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Dumb-Ass Play
--------
by Special Ed
A white room. One door. A few chairs scattered about.
A wooden table in the center of the room, with a
stack of paper on its center.
BASTIEN enters, sits down in a corner chair.
BASTIEN
[Looks bored. Starts whistling.]
[PATRICIA enters]
PATRICIA
What are you doing here?
BASTIEN
Nothing much. What are you doing here?
PATRICIA
I don't know. [Sits] God, this is so boring.
BASTIEN
What is?
PATRICIA
This. Everything. Just sitting here in this boring room, talking about
how bored I am. I mean, really.
BASTIEN
Your problem is, you're too hard to please.
PATRICIA
Too hard to please? Look around. This is hell.
BASTIEN
See, that's just it. That's your problem. Consider, just for a moment,
how much worse this could be.
PATRICIA
Oh, please. Spare me. You sound like my mother.
BASTIEN
No, seriously. Just indulge me here, okay? You've got a comfortable chair
to sit in--
PATRICIA
This chair isn't comfortable.
BASTIEN
So pick another. And even if they're all uncomfortable, so what? You've
got a chair, you've got clothes on you, you're not sick or dying or
throwing up blood. You're not hungry or starving or even thirsty.
PATRICIA
I am a little thirsty.
BASTIEN
Oh, please. So you're a little thirsty. You could be somewhere freezing
cold, naked and hungry, dying from thirst or from bee stings or disease
or festering boils on your skin. Now consider this. Boredom, sometimes,
is a luxury.
PATRICIA
All I'm saying is I'm bored. Is that such a bad thing? I'd rather be
doing anything.
BASTIEN
I doubt you mean that.
[JEROME enters]
JEROME
You two look bored.
PATRICIA
One of us is. Bastien here is perfectly blissfully content to be sitting
here torpidly, doing nothing. Some of us have higher standards.
BASTIEN
Not so. I simply try to look at the good side of things. We could all be
burning to death right now, our flesh turning black, our blood boiling as
we scream--
JEROME
[Laughs.] And you're sure you're an optimist? [Sits.]
[DEIDRE enters.]
DEIDRE
Who are you?
PATRICIA
I'm Patricia. You can call me Patty. Say, that's a nice hair-do.
JEROME
I'm Jerome. This chair is really hard.
BASTIEN
I'm Bastien. You must be Deidre.
DEIDRE
Yes. How did you know?
BASTIEN
Elementary, my dear Deidre. You see, the registrar has only two others on
it, a Deidre and a Manuel. I assumed you were the former.
PATRICIA
You looked at the registrar? Who let you?
BASTIEN
I let myself. You could do it too, I'm sure. Of course, it is rather
difficult to read.
DEIDRE
[Sits.] Well, I must say, this isn't exactly what I expected.
JEROME
What did you expect, Deed?
BASTIEN
I hardly think it's appropriate to begin calling each other by nick names
or abbreviates.
[MANUEL enters.]
MANUEL
Holy cow. I thought I'd be the first one here.
ALL
Manuel.
PATRICIA
You must be Manuel.
BASTIEN
What would lead you to make such an assumption? Manuel, I mean.
MANUEL
I just assumed that . . . I was the only one . . . here right now. Who
are all of you?
BASTIEN
Oh, it's much too tedious for us to all name ourselves once again, simply
for your benefit. Sit down, Manuel, and do say something while you're at
it.
MANUEL
[Sits.] Well, that's just it, isn't it? I don't know what to say. Perhaps
I'll go the obvious route, and say something merely for its simplicity
value. Hello, everyone. It's nice to meet you. Was that satisfactory, you
annoying little ass?
BASTIEN
[Laughs.] Oh, that was superb. The mood of the room was becoming
oppressive.
PATRICIA
Now, Bastien, I don't think you responded correctly to Manuel. He called
you an ass for no apparent reason, and all you can do is laugh?
DEIDRE
Oh, this is all so unexpected. I thought the setting would be a little
more . . . realistic.
BASTIEN
Dear God. Well, look at it this way, Patty. I could have reacted more
strongly, indeed, perhaps. I was simply too overwhelmed with his
fantastic entrance. I mean, his mood is quite simply stunning.
MANUEL
I don't have a mood, you pretentious little twerp. You know, I could
stand up and walk over to you and just deck you right now between the
eyes. Kick your scrawny little ass all the way through that wall, you
ape-ass pansy dick-wad.
DEIDRE
[Horrified.] Manuel! How can you say such things, when you don't even
know him?
MANUEL
[Confused.] You know, I'm not sure. Something came over me. I apologize,
Bastien.
JEROME
Oh, for the love of Buddha! Manuel, now you're wimping out, and you're
the pansy ass twerp. Your type sicken me, you marshy little fruitcake
flapjack jerkhead!
BASTIEN
Oh, we've got a problem here. Calm down, Jerome. Something's amiss.
PATRICIA
See, that's just the sort of thing that makes me want to kick your ass,
Bastien! "Amiss!" I mean, you sound like a bloody pedant.
BASTIEN
Oh, something's definitely wrong here. A minute ago, you were on my side.
Now you've turned the tables, changed your character and your point of
view. This is all wrong.
DEIDRE
Dear me, what's that stack of paper on that table there? Perhaps it's
something interesting. One of you should check it out, I'm much too
timid.
PATRICIA
Oh, the poor girl. It must be shock. Jerome, help her!
JEROME
Oh, you can just shut up, Patty. You think you're just so damn hot. Well,
maybe you should go screw yourself, huh?
BASTIEN
[Stands up, walks to table. Looks at stack of papers.] Oh, dear. Oh dear
oh dear indeed.
MANUEL
What is it, Bastien? What have you found you hog-licking fiend?
BASTIEN
[Spins around, angry.] You see, that's just it! Don't you see what you're
all saying? Nothing from your mouths makes any sense, not logically,
anyway. You put in insults or attacks or silly little whimperings, and
for what? For what? For their raw literate value? For entertainment! To
break the monotony!
JEROME
What's wrong with breaking the monotony?
BASTIEN
You mustn't! You can't do this! You're just playing to their whims, don't
you see? It's all been set up. This room, this table, these walls . . .
Keep up the monotony, it's our only chance to escape this!
PATRICIA
Now that makes no sense, good Bastien.
BASTIEN
You're doing it again! Changing character, changing ideas, just
floundering about aimlessly! None of it is any good!
DEIDRE
[Stands.] What's the stack of papers, Bastien? Tell me or I'll help them
all kick your wimpy little ass!
BASTIEN
It's all for shock value. There's no track, there's no reason or rhyme.
And the cliches! Even I'm saying them!
DEIDRE
Something's come over Bastien. Calm down, Bastien. You're not making any
sense.
BASTIEN
But neither are you! If you would just stick to one mood, one impression,
then maybe we could get out of here. This infinity of nothingness, this
room that symbolizes nothing. Without a proper stream of thought, how can
we ever prosper, or change? We're all just static--
PATRICIA
It must be the papers. Check them out, Deidre.
DEIDRE
[Walks to the table. Looks at papers. Leafs through the stack.] Oh, dear.
[Reads some more.] Oh dear God, he's right.
JEROME
[Stands.] What is it, Deidre? He's right about what? What are those
papers.
MANUEL
They've all gone mad. Mad, mad, mad I say! I'll kill them all with my
bare hands if I have to.
DEIDRE
It's a script.
BASTIEN
Yes, a script. You stupid, stupid fools. A script. And all you can do is
do what you do . . .
JEROME
What sort of script? A script of what?
DEIDRE
A script of us. A script of us.
PATRICIA
What do you mean of us? What does it say?
DEIDRE
It says what we say.
BASTIEN
[Laughs.] We say what it says. It is our script. Us.
JEROME
Are you trying to tell us something? Is there some sort of symbolism
here?
MANUEL
I'm bored, suddenly. Very bored. Of all of you. Go to hell.
BASTIEN
I'm not sure if it's symbolic. No, I rather think it is not.
[Curtain.]
END.
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