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Low Self Esteem Issue 25
Thoughts on Low Self Esteem and Suicide
Written By : Parker Lewis
June 10th, 1998
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My fellow LSErs, after a couple of months of being inactive in writing for
this "zine" (mostly due to being occupied in futile study, trying to get
decent grades which I deserve but never get,) I'm back, and with school
finished for the summer I hope to be publishing some more articles. This issue
will pretty much follow the same basic unorganized structure as past issues of
LSE, in which I rant and rave about topics which are of little interest to the
general populace but (hopefully) are of some meaning to a small minority of
people. I know that there are people disseminated through out the world which
live a similar existence as I, who conceptualize and possess the same emotions
as I do, these are the targeted readers of LSE. They are the discontents, the
melancholics, the dejected, the dishearted, the hopeless, the low-spirited. We
are the people who have tasted nothing but the bitter sediments of life. We
are other people's crapshovelers and the target of their gibe, we are thus,
not because we deserve to be but because we are different. We are seen by the
greater part of the populace as pitiful, outlandish and unattractive, and for
these reasons, they treat us with their worst enmity. We are insensitively
kept from living a happy unburdened life, which all humans deserve to live.
Day in and day out, we endure their wanton harassements, and at end of the day
all that we desire is death, for every ounce of hope for happyness has long
been extracted from our souls from their repeated attacks and all that remains
is this earthly, pathetic corpse which we lug around. This same body, stigma-
tized as unnatural and grotesque by the egocentrical attackers, begins to
become a burden upon us and it's at this point that we begin to hate our-
selves, we cut ourselves with razors and commit other acts of self-punishment,
anything to divert our attention from the emotional hurt which we feel, at
this point, our body has no value, and whatever happens to it is of little
significance to us. The epoch of self-hatred is reached when we finally commit
suicide and terminate the existence of our body. The living corpse is now a
real corpse, the harassment ceases because it's target exists no longer.
Suicide is seen by most as an irrational and unresolving action towards a
calamity which could have been resolved through other methods, but let these
people go through what most of us have endured throughout most of our lives,
chances are that in the end, suicide won't seem so irrational to them anymore.
To those who think of suicide as irrational or as a cop-out, allow me to share
with these people our view of suicide so as to maybe shed a little light into
their conscienceness of what goes through our heads when we contemplate
suicide and why for many of us, it is the only answer. What follows is my
subjective view of suicide, I don't expect it to coincide exactly to everyone
else's since everybody has differen t individual particularities which set
their motives for suicide apart from everyone else's, but as the philosopher
Willam Godwin once wrote in his introduction of "Thoughts on Man, His Nature,
Productions and Discoveries", "the analysis of an individual may often stand
for the analysis of a group or a species, so as I present my perspective on
this subject, I shall probably at the same time be describing the perspective
of no inconsiderable number of my fellow-beings". [1]
Here's my perspective: After countless assaults upon our dignity and self-
esteem we have no other option then to accept society's view of us, even
though we consciencely know that we are of much greater worth than what
society has projected upon us.
At first glance, a person will primarily perceive, prejudge and assess to you
a value based solely upon your looks. These are the visibl e aspects of your
character as perceived by others. Further judgment is set upon you based on
your demeanor and personality. In this second "phase" of judgment your judged
by your actions. Your "value" or "worth" in society may either be promoted if
your personable or debased if your gauche, lacking social grace or charm. This
second judgment explains why some unattractive people are socially accepted.
If a person received little or no value from the initial and the secondary
judgment they are most likely to be marked and placed in the lower under-
privileged strata of the social hierarchy. There is however a possibility of a
social uplift even after being socially outcast, but only if the individual
makes up for their lack of good looks and social grace with distinguishing
intelligence or a natural faculty in artistic expression. But let's be real-
istic, very few of us who haven't passed the primary or secondary judgment
are seldom bestowed with the above mentioned social distinguishing factors. We
were either defeated early on by society, making the proper development of our
intellect a difficult or a seemingly unworthwhile task, or we arrive at the
conclusion that we never possessed anything special and never will, that our
existence is insignificant and whether alive or dead, society sees us
indifferently. Confronted with this social indifference towards our existence,
the continued daily bombardment of harassment and mockery against our self-
esteem, the confusion of the chaotic life that society expects us to live and
how indefensible and unprepared we are for such an undertaking. Faced with
such a predicament the prospect of death or non-existence seems much more
appealing.
The dilemma is divided thus: continue living an unhappy, insignificant life or
cease to exist, ending all emotional turmoil, and disappearing from a world
which never wanted you in the first place. This is the dilemma a lot of us are
confronted with at a certain point of our lives, it can be early on in the
teen years but most probable it will occur with the passing of age, when
youth, strength and all the romance of adolescent illusions have withered away
with age.
Hitherto, I have only described a few causes which leads some of us to the
adoption of suicide as a resolution. Although low self-esteem or low self-
complacency is in many cases a precursor to suicide, it is but one of the
unnumbered reasons which leads a person to suicide. My discussion on this
topic is far from being concluded, I would still like to discuss other factors
leading to suicide such as martyrdom, the inability to satisfy high expecta-
tions, the deterioration of romantic or other intimate relationships, the
deterioration in circumstances at work or the loss of one's job, mental or
physical degeneration, excessive guilt, or the inability to cope or find a
resolution towards an abrupt calamity, but these other factors will remain
uninterpreted for the time being, and will be subject to further analysis in
future issues of LSE. For the present time though, I'd like to turn my
attention from this morose topic onto something more light-hearted.
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Being Trendy - A Mini-Users Guide
In our present superficial society where you are judged by how you look and
how you act, it is of primary importance that you follow certain principals in
regard to your appearance and demeanor. Such principals are based on ever-
evolving trends. Trends are adopted into standards, and failure to follow
these standards or conformities will get you imputed as being unbecoming,
unfashionable and unworthy of any social acceptance. Whereas going beyond
these social conformities or rejecting them completely in favor of a more
individualistic sentiment-based and creative method of self-expression will
most likely get you branded as arrogant and you'll be looked upon with
contempt. Hereupon, we can elaborate a checklist of items in which one is to
follow so as to be an equal in the loftier ranks of the social hierarchy:
* follow the trends
* look the way others look
* act the way others act
* think the way others think
* never express any opinion challenging the social conformity
* never express individuality or creativity
* and never associate yourself with someone who does not conform to the
social standards.
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This Issue
At the time in which I wrote these articles I was heavily into reading 19th
century literature and got a little caught up in it, that's why you see the
use of all those "expensive" words in these articles, which I wouldn't nor-
mally use. I apologize to all the readers who prefer the usual no-nonsense,
straight-forward flow of the normal LSE. As of the next issue, I'll drop the
intellectual crap and get back to the basics. Peace out..
-- Park
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References
[1] Thoughts on Man, his Nature, Productions and Discoveries, by William
Godwin (quote manipulated)