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Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine Volume IV, Issue 16, AD MCMXCIX Wednesday, November 17, 1999 ISSN 1482-0471 ------------------------------------------- The stone cannot know Why the chisel cleaves it; The iron cannot know Why the fire scorches it; When thy life is cleft and scorched When death and despair leap at thee; Beat not thy breast And curse thy evil fate; But thank the builder For the trials that shape thee. -- Keepers Annals ------------------------------------------- "I still believe that the American legal system at the end of the day will recognize that Microsoft's innovations and behaviour were completely fair and brought tremendous benefits to millions of consumers" -- Bill Gates is a moron. ------------------------------------------- 1. Editorial 2. The Least Powerful People in Hollywood 3. Dogmatic Raw 4. Drug Underdose 5. Anime sucks! ------------------------------------------- This week's Golden Testicle award: Insert dick in drive A: and stroke any key when ready... http://www.fufme.com ------------------------------------------- 1. Editorial By CoN Staff T- "So, I understand you'd like to work with our company?" M- "Yes. I believe I am qualified in the position you have". T- "I see. And what qualifications do you have?" M- "Well, I like to shave my testicles, and those of my goats. I also have great experience in networking, by putting two computers in the same room. I think that ribee-ding ding ayee ayee argh. In my last job I realized that my sole purpose in life was to make my bosses life as miserable as possible, and was very good at it, too". T- "Fascinating. What is your education?" M- "I drove by Harvard Medical School in 1997. I also saw a flier of the Michigan Institute of Technology. I slept during my New Media course in Centennial College". T- "Excellent! You are hired!" M- "Brussel sprouts!" T- "I understand your excitement. We are a young and strong company. When can you start?" M- "Hey mucho burro ali`". T- "Perfect. It has been a pleasure". ------------------------------------------- 2. THE LEAST POWERFUL PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD By Improv In light of Entertainment Weekly's recent "Power List" that outlined the 100 most powerful figures in Hollywood, I thought I'd reveal the underbelly of entertainment industry. So here are IMPROV'S 17 LEAST POWERFUL PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD: 17. Alan Thicke - the former Dr. Jason Seaver just has no one to listen to him anymore...except that kid who played his son, Ben. And let's not forget "Thicke of the Night" a talk show that was reportedly so awful that upon seeing a taping of the first episode, Thicke fainted dead away. 16. Eddie Rabbit - no one really cares that he "Loves a Rainy Night." 15. Danny Pintaro (Jonathan from Who's the Boss) - his coming out of the closet was not only truly shocking, but detrimental to his career. 14. Rodney Dangerfield - not only does he get no respect, but no one listens either. 13. William Shatner's Barber - cause he doesn't exist... Get it?! Cause he's BALD.HA!! 12. Tony the Tiger - his cereal may be Greeaaat! But he's constantly hindered for his refusal to accept that he's just a cartoon. 11. Nell Carter - cause she's fat. 10. Anybody who has ever appeared on Full House - self-explanatory. 9. Russian Prime Minister Boris Yeltsin - he's not actually in Hollywood but he has no power anywhere. 8. Rick Springfield - Jessie's Girl may be one of the greatest songs ever written, but still. 7. The guy who played the father on Silver Spoons - the fact that even a t.v. geek like me can't remember the guy's name pretty much secures his spot on this list. 6. Steve Guttenberg - Police Academy? Yes... Police Academy 3? No... And let's not forget Guttenberg's other fine movies! "Zeus and Roxanne", "Can't Stop the Music" and "The Man Who Wasn't There" (in 3D!) 5. Any Amish in Hollywood - because they don't believe in power of any kind. 4. Yahoo Serious/Paul Hogan/that `oi guy' - unless 'Yahoo' cashed in on the web site and shared with his fellow countrymen. 3. Seiko - she sang with Donnie Walberg 2. Dom Deluise - no power for Dom... `nless you count buying power at the A&P. 1. The lead rapper of Snap - lawsuits are still pending, turns out he really didn't have "The Power." --- IMPROV: not only does he smell pretty, he comes in five designer colours! ------------------------------------------- 3. Dogmatic Raw by Jeff Wright Writer/Director/Near Silent Actor, Kevin Smith's new film Dogma is a terrific satire of organized religion, and the strongest faith film I've seen. It's a hilarious comic book style journey, in which all of existence is at risk. The basic rundown is this (and I know it is a little complicated and long, but I'm really not ruining anything so you can read it): Bethany, an abortion clinic worker who's faith is lacking, is given the task (by The Metatron, the voice of God) of stopping two fallen angels, Bartleby and Loki, from entering a New Jersey church on a day in which all sins of a person will be washed away if they walk through the church's doors. This day is part of the Catholic Church's attempt to contemporize itself in a campaign entitled `CATHOLICISM WOW!' led by a Cardinal Glick. If Bartleby and Loki get through the doors, then die, they will be allowed back into Heaven, but will also