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Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume II, Issue 37, Year AD MCMXCVII
Monday, September 29th, 1997
ISSN 1482-0471
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"The Western countries might invade you one day because of your sun.
They don't have sun to produce solar energy, and Libya is a sunny
country and is the best placed on the planet towards the sun. Sand
is a raw material and the Libyan sand is of high quality. They might
colonize you for your watermelons, which are excellent because of
the quality of Libya's sand. Libya has more than 1,200 km (750
miles) of coast on the Mediterranean. They might colonize you for
that. The Libyan dates cannot be matched. They might want to
colonize you for that. The camel is also a reason for them to invade
Libya. The camel is unique because he can go for months without
drinking. He also has good milk."
-- Muammar Gaddafi
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Face Value Accepting that the cat is blue without looking at why
the cat is blue, or what pigment the blue on the cat is, or what
kind of cat it is, or where the cat came from, or why the cat isn't
green.
-- From the Devil Shat Dictionary, http://www.disobey.com
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1. Editorial
2. Asian Flicks
3. What I understood of an Indian movie
4. Observations on the Box Citizen Ruth Came In
5. Book of Profound Things
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This week's Golden Testicle award:
FlyPower: Tapping the energy of Nature
http://www.flypower.com/main2.html
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1. Editorial
Welcome to Issue 37 of Capital of Nasty, as we slowly drift into an
Indian summer. The nights are not humid and suffocating as before
and the days are getting incredibly shorter, that little bit of sun
that could shine through the day covered by thick gray clouds which
promise rain and (not too far from now) snow. It's only September,
but the stores are already stocked with Halloween material, and I am
already shivering in fear of the hideous Country-style Christmas
carols that will follow October, pouring out of the store's
speakers. Hopefully I will not be there this year for the usual
brainwashing. No, no Egg Nog. Sorry, long day.
Rudi Chiarito wrote in regard of the GUI discussion from our last
Editorial and has a few things to say about the "Privacy on the
Internet" article, which proves that I am too paranoid and not too
well informed:
Date sent: 16 Sep 97 14:29:33 +0100
To: CoN Editorial
From: Rudi Chiarito
Subject: Re: Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine II.36
The answer to the rhetorical question demostrates that you are
unsure about the true origins of the GUI. The development at Apple
were the pioneers of stealing the GUI. Apple discovered the GUI when
Steve Jobs and company were present for a demostration in 1979 of a
machine developed in 1973 by Xerox PARC called the Alto.
Sad but true: the folks at the PARC Labs in Palo Alto also invented
(among the others) laser printers and Ethernet boards (nowadays most
networks in this world use Ethernet). Apparently Xerox managers were
only interested in producing copiers, so they eventually got rid of
those too-bright engineers.
A video about demented managers worth watching is The Deathbed Vigil
Party and other tales of digital angst by Dave Haynie, but
unfortunately AFAIK it's no longer being produced. If you know a
rabid Amiga user, chances are that you can borrow his copy, though.
It takes a bright mind and years of work to come up with a great
idea, but it also takes two minutes and an Economics degree to f***
it up.
Privacy on the Internet
by Leandro+
thought. After I registered the domain name CAPNASTY.ORG with
Internic, my account in Finland, which is set as my e-mail address
in their database, started to receive the first signs of spam. I'm
not accusing Internic of giving my address to some spam
list,>however I do find it a little strange that suddenly my
mailboxes (electronic and non) are filled with junk. Microsoft keeps
on
Internic databases are public. Not just your email address, but your
phone number and postal address are available on request (on Unix
and other advanced operating systems, it's a matter of issuing one
simple command).
Leandro Asnaghi Nicastro (CAPNASTY-DOM)
322 (removed) Toronto, ON M4J 1P8 etc.
Billing Contact: Asnaghi-Nicastro, Leandro (LA672)
ordnael@FREENET.HUT.FI
+1-416-469-etc. etc.
