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anada "Jason on #
212 Invisibility" +### +### +#### +###
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2000 .+#################################################################.net
So this past weekend my parents braved the treacherous journey across
the wild Appalachian Mountains to visit me, their firstborn son and the
grandest creation of the Universe yet to be conceived. I did all I could to
throw them off my trail, too. It wasn't too bad, though. I got to go
digging around for family skeletons, trading barbs with my little brother,
and trading dick jokes with my high-brow clan. The height of my perversion
was reached when we went to a classy Japanese restaurant and a noticed a
quite attractive waitress. "Hay baby," I said when I was a safe distance
and far to quietly for anyone but my family to hear, "I've got a fat man for
your Nagasaki!" I followed this up with, "How'd you like to re-enact Pearl
Harbor, except this time I've got the torpedo?" I tried a few more, but
those were the best.
I can't believe I don't have a girlfriend. I guess chicks just don't
like a guy with a sense of humor.
So anyway, the combination of free-range humor and having recently
seen _Hollow Man_ led to the discussion of the silliness and gross
impractibility of invisibility. I first looked at it in practical terms.
I figured that as you ate and old cells sloughed off, you would gradually
replace all of the invisible atoms with visible ones. Water would be a
particular problem, since it's expelled and replaced at a very fast rate.
Sure it's colorless, but also refractive, so you'd show up as a glistening
person-shaped glob of water. That would look cool. My more artistic and
not nearly as cognitively-oriented brother insisted that the food and water
would magically stay visible as it passed through, atoms being sucked into
the body turning invisible and ones being expelled becoming visible. Pure
bullshit (if you'll pardon the pun), but even if it were possible, you
wouldn't be able to do anything until it was completely out of your system,
so you'd have to quit eating for two solid days, and that assumes there were
no floaters still in your gut! Not really worth it, especially since all I
would do is sneak into the chick's locker room.
Other problems: As you walk around in the buff, you'll gradually
accumulate a shell of dirt and dust the second you stepped out of the shower
and dried off, so you'd never be completely invisible. You also have the
problem with your eyes. Your cones and rods have to absorb light to
interpret it, but if light goes right through, you'd be effectively blind.
So you're invisible, AND blind! What good would that be?
Let's assume that complete invisibility as portrayed in _Hollow Man_
is possible, that the body makes all ingested atoms invisible, too. It
raises some interesting lifestyle problems. Hair would be interesting.
Shaving wouldn't be too bad, but it would be kinda hard. Haircuts would be
impossible. "Why would my haircut matter?" you ask. Well, I guess it
wouldn't. You would, however, be constantly growing and cutting off
INVISIBLE HAIR! I can see it now, when you plug up the drain with invisible
gunk and people can't see any problem.
More importantly, though, assuming that your food becomes invisible,
how the hell would you wipe your ass?? I don't suppose you'd notice any of
the invisible racing stripes in your underwear, but I'd definitely prefer to
have a clean ass. Also, how would I know I did a good job brushing my
teeth? Would the gunk show? If I had a head cold, it would be refreshing
to be able to blow my nose anywhere I wanted and not have anybody tell me to
use a tissue. What about the bacteria in your gut? Have you just created
an invisible strain of bacteria? What about fingernails? What about
sunburn? What about tattoos? What if you need surgery? What if you knock
some chick up?
What if you DIE? People will smell something REALLY nasty, but not
have any idea where it's coming from until the flies led them to it. Would
the maggots feeding off of your invisible flesh be invisible? Would that
cause a horde of invisible flies? Would your bones be sitting there
forever, invisible?
I think I'd rather just be rich.
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anada212 by Jason (c) 2000
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