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"talk about unoriginal ascii--this is the same as issue two"
%^% fight this generation %^%
## issue three (pronounced tree) ##
"she'll do anything to make you feel like an asshole" - beck
=============================================================================
-+- introduction 303 -+-
welp, here's another issue. i'm probably least satisified with this
issue, partly because of the quantity/quality of stuff that i've written for
it, which is basically one or two articles. ugh!
"so why are you releasing this, if you're not satisifed?" because
i just want to start anew. i receieved three articles from the few that
read this magazine. so i'd like to thank fortunato, david addison, and
graeme evans. their articles are probably 10x better than what i wrote
for this issue - well all except for the loafer article. man was that
dumb...
so now i leave you with issue three, which really sucks. it sucks
hard, but no matter. i'm going to take my time with issue four to make
sure it's up to my standards.
i've changed my alias on here from easily fooled to fake scorpion.
since i'm known as fake scorpion in all of the other zines, might as well
be consistant.
that is all.
=============================================================================
-+- contents -+-
i'd like to say nothing, but i don't think that would work. here
are the contents of this terrible issue. i'm somewhat embarressed that
i'm even releasing this.
% 11 % amazing discoveries - by fortunato
% 12 % rant on, fruitcake - by fake scorpion
% 13 % how to improve - by david addison
% 14 % i am jesus man - by graeme evans
% 15 % siskel and the edge - by fake scorpion
=============================================================================
-+- amazing discoveries -+- by fortunato
I was jolted awake kinda early this Sunday morning. My family was
all packing and loading and getting ready to head to the beach. Since I'm
such a diligent student that I've found myself in summer school, I had
the house to myself at around 10:00am. So, with my usual vigor and zest
for life, and because I couldn't get back to sleep anyway, I sat down in
front of the T.V., and recited the magic chant:
"Entertain me, Magic Box that knows and tells all."
Unfortunately, the magic wasn't working. The Ernest Amesley clone
was still on the screen, preaching fire, brimstone, and gay bashing. I
picked up the remote, and flipped the channels, until I found that staple
of the American mental diet, a cartoon show called "Amazing Adventures".
Basically, what this show does is take cartoons that wouldn't have
a snowball's chance in hell of making it on Saturdays, and put them on
Sunday Mornings when nobody's watching T.V. anyway. This show has three
cartoons, two of which have plots that revolve around video games.
The third is even worse. The plot of this show (and I am *NOT*
making this up) is that an entire high school football team has been
magically spirited away to eighth-century England, where they fill in as
imposters for a missing King Arthur and the Knights of The Round Table.
The team's quarterback, obviously, is King Arthur. The valiant knights/
football players battle evil ranging from a flying man equipped with some
sort of missle to an entire army of Chinese with tanks and fireworks.
However, in half an hour, I would actually miss this trash. Because,
after the cartoon show went off, the fateful message flashed across the
screen.
"This show is a paid advertisement for Touchless, Inc. and
does not neccesarily represent the views of this station,
its employees, their families, the people on the show,
the folks in the audience, the operators manning the
phones, or the people who make the product. In fact, if
you so much as try to sue anyone even remotely involved
with Touchless, Inc. , we'll just laugh at you and show
this disclaimer to the judge."
Oh no. An infomercial.
I flipped through the channels, and realized what was already
painfully obvious. Nothing worth watching is on at 12:00 Sunday morning.
So, rather than listen to the gentle strains of the Mormon Tabernacle
Choir, I flipped back to the Infomercial.
This one was for Touchless, a "revolutionary car care advance". It
doesn't really matter which infomercial you're watching however, they are
all exactly the same. Some foreign inventor has created a new device,
product, or service that you never used before, but can't possibly live
without. In order to sell this product, he does the obvious and goes on a
special TV show, usually titled something like "Really Neat and Groovy
Stuff."
This show, with its totally impartial host who repeats everything
the inventor says, makes a fair evaluation of the product by various
torture tests, usually involving setting a car on fire. The inventor shows
how "wacky" he is with the torture tests, and the hosts affirms the
inventor's insanity. After numerous torture tests, the product comes
through with flying colors and a special offer is made only to the
watchers of the program.
Here's a sample infomercial script:
Host: Welcome to "Really Neat and Groovy Stuff", the show
that specializes in finding items you've never used,
but can't possibly live without! Today, we'll talk
with Yiddish Inventor Ronald Hirschfield, inventor
of the fantastically amazing "Spatula"!!!!!!
<Ronald Hirschfield runs in to thunderous applause>
Inventor: I'm Ronald Hirschfield, and I'm here today to let
you know about my fantastic new invention, the
"Spatula"!
Host: So, you're here to let us know about the "Spatula?"
Inventor: That's right, Bob. My Spatula allows you to flip
items while cooking.
Host: Now, Ronald, I often have the problem of burning the
hell out of my fingers while I'm cooking. Can this
Spatula help me?
Inventor: Certainly can! With my Spatula, you can flip food
items while cooking, without burning your fingers.
It's fantastic!
Host: You mean I can flip food items while cooking without burning
my fingers?!?! That's fantastic!
Inventor: Yes, it is. Now, watch, I'll flip this pancake, while
you set this car on fire!
Host: You're *CRAZY*! You are actually going to flip this pancake,
while I set this car on fire, aren't you? <Sets car on fire>
Inventor: Yes, gentile. <Flips pancake>
Host: Amazing! This car is on fire, and you flipped that pancake,
without burning your fingers!
Inventor: That's right...and this pancake will come out a crispy
golden brown.
Host: You know, this pancake is coming out a crispy golden brown.
Inventor: But that's not all. You can also flip bacon, hamburgers,
eggs, and grilled cheese sandwiches.
Host: I can flip a grilled cheese sandwich? I could never do that
before!
Inventor: Watch, I'll flip a grilled cheese sandwich, while you set
this BMW on fire.
Host: Amazing!
Host: Now, I'm sure all these people out there want one of these.
How do we order?
Inventor: You might expect to pay up to $1000 for an item with the
quality of the Spatula, but today, I'm willing to let it
go for only $29.95+$6.95 shipping and handling.
Host: That's amazing! <Sets car on fire>
Inventor: But that's not all! If you order now, I'll include my
fabulous "Knife" free! This lets you cut things!
Host: I can cut things? And it's free?
Inventor: That's right, and I'll even throw in a second Spatula free.
Host: Fantastically Amazing!
Inventor: Bob, I'd like to suprise all those fine people out there.
Today only, you can have the special Spatula, with the free
Knife and second free Spatula, for only $29.85+$6.95 shipping
and handling!
Host: An entire dime off?!?!?!?!?!?! <Feigns fainting>
Inventor: Yep, but only if they order now!
Host: <sets car on fire> You heard him, folks, Order the "Spatula"
TODAY!. This has been "Really Neat and Groovy Stuff."
Inventor: Goodbye!
<Audience claps, music plays, and cars start exploding>
I'm warning you people...stay away from T.V. on Sunday mornings, or
your brain will turn to cottage cheese. Gotta go, my Spatula is here, and
I can't wait to set my car on fire and try it out.
=============================================================================
-+- rant on, fruitcake -+- by fake scorpion
you know, things aren't going my way today. things never really go
my way, but this time it's ten thousand times worse. do you want to hear
my problems? probably not, but tough. that's life, right? put up with
my bullshit, and i'll put up with yours. i've done it for the past fifteen
years of my life.
first off, i have a writer's block. i can't think of a single thing
to write about. secondly, i have a cramp. this isn't just a regular
"ouch!" cramp. this is a "i'm going to die" cramp. i nearly passed out
walking from the tv to my bedroom.
you want to know what else? i'm so sick of sitting in front of my
monitor, having no friends, having no one to jammy jam in a rock band
(i play the guitar), and basically having no fucking life. even though
i have no life, my expectations for people are too high for them to
meet.
you want to know why? it's because every damn person i meet on
this elite computer of mine has personality. they're no different than
anyone else, it's just easier to express this great creativity that they
hold through the computer. and this has raised my standards to standards
that are impossible to meet, in the real world.
you want to know why? i'm sick of asking that question.
=============================================================================
-+- how to improve -+- by david addison (afeinber@panix.com)
America. All things considered, I believe it's the best country to
live in. Well, at least until I do more research about Sweden. But since
I don't plan to be putting two dots over odd vowels in the near future,
the U.S. of A. will have to suffice. But there are bad things in America,
like Bob Dole, Free Willy 2, and Sizzler. But try as we may, there's not
a whole lot we can do about many of these things.
Reading the newspaper this week has gotten me more depressed than
when Twin Peaks was taken off the air. A new playground got vandalized
with messages of hate towards African Americans and Jews. A postman
refused to pick up mail from a house where a person living with AIDS lives.
A woman got fired and claimed it was because she refused to listen to her
boss tell sexist jokes. If I wanted to describe every case lake this,
I would develop carpel-tunnel syndrome from all of the typing. But these
cases are all related, for they all are sparked by ignorance.
Ignorance makes the racist hate, makes the homophobe nervous, makes
the sexist a schmuck, and so on. And it got me to thinking about how the
courts deal with these people. For the most part, hate crimes are dealt
with by some jail time, community service, and often sensitivity training.
Sensitivity training makes sense. The best tool against ignorance
is knowledge. Sensitivity training I feel, must change the views of at least
some of these people. It's a simple concept. Take a person who perpetrates
a crime of ignorance, say, against African Americans. Sit them in a room
with an African American for a few hours, who explains what hate crime
does to people, and teaches the criminal all about African Americans and
their issues. Result? Criminal walks out with less ignorance and hatred
towards African Americans, at least more times than not.
But only providing sensitivity training after an offense is
ridiculous. It's the equivalent of giving all teenagers a drivers license
when they turn 16, but only teaching them driving rules and skills after
they get into an accident. We need to attempt to stop the accident before
it happens. I propose mandatory sensitivity training for everybody.
Here's how it would work.
Let's start with children. Some people might think that's too
young, but I think a lot of prejudices are learned from sweet ole mommie
and daddy. So from kindergarten through high school, one day out of every
school year gets dedicated to sensitivity training. It would be a
potpourri of training, taking 8 hours and just covering the whole gambit.
In 8 hours, I think you can cover all the bases in terms of prejudice.
Teach them how everybody is okay, how just because somebody is
different, they're still not any less of a person than anybody else, all
that jazz. One day out of a school year won't hurt anybody, and I feel
will it will surely help.
Will it make everybody into perfect human beings? No. Will it have
a positive effect on some percentage of the population and deter some of
them from prejudiced thinking or hate crime down the road? Definitely.
It's not a bad thing and anything that is not a bad thing is a good thing.
But it can't stop after high school. There's always fresh things to learn,
new concepts to understand, and more positive thinking to reinforce. This
day of understanding and accepting must continue in adult life.
Now, call me naive, but I can't see every adult running to some
sensitivity class every year, skipping to class and singing "Kumbaya".
Hence, like Vicks 44D, sometimes you have to take medicine that you really
have zero desire to take. In my proposal, there's no choice involved. It
would be like jury duty, except that everybody would actually have to do
it. It would be a flexible sort of class, it would be available on
various days and times to accommodate everyone.
It would be practically cost free on the taxpayer as well. Just have the
classes take place in a public school, and have a condition of education
majors student aid be that they have to be trained how to give a
sensitivity class and give it for say, 10 days a year. Then the cost would
be infintescimle.
It would make everybody more informed and hence, less ignorant. I
couldn't see how hate and sex crimes would not plummet under such a system.
I know it would be a drag if you feel you already are the most
understanding and well informed person on the planet, but who really is?
I'd be willing to sacrifice one day a year out of my life just to make
sure, and do my share in making this country a better place for us and
our children. Wouldn't you?
=============================================================================
-+- i am jesus man -+- by Graeme Evans
I just read FTG #2. Sorry but I'm not really into writing angst/
rants. But here goes..
About the only thing that has been pissing me off recently is
peoples attitude to sandals. Now I am in the unfortunate position of
having to wear sandals since i got an ingrown toenail last august.
I wore them through the snow of winter, then they wore out and i got a
new pair. I'm quite attached to my sandals, but some people seem to have
a problem with them.
Now I used to wear docs but my toe aches and leaks pus if I do. I'd
really like to wear proper shoes and maybe when I have another operation
on my toe I will, but the NHS waiting list is incredible. I mean sandals
are a big drawback. It means I can't mosh at gigs in case someone stamps
on my foot.
OK the point is I got a bit depressed when this girl I never saw
before walked past me on the street and laughed to her boyfriend and said
stuff like 'nice sandals wanna show me what they can do'. I mean they're
just footwear. Maybe Jesus Christ wore them too, but it doesn't make me
any less an atheist. And I don't deserve to be laughed at for having a
foot infection. That's like laughing at mongols. Anyway thats enough
ranting. Buy my fanzine.
Graeme Evans evans@fourny.demon.co.uk http://www.cee.hw.ac.uk/~evans
(note - i'm hoping this was all a joke. i put this in here because
i am simply obsessed with english people.)
=============================================================================
-+- siskel received head from eggbert -+- by fake scorpion
so you're into the independant zine thing, eh? you like reading
something that isn't biased or corrupted by a big corporation, eh? with
zines, you don't have to wade through 20-30 GAP ads to find the articles.
but you knew all of that, right? let's expand to movies.
(incase you haven't figured it out yet, this is another movie review)
_CLERkS_
whew. this was probably one of the better movies i've seen in awhile.
it was filmed in black and white and won the "sundance best movie of the
year" award (that's an award given for independent films). let me
describe it a little.
basically, the movie was about a guy named dante who gets called into
work on his day off. dante works as a convienence store clerk who is
afraid of any type of change in his life. the film follows dante on the
worst day of his life. this includes knocking a corpse out of a coffin,
having his lover fuck a dead guy, and getting a $500 dollar fine for
selling cigerettes to a 4 year old child.
YOU NEED THIS MOVIE.
seriously though, you'd like it. i laughed so much i farted.
=============================================================================
-+- and this issue ends. -+-
well.. that's it. it realy didn't have much humor in it, and it
was probably quite boring. cheers to fortunato for the most-humorous
editorial-while-still-keeping-a-point.
issue four should rock your world if my writer's block goes away.
ah well. she'll do anything to make you feel like an asshole.
if you want to write for the zine, you can reach me at the following
places:
1. on the i-net, e-mail : disgust@vnet.net
2. on irc look for peter_pan (inspired by radiohead - don't ask)
3. or if you want to call a shitty LD board: motion suggests
+919 % 934 % 0861+
(note: it's all bullshit)
chow