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. . . . . . . . . . "This Is About You... What Else Is New?"
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. . . . . . . . . . . . . . by AphexTwin23
. . w w w . a n a d a . n e t . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Hmm... yes well... now to dish out one of my several problems to no
one that cares. I figure... hey... my friends have heard me ramble on about
nothing enough times that maybe I should just write it down here. I mean,
although no one that reads this is going to give a fuck, at least I can have
the pure entertainment of polluting their minds with my filth.
Muhahahahaha.
At any rate. This person shall rename nameless because he or she
pretty much is in your eyes. Shall we just name this person SHE? Yes. SHE
falls deeper into a depression, confused as to why this guy won't love HER
anymore. SHE wants to die and leaves me to go get professional help in a
closed in hospital facility. Fun. SHE's my best friend and I fall silently
into depression with HER because SHE means more to me than I mean to myself.
If that makes sense.
So SHE shows up at school a week later, finally, and I am so happy to
see HER but then SHE tells me she's moving away in less than 3 hours. This
is where I fall apart. I deteriorate right into the ground, right there in
front of HER, in front of everyone. The tears fall down my face as if an
ocean is flowing out of my eyes. I am so confused... I don't know what to
do. SHE is everything to me. SHE always has been. We've gone through
everything together... so why can't we just go through life together too?
And so I leave school... I can't handle being there. Being watched
by so many uninterested yet curious people. I go to HER home. I sit there
on HER bed watching HER pack her whole life into boxes... packing a part of
me to ship away to another life. To a new life. A new beginning yet a new
end. SHE tells me not to worry, that'll all be ok, that I still have
everyone else. But I soon find that this isn't true. And with this SHE
leaves.
This leaves me with about 4 more months of tortorous hell. And it
becomes worse because I am now alone. I know realize what's been going on
my whole life. I begin to see how blind I was not to notice who every one
really is. Who they've always been. I begin to find out the truth. In
more ways than one. I even come to see HER as being a different person than
what I thought. I begin to come out of my narrow scope of reality.
I am in a cloud of stupor for about a month after SHE leaves me. I
walk around in a daze not caring about anything. Not even HER. I think
I've reached rock bottom. I go to a supposed therapist. I tell her how
close I am to losing it... and this is what she tells me. "It's just a
phase that all teenagers go through". Yeah right that's FUCKING IT! I now
see how horrible and stupid and fucking ignorant people really are.
Therapist my ass. Fucking bitch. I am my own therapist from now on. It's
quite humorous. I diagnose myself as being antisocial and bipolar. I take
other's prescriptions. yay.
I fall into a pointless relationship. Probably just to be comforted.
I don't feel much for him, except a strong friendship. Or so I thought.
All good things must come to an end. And so it did. And now he doesn't
like me either.
My grades go downhill. I become obsessed with nothing other than
doing drugs. Oh... this is my last joint. This is a special occasion. I
won't do it again, I promise. This shit'll kill me. Oh I didn't mean that,
it was the drugs... Yes I've said it all... and now look at me... I'm a 15
year old running my car off this cliff into addiction. I go to meetings
now.
I begin to realize I don't have any real friends. They only wanted
to be with HER not me. Oh no... it's never been about me. It's always been
about HER. SHE was always the important one... important to HERself and
important to everyone around HER. Never me, though. I was nonexistent...
just her bitch. Just her tagalong. Fuck that. I see who SHE's really been
all along. Conceited, Narrowmindind, Immature, Attention Striving,
Sarcastic, Stubborn, Non Respectful, little BIT... wait a minute... this is
your "best" friend you're talking about.
Why am I thinking this? Yes... HER unexpected move taught me many
things in life. Mostly bad and mostly good. Oh I hate myself now because
SHE doesn't care anymore. SHE has her own friends, HER own support, HER own
life. I'm just part of HER past. I think I'll cry myself to sleep now.
Yay. Summer comes. SHE's moving back. !!!??? Should I be happy or
not? I don't know. I don't know anymore. I found my own friends too...
see... I'm not a loser anymore!!!! Haha. Look at me... Now I'm the
important one and you're left alone. I'm such a fucking bitch!!!!
And now we come to today. Me and HER have now remembered what old
times used to be like. So it's all cool. Except I see Reality. And I hold
my thoughts to myself now because SHE takes them the wrong way and would
never understand.
All my friends, once again, have abandoned me. Why, I ask myself,
are friends such an important role in my life? Because I have a Fear of
being alone again. I know what it's like... I've been in the dark most of
my life... I don't want to live through hell again.
And so I meet a great person. HE talks to me. HE listens. HE seems
to care. Hey fuck... HE even respects me, understands me, and hasn't used
me yet. Hasn't slapped me across the face and told me to go fuck myself.
Ahh... HE better not turn out to be an asshole too. HE's a good person,
makes me laugh, makes me smile, makes me feel whole. HE helps me come out
of my corner and open up, HE's a lot of fun, I feel like a good person when
I'm with HIM. I feel as though someone cares. I feel there's at least one
person out there. HE's everything I look for in a person. HE's a good
friend. And oh no... HE's probably going to read this. So let it happen.
Ah yes... sounds like I want something more doesn't it? That's what it
sounds like to everyone. Well no... I don't think so. Not now... not now.
I don't want to allow myself to like anyone already. No... relationships,
friendships, people... they fuck you up too much. Mentally. No... I'm
happy with the way things are.
I'm sick of writing, ranting, being me.
. . w w w . a n a d a . n e t . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. anada 119 by AphexTwin23 (c)2000 anada e'zine .
. . w w w . a n a d a . n e t . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .