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s u b v e r s i v e l i t e r a t u r e f o r
s u b v e r t e d p e o p l e
j a n u a r y 2 7 t h , 2 0 0 2
e d i t o r - b m c
- - - - ----==={ I N S T A L L M E N T 1-8-7 }===---- - - - -
w r i t e r s :
a d a
j e t j a g u a r
a h m e d b a l f o u n i
l i n e a r
s p i t e
m e l a t o n i n
b u j o e
c o g
g n a r l y w a y n e
b m c
- - - - ----==={ F E A T U R E S }===---- - - - -
Top 10 Rejected N-Com Taglines
Top 10 Nintendo Entertainment System Video Games
by Gnarly Wayne and BMC
Top 10 American Poets
by Ahmed Balfouni
Top 10 Canadian Poets
by ada
Top 10 Old-Testament Bible Passages
by linear
Top 10 Super Villains
by Cog and BMC
Top 10 Random Things
by Melatonin
Top 10 Favourite N-Com Articles
by Bu Joe
Top 10 Old School Personalities for Poseurs
by Jet Jaguar
Top 10 Most Prolific N-Com Contributors
by BMC
Top 10 Methods of Procrastination Used in the Past Week
by Spite
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e d i t o r ' s n o t e
- - - - ---==={PLEASE DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING!}===--- - - - -
Gnarly 1/21/02 7:43 PM sloosh
BMC 1/21/02 7:50 PM hey sucka
Gnarly 1/21/02 7:51 PM hey weiner
BMC 1/21/02 8:02 PM wiggitty
Gnarly 1/21/02 8:02 PM ok, enough small talk. Let's get down to
business.
BMC 1/21/02 8:03 PM certainly. what issue would you like to get
to first? the editor's note for issue 187?
Gnarly 1/21/02 8:08 PM yeah sure, but I thought we were just going
to use:
Where? Compton. What? Compton? Who? Compton.
How? Compton.
-=*O N E E I G H T S E V E N*=-
BMC 1/21/02 8:15 PM lol you know what we should do?
let's have an IRC conversation about the
issue and log it... that will make it like an
old school text file, will it not?
Gnarly 1/21/02 8:16 PM sure wouold cept I lack an IRC proggie.
BMC 1/21/02 8:17 PM can we do that isht through ICQ then?
Gnarly 1/21/02 8:17 PM I would assume so.
BMC 1/21/02 8:30 PM OK. Since this is a tribute to the old
school, we are starting it in a traditionally
old-school way.
Gnarly 1/21/02 8:30 PM What BMC means to say is that since is an old
skool issue, we will do it in a traditionally
old-skool way(ne).
BMC 1/21/02 8:32 PM And it is old school in many ways. Firstly,
we have no idea what we're going to say.
This would seem to suggest that we also have
nothing important to say, but such is not the
case.
Gnarly 1/21/02 8:35 PM Except in my case. For I am sure you will be
pleased by the random insanity you are so
accustomed to. Only this time, we'll be
taking it so far back, it will trangress the
Comintern, Suburban Terrorism Online, and
yes even the New Testament (but not the Other
Testament, even we are not that old skool,
yo).
BMC 1/21/02 8:38 PM Well don't even trip, 'cause Deuteronomy will
be touched on a few times. And we may also
lick a few shots at Noah and Abram. With an
Old school adventure like this, one never
know.
Gnarly 1/21/02 8:42 PM If you've played the Atari smash hit
"Adventure", then you will have a good idea
of how great this issue will be. I hate to
admit it, but I was so anxious to see how
well this issue was going to do, so I decided
to commune with some death spirits. They
responded "-=*H O T*=-" and I knew then and
there, 1 to tha 8 to tha 7 would change
everyone's life for awhile.
BMC 1/21/02 8:44 PM I for one, will be changed forever. It's not
every day that an issue of the N-Com sets you
back several years, wiping out everything
that you have learned and accomplished
recently. I mean, let's be serious. May
we? It's like the one to the eight to the
seven on an undercover cop.
Gnarly 1/21/02 8:45 PM So blaze a J and get ready for tha
muthafuckin real.
BMC 1/21/02 8:47 PM Word.
- - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - -
TOP 10 REJECTED N-COM TAGLINES
- - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - -
1) "We were the new international" -Cog
2) "Avant garde writing for savants" -Heckat
3) "Interactive writing for sexually active teens" -BMC
4) "Hot shit off the dome for the mentally infirm" -Rickey Petersen
5) "Leaky cow udder writing for milk-starved sycophants" -Melatonin
6) "Hi-fi writing for high people" -Gnarly Wayne
7) "Wisecracks for wise people on crack" -BMC
8) "Intelligent writings for people fucked up on heroin" -Cog
9) "An enema for the mind" -Rickey Petersen
10) "Elitist writings for the 'l33t" -Cog
- - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - -
TOP 10 NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM VIDEO GAMES
- - - - -- -------={by Gnarly Wayne and BMC}=------- -- - - - -
Wario's Woods
-------------
When Wario's Woods came out, I didn't know what to think. Yeah, nice
game, but do I have to play as Toad? I thought I'd get to be Wario. I
thought I'd give it a whirl and just try not to look at Toad and I'm glad
I did. Because it's fun.
Pro Wrestling
-------------
Great Puma is impossible to beat. I mean, he busts his moves off so fast
and he can do every other character's moves. That sucks.
It was once rumored that if you select King Korn Karn right off the bat,
you get an honourary win because you picked the shittiest fighter in the
game. Fighter Hayabusha isn't all that great either, but connecting with
a back brain kick to the opponent's head is just about one of the most
honourable moments in Nintendo video game history. You become a video
game hero if you do this. And you become my honourary friend.
Super Mario 3
-------------
Turning big is alright, and throwing fire is OKAY for awhile, but you
can't beat turning into a filthy raccoon THAT CAN FLY. My favorite world
was Giant World. When I saw it, I thought I was just way higher than I
thought I was. Then I realized that I was in GIANT WORLD! When you smash
one brick in Giant Land is busts into 4 smaller ones and you KNOW that
always impresses the ladies.
Baseball Stars
--------------
Baseball Stars encourages you to "Be a Star!" That in itself should be
enough to ensure that a game be a masterpiece, but Baseball stars goes yet
further. Simply create a team and you find yourself and your friends
playing Babe Ruth and the other baseball legends. Other teams have
lineups including Hollywood's most Ghastly Monsters, the World Heroes who
fight for the onset of human achievement, and the legendary SNK Blacksox,
who have home-field advantage in SNK Stadium. SNK Stadium - that is, of
course, the most prestigious stadium in the make-believe,
computer-fabricated world. So I urge you, world, take a swing - be a
star! Buy SNK's Baseball Stars today, you fucking jerk!
Double Dragon 2
---------------
This was like Double Dragon 1, but added some jawesome moves. My favorite
was the Super Knee you could sometimes do when you got up from a croach.
