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-[old-fashioned angst, like an old-fashioned schoolteacher]-=-=-=-=-=-
(
) ___ ___ * ,__ ,__ ___
/ ( ) \ ' ( (__ (__ ( ) issue #003
\__) \_/( ( \ ,__) ,__) \_/(. dec. 10, 1997.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-[for the feisty woman in you!@#]-
[---- larissa ----] [---- larissa ----]
[-- arnie goes to the shoe store and is accosted by larissa --]
[-- by murmur --]
arnie plays four-square at school, during lunch time. four-
square is tough on arnie's shoes. so, today, arnie notices that he
had a hole in the toe of his right shoe. arnie needs to buy new
shoes.
arnie talks his mom into giving him seventy dollars to take to
the mall and buy shoes. arnie secretly used part of the money to buy
himself a tasty bagel! but his mom will never notice.
arnie walks into the shoe store armed with about sixty-eight
dollars only to discover that the pair of shoes he wants, with tax,
will cost him sixty-nine dollars and forty-two cents. arnie is sad
that he has wronged himself and his mother by buying a tasty bagel.
larissa now enters the shoe store and sees that arnie is sad.
"what's the matter, arnie?"
"my mother gave me seventy dollars to buy shoes - but i bought
a bagel and now i do not have enough for the shoes i want!" and arnie
shows the shoes to larissa.
"you are a very stupid little ugly boy. and those are fag shoes,
you stupid ugly little fag boy. get out of this mall and go play with
the other stupid ugly little fag boys!"
arnie runs from the shoe store, crying.
when arnie arrives home he finds larissa there being fed cookies
and milk by his mother. when his mother asks him why he did not buy
new shoes arnie tells her that they did not have the proper size at
the store he went to. larissa tells his mother the truth and arnie is
punished by his mother. arnie is made to go sit in his room strapped
to his bed while larissa calls him names, tells him how cute she is,
tells him what a bitch she is, and whips him with a belt.
[---- larissa ----] [---- larissa ----]
[-- Larissa Explains It All --]
[-- by swisspope --]
Larissa Explains It All
nah nah nah NAH NAH, nah nah nah NAH NAH way cool!
<subtitle> THE LOST WALLET </subtitle>
SCENE 1
[ LARISSA's room. Typical teenager's room. The most noticable
pieces of furniture are a computer and an unmade bed. Empty
Vivarin boxes are littered around the computer. LARISSA is
in front of a mirror, fixing up her hair and doing girl shit.
She's wearing a black MARILYN MANSON shirt and skintight
green leopard tights. SAM enters through the window. SAM wears
a NIL8 t-shirt, a hat turned backwards, and phat skater
pants. A wallet chain protrudes from his pocket. ]
LARISSA: Hey Sam!
SAM: Sup bitch.
[ Larissa applies black lipstick. ]
LARISSA: You like my new Goth look? I decided that the GLAM ROCK
look wasn't right for me after I went to that DEF LEPPARD
concert and saw that only OLD PEOPLE wear leather
pants.
[ Really fake laugh track. ]
SAM: Did you see my Dad there? He's pretty fucking old.
[ Really fake laugh track. ]
LARISSA: Old people sure are lame!
[ Really fake laugh track. ]
[ Sam notices the computer. While Larissa isn't looking,
he nonchalantly stuffs a few boxes of vivarin into the
pockets of his oversized skater pants. ]
SAM: What the fuck is this shit?
[ Shot of the computer screen revealing a truecolor plasma
cube. On one side of the cube is a middle aged man with
glasses, presumably Larissa's father. The face melts the
to point of being merged into the plasma, then the cube
resets itself. ]
LARISSA: I'm glad you like it. I stayed up all night fiddling
with the DirectX library for so my 64-bit Diamond
Stealth could handle the BIOS video writes without
encountering a Windows 95 general protection fault.
[ SAM looks confused. ]
LARISSA: See that old guy on the screen? That's my father! He's
OLD!
[ Really fake laugh track. ]
LARISSA: Speaking of OLD people, I think my mom's awake. Maybe
breakfast is ready. (to the camera:) Life for a feisty
teenager is difficult, but you can always depend on a
hearty home-cooked breakfast!
...
nah nah nah NAH NAH, nah nah nah NAH NAH way cool!
