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     s$
        .d""b.                impulse reality press no. 172
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     $ $                       "LAMENT OF INFINITE PAIN"
     $ $                           written by kreid
     $ $                           released 3/03/02
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LAMENT OF INFINITE PAIN (11/16/00)
by kreid (goat@gti.net)

PART ONE

No one understands how hard it is for me;
I have emotional problems*1.
What most people take for granted,
like, for example,
getting out of bed*2,  maintaining a balanced diet*3, 
interacting with other people*4,  making love with other people*5, 
and most of all, resisting the forces of evil that lurk deep within me*6, 
these things that seem easy for most grown men to cope with
are unbearable to me, because of my emotional problems,
but I go on anyway.

--(footnotes for stanza #1)----------------------------------------------

	1  A psychologist once told me this.

	2  Chronic insomnia.

	3  Sometimes I get a pain in my stomach right after I eat.

	4  I haven't seen a doctor about this but I'm quite sure I've got Social


	 Anxiety Disorder.

	5  I feel inadequate.

	6  I don't want to talk about it.


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Deep down, I know I am beautiful*7, 
and yet I feel so ugly*8.   That's what other people don't see.
They will never understand the pain that I feel in me*9. 
You may ask me, "what goes on in your mind*10?" 
But I could never explain it,
my pain will always fall on deaf ears,
for my pain is your fear*11. 

--(footnotes for stanza #2)----------------------------------------------

	7   A number of people have told me this.

	8   My head is too big.

	9   That is, emotional pain.

	10  It happens all the time.

	11  I don't expect you to understand.


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I take refuge with God*12. 
When I am dead, I will meet my maker,
and I will not ask for an apology, no,
just for a little understanding,
for something I never had in life,
for a shoulder to cry on*13, 
a person to talk to when in need*14. 

--(footnotes for stanza #3)-----------------------------------------------

	12  I feel that organized religion is not for me, but I consider myself a


	 spiritual person.

	13  I have always felt alienated from my mother, she loved her other sons


	 more than me, probably just because they're better-looking and have
	 fewer emotional problems.  I was always a good boy, but apparently
	 not good enough for her.

	14  My friends don't take me seriously.


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Or maybe I'll go to hell,
where ghastly demons with red-hot tridents
will poke at my bottom for eternity.
So be it.  I wouldn't fit in
in heaven anyway,
because nobody loves me.

I sit here, in abject misery*15, 
the cold steel of my knife
pressed lovingly against my wrist*16. 
You don't think I'd do it, do you?
What's stopping me?
Unpaid bills?
No, that's not it; I know what people think about me.
They say it behind my back;
I'm too weak, right?
See, that just proves to me
how nobody understands me.  Goodbye...*17

--(footnotes for stanza #5)-------------------------------------------------

	15  Caused by downright wretchedness.

	16  This never goes anywhere.

	17  ...forever!


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2

God?
Is that you*18? 
I want to be sent back to earth as a butterfly.
What is this wailing of souls I hear?
Could this be the forest of suicides*19, 
As described in Dante's Inferno, Canto Thirteen*20? 

--(footnotes for stanza #6)-------------------------------------------------

	18  The narrator has died.  From here the poem assumes a mind-blowing


	spiritual zest.

	19  As described in Dante's Inferno (Canto XIII).

	20  This citation has already been established in the footnotes of this


	 poem.
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Woe*21! 
If only I had heeded the biblical teachings
of violence against one's self,
then I wouldn't be in this mess.
It's so dark.
Actually, it kind of reminds me of being born.

--(footnotes for stanza #7)--------------------------------------------------

	21  Heavy calamity.


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I ponder the idea;
Are death and life really just the same process?  Wow.
I emerge from an egg, a caterpillar*22. 

--(footnotes for stanza #8)--------------------------------------------------

	22  This is a predictably unexpected development.


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Joy*23!   For now I shall grow to be a beautiful butterfly,
hopefully.  Or I could grow up to be a moth*24. 
Oh no!  I'm being eaten by a predator!

--(footnotes for stanza #9)--------------------------------------------------

	23  The passion or emotion excited by the acquisition or expectation of


	 good; pleasurable feelings or emotions caused by success, good
	 fortune, and the like, or by a rational prospect of possessing what
	 we love or desire; gladness; exhilaration of spirits; delight.

	24  See: the butterfly and moth life cycle.  Look it up in an encyclopedia


	or something.
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God?  Is that you*25? 

--(footnotes for stanza #9)--------------------------------------------------

	25  There's nothing wrong with repeating one's self.


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PART 3.

I want to be sent back to earth as a rock*26. 
Poof!  Darkness falls upon me once again.
I feel... igneous.

--(footnotes for stanza #10)-------------------------------------------------

	26  I believe in karma.


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PART 4.

Life is not so bad.
I spend my time wondering where and when I am*27. 
Occasionally rolling, doing multiplication tables, ejaculating*28, 
Don't get me wrong; if I could kill myself, I would*29.

--(footnotes for stanza #11)-------------------------------------------------

	27  Mt. Kilauea, Hawaii, 1959.

	28  Igneous rocks ejaculate.  Yes, they do.

	29  Because of my emotional problems that make life unbearable but I go on


	 anyway.  End lament.
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   the clever thing to do here would be to put some sort of copyright. no.
                         http://www.phonelosers.net/ir
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