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t h e n e o - c o m i n t e r n e l e c t r o n i c m a g z i n e
I n s t a l l m e n t N u m b e r 1 3 4
We Are the New International
December 24th, 2000
Editor: BMC
Writers:
aster
Margarina Cataclysma
Junior Haagis
The High Cog
Gnarly Wayne
BMC
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;P Featured in this installment .b
$ $
$ Blood - aster $
$ My Aunt Made Jam - Margarina Cataclysma $
$ And Now, a Treat... - Junior Haagis $
$ Bloodbears - The High Cog $
$ Blood Biography - Gnarly Wayne and BMC $
$ Blood Haikus - BMC and Gnarly Wayne $
`q p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
EDITOR'S NOTE
Well we all knew it would happen sometime, and it finally did. Here it is,
the fabulous incredible Neo-Comintern BLOOD ISSUE!
Drip drip drip. /\
(__) DRIP DRIP
\_Drop of blood_/ DRIP!!!
Dee-lish! My first plan was to do this entire issue in blood, but then
I changed my mind and went with the standard technique of publishing it in
pixels only.
So enjoy this, our X-Mas special.
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;P BLOOD .b
`q by aster p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
blood is red. so is the color scheme on my computer but i might change it
to a pretty yellow with blue polka dots and a little grove of apple trees
near the keyboard. under the apple trees, the little girl made chains of
chains, with ribbons around every fifth oddshaped chain, and she was sure to
odd-shape some, so there would be enough ribbons ensuring prettiness.
then the horse ran up and offered her a ride to the dairy, where she was
ground into vegetable broth and fed to small children.
the end.
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;P MY AUNT MADE JAM .b
`q by Margarina Cataclysma p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
My Aunt Made Jam
and it was really really good.
Peach, one batch.
And Blackberry.
I ate it all up.
Being bloody minded
I dreamed, after the last smear
on toast,
That blood was her secret ingredient.
I wonder what that means?
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;P AND NOW, A TREAT... .b
`q by Junior Haagis p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
Junior Haagis' Boudin Du Pau (Blood Pudding)
A traditional Acadian steamed pudding served during the Christmas holiday,
which was orginated by the desperate attempt to make desert out of pork. My
own personal version calls for butter, shortening, and suet (an unprocessed,
solid white fat from the loin and kidney regions of meat animals). In fact,
I challenge anyone to make a single batch without it. I think you'll be
pleasantly surprised.
This crap consists of:
10 pints of O-Negative
6 lbs of assorted pork necks, lungs, hair, hooves, heads, shanks, piglets..
1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup shortening
1 cup sugar (or not)
3 egg yolks (supposedly. I've never actually been able to separate an egg)
1 cup milk (keep it nearby. Baking's thirsty, decalcifying work)
A generous dash of rum extract (keep this also nearby)
1 pound dried figs, ground or finely chopped (I like to chop)
1 cup chopped nuts (someone say 'chopped'?!)
Grated peel of 1 lemon and 1 orange (it's harmless folks, really)
Sweetened whipped cream (add for flavor. Or in this case, ALL the flavor)
1.Preheat oven to 325*F (160*C). Do it NOW buck-tooth! Generously grease
your baking surfaces like you're out to please yourself.
2.Grind the pig into a bowl, but not too fine. Distinctiveness is the key to
a successful end-product. Garnish sparsely with hunks of butter and
shortening.
3. Gradually add sugar, egg yolks, figs, lemon and orange peel at individual
43 minute intervals. Mix well. If you feel at this point that you're still
commited to the task, proceed to add the nuts.
4. Now to prepare the blood itself. In a chilled 5 gallon, stainless steal
container, add your first five pints, keeping in mind the coagulation factor
of one part per million for every two minutes. Prepare your feild dressing
by fashioning the half-knot, tri-corner tournequet. Gradually add your meat
mixture to the O-negative keeping the afflicted area elevated at shoulder
height. Next, place your gauze two-inches apart and as close to the joint as
possible. Tie-off your 4 x 1 x 1 wooden supports and add direct pressure.
If your egg yolks have managed to remain seperate with a moderately
tangerine composure, go ahead and add the remaining 5 pints.
5. Fill your shallow baking pans with the mixture and steam the pudding in
the oven slowly for 4 hours, replacing the interior light-bulb as needed.
6. Let simmer for 10 minutes and leave your patrons little or no time to
react when unveiling the final product. Lie and say it's mostly made of
raspberries.
For a sense of irony, yell,"Merry Christmas!"
Serves (and I use that term very loosely) 7.
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;P BLOODBEARS .b
`q by The High Cog p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
I have pet bears,
They all eat blood
They kill my foes
Whilst I smoke bud.
They don't shit in the woods.
They don't shit in the woods.
They don't shit in the woods.
They burned them down.
I have pet bears,
I have pet cubs
And through their lives
They eat Blood Subs.
Don't feed the bears
Don't feed the bears
Don't feed the bears
They just eat blood.
I have pet bears,
As you can see,
They'll eat your souls.
h0! Great! Brag! Me!
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;P BLOOD BIOGRAPHY .b
`q by Gnarly Wayne and BMC p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
It saw a bright light at the end of the tunnel, getting closer and
closer. The light grew from a pinprick, getting larger and larger until
finally it was spilled into a room full of light. It was surrounded by men
and women in white coats. It blinked and looked around at its new world.
One the men said "Well, it seems like we have a beautiful baby....aa....aah.
..AAHHH.... BLOOD!"
Cries of terror arose from the room as everyone fled with haste. It
looked around and then down at itself.
Red.
It saw red and that was all. "Blood?" it thought, "I am blood?"
Blood went into the street, where it was met with the reaction as before.
People would flee from it when they saw it. Its girl/boyfriends would
break up with Blood as soon as they found out it was Blood. Potential
employers would interview Blood, but it would always get caught on the
"Are you or have you ever been Blood?".
Alone, derelict, and Blood, it slowly sunk into the depths of streetlife.
Blood was blue. Well, no, it was actually red, but you know what I mean (I
hope). For Blood can only truly be blue if there is no oxygen contained
within its red blood cells, so that was Bloods new mission... to become
blue. Maybe if it was blue, people would like it and make it king.
But where to find no oxygen.... hmmm.... Blood thunk... and thunk...
and thunk.... eureka! Space has no, or at least very little, oxygen in its
vacuum. So Blood applied to be an astronaut, but got caught on that Are you
Blood question again.
Another plan was needed. What do the degenerates of society do when
nothing else will work for them? That's right! They become rappers.
And so, da Blood MC, hooked up with D.J. Gnarly Vein and released such
songs as "Where da Leukocytes at?" "Voyage to Right Ventricle", and
"The Final Frontier".
Alas, people just were not interested in Blood music, as it became to be
called. Blood left the group and was once again, back in the streets.
Blood tried his hand at porn. He was very good at it, but most of the
female and male stars did not like getting Blood all over them. Ron Jeremy
did not mind, but hey, that's Ron Jeremy.
Blood was tired. Where could he possibly go from here?
That's when something truly amazing happened to blood. It realized that the
past was gone forever and the future was just a dream. Knowing that life
could only be experienced in the present, Blood sold all of its possessions
and moved to Sweden.
Life in Sweden was a dream come true for blood. People there had a different
way of looking at things. Nobody prejudged blood in that fine country and
for the first time in its short life (a week or so thus far) blood felt like
it could finally be itself. The first thing blood did was act a fool for a
few hours, just* allowing itself to splash around and stick to things
and drip. Then it met some blood of another type and pretended to have sex
with it. Booyaa - blood was looking at it from the rear. That was fun while
it lasted but since the other blood was type B it was hard to get along with.
Blood was type O, so everybody liked it, especially the Swedish people.
Now it was on the King's way.
Blood went skiing one day and it was hot outside so it started to evaporate
and then it sat on the snow to cool off but then it was almost absorbed.
Even though blood had challenges in life it never gave up, and it eventually
went on to become a successful entrepeneur. All of the bloods came to buy
merchandise from his store. The store was called "Blood's Blood" and it was
owned by blood and run by blood and blood would come there to buy blood
with blood.
When blood got too old to run the store it got some other blood to take over
and then it went where bloods go when they are done. The others put up this
memorial plaque that you are reading right now, and they say that the spirit
of blood still rests at http://members.home.net/comintern/ncom134.txt.
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