It would send mofos to the other side of the screen and sometimes they'd
bounce around a bit, like most human bodies do. You also got to fight
yourselves at one point, but your shadow selves also had energy bolts and
teleportation, giving them the slight edge. Then you'd fight some
illusionist guy who liked to fight in weird places. Here are some tips:
The kicks and punches may be used together to help defeat the Bads! Never
give up and you can win! Don't use drugs and stay in school! This is a
fun game!
Bubble Bobble
-------------
The Bubble Bobble theme song (sung to the tune of the Bubble Bobble game
music):
-verse-
I pop the bubbles, I pop the bubbles, I pop the bubbles, I pop the bubbles
I pop the bubbles, I pop the bubbles, I pop the bubbles, I pop the
bubbles, I pop the bubbles,
I pop the bubbles, I pop the bubbles, I pop the bubbles, I pop the bubbles
I pop the bubbles, I pop the bubbles, I pop the bubbles, I pop the
bubbles, I pop the bubbles,
-chorus-
I pop the bubbles - I pop the bubbles
I pop the bubbles - I pop the bubbles
I pop the bubbles - I pop the bubbles
I pop the bubbles - I pop the bubbles
I pop the bub
bles, I pop the bubbles
I pop the riggitty biggitty bubbles
-repeat verse and chorus for approximately forty minutes, average duration
of game-
_`nuff said_
Super Dodgeball
---------------
Like regular dodgeball, but the players are installed with magic powers to
charge up the ball for cool effects. My favorite was the hangtime one
that would float softly through the air, gentle as a newborn cub, and then
-=*BIDDA BIDDA BAMM!*=-, right through yo muthafucking skull, in BROAD
DAYLIGHT. The end team were, of course, communists who had practiced all
their life just to beat YOU! And you will always lose against them, you
capitalist pig.
Lifeforce
---------
up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-b-a-b-a-start
That code was so intense for me to learn as a kid that it is now
permanently etched upon my inner eye. It always resides in my working
memory, and I believe I will always retain the information, even if I lose
vital statistics such as what my name is and who these strange people
are.
When you are playing level 4 and flying up through that skeleton's rib
cage, the shit is on. No doubt about it, it's time to pull your ass
together and put some head out. So just kick back, turn up that tv sound
dial and get as intense as one can get while playing a shitty flying game.
Excitebike
----------
Simple design but excellent execution. This game was just right fun, and
the build your own course was a nice touch. I usually just made courses
full of superjumps, but that's just me. In vs. mode, you race against two
dark blue coloured guys and a light blue guy. I always thought the light
blue guy was some kind of professional or something, but he sucks just as
much as the other guys. The best thing, which I thought should have
shaved 5 seconds off your time, was when you'd be racing along the top
track and then hitting a computer guy who had fallen off his bike before
he could get back on. You'd go flying head over heels, again and again
and again and again and GOD WHY WON'T YOU LET ME DIE!?! Then you'd get
back up on your bike only to have a dark blue guy come flying in from the
left and land right on your head.
Super Mario One
---------------
Ever gotten to the secret water world where you just swim and swim until
the time runs out? Ever met someone who claimed to have found an ending
to that lavel? Because I know someone who has. And I'll introduce you to
him if you have a couple of hours free. And he'll give you five bucks
worth of dope if you suck his dick.
Dragon Warrior IV
-----------------
A most epic tale unfolds over 5 chapters of fighting slimes, wandering
caves and castles, and romantic misunderstandings. Each chapter pulls you
deeper and deeper into the intricant plotline. And so many questions will
arise and then be answered. Why can Taloon sell the lunch his wife gave
him for his hard day at work? Is it really that bad? Or is there
something a little more "sinister" behind it? You will see what happens
to a brave little Healer name Healie who only wants to be human, even for
just a minute. The final Healie scene will bring tears to your eyes and
you won't stop weeping for 12 hours. Did the cat on top of Princess
Alena's castle ever get down? The only way to find out is to play.
Caution is advised in playing this game. Pretty soon you'll start
comparing loved ones to the characters in DW4 and we both know that they
will never be able to compare. This can destroy entire families within a
matter of seconds. "Damn, why can't my man bring in tha ducats like that
kingdom player, Taloon?" and "Healie heals and nurtures my soul while
you drive black daggers through the fabric of my very spirit" are the most
common expressions to be said after someone pops the Dragon Warrior 4
cartridge in the Pretendo. While that may seem a tad harsh, the positive
benefits far exceed the drawbacks. While playing, it is not unusual to
enjoying yourself and have a good time.
Play it, and the world breathe in relief.
Now that you have read Gnarly Wayne's comments about DW4, you must feel
very enlightened about such things as what Alena did after she helped the
hero rescue the world from Necrosaro. Well he may have been able to give
you inside information on the gambling tables, or a hint about how to get
the balloon, but I'm betting that he left it pretty open, as he doesn't
have anything ta say about the real hero of DW4.
And that's Healie.
What do you think, Wizzo, once and for all - does Healie have arms,
feelers, or both? And I'm challenging you to back your statement up in
any way you can. But it has been proven, irrefutably, that Healie does,
in fact, have arms. It was once jokingly said that the reason one
couldn't buy Healie a better weapon was because he didn't have arms. But,
of course, he did have them. It is factual that he had legs, for he had
the body of a jellyfish, which would not realistically be efficient for
land travel. In the first chapter, Healie tells Ragnar that he wants to
become human, and in chapter four Mara and Nara encounter him, and they
witness that he has in fact, become human; if Healie does, have the
ability to become human within his lifetime, it is only natural that he
would have already developed some of his human characteristics by the
beginning of chapter one.
And this invites a bigger question: isn't there a problem with our ideas
about what properties Healie can have? We are acting as though that the
character in chapter one is the real Healie and that in chapter four it is
no longer the same Healie. The truth is that both are Healie - and since
Healie is both human and jellyfish within his lifetime, it is absolutely
true that he has both hands and feelers in this all-inclusive timeline.
So that's about all I have to say about DW4. It's the best game ever.
Especially when Healie goes "Bo Bo Bo!" and Taloon gets swivvy on the
wheels of steel, and when we write dozens of articles and rap songs about
Cristo and Brey.
- - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - -
TOP 10 AMERICAN POETS
- - - - -- -------===={by Ahmed Balfouni}====------- -- - - - -
(by a numerical system of my own devising)
1. Marianne Moore
For the most deliriously dreaming of it, with her eyes wide open, which
it is a point to desist, vicariously, from at all means, to, by, or
without fear or focus, focusing on the eyes as a singular point of
mayhem, ladies and gentlemen.
2. Ezra Pound
The same, only more so or less, as the case may be.
3. Wallace Stevens
I couldn't have imagined, nor could you have less imagined, anything so
worthy of America, had you not been there and done things, oh so many
things, there.
4. Emily Dickinson
A cat, in the winter snow, with snow crystals on its whiskers...it is
a radio, perhaps.
5. Edgar Allan Poe
Disillusion me not, disabuse me never. Did he not, Lake Woebegone,
drink himself down Broadway on the day "The Raven" was published, or
not again?
