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Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine Volume II, Issue 41, Year AD MCMXCVII Monday, November 24th, 1997 ISSN 1482-0471 ------------------------------------------- "In one ear, out the other, eh?" "More like 'In one ear, out the nostril'..." ------------------------------------------- "What do you mean you can't walk on the ice? For crying out loud Jesus Christ walked on water, and you can't walk on a little bit of ice?!" ------------------------------------------- 1. Editorial 2. A Free-Form Treatise on Pizza 3. Review: Devil's Advocate 4. Obsession 5. Michael Row ------------------------------------------- This week's Golden Testicle awards: Toilet Paper Man http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/9317/toiletpaper.html A Brief Poem About Toilet Paper http://www.liii.com/~jfauci/toilet.html Toilet Paper Tongs http://www.viamall.com/comfort/toilpapton.html Not replacing toilet paper is genetic http://megadodo.com/articles/2S69.html Toilet Paper Museum and Society http://www.tagyerit.com/tp.htm ------------------------------------------- 1. Editorial by Leandro My last Editorial This Issue marks my last editorial and the second last Issue of this year. After December the 10th I will be gone for a month to see family and friends I haven't seen for over two years. I will return before Issue 2 of Volume III is out and if I find a Cybercafe` along the way, I'll for sure write the latest events. Unfortunately the stress lately has been overwhelming and to keep up with what life has been throwing my way I've completely burned out. I need some time to recharge my batteries and think about nothing. CoN will continue to be published by my co-editor, Colin Barrett. If you have any queries or questions make sure you e-mail him. I will be gone and unable to check my mailbox. Colin can be reached at: tyrannis@capnasty.org or when you hit reply on this issue. More Spam Just when I thought that I was only going to put up with my e-mail Spam, I look at my fax machine and I notice a fax. I don't receive fax from anyone, but it's convenient to have a fax for the few times I have needed it to send something. Somehow though, considering I did not give my fax number to anyone, I had a nice piece of advertising hanging there. Two pages of huge letters and words, one advertising the faxing service that had sent me that ad, and one for the actually advertising for oil changes. I was furious. First I get spam through mail, and now even on my fax? I called their fax number and sent them their ad back. I then called their number but I was greeted with an automated service which removed my number from their listing. Although skeptical, I dialed in my number and it said it was going to remove it. I then called their second number listed there. This time I got to talk to a human being, which surprised me being 6PM on a Sunday. I complained to him as if he had sent me the fax himself. The poor guy kept on saying he just worked in a messaging place and the company that sent the fax just picked up the messages from there. He took my fax number and promised no more advertising would come through the fax. Tomorrow I an going to call the company for the Oil Change and give their manager a hard time. I'm tired of being a target for marketers. The End I'll live you with this issue hoping you will enjoy it. If you have any comments or questions, send them in. I'll be able to reply to most of the mail probably by December the 9th. I wish all the best, and I'll see you next year. ------------------------------------------- 2. A Free-Form Treatise on Pizza by Jason MacIsaac I love pizza. There's no doubt in my mind that pizza is the best foods in existence, and a really good reason to keep on living. Give me a big ol'pizza and an Extra Huge-sized Coke to wash it down, and watch me not care about the burdens that come with being alive and responsible in the latter half of the 20th Century. Pizza goes great with anything. Now, I don't mean great with other foods. Admittedly, pizza and chocolate don't go too well together, as do many other equally great foods. What I mean is that pizza goes great with just about any other activity, with the possible exception of sex, unless you like getting greased up first. But if you're sitting down to watch the hockey game, an episode of the X- Files, helping someone to move into their new home (By law you can only eat pizza or Kentucky Fried Chicken when helping someone move into a new home), or chatting about a movie you've just seen, pizza is the perfect companion. There's only one other thing that pizza does not go well with: Work. Though it is kind of cool when you work at a place where they don't mind if the employees treat themselves to a pizza... well, work is work, and it's impossible to fully relax in front of the boss. Also, you usually have several employees sharing the same pizza (or not sharing at all, the bloody hogs), and with