It's part of the standard procedure, which was agreed upon when men
were real men, women were real women and Billy Boy didn't own the
entire world yet.
You might be a bit upset about it, but such data are vital when
there are any problems with your domain (i.e. one of your machines
gone crazy, someone from your domain attacking other hosts on the
net, etc.). In such cases, the fundamental question is "who're you
gonna call?"
various Intranet solutions. Not only all of these have my name on
it, but the words "President" or "CEO" are right after. My office e-
mail account, and now my account in Finland, receive spam of all
sorts. I don't want to receive this stuff, I don't want companies to
know about me, I don't want to find my mailboxes full of garbage.
Don't register your domain, then. You have to face the music
somehow.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want to give the impression that I am
another Unabomber that wants to break all links with society, and
live in my little hut up in the mountains. It's just that I wish I
What's wrong with that? I mean, as long as you have a leased line..
;)
Cookies allow companies to invade your privacy and access your
>phone number, credit card number, address, and other sensitive
False.
personal information and preferences. The next time you enter that
website, they will know that you've been there before, what you've
been looking at and perhaps what advertising to throw at you.
That's the only true thing about cookies. What's wrong with them
knowing where I have already been on their site?!?!? This way, e.g.
they already know I'm a computer geek, so they won't bother me with
diaper advertising.
There is no such thing as the word "Private" on the Internet. Even
your e-mails, have you been wondering who else is reading them?
Oh, that's simple: my system administrators, every now and then. I'm
simply amused. They even check my files: and I often download lots
of worthless stuff, just to make them waste some time figuring out
what the hell that new "sp-1.1.1.tar.gz" file is. Plus, it must be
tough, when they have to browse through the >100 emails I receive
every day. It serves them right :)
Anyway, straight from Seneca's Letters to Lucilius: "No thing is as
good as keeping silent, talking as little possible to others and as
much as possible to themselves."
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2. Voting
In our last issue we had inserted a question in our signature file.
The question asked:
Who would win this fight? A Rottwieler, or a Rottwieler's weight in
Chihuahuas? Now keep in mind that the Rottwieler is covered in steak
sauce... please send in your vote.
Two votes came in claiming that the Chihuahuas would win, however
the following reply was probably the best entry ever:
Date sent: Tue, 16 Sep 1997 01:00:42 +0000
To: CoN Editorial
From: William
Subject: Dead Rottweiler
Rottweiler ain't got a chance. The first couple rats are going to
die bloody deaths as the powerful jaws crush their ugly little
skulls, but it won't take long for one to go for the balls if the
rott's a male. If it's female, they take out the legs until she
can't stand and rip her throat out then dine on the results.
Those little rats are nasty in numbers. One on one, the rottweiler
gets a crunchy little snack.
Of course, if you catch them in the right mood, you might get a
really weird orgy. Lot's of pain, or nobody feels a thing. Kind of a
snow white and the dwarves type of thing. Except the dogs don't wear
skirts to cover up the butt sniffing in front of the kids.
And just how did some kinky story about a sexy chick and her seven
sex slaves become a kids story? Maybe that's why I keep seeing
searches for screwing midgets on Metaspy. It's probably a bunch of
kids fresh from the family vacation down in mouseland wondering why
their daddy kept looking at dopey that way. No, I didn't find
anything interesting when I tried it.
This started out as a vote, didn't it. The dwarves win.
William
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3. Asian Flicks (not to be confused with "Asian Chicks")
by IMPROV
Okay...so I've been watching a lot of Hong Kong made movies lately.
Y'know Jackie Chan, John Woo...that kinda martial arts stuff.
They're good, some are even great, but I have a few observations
about Asian cinema I'd like to share with you:
Why do all Asian towns have chickens running around in the
streets?
How much does a sheet metal shanty cost?...two, three million Yen?
If one can only afford to live in said shanty, how come there are
really expensive speed boats (that are easily stolen) near by?
