolution did or something...) and we used to swim under water for a lot
longer than we can now. But, before blood we didn't have the really
excellent mental powers that we have now. So, in a sense, I really
invented intelligence too. But that's beside the point. The point is
that blood is great and it is what allows us to live. Yes, you may not
know this, but if you lost a lot of blood, you would die!
A couple of not so great side-effects that developed after the invention
of blood are leeches and vampires. But leeches turned out to be helpful
for medicine in some cases, so it's actually only vampires that are really
bad.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
(_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_)
"A Way To Avoid The Grim Reaper"
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
(_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_)
Live.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
(_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_)
"Top 10 list of figures from classical myth"
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
(_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_)
10. Atalanta: Very cool long-distance runner who killed any suitor who was
slower than she was. Eventually, because of some cheating, trickery,
and golden apples, she was defeated and had to succumb to the marriage
ritual. This is a great morality tale that warns against the dangers
of greed and the desire to acquire many shiny things.
9. Priapus: Who could not love the man who bears a phallus that weighs as
much as a bag of gold? Anybody who encounters Priapus will no longer
dispute that size does matter. Come to think of it though, he might
be the kind of guy to one day appear in an anonymous support group for
men who can't get a date because every time they try to ask a woman
out, they trip over their own genitalia.
8. Dionysus: I must mention the god responsible for alcohol and the
frenzied female ritual that condones women ripping their own husbands
apart limb from limb. Dionysus says it's all in the name of fun.
Who's to argue?
7: Poseidon: Why does he get to be the god of the ocean AND horses? Sea
horses maybe, but land horses I'll never understand. I hate Poseidon
and I don't know why I allowed him to appear on my list.
6: Pelops: First, Pelops is just a neat name and I like the way it
sounds. Second, Pelops's own father served him at a banquet for the
gods in order to test their omniscience. Fortunately, Pelops was
saved and brought back to life while his father, Tantalus, was
tortured unmercifully in Hades. Unfortunately, Pelops wasn't saved
before Demeter cannibalistically ate his shoulder. Fortunately, the
gods made Pelops a new shoulder out of ivory and he lived happily ever
after, or as happily ever after as one ever does in Greek Myth.
5: Cerberus: As an admirer of dogs, I have to believe a that a dog with
three heads is not ugly or evil, there's just more of him to love.
4: Actaeon: Maybe I should have mentioned Artemis instead, but I'm
actually not sure whose story is more compelling. I mean, Actaeon was
just doing the usual man thing (excuse my sexism) and spying on a
luscious naked goddess when he got the chance. I'm not sure he really
deserved to be turned into a stag and devoured by his own hounds. On
the other hand, Artemis is pretty inspiring with her absolutely
unflinching virginal wrath.
3: Daedalus: This guy gets a bad rap in Hercules, the cartoon. I mean,
why are people always blaming him for the death of Icarus. Daedalus
told the kid not to fly too close to the sun, but what could he do when
the boy didn't listen? Wax wings don't last forever even when you're
careful. Icarus was rash and, I can tell you Janet, life is pretty
cheap to that type.
2: Pasiphae: She just couldn't resist the erotic temptation to make love
to a bull. I'm not sure I understand her passion, but I do respect
her for it. Not everyone can find true love among the human creatures
of the earth. Luckily, Daedalus was there to make sure Pasiphae had
the proper attire to meet her bovine lover. He made her a cow
outfit. Eventually she gave birth to a love-child known as the
ferocious and evil Minotaur.
1: Minos: What are you going to do when your wife dresses as a cow in
order to make love to a bull? Well, Minos is led down a crazy path
that eventually causes him to ejaculate insects that devour his lovers
from the inside. Not surprisingly, he has little trouble coaxing
anyone into bed.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
(_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_)
"Suicide Note in the Form of a Letter to the Editor"
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
(_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_)
Dear BMC,
I read the N-Com regularly and I have also been known to contribute an
article here and there. Lately I've been really depressed and, until
recently, I couldn't figure out why. Now I think I've discovered the
problem: two weeks ago I re-read your theme issue on suicide.
First of all, I want to begin by assuring you that I have never before in
my life contemplated suicide. On the other hand, I have joked about it a
lot and made fun of people who commit suicide; it was all in the spirit of
good clean jocularity. At first, I saw your theme issue in this light.
When I read it I laughed a lot and just generally sat around feeling
superior to people who commit suicide. I thought that you and the other
staff writers were doing the same.
Then, when I re-read the issue, it hit me: I should commit suicide.
Suddenly it all seemed so clear. The issue wasn't a joke at all.
Instead, it was a serious message about the futility of living in this
world. I just wanted you to know, before I head off to do myself in, that
you changed my life and I will be forever (well, if not forever then at
least for the next few minutes) in your debt.
Sincerely and Suicidally Yours,
Heckat
P.S. In my last few moments on this earth, I decided to re-read, one last
time, some of the articles I had written for the N-Com. I was anxious to
see if they would make as profound an impact on their audience as the
suicide articles had upon me. I looked up into the text of my article(s)
for the 200th issue of the N-Com and noticed "A Way To Avoid The Grim
Reaper." Because of its simplicity and eloquence, I have changed my mind
and have now decided to "live," just as my article suggests. BMC, thank
you for your objective journalism and for always printing both sides of
every issue. Your readership has you to thank that they now have all the
information they really need to decide whether or not to take their own
lives.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
(_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_)
"Four Steps To Perfect Love"
or
"How To Destroy That Sycophant Who Dumped You"
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
(_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_)
OK, so this article doesn't deal with any of the things it promises to in
its title. However, I think once you read it you might agree that it is
the best damn think-piece this magazine has ever seen.
L: A lot of 'l' words have to do with love. Well, just start with
'labial' and you'll see what I mean. Lips, licorice, lard. OK, maybe
not lard, but whipping cream can be fun. Anyway, there are a lot of
ingredients you can add that start with 'l.' I suggest you use your
imagination.
O: Isn't there a movie that goes by this name? What is it with movies
that have titles that are only one letter long. 'M' for instance, or
'X.' I'm also told that 'V' and 'H' are movies, but I don't really
trust my source on this one, so I'm not going to recommend that you
believe it. I'm not sure what this has to do with love. Oh, yeah, in
'O' doesn't the one guy kill the girl because he loves her too much?
Hmmm, curious thing this 'love.'
V: I guess I could have done the movie thing for this letter as well, but
since it's already old news, I'll try to think of something more
original. Well, we could get dirty and start talking about what our
vaginas might wear, or we could talk about venereal disease, venom,
velum, migrating geese...oh, dear, we're getting a bit off track here,
aren't we? When it comes right down to it, the best thing I can think
of that starts with 'v' is Virginia Slims. Now that's true love
baby - for modern women.
E: So what's more enjoyable than eating eggs and enumerating about the
economy? Nothing.
...I was tempted to leave 'e' there, but I can't go without talking
about erections, ejaculation, eros, erotica, erogenous zones, or
elixir number nine. These 'e' words used in combination can be quite
enjoyable and may have miraculous and/or disastrous 'e'ffects.
Experiment at your own risk.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
(_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_Y_)
Oh my, I think that was actually only six articles, rather than the 200 I
promised at the beginning. I hope you will all forgive my oversight, but
you can see how a miscalculation like this could easily happen to anyone.
Until next time, I'm wishing that the next 200 seconds of your life are
stupendous, that the next 200 minutes of your life are marvelous, that
the next 200 hours of your life are happy, that the next 200 days of your
life are dreamy, that the next 200 years of your life are yummy, that the
next 200 lifetimes of...wait, I think you get my point. *giggle* Silly
rabbit, Trix are for kids.
- - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - -
PARANOID FANTASY #200
- - - - -- -------={by Margarina Cataclysma}=------- -- - - - -
It was the day he decided to stay home.
It was the first time that he had sat at the kitchen table listening to
the sounds of the street, instead of darting out into them. He wondered
at his feet, in their thick socks, unshod. The morning light came in
through the windows at previously unimagined angles, illuminating
everything. The refrigerator, the kitchen cupboards, even the walls
glowed in the spring light. Specklets frolicked lazily in the sunbeams.
He got up. With his shirt unbuttoned and his jacket off, he passed from
room to room, grasping door frames and windowsills. He pushed himself into
the light. He pulsated giddily, stared at the cats and children and
dottering old ladies outside. He was coated in a thin layer of moisture.
He sat down. He stood up. He dashed back to the kitchen window, looked
out of that while pouring coffee into his gullet. Fresh beads of sweat
pushed themselves through the fine soft skin of his forehead.
He pulled the curtains closed, yanked his chair further back into the
shadows of the room, and huddled on it. He could do nothing but wait for
nightfall, wait for this infernal brilliance to end.
- - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - -
THE ANGEL VS 200 LBS OF HAAGIS
or
THE ANGEL RAFFI INCIDENT
or
I'D RATHER WORSHIP A GREASY OVEN MIT, YOU FREAK !!
- - - - -- -------====={by Junior Haagis}====------- -- - - - -
Well, scouring through the NET the other day, looking for religious
crackpots, I happened to stumble upon the webpage of a "Heaven's Gate"
wannabe named "Angel Raffi;" a new age spiritual leader who attempted to
snag a few followers through the web.
An email address and a frightening, single 2x2 photo was all I found on
the site. Ol' Raf looked like the head-shot of a grey silhouetted by a
blinding light from behind. Frankly, a renegade circus clown swinging a
meat-hook on a chain has a better chance of warmly winning your
confidence. Yet this curious but adoring teaser really started to work on
me. Raffi had snake-charm, no doubt about it, and I was beginin' ta feel
slippery.
Mmmmmmm....
Finally, after very little consideration into the consequences of my
actions, I thought, "What the Hell. I'll bite."
Clicking on the email address I wrote...
Greetings Angel Raffi,
Are you really an angel?
If so, where are your wings?
Your picture looks funny.
If your web-page is LA Calif. based, why does your
www address include "Uruguay"?
Does the mothership have a piano-bar in the lounge?
What are you hiding?
Were you once children's recording artist "Raffi"
and you died?
Are you selling any embroidered pot-holders with
your picture on it?
Have I just unwillingly entered your mailing list?
Your lil' pal,
Junior Haagis
A week went by. No reply. I went back to the search engine and tried to
find the page again.
Lo and behold... every trace of the guy was gone. Every hint, hit, and
link was erased clean.
Over-zealously speaking, I think I frightened him off.
Mike Douglas, eat your ass out.
But even though this now-spiritual relic, for whatever reason, chose to
pick up stakes and get outta Dodge rather than go toe-to toe with 200
pounds of tremendous, swilling Scottish delicacy, I think ultimately this
screaming coward got the last laugh. Maybe it was all he ever intended to
do.
Two weeks after that, a whole shit-load of junk-mail overwhelmed my
in-box.
I really pissed off the little bugger.
- - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - -
TWO HUNDRED THINGS THAT I HAVE STOLEN
- - - - -- -------=========={by Cog}=========------- -- - - - -
I have done a lot of things in this lifetime, but there are very few
things I've done two hundred times. Well, there's one thing I've done
enough times that if you square 200 you'd be getting close. I'm sure that
you don't want to hear a detailed account of each instance of that,
however.
Next on the list is theft. Now I'm not a particularly good or intelligent
thief -- hell, most of the time I don't even steal anything of value (or
of any remote interest to anyone including myself). But I figure I can
fill a list of two hundred if I count each thing that's been palmed by my
greasy mitts. It might even be fun (for me).
I'll start with the most recent; however, I will not continue
chronologically. Because I don't want to.
1. BMC and I went to a Wal-Mart McDonald's yesterday. Being the poor man
that I am, I ordered a Junior Big Xtra and a water. When they gave me
the water, I realized that it was self-serve (as opposed to Soft-Serv)
so I filled it with Coke. BMC and I both enjoyed that stolen Coke and
laughed at the fact that I abused McDonald's trust.
Then I refilled the Coke.
*STOLEN ITEMS = 2 TOTAL = 2
2. When I was a kid I had a "The Real Ghostbusters" sticker book. I went
to Safeway with my mom, and asked her to buy me the packs of stickers
I had in my hand. She said she would, so I put them in my pocket
without thinking. When I got home, I found them still in my pocket.
I stuck them in the book and was overjoyed when I realized that one of
the stolen packs had a 3-D sticker I needed! After I stuck them in
the book, I told my mom and asked if I should take them back. She
looked at me like I was retarded.
*STOLEN ITEMS = 3 TOTAL = 5
3. Many years ago, BMC was dating a girl he didn't like. He used to do
this for some reason, but has abandoned the practice years ago. He
wanted to have a reason to break up with her, so he asked me to
cuckold him. I don't think that he found out that I actually did
until about a year ago.
*STOLEN ITEMS = 1 TOTAL = 6
4. I participated in the theft of Dr. Yon Hon Gabriel. Then BMC stole
him again.