all the different tastes in your office, that usually means eating pizza with at least one topping you loathe. From what you've read so far, you can probably determine two things about me: I've thought about this a lot, and I have an unnatural and quite possibly dangerous obsession with pizza. But that's okay. Just where to go from here, toppings or ordering pizza? ... Toppings first. Speaking of toppings, I have determined that the long-standing pizza legend about everyone hating anchovies is a myth. Simply put, anchovies don't exist, because nobody likes them. I have been unable to find any pizza place that actually offers this as a topping. Unless you go into those fancy restaurants that offer pizza with sea food. But this isn't real pizza. Real pizza is ordered over the phone, or from over the counter from some guy who's the cook, the cashier, the janitor, the mechanic for the delivery cars, and the guy who unclogs the toilets at your local greasy spoon. If you do order over the phone, you don't seem to have a lot of choice these days. The big conglomerates have killed off most of the Mom and Pop operations where the really heavenly pizza comes from. The only way non-Super Corporate Pizza places survive now is by finding a busy location, and then selling slices over the counter. These slices have the same production-line conformity as the big pizza chains like Pizza Pizza. The problem is these corporate sell- out pizzas are dirt cheap, and that's why they caught on. Also, they have phone numbers that are easy to remember. The breakthrough was Pizza Pizza, who cleverly managed to get their number into a catchy jingle "Nine six seven... eleven...eleven..." This started a trend all delivery food fast centres now follow. Mom and Pop operations don't have this kind of convenience. Their phone numbers are usually something like "area code 416-555-6724 and ask for Gio." And the delivery boy is usually Gio's son, who also answers the phone and was hoping that it was his girlfriend calling back. As for thirty minutes guaranteed delivery, forget it. It will get there when it's ready, not before. And it probably won't be cheap, either, unless you've got a Mom and Pop Pizzeria sent from the Great Pepperoni, the Ancient Roman God of Pizza. Most people don't seem to have the patience or understanding that you get what you pay for anymore, so they order from Conformist Pizza. It's not bad pizza, but it ain't great either. A slice of pizza to die for is rare thing these days, so if you know a place that serves one, hang on tight and don't ever let go. I'm thinking of starting a web page called "The Pizza Lovers Survival Page" and www.sospizza.com, where we can all share the locations of good pizzerias. It's so hard to find a slice of pizza to die for where I live. There used to be a place where I grew up called Pizza Delight. They made the best pizza I have ever had. They made the crust thick, but light. A little crispy on top, but still fairly soft and chewy inside. The pizza was about an inch thick, and toppings were piled high. Under the cheese, in the cheese, on top of the cheese. And it wasn't overly greasy, either. And it was baked in the shape of a rectangle. Sigh. Those happy, innocent days... Nowadays, were stuck with these really stupid trends that if people would just wake up for a moment and realize than convenience is no substitute for excellence, most of these conglomerates would be forced to change their product, or go out of business. I don't care if a pizza arrives in thirty minutes or less. Take an extra half-hour to put it together right, why don't you? Equally annoying are those 20 for 1 pizza operations. The formula is X amount of shitty pizzas for the price of one good one. I have friends that want open One for Ten Pizza, where you only open after the bars have let out, and sell one pizza for the price of ten. Another friend of mine wants to open Infinite for One Pizza, where you buy one pizza and receive an infinite amount for free. The one pizza would cost $989, 632.57. I say fight back against these corporate places. I'll close out with this tactic for making their lives miserable and bringing them one step closer to bankruptcy, which can be used if you live a large apartment building. Order a pizza, then call all the elevators to the top floor. Unless you've got Donovan Bailey delivering pizza, it ain't gonna get up those stairs in time. At the very least, you'll give the delivery boy a coronary. Well, that's all for now. Next time on the Great Pizza Obsession, I'll tell about the time we used a traffic accident in order to get a free pizza out of 2 for 1. See you then. ------------------------------------------- 3. Devil's Advocate by IMPROV Devil's Advocate, not my first choice of movie to see on a weekend where big name films such as Bean, and I Know What You Did Last Summer opened. In fact, I was in line to see Kevin Williamson's sophomore big screen creation, I know..., when the final show of the evening