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Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine Volume III, Issue 19, AD MCMXCVIII Monday, November 16th, 1998 ISSN 1482-0471 ------------------------------------------- "Do you think when God made women, he meant it? Or was it another one of his mistakes, like earthquakes and floods? What's the matter? You don't think God makes mistakes? Sure he does. You make mistakes, I make mistakes. We all make mistakes. But when we make a mistake, it's EVIL. When God makes a mistake, it's NATURE." -- Jack Nicholson, The Witches of Eastwick ------------------------------------------- The telephone, for those of you who have forgotten, was a commonly used communications technology in the days before electronic mail. They're still easy to find in most large cities. -- Nathaniel Borenstein (from the sig. file of Jim Mercer) ------------------------------------------- 1. Editorial 2. Would You Date Yourself If You Were Gay? 3. AOL 4. Gays 5. "Speaking of pounding ass, here comes Stan's little homo dog." 6. CoN at the movies ------------------------------------------- This week's Golden Testicle award: Clergy hates coleslaw ... feckin' bastards http://www.fringeware.com/hell/index.html ------------------------------------------- 1. Editorial > When John Glenn returns from space, everybody dress in Ape Suits. Some of you might remember seeing this as a Nasty Acclamation in the beginning of the last issue of CoN. It seemed funny and innocent enough. It seemed funny and innocent enough even when I received it two more times that same night. It ceased to be funny and innocent when I received more than 48 copies of it from different people. Not even the Good Times Virus chain letter has made it to my box so many times. WELCOME TO ISSUE 19 OF Capital of Nasty. This issue is about "gays and lesbians". Although I wish we had someone who was homosexual to write an article for us, all of the articles have been written by heterosexual people. How much do they qualify? Probably not by much, if not at all. We'll leave up to you to decide. If there are any homosexual readers out there that are interested in submitting a comment or an article, please feel free, we always look forward to feedback. THE FIRST e-mail arrived from Paul Gill. > I keep receiving emails that I DID NOT subscribe to and DO > NOT wish to receive. If I continue to receive this > type of mail I will authorise my company to proceed with > legal action. Dear Sir. If you are working for a company, you are one of two people. A) The Boss. B) Some underpaid drudge in a cubicle slowly turning into a mushroom. If you are some underpaid drudge in a cubicle slowly turning into a mushroom, your company doesn't give a rat's ass about you. Go up to your boss and say that you're getting email you don't like, and that the company lawyers should begins legal action. Considering lawyers charge about 50 dollars a minute, your boss will say "Don't make us kill you and harvest your internal organs. Now get back to work." If you are the Boss: Then your system administrators are secretly laughing at you for your gross technical incompetence. Are you worried that you will get arrested when your computer performs an illegal operation? Still looking for the "Any" key? "Accidentally" subscribing to ezines and unable to unsubscribe? It's your own fault, you don't understand how your shoes work, never mind your computer. From this we can conclude your threat to take legal action is meaningless. So we can say pretty much anything we want. How about "lick my nutsack"? Doesn't suit you? How about a" blow us"? Or a good ol' fashioned "fuck you and anything that looks like you"? Rev.Sean C. Rothstein-Jacobson (who also contributed to this issue) writes in regards to the Television article that appeared in our last issue: > WAIT! You took sips! THEREIN LAYETH THE CRUX! Due to some DAMN ODD > logic, in American TV that is, the actual DRINKING of alcoholic > beverages CANNOT be shown! So the > chicks/coolness/wealth/powers-of-a-God/GIANT beer bottles will only > appear if you NEVER ACTUALLY DRINK THEM, but hold them and smile > inanely. Try it. After awhile that smile becomes stupefying, and > you'll find yourself saying: "Buddy" "hey guys howsit hangin" "dude" > "eh" (oh! excuse me, sorry) "My way or the highway" "love em and leave > em" You begin to imagine yourself being referred to as "Chip" "Bill" > "Stud" " &c. You'll note that one hand has unconsciously slipped into > your vest pocket (WHOA, where did I get a vest). > ONE SIP HOWEVER AND YOU ARE A GODDAMN DRUNK-DRIVER WAITING TO HAPPEN! Our next issue will be about various stories that have been submitted to CoN. It will not be about Heterosexuals (unless of course someone who is homosexual would like to write a parody of what it's like to be heterosexual). Thanks for reading. ------------------------------------------- 2. Would You Date Yourself If You Were Gay? By Jason MacIsaac The other day Leandro (yes the one that edits this magazine) and I were chatting. Initially we were talking about people we've dated when the topic turned to whether or not you would date yourself if you were gay. It's probably wisest to not retrace the conversation and how it steered into such warped dimensions. For now it's safest to say that we're both crazy, and it's a good thing crazy people write articles for zines. Crazy people think deranged, obscene and unnatural things so you don't have to. In this event, we briefly discussed what would happen if we could date a mirror image of ourselves. Originally, the mirror image would be identical to us in every way, except it would be female. Perhaps this proves what a chauvinistic pig I am, but the very first thing I thought of was what I would be like if I had PMS. And I think we'd all be a lot happier if I declined to pursue this line of thought. But the idea of "dating yourself" I think is an important thing to consider, because answering the question "Would you date yourself if you were gay, why or why not?" is a road to potential self-discovery. Insight into your own character that you don't normally get, being wrapped up inside yourself all day. So, let assume you're gay. That is, you are emotionally and physically attracted to people of the same gender. Now let's clone you. Here you are looking at a mirror image of yourself. Would you date this person? Examining the issue closely, I've broken it all down into individual categories, listing the pros and cons. CONVERSATION: This one is very iffy, probably a negative. You know everything you are going to say. While this might lead to a king of soul-mate empathy, it's more likely going to lead to one person trying to kill the other. And since both parties possess equal strength, the fight would last a long time. Men have a tendency to talk endlessly about how great they are when initiating a relationship, not listening to the other party. Again, this could lead to violence, or it could simply mean that the other part of the couple talks endlessly about how great he is, ignoring the other person. So you got two people yakking non-stop about how great they are, each cheerfully oblivious to the other. I leave you to decide whether or not this is a bad thing. SEX: Initially, this looks the biggest possible advantage. A sexual partner whose tastes are identical to yours? Yeehaw! Think about it. When one's hormones are boiling into arousal, so is the other person's hormones. When one doesn't feel like it, neither does the other. During the act, the partners know exactly where the sensitive areas are. And never once will you hear the other person bellow "You want me to WHAT?" They share the same kinko perversions as you, so you can't shock them. You don't have to worry about disease, you know exactly where your partner's been. And if you do break up, your partner can't go spilling the beans on what sick pervy things you were into. After all, they'd be ratting on themselves. Some problems can occur, however. Particular tastes require an opposite in order to work. For example, a sexually submissive person requires a dominant partner. Two submissives will never get any sex done while they wait for the other to take control, and two Dominants might kill each other in a sexual frenzy. Again, I leave it to you to decide whether or not this is a bad thing. And finally, it really must be noted that you don't need to clone yourself in order to have sex with yourself. CLOTHING: This would have to be settled on a case per case basis. Couples of all types often share clothing--what an incredible turn on it is put on your lover's sweater and smell their cologne or perfume. The stereotype on how homosexual women dress are vague. The mannish flannel shirt image comes to mind, but ask some puffy salesguy who tells blonde jokes, and he'll tell you they dress in thong bikinis and hot pink stiletto heels, or at least they did in Oral Bimbos 3. The stereotype with homosexual men is clearer: that they dress very well. I have known three openly gay men. Of the three, only one fit this stereotype. Pressed suits, immaculate collared shirts, a well-trimmed moustache. The second wore average day to day clothing that was unremarkable. And the third actually had bad fashion sense. Yes, that assessment from me, a person with such poor clothing sense that the kids on Yonge Street don't bother asking me for spare change as I walk by. Case #3 liked to put on a piece of outrageous clothing, such as silver pants or a very gaudy hat (meaning just one in addition to regular attire). Some people