negate existence. Bethany doesn't have to stop them on her own though. She's helped along the way by Jay and Silent Bob, a couple of drug dealers from Jersey with whom fans of Smith's other films will be familiar. Along the way, Bethany, Jay and Bob run into Rufus, the 13th apostle who was left out of the bible because he's black, and Serendipity, a muse who is working at a strip club after her attempt to use her ideas for herself failed. Also involved in the story, are Azrael, a demon on a self centered mission of his own, The Golgathon, a creature made of excrement, The Styngian Triplets, three teen hockey playing demons who work for Azrael, a golden calf named Mooby, and of course God! The film is Smith's love letter to God, and it shows. I've never seen anything this strongly pro-faith before, so when you read that it's anti-God, it's a bunch of horseshit! Smith's made the film very accessible by making it a living comic book, full of crude and very funny jokes. The cast is fantastic. If ya want, here's the rundown of the main players: Linda Fiorentino Ben Affleck Matt Damon Jason Mewes Kevin Smith Chris Rock Salma Hayek Alan Rickman Jason Lee George Carlin Alanis Morrisette Everyone is great, with Affleck being the big stand out. Also, Alanis (in her small amount of screen time) is GREAT!!! I can't say enough about her performance. It's one of the most enjoyable, and beautiful performances I've seen. It's just so damn good!!! Anyone who criticizes her performance is just being a dick, and doesn't want to admit that she's good. The film has a relatively slow pace, but it suits it (it's only 2 hours long with credits, don't worry). It's a nice pace that gives the film a bigger size. The trek that's made by the characters seems bigger and more important thanks to the pace. The interesting thing about the film's pace is that there are A LOT of long dialogues, but they're never boring. Dialogue is what Smith does best, and here he is as good as he's been at writing witty dialogue that means something underneath its lowbrow skin. Dogma is currently my third favourite film of the year, behind Fight Club and Being John Malkovich. The only two films I can see beating it out this year are Magnolia and Man On The Moon, so it's safe to say that Dogma is one of the year's best, funniest, and definitely intelligent films. P.s. Stick around for the end of the credits cuz Smith's next film is announced. I'm disappointed by it, and see it as a step back from Dogma, but I'll still be there to see it on opening day. --- Jeff re-watched Batman: The Movie (60's) the other day, and had forgotten how damn funny it was. Don't forget. Rent or buy it today! ------------------------------------------- 4. Drug Underdose By Jason MacIsaac I have never taken any drugs. By that I mean what's commonly referred to as "street drugs" or "narcotics." I've never smoked marijuana, never dropped acid, never shot up on heroin. I don't express this as some kind of badge of honour. It's just simply something I have not done and never intend to do. I determined long ago that a person such as me, who's grip on reality is pretty slippery to begin with, should not put himself in any altered states and loosen it even further. Which isn't to say I haven't been high. It's actually pretty hard to go through life without having your higher reasoning supplanted by happy pills or something else your guidance counselor warned you about. If you've ever been to a rock concert, it's pretty much a given that you get high. You don't even need to take your own drugs. During one Kim Mitchell concert I attended (I am a wild party! Ra Ra Ole!) there was marijuana smoke coming in from every point on the compass. Just normal breathing was enough to take some in. Call it a second hand high. The highest I've ever been though was when I went into surgery a few years ago to have a few superfluous internal organs yanked out. They gave me some wicked stuff. I don't know whether it was the staff meant to kill the pain or the stuff to knock me out, but wow. I saw things that just defy description. I knew they were hallucinations, but that didn't stop me from having them. I knew for example, that a Formula 1 racer couldn't possible zoom by my hospital bed. I also knew that I wasn't really at the parking lot across from Maple Leafs Gardens on Carleton, and it doesn't have a sidewalk curb that you can pull out and store giant dustballs in. But I no joke, I saw this. And more. I knew it wasn't real, which is a pity, because the old lady that smiled at me after I put away the giant dustball looked very friendly and seemed to be a good person to know. I'm also told my speech was less than coherent. I can't remember a single word I uttered, but I do remember babbling about something. I also remember people I was speaking to looking at me as though I'd announced that today was the day I finally fulfilled my lifelong dream of stripping naked, painting my body blue and going out to direct traffic at the Yonge and Dundas intersection wearing nothing but a bowler hat and army boots. For all I know, that was exactly was I saying. I do remember realizing that I wasn't making sense, and that I should probably qualify or clarify my remarks. For some reason I couldn't. I tried, but all that would come out was another stream of weirdness. As drug users would say, that was some good shit they gave me. Of course, this was all purely legal stuff prescribed for legitimate use by a professional, and it's not quite the same thing as say, smoking a joint. This is one of the reasons I don't really like illegal drugs or the culture that goes with them. The stuff that medical science has produced blows anything you can buy off the street right off the coke mirror. For example, there's a drug called Adorax (I'm probably not spelling it correctly). It's prescribed to people with severe skin damage, such as 3rd degree burns. What it does is shuffle the priorities in the message centre of your brain. The sensations that get reported to your brain have an order of importance, and normally pain is at the top of the list. The message "There's a slight itch on your forearm, perhaps you should scratch it" mosies slowly into the message centre. Missives like "Perhaps you should do something about your hair--it hurts quite a bit because it's on fire" go screaming past the "itch" message and butts in line ahead of even things like "That feels nice-- keep masturbating." Adorax changes all that. It pushes pain down to the very bottom of the list. So if someone's been burnt half to death, the message centre doesn't have to return 500 calls a second with the reply, "Yes, we know, we're healing it right now." Actually, it pushes most messages to the bottom of the list, leaving you to ponder incoming data such as "I like trees" and "I can't seem to remember how to walk very fast." Adorax really takes away your pain. I've never used it myself, but I'm told if you try to punch someone who's on Adorax, he'll try to block it later in the week. No street drug does this. Plus you don't have the additional risk of dangerously incompetent preparation of the drug, infected drug paraphernalia, and the threat of being arrested. There is a movement to legalize what is perceived as "soft" drugs such as marijuana. I'm sure people trying to get Parliament to pass equal rights for same sex couples and tougher sentences on serial killers and rapists think that the effort is well spent. I'm of a mixed mind about it really. I have no illusions about the whole thing, believe me. I've heard the arguments about alcohol being a drug, nicotine being a drug, etc., so why aren't they illegal too? I believe that the legalization of drugs would mean one more thing our government could tax, and would lead to safety standards so that if you do take drugs, at least you know you're not ejecting something into you that is two-thirds Javex bleach. I believe the legalization of drugs would mean lower crime rates. So why do I still oppose the legalization of drugs? Well, mainly because it pisses off lots of high school kids. You know, the kind that consider Jim Morrison lyrics to be "poetry." The kind of middle class kids that think that listening to Lauryn Hill gives them intimate knowledge of the experience of blacks in America. Anything that can be done to piss off these twits is time well spent in my books. It gets them writing smug little essays and keeps them off the streets. Unfortunately not out of the gene pool, but we're working on it. There are other proponents of drug legalization, and they are very easy to set off. It's fun. One little snide comment about drugs and they're off ranting about how strong hemp ropes are, and eventually it deteriorates into vague, incoherent stuff about fascist money funding death squads in country X. I love this kind of person. I once told a very patriotic Greek man that one you looked at each nation's impact on literature, culture, medicine, and science, Canada has played a far bigger role than Greece. I didn't think a person could actually vomit out of anger, but I was wrong. This occurred about four years ago, and I think he's still ranting. If you like stirring this kind of shit, here's a few more good ones to try out: tell an auto-racing fanatic that auto-racing isn't a real sport. Tell a right-wing bigot that Jesus was a Jew (this last one is true, too). Tell a legalize drug advocate that a casual marijuana user should be sentenced to 50 years in jail. As you can see, I like to bait the pro-drug movement. I will concede, however, that they've at least put some thought behind their campaign. There is a segment though of the casual user demographic that doesn't think at all. Here's the reality: certain substances are illegal to own and sell. You might not agree with this, but it is the law. And you will get arrested if you're not careful. Period. So why do so many casual drug users feel the need to tell me about their exploits? I have had friends who've experimented with drugs and tell me about it, but that's different. Friends are friends and I'm not going to call Crimestoppers because they once took one puff from a joint. Why is it though that some people, the moment that you meet them, feel the need to talk to you about their drug use? These are not hardcore addicts, but people who use them recreationally. Cops would much rather bust a dealer carrying drugs and a concealed weapon than a party of college kids passing a joint, but for fuck's sake if you make it obvious, they will come down on you. I have had no less than four people in recent times come up to me and within an hour of meeting me, confess some form of ongoing drug use. 1) What makes them think I give a toss; and 2) For fuck's sake, hasn't anyone ever heard the phrase "Loose lips sink ships?" What if I DO give a toss and start squealing? One idiot I met, who worked a total of six hours at my old restaurant job, not only told me, but told someone else I worked with. When he had finished talking about himself, he asked my coworker about her aspirations. She told him how she wanted to be a police officer and how she was enrolled a law enforcement program. It then occurred to Mr. Genius that perhaps he shouldn't have shot his mouth off. He asked her how he could be certain that she wouldn't tell anyone about his revelation. "You can't," she informed him. When the shift was over, she went to the manager, and he was dismissed. These people seem to assume that secretly, everybody is doing drugs. Well, nobody is an angel, and many people are into something that they'd rather everyone else not know about. Lots of these people are smart enough though to not talk about it to people they don't know. Mr. Genius and his ilk are carrying on as though drugs were legal. Even if drugs were legalized tomorrow, there will still me a stigma attached to them. It may be legal, but it's not something you'll want to bring up at say, a job interview. Don't drug users understand this? Here's a better example. At this same restaurant a customer came in, and accidentally left behind what's known as a "dime bag." He came back and asked for it as though he'd left behind his umbrella. Apparently he was utterly confident that it would be here and happily returned. I don't believe he actually got it back. Not because we turned it over to the police (it would have served him right if they'd been waiting for him when he got back) but because it was snagged by another employee. "A dime bag of marijuana," she said. "This is the best tip I've ever got." And they say drugs make you paranoid. Nope, as far as I can see they make you dangerously trusting. In a way, drugs are like religions to me. I'm not part of it but I'm aware it's done, don't mind it as long as it's not hurting someone else, and I want people to keep theirs away from me unless I ask. I could add a pretentious quote about opium by Marx here, but I won't. I can't cosy up to Marx, I'd rather piss him off. It's a pity he's dead. I kinda like to ask him how he plans to commemorate the death of Princess Diana. --- Jason MacIsaac was born in a crossfire hurricane and howled at his ma in the driving rain. But it's all right now, in fact, it's a gas. ------------------------------------------- 5. Anime Sucks! by Goat "I'm not bitter" boy The Pokemon movie has arrived, and I can just shiver in horror, as for some reason, which someone has yet to explain to me, I'll be seeing it on Tuesday (actually tonight, we didn't see that. We saw Princess Mononoke. I think the Gods felt pity on us, and made sure we'd miss Poketurd. -Ed). I can't deny that I am a little disappointed that the slaughter scene was left out. Apparently this movie was made from slicing 3 original Japanese ones, and by removing all the bad bits (where the bad, well-spoken MewTwo Pokemon goes into a frenzy of dikplay and trips everyone's nuts in a bath of blood). I would've given my left nut to see that scene, and to hear the kids scream in the theatre. Ah, twell, as Morbus says. Anyway, as Power Rangers killed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turds, as Sailor Moon killed Power Rangers, Pokemon killed Sailor Moon, I can just sit back and wait,to see what will kill Pokemon. I can already picture our already full landfills filled with Pokemon paraphernalia. I hate anime`. I was raised with anime`, and next to a dubbed version of Rocket Robin Hood, anime` was the next best thing to that and a giant enema. I don't know if it's a common thing in Europe, but in Italy, even now, you flip on the channel and you can find re-runs of all the blasted anime` cartoons that I hadto endure. There were generally three types of cartoons, the ones for girls, the ones for boys and ones that just made no sense. The ones for girls were divided further down in two categories: girl (or something), looking for either mother, father, uncle, whatever, in some remote part of the world other than Japan. At least once in the episode, her eyes would start to wobble and then streams of water would erupt. You could tell someone was about to cry in Japanime` because their eyes wobbled. The girl never found what she was looking for, until the very last episode (the last of several zillion). If you missed an episode, or far that matter, all of them, it would've been just the same. The other kind of cartoon for girls was the one of some 7 year old who could mutate into someone or something else. Think Sailor Moon was a new concept? Ah, think again. They just got lucky because they wear short skirts, but as far as originality goes, they are not the first on line. Boys had a large variety of robots to pick from: Mazinga, then later Mazinga Z, Daiton, Voltron and a bunch more (like Star Blazers and the former Yamato, now called Argo). The series varied between episodes or stories that one sometimes confused which robot you were looking at. Aliens with a fashion sense that looked bad even in the 70s, would send in a robot. Robot would kick some civilian ass. They would look at the bad robot, have the ultra long "let's get into our robot, aha!" sequence, go into a fight with the robot, and in the end, use the same powerful weapon they use in every episode to slice, cut, Julian fries the enemy robot. There would be that dramatic pause you only see in Japanese cartoons as everyone just stands there, then light starts to flicker out of the bad robot and Boom! So much for reliable alien technology. The witty, snotty little kid of the group would say something not even remotely funny, and everyone would laugh. Every episode was like this! Why not use the ultra-powerful weapon right away? Or the snotty little kid? Cartoons that made no sense were like "Ken the Warrior" (yeah and Bob the Samurai). He had a small head, a gigantic body and he'd go around touching punks (you know, spiked hair, leather jackets), and they would explode. I remember one episode, he kills a whole bunch of punks, then he touches another one, and he says "You have seven seconds to live, aha! You will tell me where you evil leader is, aha!" and the guy does. I would've flipped my bird and said, very calmly: "Fuck you, Ken". I digress. There was one which was solely about soccer. I don't remember the name. I just remember that the episode started, something important would happen (the enemy team has a new goalie and you can't see his face because it's covered by his hair! Therefore he must be good - more on this later). Then they would play soccer for what seemed an eternity (you'd have to endure scenes like the main player running for the opposite net. He'd never get there. He'd be running, those weird lines that appear only in Japanimation screaming around him, occasionally jumping over the opposite team players that would, one by one, try to get the ball from him. In the distance, the goalie-net would appear, slowly emerging from behind the horizon line, as if planet earth was that small. The drama and all, I `pose. Maybe this took place on one of the smaller moons of Mars, but if that had been the case, they all would've died rather quickly. I digress, I'm sorry. Anyway, half an hour later (as the episode is about to end and you endure way too many commercials on the latest GIJOE dolls), our hero (with names like Mirko, Ken, Mikai, etc.), would win. Just like episode #1 to #5,652,234. And the characters were always the same: the main hero would have usually goofy expressions, or if it was meant to be remotely serious, he'd have long hair. If you couldn't see his eyes it meant that buddy was cool, had a traumatic past, or just a short dick and he was trying to look like a man. And of course, lest we forget the facial expressions: big eyes, no nose, small mouth with lines on cheek: embarrassed. Big eyes, no nose, big mouth: surprised. Lines instead of eyes, big mouth, no nose: upset. No eyes, no nose, big smile, lots of ovals instead of feet: in a hurry, but not going anywhere fast. However, there is something worse than Anime`. It's the people that love Anime`. They follow episodes as if it were their religion, draw their own art (which is exactly identical to what everyone else is doing, since they have to follow the masters' trace) with extreme dedication, and have the inability to discuss their passion rationally: "I don't like Akira." "WHAT! HERETIC!" Frankly, I don't. Okay, so the animation is great, but forget it when it comes to a story line. Dragontesticle Z, Akira, Ghost in the Shell, long stories, with action and philosophy that are supposed to strike in our hearts (or in our lower intestines as we sit on the can). They sit there and complain that the americanized version just doesn't cut it, and that dubbing ruins the story. Frankly it doesn't make a difference. It's not like their eyes grow smaller and their brains bigger. Then you get the Hentai shit, with school girls being raped by tentacles or giant green demons. Wooah, okay there boy, hold on the `shrooms. I better end this, before the Pichachoo Gods strike me down with lightning. I doubt anyone understands the pain that I went through as I was raised, when the only sort of entertainment on TV was anime`. Try it sometimes: watch anime` everyday, for a good 11 years of your life. It'll stop being fascinating because you don't see it everyday, and you've only seen "the good ones". Feel the pain. I just hope some idiot writes back and flames me on how stupid I am. It would prove me oh so right. ------------------------------------------- CoN would not be possible without the great help of Scriba Org. CoN: platu verata necktie. Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine "media you can abuse" In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere Published every second Monday (or when we get around it) Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive Comments, queries and submissions are welcome http://www.capnasty.org ISSN 1482-0471 A bi-weekly electronic journal. Subscriptions available at no cost electronically. Available on Usenet newsgroups alt.zines and alt.ezines. This mailing is sent exclusively to those poor souls who chose to subscribe to the Capital of Nasty mailing list. Spread the word! If you have friends who would like to receive CoN, ask them to send email to join@capnasty.org. If you'd like to unsubscribe because such email aggravates your aggravations, simply send an empty message to leave@capnasty.org. Brought to you by C.C.C.P. (Collective Communist Computing Proletariat) Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro Colin Barrett <leandro@capnasty.org> <tyrannis@capnasty.org> ZimID 708EC8D1 1994/09/14 EC B0 97 59 1D FE 7C 32 7E 04 2C 66 47 41 FB 7D