There is always a dieing uncle or father, an old man of some
sorts. He gets killed. The nephew or son of this poor old bastard
finds it neccessary to avenge his death. Why? The way I see it the
murderer has done the old guy a favour...put him out of his misery.
As for the nephew/son, he should be happy, do you know the costs of
keeping old Asian men alive? Well I don't know the exact figures but
I'm sure it can't be cheap to hire a young, attractive, helpless
nurse (that screams a lot) to take care of him. If I was the
nephew/son, I'd take the killer out for a Sapporo or some Saki to
thank him for all the Yen he's saving me.
When dubbing an Asian martial arts flick, whose genius idea is it
to use British actors? Not just that but British actors in a room
that echoes. I don't know for sure...but it's a pretty safe bet that
all of Asia dosen't echo.
As for sub titled movies...Why is it then when I'm watching a sub
titled movie the voices are still dubbed? I mean couldn't the North
American distributors get their hands on a version of the movie that
hasn't been dubbed from one Asian language to another? Because I
want to hear the intonation in Chow Yun Fat's voice as he blasts
away at thirty or forty victims. (By the way Chow Yun Fat is the
greatest).
One last question: How many rounds does a .9mm Glock have...
because if I was going to use these movies as a guide, I'd have to
say at least 50-60.
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4. What I understood of an Indian movie
by Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro
The other day my girlfriend brought me to see an Indian movie titled
Pardesh, by director Subhash Ghai. Entering the movie theathre is
not that much different from anywhere else I've been. However it's
the little differences that make you realize you are not here to see
the latest Batman flick. Although you can still order coke and
popcorn, I was given Indian tea and Somosa, some sort of croussant
with vegetables inside (kind of like a Spanakopita, if you like
Greek food) all covered in Chatnee, a sweet-and-sour kind of sauce.
I have to say, it was better than having popcorn.
Hour 1:
The movie starts: for a minute I was worried if it was going to be
in Hindi or Punjabi, but the actors were all speaking in English.
Luckily, that was not for long, since right after that it was all in
Greek for me.. or Hindi in this case. Fortunately once in a while
someone would say a word in English (ie. "shit!" when something bad
happened or "ahhhhh!" when scared or "hello?" when picking up a
phone). This allowe me to get a general idea of what was going on.
Anyway, this old man returns to India, after having left many
years ago as a poor young man, and now having returned with milions
of dollars. He meets his old friend who takes him to his house
placed in the middle of his fields. In the distance we hear the
voice of a girl screaming: "Daddy! Daddy!"
At this point, series of strange events start from here throughout
the 3 hour (15 minute break) movie.
First strange thing: the two old men look off-screen, where the
camera picks up this beautiful (apparentely) girl who is running in
slow-motion towards them. The rich american guy is looking at the
girl with obvious interest although the audience is left unclear of
his intentions.
We learn afterwards that he wants his son to marry the above
mentioned girl, so that she can bring that touch of culture that is
missing from them in America.
In the mean time we get to meet the whole family, mother, father,
daughters, kids, comedy relief, aunt, cows, dogs and the incredible
amount of goats that are scattered all over the place. In fact there
are so many goats, one has to think that someone accidentally
spilled Kuleshnov1 all over the place.
While everyone is laughing and making patties out of cow dung for
the fire, the neighbours (who wear purple suits and have their hair
dyed blonde) freak about this uncle from America arriving. They
don't want the above mentioned girl to marry the son of the above
mentioned rich-uncle-from-America. Fortunately they tell them off
and everybody is happy, the girl looks at the picture of the guy and
finds him one hell of a stud and is happy too, and the little kids
are so happy that they start dancing and singing to convince his
uncle in bringing them to America.
Something weird happens here: as the kids are singing, the uncle
is dressed with a sports outfit, but quickly disappears into the fog
and returns wearing a kurta (long white pants, long white shirt on
top) and starts singing "I love my India". The movie turns into MTV,
with people dancing, women flying accross fields waving long strings
of fabrics, and the American uncle singing right in front of a
cliff, so close in fact, that if he takes two steps back, the movie
would be over.
In the mean time, the girl, Ganga, becomes a good friend with
Rahul. Now Rahul is the best friend of the son of the American
uncle, and he's got it all: looks, honour, smile and can play the
guitar. But don't worry, they are just friends (or are they?)
Since the movie has three hours to play with, the director tool
this chance to show how the son of the American uncle is too
americanized by having him react weird, and not understand half of
what is going on during the engagement festivities. He also despises
the culture, making (ironically) racial comments about the Indians.
Fortunately his friend Rahul is there to help him out of a whole
series of culture clash that occurs between the two families, the
engagement works well and the two love-birds move to America. Rahul
decides to stay in India for a while, probably to recover from all
the hard work.
Actually before they go to America there is a weird fight where
everyone runs around acting like gorillas and saying something that
sounded like "cuppa-tea". I'm not sure how, Rahul wins, saves the
girl from the above mentioned purple-wearing folks and everyone is
happy.
These were only the first 60 minutes. I could go on, but I don't
think I'd have enough space in this issue to tell you the whole
story.
What scares me here is to see that they make the little old
grandmother understanding, wise and more open minded then the girl's
parents. This makes no sense, since my girlfriend's grandparents
look at me with the same love, affection and understanding that a
.45 would have while ripping through my skull. I guess this was to
symbolize how age is comparable to wiseness.
Another thing: the credits started to roll up, so I start getting
up and I notice that the lights are still off and nobody else got
up. I ask my girlfriend why, and can you believe, the movie is not
over yet! The credits are rolling by, and you can still see the
actors doing things on the screen, in this case Gangha and Rahul
kissing, looking at flowers, laughing a lot and all that other
mushy stuff love-birds do before they grow sick and tired of each
other.
There is only one special effect: Gangha and the kids are riding
bycicles and singing (of course). You notice a cliff dead-ahead of
them, and everyone stops. Everyone except Gangha, who keeps going,
goes over the cliff and keeps on peddaling towards the sun while
waving back at the happy little kids.
"What's going on here?!" I asked my girlfriend. "Why is she
flying?!"
"To symbolize," my girlfriend answered with a can't-you-tell-by-
yourself? type of tone, "that she is leaving them to go to America."
Of course, I should've known.
What I found interesting to observe was to see how other parts of
the world see "America" ("America," by the way, looks more like BC
(no, not DC, BC It's different). Apparentely wherever the story was
taking place in the New Continent, it would be rappresented by a
large bay with a few cargo ships, and several houses in a relatively
quiet neighbourhood. LasVegas is a nice quiet city that has very
tiny rooms with people betting on an tiny table. Truckers drive
small 4 wheeled trucks on a Toyota chassis. They also give a ride to
the first Indian woman that comes running towards them.
Anyway, the movie follows the typical Indian Bollywood standard:
Girl meets guy, guy meets girl and they get to know each other.
For no apparent reason everyone starts singing happily.
Girl/guy get more sentimentally involved with each other.
Yet another musical so that both characters can express their joy.
Something happens, the two lovers are separated.
Sad song as hero sings and images of his love appear where the moon
should be. If he holds on to a tree or rips her picture on top of a
bridge right before driving away in some remote and unreachable
place, the better.
Something crucial and dramatic (yet expected) happens changing the
whole plot around. Good people turn bad. Bad people turn good. Hero
saves the girl, the day (and his face although he just got the
beating of his life from the bad guy).
Everyone agrees for the two love-birds to marry.
More singing, this time everyone is happier then before.
Credits roll up. Everyone is still happy.
If you get a chance, watch this movie. I suggest however you
choose the subtitled version, unless you have a friend that speaks
Hindi and is willing to translate on the fly. It's a good change
from the usual shat playing lately in the theatres. It's got a good
dosage of humor, love, action (not the type you might expect) and
the usual poetic justice at the end. Worth the Chatnee that spilled
on my pants.
---
1) Kuleshnov effect: the adding of too many goats to a movie.
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5. Observations on the Box Citizen Ruth Came In
By Jason MacIsaac
I just watched an amazing movie called Citizen Ruth. I was going to
write a rave review here, but then I realized that this was
pointless, since the movie's already on video, and maybe me and
Laura Dern have heard of it (Laura Dern plays the lead character). I
was going to use all sorts of cool reviewer phrases like "Ruth is
the main character, but she is only articulate when she is swearing
in rage. We are only given tantalizing glimpses at what her
character is like, feels deep inside, and what happened to make her
life such a mess." I also had "subtle to stinging barbs" and shit
like that all ready to go. But let me get right to the point.
Citizen Ruth is particularly unforgiving satire on the abortion
issue, giving it to Pro-Life and Pro-Choice (whatever you want to
call them) right up the ass. It would have been easy to pick on one
particular side, but the people behind this move realize that
sometimes, neither side of the issue makes a whole hell of a lot of
sense. Oh, shut the fuck up whoever I just pissed off with that last
statement. We'll save that debate for another time. So let me
conclude the review with this: it's a great movie, Laura Dern is an
incredible actress, go rent it. Now let me move on to what I really
want to talk about.
If you're going to take my advice and rent that movie, you might
want to hold off reading this, because there are lots of spoilers.
I was just looking at the cassette box the video came in. I rented
it from Rogers Video. As we all know, there used to be a billion
video stores, all run by different people. Convenience stores, gas
stations, whatever. Now there is only Rogers Video, or Blockbuster.
These stores are great for stocking 4,500 copies of the latest comic
book movie that was in the theatre for two showings, but they're not
so hot if you want to watch something other than a summer
blockbuster of the past five years.
Usually, video stores would put their videos in blank, plain
plastic cases, sometimes with the movie franchise logo all over it.
Then they put the box they came in on the shelf, with a little
plastic tag or something to indicate whether the video is in or not.
Rogers goes a little further than this. They put the empty cardboard
shell on the shelf, with the video in a plastic case behind it. But
they actually write a description on the back of their plastic box.
At first I thought it was the usual bullshit with the description
lifted from the back of the distributor's box, with the usual quotes
from whatever media source they can dig up ("Three thumbs up!" --
Pickering Nuclear Power Plant Newsletter Film Cavalcade & Review). I
actually sat down to read the Rogers box of Citizen Ruth, and
discovered that's not what's there at all. They actually took time
to rate the content themselves, and provide a quick breakdown for
parents. They cover the sex, the drugs, the violence, the
swearing... Here's the breakdown, verbatim:
STORYLINE
Citizen Ruth 319864
After she accidentally becomes pregnant, an indigent, substance-
abusing young woman (Laura Dern) finds herself at the centre of the
abortion war.
Parent's Guide:
Sex/Nudity: In the opening scene, Ruth has sex with a man, mostly
clothed.
Drugs/Alcohol: Ruth drinks too much, sniffs from spray bottles, and
smokes from a bong.
Violence/Scariness: The scenes depicting Ruth's drug habit will be
disturbing to youngsters, as will the issue of abortion; Ruth hits a
little boy.
Objectionable Words/Phrases: About 55
Lesson to Learn: In the abortion war, both sides manipulate the same
woman they claim to protect.
Drama, 1997, Approx. 106 min., Release Date: 06/97, CC, Rating
Pending
For some reason, I find this wonderful. Like a bookstore, I can
spend a whole day in a large video store/rental outlet, checking out
obscure little movie, Grade Z slasher movies, and just how many
sequels can be made out of a kickboxing movie. Now I don't know if
Rogers has done this for every video in the store, but I can't wait
to go back and find out. It blows my mind that someone had to be
paid to sit down, go through this movie, and list the content. I'm
pretty confident that someone did sit through most of the movie.
Sure, you can determine some things about a movie just by looking at
the poster (Hey, I wonder if there's violence in the latest Jackie
Chan movie? There is? Well bugger me), but no press kit I know of
lists "Objectionable Words/Phrases." It blows me away that someone
is paid to sit there and count how many "motherfuckers" are in a
movie, even if it is a rough estimate. Or play with the frame
advance to determine if you can see Laura Dern's breast. Do they get
confused when you can see her nipples through her bra? Does that
count? And what is an objectionable phrase anyway? This movie has 34
objectionable phrases, 35 if you count "Suck my armpit."
I'm thinking of other movies I've seen and wondering with glee what
Rogers has written on the back of the box:
Showgirls -- Sex/Nudity: There is all of five minutes of people
wearing clothes. I've seen pornos that had more wardrobe than this.
Reservoir Dogs -- Objectionable Words/Phrases: About 5,542,678
objectionable words and phrases. There are about 20 non-
objectionable words and phrases.
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn -- Lesson to Learn: Uh...don't fuck
with Captain Kirk?
Fatal Attraction -- Violence/Scariness: Both Michael Douglas and
Glen Close overact a storm. Douglas threatens to remove his clothes
on more than one occasion. Close boils a bunny. What a bitch.
ET -- Drugs/Alcohol: There is no alcohol or drug use in this movie,
but Drew Barrymore turned into a real lush about five minutes after
this movie stopped filming. I could use a good spliff right about
now myself.
Another thing that intrigues me about this system is the complete
lack of critical appraisal. True, whether a movie is any good is a
subjective thing, but so is an objectionable word. Personally, I'd
find it much more useful to know whether a movie is a carefully
concealed piece of shyte rather than whether Eddie Murphy gets to
use the "F" word and "H-E-Double hockey sticks." Of course, if a
movie is a complete travesty (see Can't Stop the Music review,
CapNasty Volume II, Issue 23) and the box lets you know it, you're
not going to rent it. On the other hand, if you're told that you can
see Laura Dern get it on with some guy, that might get you to rent
it, even if it is a piece of garbage. There is also, I'll admit, a
wider divergence of opinion on whether Natural Born Killers is an
original and thought-provoking movie than whether "fuckface" is an
objectionable phrase. Incidentally, Natural Born Killers spanks
major goat penises. Even the original script by Tarantino blew. The
one by Ollie Stone's lads is a billion times worse. Oh, shut the
fuck up whoever I just pissed off with that last statement. We'll
save that debate for another time.
Of course, the danger with this appraisal is that it doesn't tell
you whether the movie is any good. I think that kids should see
movies with sex and violence, provided that there's a larger issue
on hand, and an adult to guide them through it. This rating system
doesn't tell me if the movie has a brain in its head or not. It
doesn't tell me anything truly useful. All I know from reading the
back of this box is that Laura Dern apparently plays a low-life.
Even the Lesson to Learn doesn't really help me. I don't know if
there's a skillful handling of some extremely sensitive issues
(there is). I don't even know if the movie is good for a wank or
two. People are going to rent movies or not, based on these words.
You can't summarize a truly good or even a bad movie in so short a
space, with so few words. People are going to be mislead by these
ratings, and maybe miss something good, or pick up something crap.
That really bothers me.
I'll end this thingee with a few comments on the box's appraisal
of Citizen Ruth (it even fails on its own terms at times). I'll be
spending more time at Rogers, because I have to know what the Lesson
to be Learned is for Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity.
Parent's Guide:
Sex/Nudity: They missed a couple couplings. A young girl gets hot
and heavy with her boyfriend. A woman kisses another woman. There
are a number of scenes were Ruth wears very little clothing, and
poses in a very seductive fashion. The sex act at the beginning of
the movie is actually unerotic; Ruth looks bored out of her skull.
Is this category supposed to be "sexual content?" What about the
vibrator Ruth finds? There is at least one very sexual act referred
to, as well.
Drugs/Alcohol: What, cigarette smoking isn't covered? There's a lot
of this.
Violence/Scariness: Ruth drops a heavy piece of porcelain on
someone's head, and also threatens someone with a gun, but this is
not mentioned. Also, there are a number of threats issued throughout
the movie. Nasty ones. In one scene, Ruth awakens to find herself
bleeding. She's even self-abusive on one occasion. That's scary.
They describe Ruth's drug habit as "scary" but at times it almost
seems comical. And what about violence to property? There's a scene
where Ruth trashes her ex-boyfriend's car.
Objectionable Words/Phrases: What about political messages? Now we
sail into some really unclear waters. Nobody with any kind of a
brain would say that a movie promoting the actions of the Nazis is
anything but objectionable. But what about a situation that isn't so
cut and dried? Both sides in the abortion debate take the matter
very seriously. Neither side is likely to appreciate the picture
presented by Citizen Ruth. Is that considered objectionable?
Lesson to Learn: There are quite a number of things you can learn
from Citizen Ruth, not just the line printed here. Ruth is not a
heroine. At times, she's a thoroughly rotten person. She is very
manipulative, at times even succeeding in manipulating the viewer.
At one point she comes into $15,000. Another character in the movie,
Harlan, who is supposedly on her side when she tentatively decides
to about her fetus, listens to her very ambitious plans with the
money. He tells her that she will blow the money in three days. You
can't help but feel he's right. Ruth may be unredeemable, something
neither side of the issue seems prepared to accept. It's not a very
nice lesson to learn that some people can pass the point of no
return, but it seems likely that Ruth is destined to die of a drug
overdose. There's also lots to be learned about hypocrisy, and how
individuals get lost in the debate of a larger issue. The movie's
messages are lost on this box, because there's just so much going on
this movie (much like any movie), that you can't break it down in a
dozen words or less. This category is where the real injustice is
going on.
I discovered this movie largely by accident. Some people think
that some analysis of the movie is better than none at all. But I
can't shake the feeling that very little good can come of this
system. I'll be checking out more cases at Rogers, so stayed tuned
for another installment.
-------------------------------------------
6. Book of Profound Things
by The alarmingly uneventful Adventures of Rik
This is something from the unfortunately unknown Book of Profound
Things (except chat fights). They are soon to be published on my
website along with Ken the brick and my brothers. All of these games
(except tumblegit) are created by ME, Rik Hughes.
Battleshits! A game for 2 players. The two players both get in a
bath together (preferably covering up the naughty bits with a
flannel or pair of pants) and crap. The first person to get out of
the bath loses.
Stationary eating. The players have to eat pencils. The one who ate
most pencils after 10 minutes wins.
Frighten the elderly game. The players must go to a local zoo or pet
shop and steal something scary (snakes and arachnids are the best)
then place it in an old persons bed. The player who gets the best
reaction wins, hoorah!
The Hospital game. (for 2-4 players) The players go to their local
hospital and each allocate themselves a ward to play on. They must
go to this ward and swap around the patient details. The first
player to cause a death or accident wins, yipee!
Tumblegit (by Dave Wallace) The aim of this game is to run about the
streets with a chainsaw cutting off old mens wooden legs and cutting
their walking sticks in half and timing how long they stagger and
tumble about for. The winner is the player who makes their old man
stumble about the longest.
(these games are highly dangerous and should only be attempted by
people who have been expertly trained in the art of ear picking with
a biro)
Chat Fight. For this game you will need a chat client (such as
Mirc). Go into some chatroom (preferably in America as the americans
are a bit stupid) and pick a fight with someone using the action
commands, eg "bloke pokes a big stick right up yankeetwats nose"
etc. Continue until they 'victim' leaves or you get kicked out.
Great fun! Please do try this out.
Thank you for letting me waste your time with this silly drivel.
Send your comments to: Rik <Rich.h@btinternet.com> or visit
http://www.btinternet.com/~weird.stuff1/Rik1.htm
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The explorer Sojourner took a tour of the rock Yogi, then headed for
Scooby Doo. It's pretty obvious -- women are Venus and Hanna-Barbera
is from Mars.