6. Carl Sandburg
If a silo was on a farm and the chickens roosted until 5 A.M. daily,
whose hand clutched the eggs they laid?
7. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Still more so.
8. Robert Frost
I do not think, I know, and so I regard thinking speculations as
naught, or very sincerely "give me the truth of that," as Robt.
Browning said in a poem once.
9. T.S. Eliot
Cambridge and Oxford are a system of gaggles, for which he substituted
a sister in giggles.
10. Walt Whitman
The greatest in some ways, as the last shall be first.
- - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - -
TOP 10 CANADIAN POETS
- - - - -- -------========={by ada}==========------- -- - - - -
This morning I woke up at 9:45. Anxious to get started, I made myself a
cup of mandarin spice tea, tied my hair back in the appropriate bun, and
sat down at my laptop. Here is where I will tell you of the best Canadian
poets of our time. The top ten if you will. Many of you may think that
picking ten poets from such an abundance of Canadian writers is an
impossible job. Believe me, I was there. Just when I had decided to
change my topic to the top ten reasons why poets are bi polar, I realized
that a top ten list is only the beginning. And that someday, these ten
writers will die, some from asphyxiation of the lungs, others from
internal combustion, and the rest from leprosy, as they try to write their
life story. I realized that with this realization, there will always be
more top ten lists, and that sooner or later, every great Canadian poet
will be on it, even if it is only by default due to severe illness or
death by fellow writers on the list. And so with that concept firm in
hand, I chose my ten poets, not because they are the greatest, and
certainly not because they have books and awards and status within the
writing community, but because I was asked to write this article,
therefore, it is my top ten list, and I can choose whoever the hell I
want... well, so long as they're Canadian.
#10-John Livingstone Clark-This is a poet I was fortunate enough to take
a creative writing class from. Of course, he did call me a bad seed
behind my back, but the point of this list is not retaliation or
revenge, but a critical analysis of each person's poetry, and what it
is that makes them worthy to be on the list. In John's case, it is
his ability to write prose poetry. I love this style of writing and
he has a really good flow to his work. He also has a deep admiration
for the works of Anne Szumigalski, who wrote incredible prose poetry.
#9-Anne Szumigalski-Another poet who wrote prose extremely well. Although
she passed away a couple of years ago, I kept her in my top ten, simply
because I have only known of her for a short time, and her poetry is
still vibrant in my mind. My favourite piece she wrote is entitled
"The Disk", which I interpret as a woman trying to find her own
identity among gender roles and stereotypes, a woman who is trying to
decipher between the parts of her she shows to the world, and the
parts she keeps hidden away. It's all very inspirational stuff.
#8-Susan Musgrave-I had the privilege of seeing Susan Musgrave at the
festival of words a few years ago. She's quite funny in person and I
think most of you would have enjoyed her talk. Her poetry is very
tight, strong, and image oriented, although she manages not to lose the
poem in the imagery. She is also very wise and this comes across in
her writing.
#7-Lorna Crozier-She was my favorite poet all through high school so I
feel compelled to have her on my list. Since she inspired me to
continue writing, even through the months of suicide poetry, and the
time I did mushrooms with my friends and sat in the living room for
five hours with cowgirl from the hackers soundtrack left on repeat.
Lorna's poetry can be very simple, which is one of the reasons why it
inspired me, because I myself am a simple person. Much of her poetry
combines nature, with the human body and sexuality. Some personal
favorites of mine are from the 'sex lives of vegetables'. Of course,
you can't really go wrong with poems about carrots fucking the earth,
potatoes having incestuous relationships, and clitoral peas that keep
their knees together.
#6-Margaret Atwood-Definitely a must have on the list, her poetry is like
a sharp stick plunged into your gut. Her work is evasive,
controversial, and holds no boundaries. Some of my personal favorites
I would recommend reading are, 'Notes Towards a Poem That Can Never Be
Written', and 'A Women's Issue'. These are good examples of how her
poetry stems from both a political and a feminist viewpoint.
#5-Brecken Hancock-I first heard of Brecken when we participated in a
poetry class together. In the time between then and now, she has been
a great inspiration to me. She inspired me to get a tongue ring. She
inspired me to make more popcorn. She inspired me to read Kurt
Vonnegut. She inspired me to like cats. And she inspired me to write
poetry in a series with a theme, not that I've actually started doing
this, but I do have an idea kicking around that I could share with
you. If you are interested, let me know.
#4, #3, #2-Jack Kerouac/Allan Ginsberg/Saul Williams-These three poets are
all spoken word poets (or were, in the case of Ginsberg and
Kerouac) who taught me a lot about the oral tradition of
poetry, how it needs to be spoken, as well as read to capture
it's full essence. Unfortunately, these three poets are
American, and since I am compiling a list of the top ten
Canadian poets, I find the need to search for spoken word poets
that I know of. The only problem is that I don't know any
famous Canadian spoken word poets, and although I could ask my
friend, I realize this would be cheating. So I have thought of
a few poets who read really really well. The first is my dear
friend Joel Katelnikoff, who not only has a very witty stage
presence, but recently dedicated a piece to me, which I was
very flattered by. Thanks again Joel. The next poet whom I
was thinking of is Melanie Siebert. She is both charismatic
and sensuous on stage, a combination that puts the audience
completely in her hands. The third poet is Jared Peace. Not
only is he a good reader, he makes sure his work is ready to be
presented. Jared is an extremely skilled editor, and is the
type of writer who has reasons behind every word, space,
punctuation, or lack of.
#1-Well, and here's the thing folks... I don't have a #1 poet. I suppose
that means you're wondering why I would call this a top ten list after
all, when really, it's only a top 9. Well, I do have my reasons. In
top ten order, they are; #10-My brain is getting fried from trying to
think of reasons why these poets deserve to be in a top ten list. Why
do I have to have all the answers? #9-It is possible to lose my mind
right now. #8-It's ridiculous to rank poets in a list. They should be
allowed to run free, like small animals. #7-I'm getting kinda hungry.
#6-the phone rang and it's for me. #5-the world holds so little space
for poets to develop and nurture their craft that there really isn't
any point in talking about any of this. #4-I'm pretty bored with
hearing myself speak... and I'm not even speaking. #3-I think I've
given you enough poets to get you started. #2-it's extremely hard to
pick one Canadian poet who rises above the rest. #1-it's two in the
morning and this article needs to be done.
- - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - -
TOP 10 OLD-TESTAMENT BIBLE PASSAGES
- - - - -- -------========{by linear}========------- -- - - - -
If you've ever read the Bible, or probably even glanced at it, you're well
aware that there's some pretty WaCkY stuff in there. It's bigoted and
hateful, sexist and prejudice, and at times flat-out illogical and
non-sensical. That's why I, linear - your friend in spirituality - has
compiled this TOP TEN of some of my favorite BIBLE PASSAGES! But in order
to keep it in the heart of this issues OLD SCHOOL theme, I'm only using
passages from the Old Testament, the oldest in old school. Please keep in
mind, however, that there is just as much craziness going on in the New
Testament. I would advise everyone to ACTUALLY read the Bible, just so
you have a better understanding of the absurdities that are the Christian
beliefs. I know it sounds weird, but it actually does reaffirm your faith
in no-faith (at least as far as Christian-faith is concerned) to read how
messed up their doctrine is. Plus, you can take all that trash they call
morality and throw it right back in their face if you ever get into a
heated discussion!
I would also like to note that unlike usual top ten lists that order their
contents by their importance, this list is in NO PARTICULAR ORDER, it's
just ten of the "better" passages of ye olde that I could remember, all
thrown together. You can put them in order yourself if it's that
important to you. All passages taken from the New King James version.
Oomf!
HERE WE GO! OH BOY ARE YOU EXCITED?!?!?!
------------
Number One
------------
Exodus 21:
33 And if a man shall open a pit, or if a man shall dig a pit, and not
cover it, and an ox or an ass fall therein;
34 The owner of the pit shall make it good, and give money unto the owner
of them; and the dead beast shall be his.
* * *
These verses are great because, obviously, God planned ahead and made sure
all that was in the Bible would be relevant to all generations to come.
Everything in the book of our Lord is totally important. Where would we
be, had not our good Lord not laid down the law when it came to men
building pits for their neighbors' animals? I remember one time when MY
neighbor dug a deep six-foot pit to catch my Golden Retriever. Now, what
would I have done about the situation, if I failed to have the Word of the
Lord on hand? That man would have gone off with MY beast!
------------
Number Two
------------
Job 21
24 His breasts are full of milk, and his bones are moistened with marrow.
* * *
Ehehehe, he said "BREASTS!" Oh, wait -- he said "his breasts." He's
talking about man-boobies. Suddenly that's not so sexy anymore. Oh, wait
a minute... He's talking about man-boobies being full of milk. Well, now
that's definitely not sexy (nor very logical.... but who am I to judge the
Word of the Lord, right?).
--------------
Number Three
--------------
Leviticus 15
19 And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she
shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be
unclean until the even.
* * *
Listen up, women, for these are the rules! If you start menstruating,
you're unclean and full of sin! Not only are you unclean, but you need to
be cast away from society for seven days. And anyone who touches you is
ALSO unclean! If you go on to read more verses in this chapter of
Leviticus, you'll find it's more of the same -- laws about what to do with
bleeding women, and the people/things that touch them.
-------------
Number Four
-------------
Leviticus 15
16 And if any man's seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall
wash all his flesh in water, and be unclean until the even.
17 And every garment, and every skin, whereon is the seed of copulation,
shall be washed with water, and be unclean until the even.
* * *
So apparently, if you get your ejaculate all over everything, you have to
wash it all in water and will remain unclean "until the even." But I
recall plenty of times when me and BMC would be hanging out, perhaps
getting a little drunk -- then one thing leads to another, and I have his
"seed of copulation" all over my face. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, BMC,
but I don't remember ever washing it off with water, or you ever telling
me I was unclean because of it. Oh, wait... Everyone should just ignore
this entire part of the text.
-------------
Number Five
-------------
Proverbs 12
21 There shall no evil happen to the just: but the wicked shall be filled
with mischief.
* * *
Apparently, bad things DO NOT happen to GOOD PEOPLE! So if your relatives
or anyone you know or hear about dies in some tragic way, or has some
other tragic thing(s) happen to them (gets maimed and what-not), don't
feel bad for them. They must be/have been a wicked, wicked person and
deserved it. No evil ever happens to the just, baby!
------------
Number Six
------------
2 Chronicles 19
7 Wherefore now let the fear of the LORD be upon you; take heed and do it:
for there is no iniquity with the LORD our God, nor respect of persons,
nor taking of gifts.
* * *
R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Find out what it means to me.... God doesn't repect anyone!
I mean, me and God don't see eye-to-eye on very many things, but I would
think that if *I* made a civilization and made them follow my freaky laws
and contradictory scripture, and SOME of them tried their hardest, I'd
have a LITTLE respect for them doomed lil' bastards.
--------------
Number Seven
--------------
Jeremiah 7
16 Therefore pray not thou for this people, neither lift up cry nor prayer
for them, neither make intercession to me: for I will not hear thee.
* * *
"Hate the sin, not the sinner," right? Well, actually no. You can pray
for a sinner all you want im hopes that they'll stop their "evil" ways,
but according to his own words, he just doesn't care. Apparently, there
are some types of people who aren't good enough even to be prayed for (and
God will not hear any prayers about them either, you see?). Thanks God,
that makes a WHOLE lot of sense.
--------------
Number Eight
--------------
Song of Solomon 7
7 This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters
of grapes.
* * *
The entirety of Song of Solomon can be summed up by the above passage.
Boobies are directly mentioned at least eight times, and sexually alluded
to (as well as navels and bellies and what not) a few more billion times.
There's also hints of oral (and perhaps anal) sex in there as well. And
the good Lord wanted this pronography in the same book that houses His
Word? For shame, Jehova!
-------------
Number Nine
-------------
Leviticus 18
22 Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.
* * *
I know, It's mo surprise, but I just wanted to make sure every one was
positive that GOD HATES FAGS and the next time the THANK GOD FOR AIDS
parade comes through your town, you'd better join in, or God might think
you're one of those abominations, FAG!
------------
Number Ten
------------
Exodus 2
11 And it came to pass in those days, when Moses was grown, that he went
out unto his brethren, and looked on their burdens: and he spied an
Egyptian smiting an Hebrew, one of his brethren.
12 And he looked this way and that way, and when he saw that there was
no man, he slew the Egyptian, and hid him in the sand.
* * *
Oh, and remember that whole thing about not killing? Apparently, we don't
have to worry about that, as long as we look this way and that way first
to make sure no one is around. Moses did it, and he's of God's chosen
people!
So I hope you enjoyed my journey through the Bible. Again I remind you
that's there's much more crap in there, some of it even a lot worse, you
just have to look.
God Bless You!
"I can do all things through linear, who strengthens me."
http://www.phonelosers.net/ir
- - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - -
TOP 10 SUPER VILLAINS
- - - - -- -------====={by Cog and BMC}======------- -- - - - -
Geronimo
In case you don't know, Geronimo is the large curious computer shown at
the end of each episode of Astro-Boy. He is always waiting for
Astro-Boy's report, and always wants Astro to keep it short. It's almost
as if Geronimo has his own agenda or something. But Astro has a secret:
he lies to Geronimo.
Astro-Boy is a super hero, obviously. If he lies to Geronimo, does that
not prove it? I rest this case.
Iago
I tell you, Iago is really bad. He is in Shakespeare's play called
Othello, and in this play he does some very mean things to people. Most
of these mean things are done to Othello and his friends. You know,
Desdemona and other people. Iago all ways pretends to be happy and merry
all of the time, but he is secretly being mischievous and trying to make
people not like Othello. He even tries to make Othello not like himself
at times. For this, Iago earns the prestigious rank of the second-worst
super villain to ever exist. Only Geronimo the robot comes before him!
Jafar
Jafar tried to take over Agraba in Disney's Aladdin, but he didn't do a
very good job. That's why he's at number three on this list. You see,
Geronimo and Iago were successful. Jafar wished to become a genie, and
got everything that goes with it. That's about all I know, except for one
important detail:
Jafar returned!
MC Ren
AKA The Villain in Black, this pseudo-rap-star has threatened to do many
evil things like "Murder the Caucasian." When sprayed in the eyes with
mace, he said "That shit don't work, I just laugh!" As you can plainly
see, the villain is immune to various chemicals - one of his many powers.
He also has the ability to write rap songs that are devoid of any meaning
or intelligence. For this, the world fears him.
Phantom Joe Malone
From his first moment on the ice with the Canadiens, spectators noticed an
ability in this young hockey player to dart unseen from one area of the
rink to another. Because, you see, behind those shadow-hooded eyes stares
a soul inhabited by the devil himself. Also, a mind which has been called
the greatest criminal mind alive today (circa 1924). Together with his
trained bulldog, he would attempt capers like stealing Lord Stanley's
Cup. He did this mostly by playing a lot of hockey. And I don't believe
he ever succeeded, either.
Noob Saibot
Nobody has ever challenged Noob Saibot and survived. You must win 50
successive matches, and that can be quite a difficult feat. You will
start to become weary, and then BANG! You're up against Noob Saibot, the
most dangerous silhouette ever to grace the screen. Ten seconds later,
you're down on your ass, begging for mercy. But will Noob Saibot grant
you mercy? NO.
Reggie Mantle
Reggie can lay waste to Archie both in a battle of wits, and in a
back-alley bottle fight. Some of Reggie's advantages over that sap Archie
Andrews are: his looks, his car, his sexual prowess, his economic
background, and the simple fact that he is self-confident enough to have
posters of himself hanging in his room emblazoned only with the word "Me".
He often tries to kidnap Midge from the town bully, Moose; however, Dilton
Doiley assists dim-witted Moose in foiling those shallow plots.
Otis the Chameleon Man
Everything usually runs smooth on Mount Olympus, but from time to time
Hercules' day plans are bunged up by this CRAZY super villain. You see,
Otis the Chameleon man can assume any form - ANY FORM WHATSOEVER. He
could be Newton, he could be Helena, or he could even be the mighty
Hercules himself! He can ensnare Hercules and friends into the most
cunning of traps, and this is because they never know how to spot Otis the
Chameleon Man - or when to expect him!
Uncle Ned
Scourge of the Keaton household, Uncle Ned is the vanilla-drinking,
Alex-P.-Keaton-hitting bad boy in Ohio. He didn't do many things other
than those two which were already mentioned, but he DID owe some guy
money. Also, I saw a bootleg version of this episode where he molested
Jennifer and Skippy watched.
Poverty
In some ways the greatest villain of them all, but in other ways it only
ranks at number ten. The true villains behind pov are the greedy
corporate owners and the government agencies that enable these people to
trod upon the working class. Secondly, the poor are also to blame,
because, hey - if they weren't poor then there would be no poverty.
- - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - -
TOP 10 RANDOM THINGS
- - - - -- -------======{by Melatonin}=======------- -- - - - -
The very nature of top ten lists instills in people a belief that all
the things of the world can (and should) be categorized and ranked, and
thus only succeeds in turning that which was once mysterious,
beautiful, and individual, into a nonsense world of competition and
statistic. In retaliation I now proudly present the N-Com's first ever
Random Top Ten.
(drumroll)
Number 10 - Descending Order
If we absolutely must compile top ten lists, then I think it only fair
that they be presented in descending order of quality. This is clearly
the most natural, least pretentious system of rank, and so I therefore
give Descending Order the number ten slot on my Random Top Ten List and
ascend upwards to slot number nine.
Number 9 - SANJURO
This is a 1962 Akira Kurosawa film in which Toshiro Mifune plays a
samurai so badass that he spends most of the film yawning, sleeping,
and scratching his grizzled chin. He also keeps his arms tucked under
his robe throughout most every scene, as if to say, "Yes, I could be on
my guard right now -- what with all these vicious enemies on my tail
and all -- but you know what? I'm chilly. And tired. Hmm -- maybe I
should take another nap." Kurosawa's combination of shocking,
momentary violence and the gentle, consistent beauty of nature is also
quite wonderful.
Number 8 - BMC's No-Phone Policy (Part 1)
This is a story I heard. The BMC was eating dinner in a restaurant
when a nearby patron jumped to his feet, his stomach clutched in pain.
Everyone turned to watch. Then the man fell to the floor and began to
writhe in pain whilst yelling, "Help! Help! I've been food poisoned!
The food I've been eating in this restaurant has given me food
poisoning!" At this, everyone in the restaurant began to panic. There
were many yells and broken plates. Then someone turned to the BMC and
said, "Quick, call 9-1-1." The BMC took off running, but then he
realized that calling 9-1-1 would involve using a phone, so he quickly
made a detour and ran to the roof of the building and proceeded to
alert the hospital next door through an elaborate system of smoke
signals and conch bursts. A few hours later, after no response from
anyone, he returned to the restaurant to see if the man was OK. But
when he got there the man was gone and the restaurant had returned to
normal. The BMC stopped a passing waiter and asked him about the
poisoned man. "Oh, him?" the waiter answered. "Oh no, he wasn't
poisoned. He was just some con man looking to scare up a lawsuit
against the restaurant. But when no ambulance came he eventually got
tired of writhing around in pain and stood up and left. Clever, huh?"
"Yes," the BMC responded, scratching his chin in deep thought. "Very
clever indeed."
Number 7 - Illiterate Poetry
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I don't know how to read,
Fuck I hope this rhymes.
Number 6 - Ways to Make Boxing a Real Sport
1) Take the gloves away from the boxers and change the canvas to a bed
and make it pillow fighting instead. Refs can dress up as my parents.
2) Include some sort of interpretive dance bonus round.
3) Change the channel to a baseball game.
Number 5 - Brown
Brown is my favourite color, but it seems like everyone else hates it.
I think this is because people associate it with dirt and shit, but
let's look at that for a second. Without dirt you have no Earth, in
which case we're all floating through space with very, very bored looks
on our faces. And without dirt there's no way for a flower to grow,
and without flowers there's nothing for bees to pollinate, in which
case they grow sullen and unmotivated, and without motivated bees
there's no honey, and without honey my sister can't eat peanut butter
and honey sandwiches when she was seven years old.
I can't think of anything good to say about shit.
Number 4 - Political Conundrums
George W. Bush has said that you are either with America or against
America in the new War On Terrorism -- i.e., you're either
goose-stepping in line behind him like a good old boy, or you're
rooting for the terrorists and are immediately suspect. He has also
given himself the legal and moral authority to hold secret military
tribunals in which defendants can be executed without representation,
evidence, or an impartial jury -- phenomena previously known as "a fair
trial." But what I wonder is, if the Pope is against the war, which he
is, does that mean that the Pope is in cahoots with the terrorists, or
that Bush has the authority to arrest and execute the Pope the next
time he enters the U.S.? If so, I would like to write this open letter
to the Pope:
Dear Pope,
If you decide to take a trip to America any time soon, whatever you
do, DO NOT GET OUT OF THE POPE-MOBILE.
P.S. The birth control thing -- maybe try to lighten up on that.
Number 3 - BMC's No-Phone Policy (Part 2)
I tried to call the BMC the other day but then I remembered that I
don't know his number. But I don't give up that easily so I began to
dial seven-digit numbers at random in the hopes of getting through to
him. This didn't work, but I did meet a fascinating woman named Tammy
Googlebinker. She's a 95-year-old cat lady living in a dilapidated
white house on the other side of town and she actually served as a
nurse during WW2. I was going to ask her if that movie PEARL HARBOR
was accurate, but then I remembered that I haven't seen it and don't
really care anyway. Then I hung up. Anyway, I just wanted to give a
quick shout-out to my new best friend Tammy. Hey Tam, you're good
people.
Number 2 - I am a word search ninja.
Title says it all. Do not challenge me to a word search. I mean it.
I will mess you up. My pencil is like a pair of nunchucks.
Number 1 - Love
Because it makes the world go round, unless you count physics.
- - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - -
TOP 10 FAVOURITE N-COM ARTICLES
- - - - -- -------========{by Bu Joe}========------- -- - - - -
Number Ten
A Typical Day In Hell
By Gnarly Wayne
I had always wondered what my daily tasks would be in the firey death pit
called hell. So I read this and found out! After reading this I
immediately went to a church and confessed all my sins because hell just
doesn't sound like a nice place.
Number Nine
Capitalism Works!: An Entrepreneurial Success Story
By BMC
If everybody tried this they would all see how stupid capitalism is and if
they didn't they'd probably keep their stand open and give away free
crystal.
Number Eight
The Semicolon
By BMC
This is a really funny article about the semicolon and his friend BMC. It
also tells how they like to make love and frolic in the forest, naked,
every Tuesday at 5 PM. I'm serious, I have the video!
Number Seven
Crossing The Alps
By Heckat
I can't really say much about this story except READ IT, READ IT and READ
IT! This is probably my favorite story by Heckat, its simply great. Good
story, well written, you could say I love it.
Number Six
Metal Streets
By BMC (with Margarina Cataclysma)
Hate school? Ski to school? Have metal streets? If you answered yes to
all these questions then you have a lot in common with Benjamin Horatio
Algier. Read this story and you'll know how to sign up for a race that
you could win, and the prize is no more school! Ever!
Number Five
Hampster Dance Rebuttle
By Komrade B
I never really did like the Hampster Dance website but I didn't like the
fact that it was made fun of for its disadvantages either. Thanks for
sticking up for it Komrade!
Number Four
Things That I Am Afraid Of: Showers
By BMC
"My first shower fear is that someone will leave the plunger (forgive my
ignorance - by "plunger" I am referring to the device on the tap that
regulates whether the water flows through the tap or through the shower
head) in the "up" position. This means that when I turn on the tap to
test the water I will instead find an ice-cold spray violating my naked
and vulnerable body." Nuff said?
Number Three
The Reuban O'Neill Process
By Reuban O'Neill
BMC mailed me a booklet of this article and some bastard stole it from my
backpack. If you're that bastard I have you a two words for you! You're
mean! I would like the booklet back too! And please don't be mean!
Number Two
How To Win Friends and Influence People II
By Heckat
Having trouble meeting new people? Then read this!
I absolutely love this article. It's hilarious and informative, and after
reading It I have two more friends!
Number One
Of the Robot who Thought He was Human
By BMC
This is a really cool story, it's like a story in a story it's really neat
how its done, but what's even better is you get attached to both stories.
Writing two good stories - that's one thing, but writing two good stories
in one story that's a feat that no one can accomplish, not even BMC!
- - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - -
TOP 10 OLD SCHOOL PERSONALITIES FOR POSEURS
- - - - -- -------======{by Jet Jaguar}======------- -- - - - -
One of the delights of age is moving away from the insecurities and
indecision of youth. We are smug in our old age. No more dress-up, we
have found our place in the world. Ain't it grand to be older than 25?
You're not older than 25? You are but haven't found your place in the
world yet? No problema, chicas y chicos! You may not have a personality
of your own, but you sure can sure fool lots of people by attaching one of
the handy 20th century sub-culture labels below.
10. Beatnik
The Beat Generation and the San Francisco Renaissance consisted of
brilliant and well-read personalities such as Allen Ginsberg,
Lawrence Ferlinghetti, and Gregory Corso. Lucky for you, being a
beatnik poseur doesn't require half as much intellect. You get lots
of cool points for being one of the few beatniks to have read a Jack
Kerouac novel whose title doesn't start with "on" and ends in "the
road".
Armed with your 89-cent notebook and your $20 beret, you'll be a hit
at poetry open mics with your unintelligible style devoid of any
study of lyrical form and technique. When you finally get bored, you
can simply use your voluminous collection of black clothing to fit in
with all your fellow unintelligible people at the nearest Goth
hangout.
09. Hippie
There was once a mythical time and place known as the 60s. Strange
creatures talked of art, freedom, love, and peace. In about 10
years, these monsters forgot all those concepts, invented the leisure
suit, and fucked and snorted new and exciting diseases into the
world. 15 years after that, they wore pinstriped suits and marketed
the enchanted 60s to a new generation of impressionable youth. All
the while they bitterly complained about the loss of morality and the
greed of capitalism.
Like most of the original hippies, daddy better have set you up a
trust fund. This will pay for all the time you need to smoke weed
and drop acid. It will also pay for all those things you need to
proclaim your hippie-dom. Zippo lighters with psychedelic mushrooms
on them, beaded curtains with peace symbols, and wallets with
embossed marijuana leaves are your inheritance from the great 60s.
There's even hemp soap out there for the modern long-haired
tree-hugger. Their use will, of course, mark you as a neo-hippie;
real hippies didn't use soap.
08. Skinhead
Never mind that the skinhead subculture has a large, varied history
and philosophy. Since no one out of this scene seems to know the
difference between a two-tone or a Hammerskin, why should you? All
you should care about is just how fuckin' butch you're going to look
wearing braces, bombers, and boots! Perhaps a few words of advice to
get you on your way would be best. Say 'Oi!, Oi!, Oi!' a lot. Do
not, even under the effect of six pints of Guinness, ever call 'No
Doubt' a ska band.
Finally, buy a bomber made in America. When you realize that the
fellow skins you're hanging out with are all "boneheads" wearing red
laces (What's that mean? Wouldn't you like to know?), you're going
to be happy that your bomber's manufacturer tag doesn't say "Made in
Korea". This will save you from having to learn another technical
skinhead term: "boot party".
07. Trekkie
There are some depraved lunatics out there that will see a man
dressed in pointy ears and velour shirts, and boldly say "me too!"
Filled with scientific-sounding babble and outright destruction of
the laws of physics, the Star Trek universe will suck money out of
your pocket faster than a black hole will light. This usually
happens through useful items like Klingon dictionaries, toy guns, and
conventions.
Number one: Know your captains. How else will you be able to argue
for hours on the difference between Captain Picard's and Captain
Sisko's style of bald head. Number two: practice the Vulcan
handsign. There's is no experience more embarrassing than being
heckled by a group of nerds in Starfleet uniforms. Number three:
learn to deal with rejection. You're not finding any available women
to impress with the size of your warbird. Study hard, young space
cadet. Someday you'll say nuqDaq 'oH puchpa"e' at a Star Trek
convention and actually get an answer.
06. New Ager
Pop quiz: Night is caused by A) the rotation of the earth or B) the
queen of the mystic sky curtain awaken due to the chirping of the
moonbirds of Atlantis. She then reaches across to the void and pulls
the sky curtain, shimmering with stars, and covers the earth with
it. This silences the moonbirds who believed the earth to be their
evil reflection. You refuse to play this game? Your mind might just
be too scientific to be a new ager. Better try hippie instead.
Some new agers like to call themselves by other names: pagans,
neo-pagans, witches, alchemists, magickians, occult scientists. The
one tie-that-binds is the magickial ability to refute science with
stories, myths, and half-truths. Of course chakras, fairies, and
gods exist; they're just invisible. It's amazing how much
spirituality $1,200 Buddhist workshops and $100 aura cleansings can
buy you. After spending a few years buying spirituality, avenge
yourself by selling it back to newer, less enlightened poseurs.
Ahhhh, the circle is complete.
05. Thug
Remember the fun, political, spiritual rap music of the 80s and 90s?
Kool Moe Dee? Public Enemy? Queen Latifa? A Tribe Called Quest?
De La Soul? Digable Planets? P.M. Dawn? MC Lyte? Heavy D? Brand
Nubians? Digital Underground? Yeah, me neither. Rap isn't rap
without 40s, blunts, straps, and hos. You can't market self-respect
and self-determination! Listening to gangsta rap will make you every
parents nightmare. I'm sure that appeals to the very young of you
("Damn, Eminem said 'fuck'! He's so hardcore!").
Get ready to shell out the "Gs" for your transformation into the
hip-hop thug of your suburb. Being a thug seems to equal being a
inner-city hippie. Expensive clothing is "in" this week, "out" the
next, but your mom can afford it, right? How else are you going to
look like you're from a poverty-stricken project without a $200
shirt? Remember to listen to Tupac, proclaim him to be the messiah
of the ghetto, then take his words out of context like the Christians
did to Jesus.
04. Punker
Goth not political enough, but going skinhead doesn't have the
darling fashion sense you want? Consider the wonderfully cheery
world of punk. Learn to get that nuclear fallout look in just hours
a day. Then have that look stomped, pushed, kicked, and trampled
within the confines of your friendly local punk venue. I can't think
of another place where kind and gentle people slam into each other
with more force than atomic particles.
Old punks like to stand around the mosh pit and listen to the music.
Young punks like to bash about the pit, then come out full of
adrenaline and attitude. Old punks then like to throw these young
punks forcefully back into the pit (hint: Stop crying about that
busted lip. It's all in good fun). Feel free to wear lots of
anti-personnel devices such as chains, spikes, safety pins, and other
devices which give others ouchies. Hang around long enough and
you'll learn two things: 1) The Ramones wrote more than three songs
and 2) Yes, Green Day *is* corporate punk.
03. Raver
Ravers have more attributes and special abilities than the worst
constructed role-playing characters. One is that Ravers fucking own
Greyhound. The novice Greyhound traveler will notice all the Amish,
the experienced ones will notice all the high 20-somethings in
toned-down club gear. Ravers have a special place. Ever see a raver
at a club whose head is bouncing up and down as if stuck in the
music? Welcome to the K-hole: a place which can only be entered with
the right combination of horse tranquilizers, repetitive bass, and
Red Bull. Personally, the phantom zone from "Superman II" seems more
appealing.
Still, if you want it all and can afford it, being a raver is the
thing for you. Endless philosophizing by DJs ala new ager.
Revamping of the thug's house music beats. Fashion psychosis a
punker would be jealous of. Enough drugs to choke a hippie. The
last two reasons may result in fulfilling some lecherous fantasies
about Rainbow Brite. Since lots of rumors of weird drugs keep
surfacing from the rave scene, I suggest becoming a trend-setter by
experimentally swallowing household products. Drano can't be *that*
dangerous.
02. Goth
First, take a dateless wonder from the suburbs pale from not leaving
the house and put him or her in a fashionably questionable black
dress or suit. Add even more questionable make-up and you have
yourself GOTH -- The current champion of sub-cultures with a bad-ass
reputation. Anyone who has seen a Goth dance knows that this
reputation is undeserved.
In becoming goth, remember to whine. Whine loud; whine often.
Whine about the inhumanity of humankind. Whine about the pony you
never got. Whine about your hangnail; just do it as if it was the
most miserable and darkly insightful experience of your life.
Listen to over-used morbid jokes and use them in conversation:
i.e. "Halloween is my Christmas" and "We won't bite...hard" are
classics of gothic humor.
01. Cynics
I know what you're saying. Cynics have been around far longer than
the 20th century. But us cynics didn't have the technology to voice
our opinions so efficiently before the 20th century. I was missing
something back in my beatnik-hippie-skinhead-trekkie-new ager-thug-
punker-raver-goth days. The dissatisfaction was there, but not the
ability to communicate it to a mass audience. I turned into a cynic
and never looked back.
Being a cynic is great. I get to have overbearing opinions about
everyone else. Then I get to use sarcasm and condescending language
to express those arrogant opinions while hiding my own failures and
insecurities. These truly are the days of milk and honey! Youth may
have the fun of diversity, but old age has cynicism...a bitter, hard
shell of lonely cynicism. No matter, I hear you can become a pretty
good e-zine writer that way!
- - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - -
TOP 10 MOST PROLIFIC N-COM WRITERS
- - - - -- -------========={by BMC}==========------- -- - - - -
1) Me - 217 submissions
What can I say? I'm in love with this zine and I try to have something
in it every week. Sometimes I have more than one article in it.
Sorry.
2) Gnarly Wayne - 70 submissions
Gnarly Wayne was on the scene from the first day, and is best known for
his flippant ad-libbing, freestyled articles, and extremely helpful
guides to living. Some of his best articles were written while drunk.
Gnarly Wayne continues to write articles to this day, and the readers
and staff enjoy laughing along with him as well as at him.
3) Komrade B - 39 submissions
Komrade B was down since day -1, working as assistant editor of the
original Comintern series circa 1995, and he was co-founder of the
N-Com back on February 11th, 1998. Komrade B is best known for his
untimely death, which, ironically, is also his greatest achievement.
His life was precious and his death provided the N-Com staff with
enough material to fill several issues.
4) Cog - 36 submissions
Cog rounds out the list of the original four Neo-Comintern members. He
has written many articles complaining about his life and times, and
also several about pornography and his love of it. He can often be
found in a sullen state. When he is not writing he is working hard at
keeping the Neo-Comintern website crisp and current.
5) Junior Haagis - 18 submissions
From the mines of Minolta to the rings of Saturn, Junior Haagis takes
us on voyages that lead far beyond our planet and our sense of
rationalism. Never one to pass up a half-eaten chicken leg, this
intergalactic hero can put a smile on your face even while saving the
world from a fate worse than death. Many critics consider Tol Chilibek
to be the true author of his works.
5) Margarina Cataclysma - 18 submissions
Margarina is currently living in the city of France, but her legacy
lives on in the anals of the N-Com. Once considered to be a MoON
MONstAr from Io, Margarina has proven herself to be, in many ways, the
most human of all of us, taking time to offer desperately-needed advice
to friends and strangers alike. Sometimes she is afflicted with
delusions of being a pirate. Margarina was also the first
Neo-Comintern writer to publish poetry in the Neo-Comintern on a
regular basis.
7) Heckat - 17 submissions
I have had the pleasure of calling Heckat my "girl" for the past 17
submissions (my apologies, I keep track of time through submissions and
no other means). Like Margarina Cataclysma, Heckat contributes both
poetry and prose to the N-Com. She is my favourite writer of all
time - I mean, I don't date many writers, but even if I did... I think
now would be a good time to shut up.
8) Capitalism Monster - 10 submissions
The Capitalism Monster was very evil and did cruel things to me. I was
forced to write about Capitalism for 10 issues, and the evil Capitalism
Monster goaded me on by writing many Monster's Notes about how
capitalism was superior to socialism. Luckily, the Capitalism Monster
was finally defeated in a variety of ways and no longer continues to
live. The Weekly Capitalist is now a cruel memory.
9) STUYA - 5 submissions
STUYA was a staff writer back in the days when one only had to submit
one article to be a staff writer. Then STUYA travelled through time
and dissappeared forever. STUYA's articles are notorious for their
blend of philosophies and utter nonsense. Wherever STUYA is now, it is
certain that STUYA continues to enrich that era of time with some of
the most mystical, ingenious, and, yes, frightening articles ever writ.
9) Spite - 5 submissions
Well, well, well. Spite is the only person on this list who does not
have an official writer's page on the Neo-comintern site, so it looks
like it's time to make one! Having met the new requirements of
A) having 5 articles published in The Neo-Comintern, and B) promising
to write at least five more, Spite has accomplished everything that one
must do to join the super dope elite club. We will be glad to add this
writer, whose hitherto demonstrated strengths include writing lists and
ranting about the shittiness of life, to the N-Com lexia of fame.
Welcome, Spite!
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TOP 10 METHODS OF PROCRASTINATION USED IN THE PAST WEEK
- - - - -- -------========{by Spite}=========------- -- - - - -
Ok. I admit it. I have got to be the world's worst procrastinator. I
was really stoked when the BMC asked me to contribute a top ten list for
this week's issue of the N-Com. I was all prepared to sit down and spew
out a witty, and perhaps even a little spiteful, list of things. I even
had some pretty good ideas about what kinds of lists I could contrive.
But, once again, I pissed around all fucking week and now I have nothing.
Oh sure, I have a half-written list. But I woke up this morning and
realized it sucked. There is no way I would have sent that in. I suck,
for having wasted my entire week when I could have worked on the article
immediately and perhaps contributed something of worth to the zine. And
so, here it is folks. The top ten things I was doing when I really should
have been writing my article.
10. Working. - I really should have just taken the week off and worked
on the article instead. In fact, I should just quit my job altogether
and write for the N-Com full-time.
9. Not working. - I actually had time off because of an "anthrax
scare." The mall was shut down for two days because someone threw
laundry detergent on the floor.
8. Sitting around at the pub. - I spend way too much time there as it
is.
7. Watching "Black Hawk Down". - Well, I won't say that this was a total
waste of time. The movie wasn't really all that bad. There were about
two full hours of just fighting and blowing stuff up, and that's pretty
cool.
6. Reading. - I bought Hunter S. Thompson's "Hell's Angels" a couple
weeks ago, and I am still trying to get through it. It's a pretty good
book, but I liked "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" much better.
5. Writing. - I spent far too much time on that other, more tremendously
shitty article. I wish I had known sooner that I would hate it so
much. I was so blind!
4. Sitting around doing nothing. - It's an astounding ability of mine.
I can sit around and do absolutely nothing for hours. I really don't
know how I do it. You'd think I'd get bored, or realize there are
things to be done, but I never do.
3. Grocery shopping. - Man, I hate shopping. Grocery shopping isn't
really all that bad. At least everything I need is all in one store.
I still hate shopping in any form.
2. Sleeping. - Sleep is so very overrated. I could get a lot more done
in a day if I didn't have to take time out to sleep. I don't even
really sleep all that much. That's still 5 or 6 hours a night that I
could be doing something else.
1. Getting high. - Now normally, this is a good thing. I can do a lot
of writing while I have a good buzz on. But, all I wanted to do was
lay on the floor and think about how shitty my life is, thus
accomplishing absolutely nothing.
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The Neo-Comintern Magazine / Online Magazine is seeking submissions.
Unpublished stories and articles of an unusual, experimental, or
anti-capitalist nature are wanted. Contributors are encouraged to
submit works incorporating any or all of the following: Musings, Delvings
into Philosophy, Flights of Fancy, Freefall Selections, and Tales of
General Mirth. The more creative and astray from the norm, the better.
For examples of typical Neo-Comintern writing, see our website at
<http://www.neo-comintern.com>.
Submissions of 25-4000 words are wanted; the average article length is
approximately 200-1000 words. Send submissions via email attachment to
<bmc@neo-comintern.com>, or through ICQ to #29981964.
Contributors will receive copies of the most recent print issue of The
Neo-Comintern; works of any length and type will be considered for
publication in The Neo-Comintern Online Magazine and/or The Neo-Comintern
Magazine.
- - - - -- -------===========================------- -- - - - -
___________________________________________________
|THE COMINTERN IS AVAILIABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBS'S |
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|
| TWILIGHT ZONE (905) 432-7667 |
| BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 |
| CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 |
| THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 |
|___________________________________________________|
| Website at: http://www.neo-comintern.com |
| Questions? Comments? Submissions? |
| Email BMC at bmc@neo-comintern.com |
|___________________________________________________|
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c o p y r i g h t 2 0 0 2 b y #187-01/27/02
t h e n e o - c o m i n t e r n
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