of all persuasions like to dress campy, but they do so from head to toe. They wear platform heels, tight vinyl pants with the Union Jack on them, a glitter-encrusted shirt, a pirate hat and a feather boa. This at least gives you a kind of consistency, even though looking at it would strike a Mennonite blind. When you wear Docs, jeans, a t-shit, a denim jacket and a feather boa, you just look stupid. The reason I bring this up is to establish that being a gay does not automatically give you a new kind of clothing sense. If your orientation changed you'd probably wear much the same stuff you do now. If you already dress meticulously, great--you and your partner can share clothing, save money, and bask in the glow of each other's majestic presence through your clothing. In my case, this is bad news. Major bad news. I am notorious for going through clothing like it was water on a hot summer day. Shoes get worn out, my knees poke through my jeans, and the less said about the condition of my socks, the better. There is no way me and my gay clone could share clothing. Take a fresh pair of jeans off the rack, let me wear them once, let me clone wear them the next day, and they'd be shredded like a slab of mozzarella through a cheese grater. If somehow my clone worked up the courage to try on my socks, he'd be barefoot by the end of the day. Here's a little tip for you young lovers. Say you've got someone in your life that loves you dearly. Thinks you walk on water. Mistakes you for a Greek God or Goddesses on occasion. If you want to keep that level of infatuation, NEVER EVER LET THEM SEE YOUR LAUNDRY. Oh, your little Prisoner D'Amour would love to do domestic chores for you when even your mother says "Like hell I'm touching that. You wash it." One look at a collection of your smelly socks and crusty underwear will bring them back down to Earth like a Coke machine pushed out of a 747 (wow, there are some really good similes in this one, eh?) There is another distinct disadvantage for me here. Women in North America come from a society which forces them to be more aware of their looks, and the looks of others. Whereas men are taught that maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't be a bad idea to bathe once a week whether you need it or not. The wardrobe, diet, and hygiene of men involved in a relationship with a woman improves by at least 40%. During my last relationship, my personal habits went from a D to a solid B-. Concert t-shirts ceased to be my principle attire, and my cooking skills relied mainly on a skillet rather than a telephone. If I were gay dating myself, this wouldn't happen. In fact, it would probably get worse. FINANCES: If your clone did what you did for a living, you would know everything about his or her finances. Again, a mixed proposition depending on your level of responsibility. In a couple, there's often the conservative, grounded one who can actually save money, and the throw-caution-to-the-wind one who loves impulse buying. The two balance each out--the wild one is a little less wild, and the conservative occasionally takes the credit card out of his or her ass and learns to live a little. If you are already good at managing your money and occasionally treating yourself already, you should have no problem being financially compatible with your gay clone (did I really just write that? Man, this is fucked up). On the other hand, if you're one of the more extreme cases, two wild children are going to wind up massively in debt. Two tight-fists are going to grow up rich, but so bitter that watching a Disney flick would send them into diabetic shock. CONCLUSION There are more factor to consider in this whole dating yourself thing, but I think I can sum my feelings up best with this, one of the most important, useful, and life-saving things a loved one ever said to me. What was it? "I love you"? "You're special to me"? No. It was "That's a stupid idea." I'm serious. "I love you" and "You're special to me" are very important things to say, stuff most people can't live without. But my love, listening to one of my zany schemes, said to me "That's a stupid idea," or words very much like this, and as I result, I took my head out of my ass and realized "My God, she's right." Although it hurt to hear her say it, in the long run, she saved me far greater pain. If I had been dating myself, I just would have received encouragement, and gone ahead and done the stupid thing. Really, that's the bottom line. We seek out the company of others because we get lonely. There is nothing wrong with being alone with your thoughts, in fact, sometimes it's vital. But in the end we go looking for the companionship because the ultimate loneliness would be to spend your days with only your thoughts. We find partners who often have attributes we lack, and we seek to emulate what we see in them. They in turn try to add the foreign elements of our personalities to their own. In so doing, we become two new people. The differences are still there, and that's good because differences bring balance. And it means our loved ones are not afraid to try to save us from ourselves. That's one of the reasons breaking up is such a painful thing. You're not just losing your lover, it seems like you're losing a part of you. When I found out I was single again, I moved into my own room after years of cohabitation. Suddenly I was in my room again, a place I hadn't been for a long time--I had lived in her's and mine, if that can be clear. Surrounded by things that were only me, I realized I was the person I was five years ago again. I didn't want to be that person again. It was like taking a step down on the evolutionary ladder. You needn't lose the things that you learned from an ex-lover, but initially it seems like you might without them there to remind you. The trick is to hang on to what you've learned, and try again. Evolve again. Dating yourself, you would not bring in new experiences, new ideas, new emotions. You would not evolve. You would not grow. And that's why I would not date myself if I were gay. ------------------------------------------- 3. AOL By Rev.Sean C. Rothstein-Jacobson There is a wealth of idiots on the net, and they deserve a little abuse... oh hell, a lot of abuse... Most of them are just letting the leash of their psychosis out a little because they are faceless on the net... most of them are harmless, but many are just so damn open to ridicule that... well... one simply MUST deal them as they deserve. The following is a brief idea of how I have dealt with one (of many). Me (hereafter- Janet): Hi room! [several "Hi Janet" comments...but this one...] x: Hi Janet! Whats a cute girl like you doing in a sleazy room like this? Janet: My parents went to see the English patient at the movies or somthing and Im bored out of my mind!! I haaaaaaaaate being bored, it sucks! x: Yeah, I know what you mean. Are you alone? Janet["j"]: Uh-huh x: How old are you? J: 15 x: What do you look like? [Ahhh, a deviant worth pestering- the...uhm..."moral" ones will say "oh you are too young"- which, believe it or not, happens often] J: ...Why...? ;-) [the wink... how can we praise thee? You emoticon, sooooo alluring...heh-heh] x: Because I like you. J: You do? How cum? ["cum"- use it when you can, it is better than a worm on a hook] x: You seem cool. [if you doubt that this is a dev. reread what we've exchanged and judge how cool I seem] J: How old are you? x: 38. Do you want to talk? J: I like to talk, I get in trouble at school all the time for talking! [Verisimilitude...use it like an axe] x: Hey, do you want to get a private room so we don't have to look at all this other stuff? J: Sure! [okay, here is where the fun begins. Somewhere in the US there is a guy who is likely exposed and slavering...he wrongly thinks I am a) 14 and b) female... ahhh, idiots... gullible idiots...but more importantly PEDOPHILLIC idiots... so now we need an angle] x:Janet x:janet x:Janet J: Hi! I'm here! x: so you were going to tell me what you look like J: Do you like MEAT? [this was totally nonsequiter, but turned out to be a good angle] x: What do you mean? J: Meat! like Ham do you like it? x: Yeah...I guess... J: I had ham before, oh god I LUV MEAT, can I call you daddy? [nonsequiter/titillation: keep 'em confused and 1/2 hard] x: Does it make you hot? J: like pork in the oven, like the inside of a cow! Can I call you DADDY!? x: Uh sure J: I have a ham bone from dinner, its hard and big like the that vietnam wall thingee where all the dead guy names are at. x: A ham bone, huh? Do you want to cyber? J: Cyber what, daddy? [I was a novice at this back then and did not "know"] x: Cybersex silly! Hot talk! [Hot talk? Sheesh!] J: 23 x: what? j: typo. Mmmmmm...I just luv ["luv" is another good one] big meat x: Really? Guess what Im doing right now? Hint: big meat j: Typing x: With my other hand j: Holding a huge juicy piece of tri-tip and its all hot and steamy, JUICE is running down your arm and you are SQEEZING it...are you daddy, are you?! x: Uh this is weird j: Yeah, the boys at school say I am a superfreak! x: Do you do anything with them? j: Bar-b-que. Are you from Virginia? x: No I am in California J: I loooooooove virginia- they grow good pigs there- and it sounds like virgin x: Are you a virgin Janet? J: Call me baby. x: Are you a virgin baby? j: No Im from Delaware x: ...no, has a boy ever FUCKED YOU? [here we see the frustration as ALL CAPS appear, I have a theory that the limper the mark becomes the more caps that will appear] j: Not a boy x: A girl? j: 23 x: Whats with 23? j: Typo...daddy, why arent you calling me baby? x: Im stroking my cock j: So you cant call me baby? is it gristly? x: What? j: coz I hate it when meat is gristly- it gets stuck between your teeth and you chew and chew. I hate it! x: Im gonna go j: Dont leave me daddy.... x: Tell me what youre doing with that bone [Are you baiting me?] J: mmmmmmm...Im sucking the marrow out with big wet slurps x: That makes me hard j: Marrow turns you on? x: No you sucking on it j; I love sucking marrow, I think about the pig squeeling and its like blood candy...mmmmmmmmmmmmmeat x: Whoa. Im gonna go. j: But you just started! Hey you know what I like to do with honey, daddy? x: Put it on ham? j: YES! YES! OH GOD YES! Mmmmmmmm honey, ohhhhhh god! A BIG PIECE OF MEAT WITH HONEY ALLLLLLLLLLLL OVER IT! x: What about my meat and honey? j: 23 x: THATS NOT A TYPO! [I am growing bored of this guy, and well, there are other angles to runtime to drop it] j: I secretly wish I was a 23 year old woman x: why? j: Coz then I could get the hell out of my Graphic Design job and leave my girlfriend once and for all. x: What? j: I have a son x: YOU ARE REALLY SICK! j: Yeah...he calls me daddy too. And BOOM- like that he is gone and I am left with the satisfaction of having ruined someone's paedophilic masturbatory experience. Such fun! So next time you are "cruisin'" the info-highway maybe we'll run into each-other... heh-heh-heh... ------------------------------------------- 4. Gays by Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro Besides the fact that I am very feminine (or so I am told), I call most of my male friends "sweetie" and they reply with a "honey", and I have an earring, I am pretty sure that I am not gay. Now, before you start bashing me in the head because someone out there smelled some sort of homophobia, let me explain a few things. Being gay is of course, as we all know it and pretend to agree with, perfectly normal. I for one live by the motto of "live and let live". If you have no problem with me sharing the same oxygen you are breathing, I have no problem with you. At this point it would seem appropriate to say that "I have a few gay friends which are cool", but since I don't know to a personal level any gay men, I can't. The only person I knew quite well was a guy I went to school with whom I shared one thing in common: his name was Leandro also. When Leandro told everyone he was gay, the news spread through the school at lightning speed. Many had no idea who Leandro was, or that were two kids with the same name in the same school, but for sure everyone knew that he was gay. Of course, this brought the joyful greeting I would receive when people introduced me to someone else: "Are you the gay Leandro?" "No, I'm the other one." My only other experiences with gays were rather brief: "YOU'RE A NICE GUY, DO YOU HAVE A BROTHER?" - I was told this at a party, from one of my girlfriend's gay friends. I didn't get it right away; in fact, my first expression was "wha?" Eventually, halfway through the dinner, when the little gears in my head had finished rotating, and finally combined the comment he'd made with him being gay, I looked at him and started laughing (he and everyone else at the table returned the same look I had previously). "NICE SHIRT" - This one was a bit my fault. I was looking for a particular magazine which the local store I used to go to discontinued carrying. Desperate, after searching several bookstores, including "The World's Biggest Bookstore" (which usually has every possible unimaginable magazine on the face of the earth) didn't have it, I began entering just about anything that had any relation to the world of monthly publications. As I enter the last store, I started looking left and right for the hobby section. I am greeted by the usual stuff that sits on the shelves that you can find at a 7/11. The next row of shelving contained what probably was the biggest variety of raunchy pornographic magazines. Realizing that this was definitely not the type of "modelling" I had in mind, I ask the guy at the counter if he has any idea who sells this particular magazine I have been looking for. "I'm sorry, I have no idea who carries that." Then he rewards me with a big smile and a wink as he says "Nice shirt". He passes me his business card, which I grab. Now, none of this clicked in while it happened. I thanked him, grabbed the card and walked out of the store upset that I couldn't find the magazine. The whole process of being hit on didn't occur to me until later that day, when I had finally found a store that sold what I wanted. Okay. So I am slow. And to think, I was wearing an old high school t- shirt. "NO MORE MISTER SUCKI SUCKI" - Gerrard Square is a mall that--had it been situated in the middle of NYC's Bronx--probably would've had better clientele. With a tavern across from it, and a railway bridge on the other where many deals went on, it seemed that the mall was the perfect place for folks to cause trouble. The security guard at Gerrard Square introduced me to Mr. Sucki Sucki in the most wonderful way. We entered the public washroom on our usual routine to ensure that everyone had left the mall after it had closed. We did it together, because it gave us a chance to better defend ourselves from the maniacs that sometimes lurked around there. Usually the washrooms were empty by the time the mall closed, but not this time. There was a strange moaning sound from stall number 3. We tip-toed to the door, and since the dividers were not all that tall, we took a look over, to see what was going on. There were two oriental men, one performing oral sex on the other. The receiver, scared, jumps up and runs away (we later caught him downstairs trying to open the doors which we had diligently locked before our routine inspection) while the giver was just sitting there with a stunned look on his face. He looked at us and said: "Ah, no moe' sucki sucki?" Nope. No more. "I WISH CANADIAN TIRE SOLD FAKE PUSSIES SO I COULD FUCK YOU WITH ONE" - He was my last experience. Mr Rana, or so he introduced himself to me, had been following me since my first job at Gerrard Square mall, a place where both IMPROV and I share many memories. When he discovered I got a new job at no frills, he happened to shop there every day and would follow me around the aisle talking incessantly about his life, and how great he was. A few days of this and I couldn't take it anymore, so I asked him "Why do you follow me constantly and tell me all this stuff? I don't care. What do you want?" "Oh Leo, you don't know how much I love you. I've been following you since you worked at Gerrard Square in that handsome mall uniform. I just wish Canadian Tire sold fake pussies so I could fuck you with one". I just stood there motionless as if someone had hit the Pause button. No thoughts crossed my mind. I was "Did I just hear that?" Unfortunately for him, my manager, who was coming to talk to me, heard him as well. My manager had the courtesy to show him where the exit was, and asked him never to come back. Although I was grateful, my manager kept laughing about it for several weeks. I'll end this with a comment on homophobia. Am I homophobic? I don't know. I enjoyed the company and talking to my girlfriend's gay friend, but for sure I did not like the "fake pussy" comment. Does this mean I am homophobic? No, I doubt it. I think that the latter event falls in the same category as if an extremely ugly girl came up to me and said she was interested in a roll in the hay. I'd probably run away screaming just the same. ------------------------------------------- 5. "Speaking of pounding ass, here comes Stan's little homo dog." By Jeff Wright Insults among friends. Most are somehow, accusations of being gay, a "faggot", "cocksmoker", "fudge packer" or one of the million other derogatory names for gays. I've got nothing against gays whatsoever (I know that sounds like the classic homophobe trying to hide his hatred for gays by sound politically correct, but it's not). Whether a person is homosexual or heterosexual means nothing in regard to that person's worth as a human being. That's their sexual orientation and they have no say in it. Anyways, back to what I was saying about friends calling each other "faggots" and whatnot. I think the 2 main reasons behind it are the following: 1) The image of going against your sexual preference is not appealing (it's downright repellent). For a guy to suck another guy off, or for a woman to eat another woman out, that would be horrible and disgusting if that person is straight. It's similar to when someone calls another person a "motherfucker". It's repulsive to think about having sex with your mother. The combination of this (for a guy, that's what I am, so that's what I know) is to say that someone fucks their father. It's a combination of the gay image, and of an incestual image. 2) The knowledge that there are many people in the world who don't like gays. So that on top of #1 (just above this one), makes calling someone who doesn't like gays, an insult that will get a reaction, and is therefore very funny. Oh, and by the by, yes I do partake in calling people "fags", "cocklickers", and other names of the sort. But let it be said that I don't say it to those who I know or assume to be gay (not that I claim you can spot a person who is gay 100% of the time, but you can most of the time so don't give me shit about saying that). I use it only as a good natured insult to my fellow heteros. Another thing that I find interesting about people's reactions to gays are their acceptance of lesbians over gay men. If someone were to ask me if I found the image of two men having sex attractive, my answer would be "No". But if someone was to ask me about the image of two women having sex... I would have to say that yes, I find it very attractive, actually DOWNRIGHT HOT. A friend of mine argued with me telling me that lesbians shouldn't be attractive to men because in lesbian sex, there's no need for a man. Fine, it's bad in that respect, but I think that may be one of the reasons it's attractive as well. When watching porn, when two women are having sex, you've taken the man out of the movie. No more cock or male ass to look at. Just two beautiful women. That's why I think lesbians are attractive to heterosexual men. I don't know exactly how I should end this article (I didn't know what to call it either, so I apologize for the title having very little to do with what the article is about). I just wrote about a couple of things related to the issue's topic that weren't really connected. I guess I'll finish the article by saying that I don't think that "Gays and Lesbians" is really a topic, so I don't agree with it being made one by this issue of CoN. They're people. Heterosexuals wouldn't be a topic for an issue, so why would homosexuals? (NOTE TO THE EDITOR: Leo, if you make next issue's topic "Heterosexuals", I'll kick your fag ass!!!) ------------------------------------------- 6. CoN at the Movies Movie Recommendations By Jeff Wright Firstly, I'd like to take this time to apologize for my article in last issue. It was shit, and I didn't have time to realize it before sending it in since I was writing last minute. Sorry. Anyways, on with the movie suggestions. CHASING AMY Writer/Director Kevin Smith's last film (OOOOOOHHH I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL DOGMA!!!!!!!!!) is also his best so far. Its script should have been nominated for an Oscar and so should have Jason Lee. The film is very successful in doing what is one of the hardest things to do in film; mixing comedy with drama. THE STORY: Holden (Ben Affleck) and Banky (Jason Lee) are the creators of the popular comic book Bluntman And Chronic. Their gay friend Hooper X (Dwight Ewell), creator of the comic book White Hating Coon (HATING, EMMET, HATING!!!) introduces them to Alyssa (Joey Lauren Adams), creator of the comic book Idiosyncratic Routine. Holden develops a bit of a crush on Alyssa (and who can blame him), and thinks he's really hitting it off with her. But then he finds out that she's "into chicks" in a rather harsh manner. What follows is the development of Holden's relationships with Banky and Alyssa, and the investigation of people and their obsession with sexual histories. HEAVENLY CREATURES Director Peter Jackson's film about the real life events of Juliet Hulme, and Pauline Reaper is a departure film, and also his best to this point. Jackson is best known for gore/comedy films, and HC was a shock to everyone in the industry (well those who knew who Jackson was). The film recounts the relationship between Juliet (Kate Winslet) and Pauline (Melanie Lynsky sp?). I'm not going to go into the plot, because I wish I had been able to see it without knowing what it's about (the last act of the film is what people focus on when describing the film). So if you want to see a fantastic drama, just trust me and rent it. Don't read the back of the box though (It won't ruin the film, but by not reading it, you'll enhance your enjoyment of the film). Thanks for reading, Jeff ------------------------------------------- CoN would not be possible without the great help of Scriba Org. We are not Queer Nasty... that's another e-zine. Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine "media you can abuse" In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere Published every second Monday (or when we get around it) Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive Comments, queries and submissions are welcome http://www.capnasty.org ISSN 1482-0471 A bi-weekly electronic journal. Subscriptions available at no cost electronically. Available on Usenet newsgroups alt.zines and alt.ezines. This mailing is sent exclusively to those poor souls who chose to subscribe to the Capital of Nasty mailing list. Spread the word! If you have friends who would like to receive CoN, ask them to send email to join@capnasty.org. If you'd like to unsubscribe because such email aggravates your alternative sex life intolerance, simply send an empty message to leave@capnasty.org. Brought to you by C.C.C.P. (Collective Communist Computing Proletariat) Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro Colin Barrett <leandro@capnasty.org> <tyrannis@capnasty.org> ZimID 708EC8D1 1994/09/14 EC B0 97 59 1D FE 7C 32 7E 04 2C 66 47 41 FB 7D