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t h e n e o - c o m i n t e r n e l e c t r o n i c m a g z i n e
I n s t a l l m e n t N u m b e r 1 6 4
We Are the New International
July 29th, 2001
Editor: BMC
Writers:
CV.CRUD
Melatonin
Heckat
Cog
Gnarly Wayne
BMC
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;P Featured in this installment .b
$ $
$ Riddle - CV.CRUD $
$ Fun and Games for Kids Age 7-12 - Melatonin $
$ Elemental Conflict and the Resulting Strife - Heckat $
$ Riddle-Dee-Dum - Cog $
$ Funny Funny - Gnarly Wayne $
$ Another One - BMC $
`q p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
EDITOR'S NOTE
(please do not read the following)
The Neo-Comintern Angels baseball team has put together another
grand slam issue with a few steals and the occasional strikeout. There
are some pop flies and a balk or two. I think there is also a pinch
hitter. So come bat with us tonight as we hit for the cycle.
So this is an issue where we have determined to write about riddles,
for riddles. Enjoy it while you can, for it could be our last (just
kidding, it won't, but hopefully it will be our last riddles/baseball
one).
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;P RIDDLE .b
`q by CV.CRUD p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
What is jolly yet exciting,
and always seems inviting?
...alcohol.
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;P FUN AND GAMES FOR KIDS AGE 7-12 .b
`q by Melatonin p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
FUN AND GAMES FOR KIDS AGE 7-12
Hey kids age 7-12, can you find ten differences between Story A and
Story B? If so, send your answers to the BMC and he'll reward you
with a great prize. But remember, win or lose, the important thing
is always to HAVE FUN -- preferably by winning.
STORY A
The alarm clock struck seven and the radio went off, Franco Country
Western blaring from the tiny speakers. Albert opened his eyes and
smiled. The sun was out, the birds were singing, and yes, he was in
love. Without wasting another second, Albert swung his feet off the
bed and scurried down to the kitchen, where Babette, his fiance of
twelve hours, was scrambling eggs and frying bacon. Albert
approached her from behind and slid his arms around her waist,
kissing the nape of her neck. Babette tucked her head down and
purred like a Siamese kitten. It was oh-so-lovely and
oh-so-romantic.
"One day, the two of us will be husband and wife," Albert said, a
startling confidence shining in his eyes. "We will live together in
a little rustic cottage in the Parisian countryside and have nine
children -- five boys and four girls."
"Yeppers!" Babette added, as she was a bit of a moron.
Albert grabbed a piece of bacon and popped it in his mouth, then
looked out the window and listened as somewhere down the street, the
wail of a police siren cut through the warm summer air.
STORY B
The alarm clock struck seven and the radio went off, Franco Country
Western blaring from the tiny speakers. Charlie opened his eyes and
scowled. The sun was down, the birds had long since migrated south,
and yes, he was in love -- not with his wife Rita, as one might
assume, but rather Babette, the village idiot. "Oh, Babette, you
lovely, lovely creature," Charlie thought to himself. "How I long to
kiss the nape of your neck and hear you purr like a kitten of Siamese
descent." Without wasting another minute, Charlie swung his feet off
the bed, scurried downstairs, and ran outside to propose to Babette,
barefoot and still in his pajamas. Unfortunately, the streets were
quite frozen and Charlie's feet went numb within seconds. He quickly
dove onto the hood of a nearby parked car and, clutching his icy
toes, sat there for the remainder of the afternoon.
Eventually a police car pulled up and Slylock Fox and Max Mouse got
out. "Aha!" Slylock said, "It is clear to me that you, Mr. Charlie
Spartan, are responsible for the gruesome rape and murder of Mrs.
Juniper, the dress-maker down the road."
"I didn't do it!" Charlie protested, still clasping his feet.
"Do you doubt the Fox?" Slylock asked, raising an eyebrow.
Charlie tried to counter the inspector's determined gaze, but quickly
broke down and confessed. "All right, all right, I did it! I
stabbed the old hag to death! Take me away, coppers! I'm guilty!"
Slylock Fox threw on a pair of sunglasses and flashed a toothy grin.
"Oh yeah, the Fox rocks," he said, then stuck his finger in the air.
"To the Batcave, my little squirrely partner!"
Hello kids. Detective Dan asks, How did Slylock Fox know that
Charlie Spartan had brutally raped and murdered the town dress-maker,
and, more importantly, why didn't you? Dickweeds.
HOW TO DRAW A DICKWEED
Step 1: Draw a long, curved line roughly six inches long.
Step 2: Mirror the line to create a round, phallic shape.
Step 3: Ask your parents what "phallic" means.
Step 4: Switch over to a blunter drawing utensil, like say a piece of
charcoal, or your own severed toe.
Step 5: Turn the phallic shape into a dickweed using your piece of
charcoal or severed toe.
Step 6: Tack drawing onto refrigerator and wait for grandparents to
show up for brunch.
Step 7: Hide article and feign ignorance when interrogated about the
disgusting pollution of your innocent little mind.
RIDDLE OF THE WEEK
Little Suzie Johnson of Grand Forks, North Dakota (age 9) asks:
Q: What has four legs, grey skin, and a long, elephant-like trunk?
A: An elephant.
Thanks to Suzie Johnson for her entry. We'll be sending her a pair
of oven mits and a helmet for whenever she tips over.
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;P ELEMENTAL CONFLICT AND THE RESULTING STRIFE INFLICTED UPON THE WORLD .b
`q by Heckat p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
Let's say there are two powerful forces of nature operating in the world
as we know it. We will call one of these fictional elements Fog and the
other one Clouds. Let's also suppose that these two elements decide to
have a duel to see who is the MOST powerful element (remember that even
though one is the lonliest number, two can be as bad as one, and this is
the way it was for Clouds and Fog). Clouds wants to abolish Fog from the
face of the earth so it can look down upon all the happy people and
animoes without Fog getting in the way, and Fog wants to abolish Clouds
from the face of the sky so that it can stare up at the beautiful heavens
without interference. Now the question is, if Clouds uses lightning, rain
and hail as its weapons against Fog, and Fog uses things it collects off
of the ground such as stones and fossils, who will emerge triumphant?
Answer: Neither Fog nor Clouds will emerge triumphant over the other
because Clouds will find that lightning, rain and hail are ineffective
weapons against an insubstantial enemy, and Fog will discover that it is
insubstantial and so cannot use rocks and fossils as weapons because it
cannot pick them up. Even once they realize they cannot defeat one
another, they will continue to live in constant conflict and bitterness
for about 12,000 years. After all this time, Mist will finally decide to
become the peacemaker and confront Fog and Clouds about their fighting --
which happens to keep all the lesser elements, like steam and vapour, up
until all hours of the night. Mist will come upon the two enemies and
remind them that they are related. Clouds and Fog will then make up and
join forces in order to take over the world by making it impossible for
humans to see on land or in the sky.
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;P RIDDLE-DEE-DUM .b
`q by Cog p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
In preparation for this most riddle-iculous issue, I read up on the
history of the riddle as we know it today. I didn't really come up with
anything that was interesting to share here, but let's just say I know
what I'm doing when I pose a riddle now.
What follows is the culmination of an effort I had begun months
ago. These are the perfect riddles; the riddles which people at riddle-
fairs ev'rywhere dream of knowing. This represents nights awake smoking
too many cigarettes and drinking much too much Coke, until my stomach felt
like it was full of marbles.
Riddles, y'all:
Riddle: Why does the wind blows?
Answer: No one nose.
Riddle: When is a door not a door?
Answer: When it is ajar.
Riddle: When is a jar not a jar?
Answer: When it is closed.
Riddle: Why did the hyperactive child take up riddlin'?
Answer: He thought it was Ritalin.
Riddle: If I had four and gave you seven, and Bill gave me two - How many
would I have?
Answer: -1 apples.
And finally, the best riddle ever:
Riddle: From the hunter came forth meat, from the hunted came forth sweet.
Answer: A dead lion with bees in its head.
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;P FUNNY FUNNY .b
`q by Gnarly Wayne p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
Q. Why does BMC have a penis?
A. Most gay men do.
Q. Why is Gnarly Wayne so mean to BMC?
A. Most gay men are.
Q. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
A. What?
Q. How much wood could a woodchuck wood if a chuck would wood chuck?
A. Three.
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. He didn't.
Q. Frank and Cecil walk into a bar. Frank orders a Pilsner. What did
Cecil order?
A. Pilsner.
These riddles took a long time for me to write because, obviously, I
laughed for five minutes after coming up with each one.
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;P ANOTHER ONE .b
`q by BMC p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
Why?
-because.
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___________________________________________________
|THE COMINTERN IS AVAILIABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBS'S |
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|
| TWILIGHT ZONE (905) 432-7667 |
| BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 |
| CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 |
| THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 |
|___________________________________________________|
| Website at: http://members.home.com/comintern |
| Questions? Comments? Submissions? |
| Email BMC at: thebmc@home.com |
|___________________________________________________|
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Copyright 2001 by The Neo-Comintern #164-07/29/01
All content is property of The Neo-Comintern.
You may redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the
content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any
part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. Made in Canada.