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' anada "Jason in the Twilight Zone" 23 jan '
' 269 by Jason 2001 '
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Submitted for your approval, this is the story of a young man no
different than you or me. In fact, apart from his stunning good looks,
incredible intelligence, and somewhat unhealthy fixation on arachnids, he is
as normal as anyone. He comes home from his normal job to check his mail
like he normally does. He takes the bundle of envelopes and heads back his
normal apartment little realizing that he has just picked up a credit card
application...
...from the Twilight Zone.
I'll say one thing for the universe. For all of its capriciousness
and cruelty, it sure has a twisted sense of humor. Guess what incredible
curve ball I got this time. Go ahead and guess.
Jeez, it's not THAT bad. Get your damn head out of the gutter.
Allow me to give you a little bit of background. I was not always an
embittered, cynical person. Heck, for the first two weeks I was innocent
and optimistic. Dealing with the largely subhuman peers of my hometown
quickly disabused me of any delusion that people are basically nice and kind
who are just looking for an excuse to do good. The only good those bastards
would ever do is as fertilizer after their dead.
But I still had some hope. After all, I had yet to get a girlfriend.
That changed when I was 18, when I got hooked up with some oversexed
underage human I refer to as my Psycho-ex. I successfully protected my
virtue from that lunatic. Then I was slyly seduced by a friend of 7 years
who ended up literally being a schizophrenic superbitch. I call her my
schizo-ex.
Then came the worst one. I'll give the quick version for those who
know the story: we talked, we screwed, I went to graduate school, and she
got knocked up by some druggy, violent, petty criminal high school dropout,
and I she never gave me the privilege of ditching me. The upshot of all
this is that that is the only time in my life I've ever seriously considered
marrying a chick. No, I didn't even consider marrying Carmen Electra. She
was just a little too wild for me.
I was lucky, I guess. God help me, I could have ended up like my
PARENTS. Sure, I can be the MVP Monday morning quarterback for winning the
Hindsight Bowl today, but back then I could have easily envisioned myself as
marrying that chick. I know in retrospect what a fool for love I was. She
gave more warning signs than Mt. Vesuvius, but I was a total sucker for her
sweet-talk. Heck, I was like one of those authority figures in a monster
movie who is in denial about Godzilla tearing toward the city until he can
smell the reptile's athlete's foot. Her name was Alison, although I refer
to her as my Ex-girlfriend-turned-evil-backstabbing-'ho.
So there I was, going through my mail like I do any other day. Then
I saw it. It was a credit card application, but that was hardly a surprise.
When you have credit as awesome as mine, everybody wants to give you money.
It was the name on it. It was addressed to Alison Hall. Hall, of course,
is MY surname.
What the heck? Did this slip through some alternate dimension? Did
I get too drunk some night and REALLY marry her and neither of us
remembered? Is it some sick joke? Those of a lesser mind would claim that
it is fate insisting that my destiny lies with her, my One True Love. Ugh.
Just the thought of that makes me want to puke.
The universe was sending a message alright. It was reminding that it
hates me and that I had better stay on my toes.
No, I didn't apply for the card. Maybe I should... Hmmm....
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` anada269 by Jason (c) 2001 anada e'zine `