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t h e n e o - c o m i n t e r n e l e c t r o n i c m a g z i n e
I n s t a l l m e n t N u m b e r 1 0 7
LANOITANRETNI ht5 EHT ERA EW - WE ARE THE 5th INTERNATIONAL
0002 ,ts12 yaM - May 21st, 2000
CMB :rotidE - Editor: BMC
:sretirW - Writers:
sigaaH roinuJ - Junior Haagis
CMB - BMC
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;P Featured in this installment .b
$ $
$ The Secret Origin Files (Part Two)- Junior Haagis $
$ Winter Man- BMC $
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EDITOR'S NOTE
Well if there's one thing The Comintern is all about, it's sequels.
The first chapter of Junior Haagis' "Secret Origin Files" has recieved
critical acclaim in Addis Ababa and Cyprus, and the Haagis Official Fan Club
has been founded in New York City, soon to sweep the world with international
chapters springing up all over the globe. The second book has been recieving
rave reviews regionally, and it is sure to knock ya sox off. Enjoy.
When "Summer Man" debuted back in the summer of '86, nobody thought much of
it. When its spin-offs, "Spring Man" and "Autumn Man," were released (in '91
and '97 respectively), nobody paid much attention to that either. In Spring
2000, "Summer Man" was re-released, this time to a worshipping crowd. They
loved the things Summer Man could do for them, and there was peace... for
awhile. In this issue we are releasing the fourth pillar of this collection,
appropriately called "Winter Man." Our critics predict that this chapter
will be ignored by the masses in the same manner that all of the rest were.
Oh, and there is another thing I would like to mention. I live in Regina
now, and we all know that the name is Latin for Queen. The city is named for
Queen Victoria who was the ruler of Britain when Canada became a nation, and
Victoria Day (May 24th) is a celebration of her birthday. I think it is
really neat that I am able to spend this holiday in a city named after the
same thing! I guess nobody else thinks it is cool, though, because the long
weekend has torned the city into a ghost town! That's enough edutainment
for 2day.
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;P THE SECRET ORIGIN FILES- PART TWO .b
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Tonite's Episode -
PROJECT TITAN
PART II - WHERE THE HELL'S THE ENGINE BELL ON THIS THING?
We resume our story some 26 months later at the Suyez launch pad, eight
miles outside of Minsk in the former Soviet Union.
Over two years of preparation has led to this point. On the verge of
embarking on the greatest adventure a humaniac has ever encountered, my mind
reminisces about the events that brought us here today. From a euphoric
dream on a cold September night, to the realization of life on another
planet, to an unrelated murder charge that could've derailed
the whole deal hadn't a certain star witness met with an unscheduled
appointment with his maker with the word 'snitch' gauged accross his
shoulderblades. Heeyah,baby.
Now here's how I got my rocket.
My campaign to raise support for this monumental project was long and
rigorous. The funds on the other hand were a cinch, seeing as my magic
ziploc mysteriously, and exponentially produces an exact amount of $92.78 in
the period of a week on a bi-monthly basis.Scarey as all hell,
mind ya. The problem was, no one was willing to construct us an
inter-stellar vehicle capable of holding two to three crewmen for the
duration that was projected. The technology just did not exist. After
lobbying to such companies as Boeing, Aerospace, Heward Packard-Bell, and Ma
Abrahms (an Ozark-based jet propulsion manufacturer), our efforts were
stunted for a short duration.
Then, like some devine capitalist deity intervention, a source from the
U.K. approached us. An independant company called Comet Enterprises, came
accross our shoppers ad while watching their stories one Monday
afternoon.
Through our quickly established association, we learned that 'Comet' was
comprised of former members of the world-famed D'Havilland Aeronautics, who
were dismissed from that corporation after the great English jet-airliner
tragedies of the 50's. 'Comet's' company name was that of the doomed
airliner of the time known as the D'Havilland Comet developed for British
Airways. It seemed that through a series of mid-air depressurizations and
subsequent fuselage ruptures, no fully complimented Comet of passengers and
crew that got off the ground ever made it safely down again. This went on
for months.
Then they learned of mid-air depressurization and subsequent fuselage
rupturing. Then they asked the obvious question,"What is mid-air
depressurization and subsequent fuselage rupturing?". Then someone told
them. Then they said,"Say again?". Then that person, rather irritated,
repeated himself. Then they asked,"What can we do about mid-air
depressurization and subsequent fuselage rupturing?" Then that person said,"
How the hell should I know? I'm only Cambridge Professor Ian Tolsten;
leading English authority in the science of aeronautical physics for the
last ten years. I'll kick your ass."
Renewed in the knowledge that what they had was fundamentally everyone's
worst nightmare, the boys at D'Havilland went to work on restoring the
company's good name by recreating the Comet with things like mid-air
depressurization and subsequent fuselage rupturing well in mind. But all too
soon, funding was cut do to the reallocation of finances to disaster victims
and their families. The soaring terrestrial eagle known as "the Comet" would
never fly , depressurize, rupture, plummet, impact, skid, and then roll-up
into a huge,jagged metal ball..(uh)..again.
Figuring these guys knew more about this stuff than we did, we entered an
agreement wherein they would design our spacecraft, light, and get away. In
return we would hand over the mysterious ziploc, by which time had now
stopped producing money. The simple explanation of this, we surmized, was
that the bag was getting old and tired and through some sort of dishonesty
on our part, probably never produced any money at all.
"That's okay.", they said,"That's okay."
Over the next six months, the fellas from R&D came up with many design
schematics, most of which looked like a substandard jet-airliner sitting
vertically on a launch-pad. When someone from our group, as an example,
showed them a picture of a Polaris missile, the boys from Comet laughed out
loud and replied,"You gotta be kiddin'us! That's a rocket!" Wherein
we reimplied the fact that that's what we wanted. They went on laughing,
saying that that kind of propulsion wasn't necessary in order to reach
Heathrow from Glasgow's Tavishtan International. Once again,we reimplied
that we wanted to go to Titan, a moon of the ringed planet Saturn.
Eighteen months later, we reconvened, and now the people at Comet
Enterprises had come up with a more suitable design that was stout at the
bottom and pointy at the top. There were no luggage compartments or
drink carts, and absolutely no available stand-by seating at reduced rates.
What we had was a rocket. And more so, it looked like it could
get the job done. With the plans now sent off to manufacterers to begin
construction, I could now focus on other things such as the first contact
scenerios necessary for when we touch-down in one of Titan's vastly
populated cities. How would I conduct myself? What would I say?
What would I wear? Are khaki's on their world considered a sinful, revealing
garb meant only to shock?
As our window for launch quickly approached, I go through these notions over
and over in my mind. But out of them all, one thought is predominant. Once I
arrive, would I ever want to return to the place where I once called home?
Earth? And that other place just like it? Kinda like Earth but has this sort
of..a little more...it's got this...
an ill-reputed..kinda...oh wait! No that's..that's still Earth. For a minute
there I thought..I was thinking of someplace else that made me think there
was two..different..places.
Okay now the rockets' built. We're in it. Here we go.
But now I've gone on too long for this installment. Even longer than the
last. We'll have to sit on this 'til next time.
It's called PLOT DEVELOPMENT PEOPLE! There's no way around it, okay?!!
(Sorry folks. We'll have outer-space in the next one.)
<J/H>
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;P WINTER MAN .b
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Looks like a job for Winter Man.
In '76, we got lots of money for a research grant so we decided to
do some research on the top 5 seasons or something. Real scientists said it
couldn't be done, because we didn't know anything about science or have any
real idea about what to do, the project didn't have any merit, nobody would
care about the findings, there are only four seasons, etc, etc...but that
didn't stop us from accepting the money!
And when we got our survey results back, they were surprising...
We asked 100 Saskatchewan residents what season they like the most, and here
are the unlikely results:
Winter 35%
Summer 34%
Autumn 20%
Spring 10%
Fishing 1%
(the fishing one is from when we asked Wayne and he made a wack attempt at
humour)
Nobody knows for sure why winter has grown so popular over the last 10 years
(statistics not available), but we have come up with a few amazing responses
of our own. In our interviews, we have heard the following reasons for
loving the winter over all other seasons, particularly the summer.
-You don't have to change clothes as often (ie jackets and shoes), because
you will not be able to face the weather outside anymore.
-You don't sweat in the winter (unless you get hot)!
-You don't have to use the W.C. in the winter (if you are a bear or other
hibernating animal).
-You don't have to run for blocks chasing the ice cream truck, because the
ice cream man is on unemployment for the winter.
-Females dress more modestly, making it easier for males to concentrate on
work, school, etc.
-It doesn't rain in the winter (except for the rare and deadly, and
interesting "freezing rain").
-It helps save space in the overnight lockup at the local police station,
because police can murder drunks out by the Queen Elizabeth power plant.
-In winter, people fuck more cause there is nothing better to do. Just see
how many of your friends' birthdays are in the summer!*
-In winter, you can run a fucker down and blame the ice and get off scotch
free.*
*Idea suggested by Gnarly Wayne.
All other ideas by The BMC
WORKS CITED
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___________________________________________________
|THE COMINTERN IS AVAILIABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBS'S |
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|
| BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 |
| CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 |
| THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 |
|___________________________________________________|
| Website at: http://members.home.com/comintern |
| Email BMC at: thebmc@home.com |
|___________________________________________________|
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Copyright 2000 by The Neo-Comintern #107-05/21/00
All content is property of The Neo-Comintern.
You may redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the
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