sold out. (Welcome to the world of Cineplex, "Sure we have 17 screens, but they only hold 4 people each.") Williamson's first movie was last years sleeper hit "Scream", in case you've been in a coma. The only remaining show was "Seven Years in Tibet", well needless to say that wasn't even an option. So, off to another theatre to see anything. Seeing that Bean isn't your average "date" movie we elect Devil's Advocate. Let's back track to about a month and a half ago, to the first time I saw the theatrical preview for Devil's Advocate. (Here is my thought process while watching the trailer): "Hmmm...Al Pacino, fuggetabout it!...Keanu Reeves, bearable (bearly)... Lawyer movie, yawn... Satan?!?, get outta here!" Needless to say, thanks to the trailer I went in with low expectations, which is good. Whoever put together the previews of this film did it no justice. It portrayed the story in an entirely different light than the film is actually shown. The preview is full of fire and brimstone, the movie (with the exception of the climax) is not. Other review's have refereed to this film as "combinations of Rosemary's Baby & Wall Street and The Firm & Angel Heart, in actuality director Taylor Hackford has created a film that is an entity unto itself." There are so many good things I can say about this film. Even Keanu Reeves (Kevin Lomax) is impressive...it's his best performance since, well since he started to act. And when an actor can look impressive when playing the protagonist opposite an Al Pacino (John Milton) antagonist, everyone should be impressed. Perhaps the most surprising performance though, is that of Charlize Theron (Two Days In the Valley). Subject to the mind games of The Prince of Darkness himself, her decent into insanity as Lomax's wife is gripping and eerie, much like the action of the entire film. Lomax is an undefeated lawyer in Gainesville, Florida; Milton is the president of Milton, Chadwick, and Waters, a big time New York law firm that invites Lomax to work in the big city. When Mr. & Mrs. Lomax accept, that's when the fun begins. This movie is truly scary. Not jump-out-of-your-seat-because-there-is-creepy-music-on-and-a- cat-just-leaped-out-at-you-scary. But it's thought provoking scary, I like to call it a Mind Fuck. Well I suppose that it's not surprising that Satan can fuck with your mind unlike anyone else. I hate reviews that give too much of the plot away...so I won't subject you to that. What I will do is list off a few things about the movie that make it so great... first of all it's different, there hasn't been a movie with a climax like this in a long time, so intense it's heart stopping... Rick Baker's special effects, normally I despise the T2 computer graphic morphing, but in this film it is not over killed. Pacino, some say that he has become a parody of himself, but Al puts in his best villain performance since Scarface. I didn't puke with every word Keanu spoke, he was watchable, even enjoyable. Symbolism, cinematography, and the direction were each like there own literary devices at different points of the movie. ------------------------------------------- 4. Obsession by Leila The light hits your face; Show how your square cheekbones Converge to a point Where I touch with my finger. Only barely though, this Concave globe seals you but Inches from Life. I cannot control how I feel Cannot help but look past That shyish smile; the Sweet inquiring eyes, that Careless hair. But you hurt me-you- You saw nothing past that Loud, ignorant, fickle-mindedness For soft -- I only did that for You. So now you lie; seeing Hearing, thinking none The elegant countours, the Parted lips-still Melt my heart, But, That blanched face -- It holds no more power To judge This ill-fated Obsession. ------------------------------------------- 5. Michael Row by The alarmingly uneventful Adventures of Rik This article, I decided that it should be dedicated to Micheal Row. Michael died this week at the age of 18 from meningitis. I suppose you were probably expecting a nice, funny article for a bit of a giggle. Sorry to dissapoint you. Meningitis effects younger people more. The bacteria that cause it are present in everyone's nasal cavities. Don't worry, I am not going to give you a little lesson on biology. People should just be aware of the symptoms, which are very similar to a really bad flu, vomiting, headaches and drowsiness. It kills very quickly indeed. Micheal Row became ill Tuesday afternoon and was dead by 6:00 the next morning. Meningitis is a serious problem that we should all be aware of. If you dont care, what kind of human being are you? Remember that you are made of flesh and blood yourself. Some people fail to realize that they are not immortal, when even a mere papercut can be extremely painful. Send your comments to: Rik <Rich.h@btinternet.com> or visit http://www.btinternet.com/~weird.stuff1/Rik1.htm. ------------------------------------------- "Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy