💾 Archived View for clemat.is › saccophore › library › ezines › textfiles › ezines › MISC › stu.txt captured on 2022-01-08 at 16:34:54.
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Stu v.1.0b released 16/06/96
Stu is not produced regularly, nor is it produced
irregularly. All contents herein are copyrighted
by whoever wrote them. Stu may be distributed in
it's entirety. If you do not cooperate with this
request you are violating copyright laws. If you
don't mind that you are violating copyright laws,
then we don't either. Reproduce it in small bits
and wallow in your criminal status. If you use a
Stu article in another compilation, you also, are
in violation of the above copyright laws. If you
do not care about these laws, you may do whatever
the hell you like with anything herein. Attempts
to profit from reproduction of anything contained
in Stu violates the above copyright. However, if
you can get paid for anything printed herein, you
are a superior individual and the above copyright
laws do not apply to you. If you break the above
law, then you are in violation of the above law.
=- +_ =- =-+- =_ =_ +_ +- =_=- +-+-=- =+ +_-+ _=_ +- +-+ _+-+_ =-+_=- +_ _
Stu v.1.0b Contents
.9._ascii junk --=+=-- bob
.0.-some stuff --=+=-- someone
.3._more stuff --=+=-- someone
.5.-more stuff --=+=-- someone
.7._more stuff --=+=-- someone
.6.-more stuff --=+=-- someone
.8._more stuff --=+=-- someone*
* There may be more or less than is stated in the contents section.
+ _-+=+_ =-+_ =- - =-=-+ _+-=_ =-+-= -= -=_ =- =-+ _=-= -+_"Doug the Dog"
Doug the dog had an extremely low standard of morality. He would kick
the shit out of all the other dogs. They didn't get along with Doug too
well. One day, a big dog came up to Doug and said "if you don't stop
beating all the dogs, I'll kick your ass." The big dog had challenged
Doug and Doug wasn't going to stand for it. So the next day, Doug got
his cousin Ray's Glock and put a bullet through the big dog's head. Now
Doug can kick the shit out of all the other dogs without being harassed.
-+=_ _ +_+ _ +_ =_ +_=-+ _=-+ _= =- =_ +-+_+ _+_=_ - =_ +_= -+_="Blah"
"Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah," said
the teacher to the class. At least that's all Jimmy could make out
because he was so fucking tired.
+_+_=-=-=-+ -= -= -=- +_ =- =-+ _= -=- =_+_ =_=- =- =-+_ +-+_ =_=-_ "Fear"
Fear is a car stereo with a broken tuner stuck on a country station.
Fear is a KKK member having second thoughts about his sexuality.
Fear is a door to door religion salesman who won't go away.
Fear is having a pack of M&Ms at a Weight Watchers meeting.
Fear is late night public access television.
Fear is eating mayonaise.
Fear is
=-+ _+- =_ =_+_ =_ = -+_ +_ +_ +_ =- =-+-+__= -- -"An Interview with God"
If I was Barbera Walters and could choose anyone I wanted to interview, I
would choose God. If God showed up, I would first ask her if any of the
religions on Earth follow what she would like. Then I would try to get
on her good side. If The All-Knowing did not show up, I would report
that God did not answer our request for an interview.
-+_+ _+_ =_ +_ =-=- =-+- +_+ -=- =_+_ =_+ _+_+_ =-=_+ _=_"Street Shooting"
Johnny whipped out his gun, and without regard to human life, shot the
man who had done nothing but be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
The man fell to the ground knowing not why he had been shot. Johnny
noticed he had shot him in the back of the leg and became infuriated at
the man for not being a better target. Johnny went up to the body lying
on the ground and kicked it in the stomach with all his might. A moan of
pain came from the body. He grabbed the wounded man by the hair and sat
him up. He gave a tremendous blow to the side of the man's face,
breaking his nose. The man fell back to the ground; blood flowed from
his face. Johnny kicked him in the head repeatedly, each time bringing
forth more blood. He went back to kicking him in the chest and stomach
thinking of the internal and external injuries he was causing. The man
was rolling on the ground mumbling the words "please god" and "why me"
over and over. Every time he spoke, Johnny would strike his face with
the gun. Johnny was becoming tired so he stopped kicking the man and
raised his gun. He shot him in the unwounded leg, then in the arms. He
shot him in the stomach and the chest, and finally put a bullet through
his head. Then Johnny went home and ate dinner.