SCENE 2
[ Larissa's kitchen. LARISSA'S MOM has her hair in curlers,
smokes a cigarette, and is apparently mixing Jack Daniels and
Pineapple-Guava Passion Fruit Juice into a Six Flags mug. SAM's
wallet chain appears to have grown. ]
LARISSA (cheerfully): Hi mom!
MOM (in a hoarse voice): I suppose you want me to call
you in sick to school today.
LARISSA: Not today. Today I am a young woman, and one of the
most important events in the blossoming of womanhood
is getting a good education.
MOM: Huh?
SAM: Yo Larissa, yo' momma's tittie's lookin' gooooood.
MOM: Huh?
LARISSA: Shut up, Sam. What's for breakfast?
[ SAM pokes around the stove range lighting miscelleanous
fires. ]
MOM: There's some eggs in the fridge. Why don't you get
me some pop tarts?
[ MOM takes a drink of her pineapple whiskey. She is hunched
over, doing the crossword. LARISSA rummages through the fridge.
SAM has apparently lit his hand on fire and is attempting
to put it out under the water faucet. ]
LARISSA (revealing eggs): Eggs are the cornerstore of a young
woman's diet. Some of the greatest
woman in history have realized the
wholesome nutrients that a generous
helping of eggs provide. (begins
scrambling eggs in a frying pan)
Where would Clara Barton, Susan B.
Anthony or Maya Angelou be without
the protein packed goodness of eggs?
MOM: Larissa. Why don't you get me some poptarts?
[ SAM grabs the poptarts from atop the refrigerator
and stuffs them into his pocket. ]
LARISSA: Mmmmm. I love the smell of cholesterol in the morning.
[ SAM seats himself at the bar beside the stove and Larissa
puts some scrambled eggs on his plate. ]
SAM: Damn!
LARISSA: You like the eggs?
SAM: Hell yeah!
LARISSA: You better eat them quick, before FERG FACE wakes up.
My brother is so stupid! After all, he's my BROTHER!
[ Really fake laugh track. ]
[ SAM stands up and starts fucking around with the stovetop
again. ]
LARISSA: So mom, when are you sending FERG FACE to boot camp?
[ Reall fake laugh track. ]
MOM (looks up): Larissa... Poptarts. Why don't you get me some
poptarts?
[ Enter FERG FACE, wearing a suit and spectacles. He carries
a TI-85 graphing calculator in one hand and a briefcase in
another. FERG FACE's theme begins to play. It sounds like
the tune that played whenever the Babylonians broke their
treaty in the computer game Civilization. ]
LARISSA: How's it going, DORKUS MAXIMUS?
[ Really fake laugh track. ]
FERG FACE: I'm starting a Computer Software company called
SNARFBLAT FROBOZZ ELiTE!
LARISSA (rolls eyes): That's great, FERGUSSAN.
[ Really fake laugh track. ]
FERG FACE: My friends and I are programming an online game
for a local bulletin board system. It's called
THE BARON'S QUEST. According to my calculations,
there are approximately 25 bulletin board systems
in this area code, and if you multiple that by
the seventy-five area codes or so in the country,
then multiply that by the registration fee of
$15, then divide the gross profit by the net--
[ SAM loses interest in the stovetop. ]
SAM: *cough* I'm gettin the fuck out of this filthy-ass
kitchen yo.
LARISSA: Excellent idea, Sam.
SCENE 3
nah nah nah NAH NAH, nah nah nah NAH NAH. way cool!
[ LARISSA and SAM are walking along the street. SAM has
grown another wallet chain. SAM skateboards while LARISSA
rollerblades along. SAM hits something and falls over on
his face. ]
SAM: What the fuck?
LARISSA: It looks like someone has dropped his wallet!
[ SAM meticulously checks all of his wallet chains to insure the
safety of his own. Then picks up the wallet, opens it. ]
SAM: Hellz yeah, I gots me 5 dollahs, I'm gonna buy myself
a nickel bag!
LARISSA: Have you ever thought about the fact that it might
BELONG to someone? Geesh.
SAM: Oh shit, yeah. Hey.. this is Cyrus' wallet.
LARISSA: Cyrus O'Donnelly? Haha, he's probably over at
Joe's. We better catch up with him!
SCENE 4
nah nah nah NAH NAH, nah nah nah NAH NAH way cool!
[ SAM and LARISSA enter JOE'S. It's a bedroom with Grateful
Dead tarps and plasma balls and shit all over the place. JOE,
CYRUS, and THOM are here. They are watching Gillian's
Island on TV. ]
JOE: Hey fellahz, what the hell is up?
[ THOM takes a MONSTER HIT from JOE's PAPA SMURF bong. ]
THOM: Waaaaaaazzzzuuuup.
[ Really fake laugh track. ]
SAM: Shit, man, I found your wallet Cyrus.
[ Cyrus remains glued to the TV set. ]
CYRUS: Man, if I wuz the Professor I'd be pokin' Mary Ann
every night.. Screw making fuckin barometers outta
coconut shells and shit. I'd just be bangin her
in that hammock every fuckin day man..
SAM: Yo, I found your wallet.
CYRUS: And the Skipper. He's so fuckin fat. Like a balloon.
I wish Gilligan would take a fuckin safety pin and pop
his belly. Maybe that's why the fuckin SS Minnow sank.
The Skipper was so goddamn fat, the boat sank. Or somethin.
JOE: Shit man, pass the doritos.
SAM: Yo, I found your wallet.
[ CYRUS ignores SAM and takes another MONSTER HIT from the
PAPA SMURF bong. This time, the hit is SO PHAT, the PAPA
SMURF bong EXPLODES and schrapnel flies all over the room,
killing SAM, CYRUS, JOE, and THOM. ]
LARISSA: Boys are so stupid. And so is pot smoking. Let this
be a lesson to you all.
[ LARISSA exits. ]
nah nah nah NAH NAH, nah nah nah NAH NAH way cool!
[---- larissa ----] [---- larissa ----]
[-- larissa is denied a confirmation hearing by senator helms but --]
[-- she will not accept it and so takes matters into her own hands --]
[-- by murmur --]
president bill clinton and his advisors were scanning the results
of the latest worthless media polls when they discovered that the
american public felt that the president was doing a lousy job when it
came to promoting healthy bitchiness in the united states. eager to
fix the problem at hand, an ad hoc panel of experts came together to
advise the president on what policy action to take. it was decided
that the drug czar has been so effective at convincing kids that
heroin was no longer good fun that they made a new position! this
would be the optimism czar and just as the drug czar was in charge of
stopping drugs the optimism czar would be in charge of stopping
optimism.
the panel of experts then decided that it would furthermore be a
most excellent idea to find the best OPTIMISM czar in the country.
the panel had little trouble for of the thirteen old, wealthy, white-
haired white men on the panel no less than eleven of them had had
grandchildren victimized by the well-feared larissa. the other two
men, of course, were secretly gay.
so the panel went to find larissa and found her in a parking lot
barking at dogs locked in cars with the windows rolled up in one
hundred and fourteen degree temperature and they convinced her to go
to washington and be the new OPTIMISM czar. they had to bribe her by
promising her there would be lots of toys to smash.
so larissa landed in washington and it was decided that without
delay she should be presented to the senate committee on just how gosh
darn good or bad america feels right now so she could be okayed by the
committee and an immediate vote on the senate floor could take place
so that she could start work immediately destroying america's last
bastions of happiness. unfortunately the chair of the committee was
senator jesse helms of north carolina and he refused to hold so much
as a hearing because he was biased against people of larissa's not
very tall lack of tallness.
"jesse, are you telling me that you won't hold a hearing on my
nomination to OPTIMISM czar because i am not tall enough for the
position?"
"that is exactly right, larissa."
"i'll learn you then!"
and larissa proceeded to beat the shit out of the tobacco
industry's favorite federally elected stoolie and the sounds of much
rejoicing were heard throughout the streets of the country and the
remainder of the committee quickly approved her nomination and the
senate accepted it unanimously and she proceeded to force the tobacco
companies to replace all of the nicotine with remnants of senator
helms's rotting flesh and everyone smoked the jesse cigarettes and
they all got real sick and most died and those who survived were
happy and so larissa went around and stole all their money and bought
herself a lot of popsicles and some big blond slaves and ruled the
country until it was taken over by the sudanese.
[---- larissa ----] [---- larissa ----]
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e x p e r i m e n t i n h a t e e x p e r i m e n t i n h a t e
n u m b e r 0 0 3 : d e c e m b e r 1 0 , 1 9 9 7
please send contributions and feedback to edecker@students.uiuc.edu.