*STOLEN ITEMS = 1 TOTAL = 7
5. A light aircraft crashed the intersection of 51st Street and Warman
Road, about five blocks from my house. I went to see the crash site
with a few friends and I ended up making off with a chunk of the
plane's dashboard, and about 30 feet of "POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS"
tape. I think that could possibly be a federal crime.
*STOLEN ITEMS = 2 TOTAL = 9
6. I stole a pack of cigarettes out of a suit jacket that my uncle had
not worn for years. I smoked all of the remaining cigarettes and got
deathly ill. I vomited hot lime-colored liquid upon the grass by a
bus stop before passing out in my back yard. I later found out that
cigarettes become extremely poisonous when they're too old.
I went back to the bus stop and found that I had killed the grass.
*STOLEN ITEMS = 18 cigarettes TOTAL = 27
7. At an arcade/game rental place I used to frequent (GameWorld), they
had a huge gumball machine containing black gumballs that would net
you a free game rental. I found that if you pushed in the plastic
dome that held the gum, you could unscrew the top. I would then wait
until the person working went to the bathroom and asked me to watch
the place (I was a regular). Then I'd grab 2 black gumballs (one for
me, and one to sell for a dollar) and when they came back, I'd mime
like I got it with and imaginary quarter that I didn't have. I did
this for a couple of weeks until the guy realized I always won when he
was in the bathroom.
*STOLEN ITEMS = 26 gumballs TOTAL = 53
8. I didn't steal this item, but I possess it. It's the marker from a
grave in a pet cemetery for Winston the Bulldog. I stuck a magnet to
the back of it and put it on a metal door in my house. I hope to one
day hang my children's drawings on the fridge with it.
*STOLEN ITEMS = 1 TOTAL = 54
9. The WWF came to SaskPlace one year, so I went to see it with Super
Steve. We stole a couple front row ringside seats right up against
the squared circle. A guy wearing a suit with a WWF patch on it came
up and we thought we were busted -- turns out he gave us a box of
promotional items to pass out and hold up for the cameras! There were
banners, Brett Hart teddy bears, Brett Hart CCDC-style sunglasses and
foam items galore! We did NOT pass the items out, and the people who
had tickets for the seats we were in finally showed up so we had to
move. A security guard let us sit right up against the metal railing
at ringside, which was better than the seats we had stolen.
Steve broke a foam Tatanka tomahawk over Scary Sherry's head when she
came down the runway, and I poked her in the ass with my over-sized
foam Macho Man "#1" finger on her way out on a stretcher.
As a post-script, Brett Hart won the World Championship belt that day,
and Steve and I can be seen constantly in the video of the event.
*STOLEN ITEMS = 18 TOTAL = 72
10. Steve and I also stole some scalpels and boxes of surgical gloves from
the emergency ward of a hospital. I blew up a few gloves on my head
Howie Mandel-style, and Steve popped them with the scalpels.
*STOLEN ITEMS = 6 TOTAL = 78
11. The owner of GameWorld had gone away on business for a few weeks. We
found out that a fellow I'll call "Wheels" had the keys to the arcade
game warehouse, as he was the owner's assistant. We decided to have a
party there and put all the games on free play. We had Killer
Instinct (which had just come out the week before), and a Twilight
Zone pinball machine (my favorite!) along with many more. When we all
ran out of drugs/money/alcohol/food, we decided to do something that
would benefit us in many ways: We went to the Adobe Inn in
Martensville to get the CD jukebox they'd leased from GameWorld. We
told them it needed to be serviced, put it on the truck, and took it
to the warehouse. There was about $200 in it along with a lot of
music to listen to. From then on we'd repeat this with other machines
when we ran out of money. We all pretty much lived there for a week.
There was also a crate of GameWorld tokens, and we took a shopping bag
full of them to another arcade. I got really far in Dragon's Lair II
and Mad Dog McCree!
As the week went on, we also snagged one of each type of ticket
redemption prizes in the warehouse, and I got head from a girl twice.
I only wish it was while I was playing Twilight Zone. I suggested it,
but she thought it was weird. I suppose she just wasn't mature enough
to appreciate something like that.
*STOLEN ITEMS = Oh, let's say 65 including the head TOTAL = 143
12. We went to Why-Man's house to have a get-together. In-between
performing songs on the piano which made fun of BMC's then-current
girlfriend (who was with him on the couch and within earshot), Trev
and I drank a bottle of Big Daddy Dwayne's Crown Royal between the two
of us. We'll say about 10 drinks each.
*STOLEN ITEMS = 10 TOTAL = 153
13. Let's just say that myself and two others ended up with $300 in cash,
and a complete car stereo system (deck, amp, speakers). With most of
my $100 share of the cash I bought a quarter and smoked everybody up.
*STOLEN ITEMS = 4 TOTAL = 157
14. There was a guy in high school that we'll call Rapaz. He had a place
not far from school, and his mom worked during the day. Nobody really
liked him, though. One day he said something which pissed someone
off... I believe it was a disparaging remark against someone's
girlfriend. The next day Rapaz wasn't at school, so we went to his
house. We woke him up by playing the stereo in his room at full
volume, and when he got up we left. I stole the painting in his front
hallway on my way out.
That one doesn't make much sense.
*STOLEN ITEMS = 1 TOTAL = 158
15. I've stolen a few glass A&W mugs.
*STOLEN ITEMS = 6 TOTAL = 164
16. There was a girl named Model Girl (not her real name). BMC and I went
to school with her, and she was pretty cool. Later on, Model Girl and
I started hanging out socially together. Soon after, however, we both
fell in bed with each other. We had all manner of interesting sex
together nearly every day for months. What does this have to do with
theft, you ask? Well, the answer may surprise you: What did I steal?
Model Girl. Who did I steal her from? You. The World.
I also stole BMC's happiness with this one. He got it back, however.
We'll also say I stole kisses. And since "kisses" is plural, we'll
count 2 more items.
*STOLEN ITEMS = 4 TOTAL = 168
17. Street signs: I have stolen a "DEAD END" sign, "FRESH OIL" signs,
"HIGH VOLTAGE" signs, a "YIELD" and "STOP" sign, and once I stole an
entire 'Road Closed' roadblock setup complete with sawhorse, pylons
and the little easel-things they put 'Men Working' signs on.
*STOLEN ITEMS = 12 TOTAL = 180
18. It's been said that I stole my sister. Apparently, I flew over
Philadelphia -- flew down and spirited her away; much like the
creatures in Yoshi's Island.
*STOLEN ITEMS = 1 TOTAL = 181
19. When BMC and I were at the School Board office filming an animated
cartoon for the gifted students' program, ELO, we stole Cokes from the
teachers' fridge. That'll teach 'em.
I also stole the spotlight, because we ended up spending too much time
on my half of the cartoon.
*STOLEN ITEMS = 3 TOTAL = 184
20. I once got a library card under an assumed name and took out the
maximum amount of books, CD's, and videos. Guess where they are now?
Now no one can say that I don't have a book on the history of
Factoria.
*STOLEN ITEMS = 12 TOTAL = 196
21. I stole blueprints for something at one point. I think they were for
the Delta Bessborough Hotel. I do not know where these are currently,
so the plan must wait.
*STOLEN ITEMS = 1 TOTAL = 197
22. This wasn't me, but I thought I'd share it anyways. A friend of mine
broke into a classmate's house when he was 14. He drank all the
liquor in the house, puked all over the living room, deleted the
COMMAND.COM off the computer, and then he passed out.
*STOLEN ITEMS = 0 TOTAL = 197
23. BMC and I went to Brother's Two restaurant with two other people.
They refused to seat us in the booths in the nearly empty dining area,
but sat the four of us in a two-seater. I had a meal and a drink,
so...
*STOLEN ITEMS = 2 TOTAL = 199
24. I bet you're wondering what the last one is. Well it's not the
picture of that guy in the Army & Navy store, though I wish like hell
that it was. No, number 200 on my list of stolen items is a much more
abstract item. It is, simply...
Your heart.
*STOLEN ITEMS = 1 TOTAL = 200
My fingers are so fucking tired. BMC wants me to write a closing
paragraph, but I won't do it. So what I want all of you to do is this:
Think of the funniest, best ending you can. Then pretend I wrote it.
- - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - -
200 CE IS FOR ME!
- - - - -- -------====={by Gnarly Wayne}=====------- -- - - - -
When I first started researching the greatest events in 200 CE I had very
high expectations. As well, I had a couple of totally classic events
already in my mind. I'm sure you all know which ones I'm talking about.
However, in my first minute of serching, I came across something that
made me think someone had heard about my 200 CE article and went and put
this little web page up. Of course, I am talking about the great Greek
writer Sextus Empiricus and his philosophy on homosexuality. This brings
us to the first great event of 200 CE.
1. Sextus Empiricus goes apeshit on homosexual behaviour.
People in 200 CE liked to write. In fact, they liked writing so much
that they'd let everyone do it. So comes around Sextus Empiricus
writing about the evils of alternative lifestyles and of non-Greeks.
First off, he goes into this little rant about how bad homosexuality is
and how bad it is for men to dress up like women. Then Sextus one ups
himself and says Persians like to have anal sex with one another and
marry their mothers, and Egyptians like to marry their sisters. I
don't know about that, Sextus. Maybe if your name wasn't Sextus I
could give you more credibility. Oh, and at the end of his tirade, he
throws in something about cannibalism.
2. Mishnah lawcode compiled.
This is the basis for rabbinical Judaism and for the rules of Sanhedrin,
the Supreme Council and Court of Jews in Jerusalem. Hey, not every
event in 200 CE is going to be peppered with humour. In fact, I'm
willing to bet that old Sexy Empiricus is my only bite for this entire
article.
3. China gets the suan-pan abacus; Japan gets the soroban abacus
What do you want to bet that these abaci looked EXACTLY the same? They
just have different names because the Chinese and the Japanese don't
like sharing names, even though, from what I can tell, their languages
are exactly the same. I once watched a movie where a guy used an
abacus for a weapon. I can see that being pretty handy, actually. No
one would suspect a simple abacus to be their demise. There was only
one problem, though. It was a GIANT abacus. I mean, it was at least
his height. I've tried to wrap my head around why someone would want
to be proficient in the giant abacus, but I can't figure it out.
4. Kingdom of Quadlum is formed
This is, of course, the kingdom that was formed when the elves were
united by the First King, Senithain Quadlum. I hate using the Internet
to find out my facts. I wasn't even aware of this kingdom up until
now. Lousy media. Always jacking me of information.
5. St. Peter sails from Caesarea to Italy
I don't know why he did this. This is all I could find. Man, I wish
whenever I decided to travel someone would record it in a history book.
He probably didn't even do anything worthwhile while he was there. He
was probably all like "Crap. This place sux. I'm going back to
Caesarea, where the grass is green and I'm a lean, mean, scripture
writing machine, even though machines have not been invented yet."
In summary, 200 CE was easily the most exciting year of all time. It was
like a really good Hollywood movie that had all the elements that everyone
loves. If you had a one-shot time machine and could go to any year, pick
200 CE. You can see abacuses and watch saints sail around. Yay 200 CE!
- - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - -
200 WAYS TO AVOID WORK
- - - - -- -------======={by Komrade B}======------- -- - - - -
Issue 200. Wow who would have thunk it? Certainly not, not now, not back
in the days when BMC would force me to turn out non-sensical literature
back in 98.
Now its 2K2 and we have issue 200. What's changed? Not much. We're
still churning out non-sensical literature, only I'm not being forced to
do it... oh yeah and there are lots of writers whom I have contact with...
Yep Issue 200.
Since the demise of EJ back in 00, I have a had a severe case of writer's
block. Nothing good is coming out of this mind and through these hands.
(Well nothing ever did but its worse now trust me...)
So here we go the Top 200 list of things you do at work to avoid working.
1. Write N-Com articles.
2. Read Junk email.
3. Go to the bathroom 37 times a day.
4. Masturbate in the bathroom. (You know who you are)
5. Take up drinking coffee so...
6. You can visit the coffee machine 36 times a day.
7. #6 helps #3 be more believable.
8. Talk about your weekends.
9. Read and reread whatever websites your company doesn't block.
10. Write musicals and plays that you will perform with your cats that
evening.
11. Book lots of pointless appointments with the doctor about your "sore"
knee.
12. Book lots of pointless appointments with your dentist about your
"loose" filling.
13. Write top 200 lists.
14. Hide behind your desk when you know the receptionist has a call for
you.
15. Take up smoking.
16. Do #15 so you can sit at the table where the other smokers sit 8 times
a day.
17. Spend 15 minutes talking about what you had for supper the previous
night.
18. Let the air out of your tires and claim car trouble.
19. Come in 6 minutes late.
20. Leave 9 minutes early.
21. Learn to talk to everyone when you are on your way to doing #3.
22. Talk to the guy that always has lame stories and pretend you are
interested.
23. Find people lazier then you and stand around them.
24. Join message boards. (Hours and Hours wasted...)
25. Wander in the warehouse.
26. Check inventory outside.
27. Call your bank lots.
28. Do lots of online banking. (If your company permits you to.)
29. Book lots of appointments with your financial advisor.
30. Come to work sick and then do nothing. (You are perceived as a go
getter.)
31. Learn to sleep with your eyes open.
32. Draw cartoons on toilet paper.
33. Talk to people about the awesome new pizza place you discovered.
34. Tell them however its not as good as Randy's pizza but its still quite
good.
35. Talk about how you wish Winnipeg still had the Jets.
36. Write Randy Carlyle an email about how you like his new fan site.
37. Plan a trip to Major, SK.
38. Complain about how little you get paid to other people who complain
about the same thing.
39. Laugh inside because you know you make more then them.
40. Wear a costume once a week. The amount of conversation you receive
will deter you from work.
41. If you get sent home by the boss to change.... hey all the better.
42. Bring your cat to work wearing a little sombrero. The boss will be mad
but the women will think it's cute so he won't yell at you.
43. Periodically get up to see how your new office is coming along. (Okay
that one was for me.)
44. Yell at passerbys from your new window office.
45. Figure out a way to get your window open so you can yell at
passerbys...
46. Figure out ways of projecting your voice 300 feet so the passerbys can
hear you.
47. Think about NTN and how you messed up that question about Sir Francis
Bacon...
48. Daydream about what you would do if you were the boss.
49. Think about taking off to Future Shop when they open...
50. Do a little bit of work but act like you've done a lot....
51. Realize you have another 149 reasons but lack creativity...
52. If you feel a cold coming on make sure everyone knows you are getting
one so you can call in sick the next day.
53. Send pointless interoffice emails around using someone else's account.
54. Spread rumors.
55. Foster these rumors.
56. Talk to your wife or girlfriend for an hour or so everyday.
57. Savour and I mean savour the bag of chips you bought from the vending
machine.
58. Download a bunch of card games onto your computer.
59. Talk about last nights episode of Sex in the City.
60. Tell everyone how excited you are about the new upcoming Breeders
album.
61. Actually try working....
62. Talk about the big game the previous night.
63. Show pictures of your cat (or dog I guess...)
64. Complain about the proletariat.
65. Ask people pointless questions and don't leave them alone until they
give you an answer.
66. What if the Normans had not won the Battle of Hastings?
67. What if Frederick II allowed his son Henry to unify Germany?
68. What if Dante wrote about cats instead of Heaven?
69. What if....well you get the idea.
70. Asking the above questions can earn you a few appointments with a
therapist. Bonus....
71. Go see D7an at the computer store.
72. Bring balls to work and toss them around with the young guy that likes
to horse around...
73. Complain to others about how little other people do.
74. Boss around your lessers.
75. Have your lessers perform meaningless mundane tasks. Thus making you
feel like the boss.
76. Hide comic books inside product catalogs. (Gets you your fix while
making you look like a go-getter)
77. Finger darts
78. Hammer balls
79. Flirt with the receptionists. (Not for me but works for others)
80. Lean heavily on things.
81. Pretend you know a customer better then you do and talk to them
non-stop.
82. Start off talking business for instance about invoices then mention
how you are pricing garage doors.
83. Talk about your new cabin which will incite the following.
84. Talking about your lake.
85. Talking about your boat.
86. Talking about your boat accessories.
87. Talking about your neighbors. (at the lake)
88. Talking about your neighbors. (at home)
89. Talking about the kids.
90. Talking about fire stoves and boilers...
91. You get the idea. Suggestive conversation is a brilliant tool. Some of
the old veterans are best at this.
92. Talking about kids
93. How they get into stuff.
94. How they say the darndest things.
95. How they are the smartest kid in their class.
96. How you had to pick them up at jail, because of drunkenness and public
defecation.
97. How you bought them a new car and they totaled it while receiving
oral sex from a prostitute.
98. How they took money from your wallet at knife point.
99. How they turned your vacuum into a bong.
100. How they have dinner theater which is essentially eating noodles and
watching pornography.
101. Listen to how they tell you about how their kid cut class.
102. Then you tell them about how your kid beat up the principal.
103. Basically if you have a kid you can get in on this.
104. Listen to the guy in the next office talking to himself.
105. Read every textfile printed in the last 10 years.
106. Masturbate to ASCII pornography.
107. Download some GG Allin and turn your speakers down low enough that
your boss cannot hear it from down the hall.
108. Hang out on the roof.
109. Check out the weather page every hour and then double check by going
outside.
110. Print up everything you've ever wanted to have a paper copy of.
111. Start up a Star Trek newsgroup on the company's intranet.
112. When you go home early, make sure to ask the person in the
neighbouring office to close your door when they go home.
113. Read up on BRE and Druglord tips.
114. Plan your own funeral.
115. Weigh yourself three times a day on the company scale in the shipping
area.
116. Slack duties for Warehouse guys depend on you giving 35%.
117. Pack boxes extremely slowly.
118. When using the forklifts go for an extra rip around the yard.
119. See how high the forks on the forklift can go.
120. See how much you can lift with forklifts.
121. Find a straight run way and race down it with the lift. Time yourself
and later try to break that record.
122. Have arm wrestling contests with fellow warehousemen.
123. Drop and do 50 when the eye of the tiger song comes on the radio.
124. Hide in the packing chip box.
125. Plan to take the car for an Oil Change.
126. Plan to take someone else so they can get their car an Oil Change.
127. Leave work to fill your car up with gas.
128. Go home to sleep.
129. Go home to play Europa Universalis for a couple of hours.
130. Talk about playoff hockey.
131. Talk about how McLaren should have gotten a much longer suspension.
132. Talk about the booing of the anthem.
133. Internet stalking.
134. Read emails from your stupid friend in Europe.
135. Think about how it should be you on that trip not him.
136. Day dream about winning the Stanley cup.
137. Find new ways to think about things if your company does not permit
dreams.
138. Look on the Internet for new jobs since your current job sucks.
139. Tell people at work how your job sucks more then theirs.
140. Laugh inside because you know they in fact have much suckier jobs
than you.
141. Request to go on the road with Tomas Steen. (Request denied)
142. Plan to go for that extra long lunch with the guy that works for the
City.
143. Complain about all the road construction.
144. Complain about how summer is never going to come.
145. Complain about the lack of rain.
146. Complain about the government.
147. Work on your curveball.
148. Talk about how you started working out this weekend. (You're lying)
149. Plan where you are going to go for lunch today.
150. Leave 5 minutes early for lunch.
151. Come back 10 minutes late from lunch.
152. Use excuses like how a train prevented you from getting back to work
on time.
153. Get into a fight with the lippy receiving guy.
154. Work on your playoff draft.
155. Think of trades for your fantasy baseball league.
156. Go to the warehouse and talk about the playoff draft with the guys.
157. Check your results on distributed.net you know because you hate
encryption.
158. Look for job openings at the local salt mine.
159. Lament when you realize your dreams have been squashed by Corporate
capitalists.
160. Lament over the fact that no matter how much you save you still only
have 200 bucks in the bank.
161. Call your brother and ask him to put the family cat on the phone.
162. Price out vehicles you'll never be able to afford.
163. Continue to plan that heavy sack beating you have in the works for
BMC.
164. Sell company inventory under the table to your friends.
165. Plan a long lunch in which you sell this inventory and write it off
as a sales call.
166. Start talking about golf when the season approached.
167. Plan some tee times preferable with customers during work hours.
168. Even if you suck at golf go at least once a week.
169. Destroy valuable property and frame other employees.
170. Plan this mayhem during the morning when you are at your sharpest.
171. Realize you only have 29 more to do...
172. Show pictures of your vacation to Puerto Rico.
173. Beat up the guy that says they're just pictures of Pike Lake.
174. Talk about the movie or movies you saw the night before.
175. Put gin in your iced tea.
176. Brag about your hole in one in Golden Tee.
177. Brag about the joints you smoked that were dipped in acid and laced
with cocaine.
178. Plan a grocery list of the food you'll toss in your closet to appease
the bear that lives in there.
179. Realize on May 7th it will be the 8 anniversary of when you filmed
Mang Slaughter.
180. Realize it will be another 23 years before it's available on MPEG
format.
181. Force three guys at work at knife point to perform stuntwork for Mang
Slaughter IV.
182. Write a script for the upcoming movie, just after coffee until just
before lunch.
183. Stare at the container of spaghetti you left on your desk over the
weekend.
184. Think of ways you can trick someone into cleaning the container for
you.
185. Congratulate yourself on your success.
186. Stare at your picture of Paul Kariya and tell people how you know
him. (You don't)
187. 187
188. Talk about Dre day.
189. Ask people how to get rid of cradle cap.
190. Tell your boss today is the day you beat genital warts.
191. Have sex on the photocopier.
192. Masturbate on the photocopier. (If you're not attractive)
193. Smuggle office supplies out of building.
194. Formulate an elaborate but unnecessary plan to accomplish the above.
195. Tell all the guys that it is possible to overflow the urinal if you
time the flushing right.
196. Tell the janitor about the mess in the bathroom.
197. Tape all the dead flies you killed over the summer to the mouthpiece
of the guy you hates phone.
198. Paste the head of the guy you hate at work over a pic of someone
giving themselves oral sex and place the caption. "Employee of the
month" on it. Then paste it on the wall.
199. Plan your defence in the harassment lawsuit.
200. Get a new job.
- - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - -
200 LITRES - THE SCREENPLAY
- - - - -- -------========={by BMC}==========------- -- - - - -
formatting by Melatonin
FADE IN:
INT. OFFICE - DAY
A small living room that's been converted into a makeshift office. All of
the lights are out and BLAKE -- a 29-year-old man with an average build
and cropped hair -- sits in the near-darkness. The camera studies him
from behind, looming ominously from the ceiling.
Over this, WE HEAR the defeated voice of a depressed, world-weary
man, and soon realize that it is in fact the voice of Blake.
BLAKE (VOICE-OVER)
This is my life. My name is Blake. I'm a detective
in search of the 200 gallons...
The voice pauses, thinking, then begins again.
BLAKE (V.O.)
Hi. I'm Blake. It was a week ago when I began my
search for the 200 Litres...
(beat)
Blake. Blake. I'm Blake, a detective. When things
go wrong, I'm the one they call...
(beat)
It was about a week ago when things started to go
screwy. So I took the job. I had my suspicions
right from the start. 200 Litres had to be
involved somehow...
(beat)
I was sitting around at home one night, just
thinking about the state of the world and how 200
Litres was involved. If I was going to do this
right, I knew I was going to need the proper
attire.
Blake stands up, walks out of room. Camera MOVES IN on a voice recorder
resting on the table (red light on, of course), which until now has been
hidden from view by Blake's hunched body.
Song "Jump For My Love" by the Pointer Sisters begins to play.
INT. HALLWAY
Camera rests at the end of a darkened hallway. Blake walks toward it until
his face can be clearly seen. He has brown hair, long jowls, and a fierce
determination in his eyes. When he reaches the camera, he looks into it
like a keyhole, then turns it clockwise 90 degrees so that it points into
the room at the end of the hallway. This is his bedroom.
Blake walks in.
INT. BEDROOM
Blake turns on the light. His room looks very much like a young girl's
room (canopy bed, teddy bears, etc.), but the room has an all-blue colour
scheme, thereby making it seem distinctly male.
As he walks toward his closet, the camera ZOOMS IN on him and comes to a
STOP when he opens the door of the closet to reveal one pair of khaki
pants and two hundred T-shirts.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Title and credits begin to roll, interspersed with scenes of Blake in
khakis and different T-shirts, sometimes twirling around, sometimes
playing air guitar, etc. Credits and song end simultaneously.
Blake steps into the foreground, wearing black dress pants, a white
dress shirt, and a black tie, tied in a tight double Windsor knot.
BLAKE
Now all I need is a sweet blazer.
A Houndstooth jacket magically appears in his hand
BLAKE
Yeah. 200 Litres.
Blake walks out of bedroom and turns right -- not turning the camera
with him this time -- and exits frame.
EXT. BLAKE'S HOUSE - DAY
A bright sunny day. Blake opens the door of his small suburban home and
walks down the steps. Camera slowly PUSHES IN on him. He stretches, looks
around, smiles knowingly. As we move in CLOSER, we realize that the camera
is not going to zoom in on his face but rather the knot of his tie, which
can now clearly be seen as a double Windsor knot.
EXT. BLAKE'S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
Blake now stands by the car in front of the house. He pats his
pockets, looking for keys. Becomes worried.
CLOSE-UP - BLAKE'S JACKET POCKET
A bulge suddenly appears in them.
CLOSE-UP - BLAKE'S FACE
He registers awareness that the keys have entered his pocket.
MEDIUM CLOSE-UP - BLAKE'S POCKET/SURROUNDING AREA
He pulls the keys out of his pocket. The keytag reads "200 Litres".
INT. CAR(MOVING) - LATER
Positioned in the back seat, the camera watches Blake as he drives
down the street. He turns the radio on.
1ST RADIO VOICE (V.O.)
...nobody knows if there is any connection
between this and 200 Litres.
BLAKE
Fuck! I missed it!
2ND RADIO VOICE (V.O.)
Ha Ha Ha! I bet they'll never try that again!
1ST RADIO VOICE (V.O.)
...and in other news, there was a gigantic car
accident in the city centre this afternoon. Ten
people are estimated to have died.
2ND RADIO VOICE (V.O.)
I be they'll never try that again! Ha Ha! Well
Bob, do you think this has anything to do with
200 litres?
BLAKE
Yes! Yes it does!
1ST RADIO VOICE (V.O.)
Well, it's too early to say for certain at this
point, but it is definitely a possibility.
Blake switches radio station. "Carolina In The Morning" by Tony Clifton
comes on.
BLAKE
Nobody knows anything about 200 Litres... yet.
Do they know what it's been doing? No. Do they
know where to find it? No. The police are
helpless. The radio can only speculate. 200
Litres is so underground that it might as well
be... like, really underground. The problem is
that nobody has any leads. You don't get leads
by sitting around waiting for them. You've got
to get leads on the leads. You follow the leads
on the leads and you come up with some leads.
Then you follow those and then... only then...
do you finally find 200 Litres.
CLOSE-UP - CAR ASHTRAY
It's completely clean, never been used. Blake's hand enters frame and
extinguishes a cigarette -- even though he hasn't been seen smoking a
cigarette at any point in the story.
Camera ZOOMS OUT, PANS UP slightly to show Blake, now from passenger's
seat. He begins to calmly look around (for a lead)
BLAKE
It's like the emperor who needed some new
clothes, so he had to look for someone who knew
someone who knew someone who made clothes. He
asked his advisor if he had any leads, and the
advisor told him to talk to the merchant down
the street.
CLOSE-UP - BLAKE'S MOUTH
Blake's mouth fills the frame as he speaks his next line.
BLAKE
This was a lead on a lead.
CLOSE-UP - BLAKE'S EYES
Frantically scanning in front of and to the sides of him.
BLAKE
He then talked to the merchant, who informed him
of a clothing maker in the area.
CLOSE-UP - BLAKE'S MOUTH
BLAKE
This was the lead.
MEDIUM SHOT - BLAKE DRIVING
Blake drives past a LETHARGIC YOUNG MAN on sidewalk with a shirt that says
"Blowjob Dispenser" and has a picture of a lead pipe on it. Blake notices,
keeps eye trained on young man as car continues to roll forward.
CLOSE-UP - E-BRAKE
Blake pulls it frantically.
EXT. DOWNTOWN SIDEWALK
There is no parking (or, only parallel parking with no cars to obstruct
the view) beside the sidewalk. The Lethargic Young Man stands slightly to
the left of FRAME CENTER. Blake enters FRAME RIGHT and stops slightly to
the right of center. They look at each other.
BLAKE
So... what do you know about 200 Litres?
The Lethargic Young Man, who has been blank-faced until this point, lets
out a sound that is a combination between a scream and a yell, lasting
approximately eight seconds. His face then returns to its former blank
state.
BLAKE
Do you know where...
The Lethargic Young Man screams again, this time more insistently, and
only for one second. Blake pauses for a moment, then begins again.
BLAKE
Excuse me, but I'm looking for...
Lethargic Young Man screams for a brief moment
BLAKE
Hey...
Lethargic Young Man screams.
BLAKE
Can you...
Lethargic Young Man screams. Blake pauses for approximately 20 seconds.
During this time we see INTERCUT CLOSE-UPS of Blake's eyes expressing fear
and confusion, and the Young Man looking straight forward with no facial
statement. Blake continues to look as if he is going to speak, but
hesitates in fear each time. He finally turns around and exits the frame.
Blake walks away from the Lethargic Young Man, who remains standing in the
background. As Blake nears the camera, it begins to TRACK alongside him,
monitoring his monologue.
BLAKE
I go to this place every week at Three O'Clock.
There's three guys sitting in there, always
Three O'Clock. Everyone in this town knows them.
They're there every day, drinking coffee and
smoking cigarettes. And they're always talking
about the weather or one of the dimensions.
Especially time. They're always talking about
time.
Blake steps into a barber shop.
INT. BARBER SHOP
A quaint barber shop - the quintessential barber shop. Blake walks in,
walks past three cigarette-smoking, coffee-drinking OLD MEN. As he stands
at the counter, WE HEAR the conversation of the Old Men
1ST MAN
Three O'Clock. Sounds like an Irishman to me.
2ND MAN
You sure? Isn't that a Chinese name - Three?
3RD MAN
Ha! It's a goddamn Dutch name, you ask me!
The BARBER, an older gentleman with a pencil moustache, steps forward,
addressing Blake.
BARBER
Good afternoon, Blake. Here for the usual?
BLAKE
Yeah, take it all off.
Blake and the Barber step off the side. Blake takes off all his clothes
while the Barber sharpens a straight razor and prepares a lather, which he
then applies to Blake's entire body.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. BARBER SHOP - LATER
Blake now has socks, underwear, and a t-shirt on and is in conversation
with the three Old Men.
BLAKE
So, have you guys heard anything about 200
Litres?
1ST MAN
200 Litres? 200 Litres doesn't exist!
2ND MAN
200 Litres hasn't been around here for years
now!
3RD MAN
I might know something about 200 Litres.
BLAKE
Yeah right, you don't know anything about it.
3RD MAN
No, no! I do! I'll tell you where to find it if
you like!
BLAKE
You're full of shit, you ignorant fucker.
EXT. BARBER SHOP - LATER
Blake, once again dressed, steps outside and continues to walk down the
street.
BLAKE
A raised nose exposes an easily slitted throat.
Hey, that reminds me... I could go for some
groceries right now. I bet Mike is working right
now.
With that, Blake stops. He has now conveniently walked from the barber
shop to the grocery store. He goes inside.
INT. GROCERY STORE
CLOSE-UP - NAMETAG
It reads "Mike".
WE ZOOM OUT to show Mike walking out of the back room. As he saunters
forward, he extinguishes a cigarette in a flower pot, then ambles lazily
up to the front of the store. Before he can reach the tills, however, he
bumps into Blake.
BLAKE
Hey Mike, what's up?
JANE (V.O.)
(via intercom)
Mike, can you wrap on till three?
Mike points into sky to show Blake that he is being called by Jane.
MIKE
Hey Blake, I'm just finishing a break here.
BLAKE
Oh, that's too bad. When's your next break?
MIKE
I don't know. I guess I could take it right
now. Want to go for a beer?
BLAKE
Yep, sounds good. I've got a couple questions
you might be able to answer for me.
JANE (V.O.)
Mike, wrap on till three please.
EXT. GROCERY STORE
Mike and Blake walk outside and begin down the street.
BLAKE
OK, now I've got something to ask you about 200-
MIKE
Wait, wait. Did I tell you what happened at work
today?
BLAKE
No, what happened?
MIKE
Well this lady was getting some groceries and she
told me she wanted to file a complaint with the
soup company because their labels are too hard to
take off when she's trying to recycle her cans.
BLAKE
So?
MIKE
So I started peeling the labels off her cans
right there. She got mad. It was pretty funny.
Mike and Blake stop at the corner of the street and wait for the walk
light to cross the street
BLAKE
Great story. But I've got to ask you something
important now. What do you know about 200
Litres? Tell me. I'm desperate, man.
MIKE
200 Litres? Wow, where do I begin? OK, the first
thing you've got to know is-
At that instant a car suddenly SPEEDS through a red light and HITS Mike,
killing him instantly. The car keeps driving, not slowing down or stopping
at all, and its license plate reads "200 L".
BLAKE
This is a sign. I'm sure of it. I think that
my next step should be to... assume Mike's
identity.
INT. GROCERY STORE - LATER
Blake wanders into the grocery store, now wearing Mike's (slightly blood-
speckled) uniform and nametag. He comes to a stop and looks around,
obviously having no idea what he's supposed to do next.
JANE (V.O.)
Mike, for the seventeenth time, can you wrap at
till three please?
Blake looks around, then looks down at his nametag and realizes that she's
calling him. He hurries over to till three.
JANE, a black-haired woman in her mid-twenties, is standing there, waiting
for him.
JANE
Hey Mike, how was your break?
BLAKE
Not bad. What do you want me to do?
JANE
Take the groceries as I hand them to you and
put them in the bag.
BLAKE
Which bag?
JANE
Any of the bags that are sitting right in front
of you. Mike, you look strange. Is there
something different about you?
BLAKE
I don't know. Not really. Do you know anything
about 200 Litres?
JANE
Oh, I know what it is! You've gotten your entire
body shaved. It's a good look on you.
BLAKE
Thanks. Well, I'm done bagging these groceries.
What do I do now?
JANE
I guess you could just wander aimlessly around
the store like you usually do. I'm kidding. I
don't know. Is there anything to do in the back?
Blake shrugs his shoulders, then walks off into the back room.
INT. GROCERY STORE(BACK ROOM)
Blake enters the back room, a small, cluttered space of stacked boxes and
humming machinery. CHRISTIE -- a fellow employee -- is there misting some
roses. She looks up at him and smiles.
CHRISTIE
Hey Mike, nice full body shave. Very sexy. Are
we still on for tonight after work?
BLAKE
Who the hell are you and why are you calling me
Mike?
CHRISTIE
I'm calling you Mike because that's your name.
BLAKE
Oh yeah, I forgot that I'm supposed to be
pretending that I'm Mike. OK, let's go out on a
date tonight. Where are we going anyway?
CHRISTIE
To my place, remember?
BLAKE
Why don't we skip the date and just go have sex
in the cooler right now?
CHRISTIE
Sounds acceptable to me.
They walk over to the cooler door, hand in hand, and step inside.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. GROCERY STORE(BACK ROOM)
The cooler doors whoosh open and Blake and Christie stumble out.
CHRISTIE
Well that was fun. See you later.
She leaves.
BLAKE
Hey wait... you don't happen to know anything
about 200 Litres do you? Oh golly.
Blake realizes his folly, then turns to the camera and shrugs his
shoulders.
FADE TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
INT. DONUT SHOP - NIGHT
A mostly empty, all-night donut shop. Blake sits in a booth with two cups
of coffee in front of him. He sips from one, then the other, then begins
to cry. TWO DETECTIVES come in. Blake tries to hide from them, but is
unsuccessful. They come over and sit beside him. Applause.
1ST DETECTIVE
So, do you have any leads on 200 Litres yet?
BLAKE
What makes you think I'm looking for 200 Litres?
2ND DETECTIVE
Everyone is looking for 200 Litres.
BLAKE
Oh yeah, well maybe I already found it and solved
the whole mystery?
1ST DETECTIVE
Are you serious?
BLAKE
Maybe.
2ND DETECTIVE
I can't believe you beat us to it. Well,
congratulations. I'm sure you'll get a promotion.
BLAKE
Really?
1ST DETECTIVE
Yes.
Blake smiles.
INT. CITY HALL - DAY
The overwhelmingly grand architecture of City Hall looms all around.
The MAYOR stands at a podium before a small crowd of REPORTERS and
CITIZENS, where he appoints Blake as chief of police. Blake smiles
and waves.
Suddenly the old, throaty voice of a Narrator begins.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
And so Blake's life was set. He achieved
everything he had ever worked toward since
childhood. The only thing he never quite found
the time for was love.
INT. POLICE CHIEF'S OFFICE
Blake sits at his desk, his hands working frantically below frame. On the
desk a Sears catalogue lies flipped open to the nightwear section.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
He made up for this through years of compulsive
masturbation, for which he was eventually caught
and fired.
INT. COURT ROOM
Blake, in suit and tie, stands in court, protesting his innocence to the
JUDGE. As his speech grows to an impassioned climax, the camera PANS DOWN
to show the Judge's hands, also working frantically below frame as he
listens.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
In the end, though, he appealed this decision
and was given his job back - with an increase
in pay, strangely enough.
INT. POLICE STATION(OFFICE) - DAY
A group of police officers mill about, all of them smiling.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
This set a precedent that dictated that all
police officers were allowed to masturbate while
on duty, given the exception that their pants
not be pulled more than three inches below their
knees.
INT. BLAKE'S NEW OFFICE - DAY
Blake sits in his office. The camera studies him from the same ceiling-
based HIGH ANGLE as the first shot in the first scene.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
But deep inside Blake knew that it would only be
a matter of time until 200 Litres would catch up
with him. And it did.
Blake turns around, screams.
FADE TO BLACK.
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c o p y r i g h t 2 0 0 2 b y #200-05/05/02
t h e n e o - c o m i n t e r n
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