+_=- =-= -+_ =_+_ +_=_ +_+ -+-+_-=-= -=-+ _+_ =-=- =_+ _=_+="Observations"
I really enjoy observing Mark. The way he carries on so many
conversations with himself is amazing. Sometimes he'll become outraged
and start screaming at himself. The he will scream back at himself,
providing the other half of the argument. I know he has some strange
hobbies, but the one I find strangest is not the dropping kittens of
freeway overpasses or suspending himself in midair, it's his stamp
collecting. Not just stamp collecting, it's what he does with the
stamps. He wraps himself in butcher paper and tries to mail himself
to Pakistan.
+_= -= -=-+_+ _=- +_ +-+_=-=- + _= -+_+ _=-= -= -=_+ _=-_-=+"World Hunger"
Possible ways to reduce world hunger:
1. Kill a lot of people
2. Feed everyone
3. Supply condoms in food relief shipments
4. Grow more food
+_=_=-=- =-=- =- +- +_=- +_+ -= -= _= _+ _+_= -+ _=-="Christmas Vacation"
For vacation, I watched television eight hours a day and slept twelve.
The one bright spot was on Christmas when my dad came home and gave me my
present, a tire iron. I was overjoyed because it was so much cooler than
the beatings I usually got for Christmas. I would sit watching TV and
putting holes in the wall the rest of my vacation. I don't think I'll
ever get tired of my new toy, the tire iron.
+ _= -=- =_ +_+ _=_ +_=_ +_ +-+_ =_+ -= -=_ =-=-=_+ -=_ +-+ _"Being Short"
I hate being short. People always step on me. I'll be walking along and
the next thing I know, I'll be face first on the ground under the weight
of a huge foot. It's usually not that bad. I just get up, brush myself
off and stretch my aching body a little. There are times, however, when
I get stepped on so hard that bones break or gashes open. I hate those
times the most.
- + _=_ +-+- - =- =_=_ =_+_+_ =_+- =-+_=-+_ =-=_+ -+_= -"Elvis Was Right"
In the news today
Order item number 8735
Let the Lord into your heart
DNA evidence proves
You've slept with how many men
He'll be using the nine iron
This is CNN
Now take the plum pudding
And one, and two, and three, and four
Call my Psychic Friend Network
1-800-ABCDEFG
Our guests will be racist, midget plumbers
Go Go Power Rangers
One Life to Live
We're slashing prices
All weather, all the time
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
BANG!
-=_+ -=- =-+_ =-= -= -= -+ _= _+_ = - = _=- +_+-_+ -=- - -=_+_-"Big Head"
Sometimes I wish I had a really big head. Almost like a normal head,
just extremely big. Usually I just think about it a while then laugh
about it. I mean, having a really big head would be funny. But today,
I thought about it, and I didn't laugh. It wasn't funny anymore.
+-__=- = -= _=_=_= = -++ -= - - - _+ -+ _+ _=_ +_= - =+_-"Today's Special"
TODAYS SPECIAL
PEANUT BUTTER AND BOB DOLE SANDWICH
2 SLICES SIX GRAIN BREAD
SMOOTH PEANUT BUTTER
THIN SLICED, SMOKED BOB DOLE
+ _+ _= -=- +_ =_ =- =- -_ -=_ -+_ +_= -= -= -+ _ =__- =- +_ +- +_+ -=-= -
So ends Stu. Wait, it's not over, I have a wacky idea. An interactive
e'zine! The last article will be written by the reader! You can type
anything you like after the next break line. Then you can save it and
distribute it so everyone can see your comments. It is possible that you
might be crazy and write above the line or change words in this 'zine, so
we have come up with a way to combat that, it's called apathy.
+_+_ =- = -+ _= -=_ =- =_ =_ + -+_=_ =_ = -+_ =_ = _ -"Reader Writes Here"
I am starting you off! Wow, this feels so crazy.