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A A N N A A D D A A
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A "Pre-Sleep" aNAda #44 A
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A by Phairgirl 04/16/00 A
A A
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"Each time I write lines for it,
Someone improvises it.
Life is so much cleaner on the page."
--Kevin Moore
Dammit... it's only 4am.
I stare blankly at the computer screen for yet another night, hoping
someone will crawl out of the woodwork and perpetuate some kind of
conversation, anything to keep me interested and busy so that I don't feel
the urge to try and sleep. It's pretty tricky, the whole coming-home-from-
work-at-3am thing, since not wanting to lay down and trying to keep busy are
both quite difficult at that hour. Sometimes it works. Sometimes I have to
turn away with my head hung low, no longer able to resist the evil
temptations of trying to sleep.
There really isn't much to do to keep occupied until that inevitable
6am rolls around, and my eyes are finally too heavy to reopen, and I have to
drag myself through the kitchen to my bedroom and crash quickly and quietly.
However, I can't stand the thought of having it any other way. Sometimes
there's a movie showing late on some crazy pay-channel, sometimes there's an
interesting conversation online that keeps me satisfied, occasionally I have
a new magazine to read or a crazy project to divert excess energy. But when
there isn't, when I'm forced by nothing but boredom to turn in early, that's
when I hope I'm much more tired than I feel.
Either way, it all ends up the same: I round up a cat or four, change
into sleeping apparel, turn off all the lights and things and curl up under
the blankets. Eventually, I have to turn off my lamp and wait for sleep to
hit. Of course, I prolong this as much as I can. Every cat happy, check;
no clothes left on the floor, check; got a good CD to play as I drift off,
check; ANYTHING ELSE I CAN POSSIBLY THINK OF;..... finally, check. Lights
out. And that's when the fun begins.
First I lay on my back. Then I lay on one side. Then a cat comes up
to be pet. Then I lay on the other side. Then I lay on the other side
again. Then I lay on my stomach. Then I lay on my other other side. Et
cetera. And at some point in all of this trying-to-get-comfortable
business, even with a good CD playing and a cute kitty purring in my face,
my mind keeps wandering to places that I don't want to visit.
In fact, it amazes me, the insanity of the human condition with which
I bother myself. I'm not a socialite, and I'm certainly not on the prowl,
but for some reason, when I'm trying to sleep, all I can do is wish that
someone was next to me. And that's such a crazy, violent thought when I'm
awake, because I've only been happy when I've been alone. It's a duality
that I don't care to deal with in the waking hours, something I'd rather
shove back into the recesses of nothingness that aren't seen, and therefore,
don't exist.
When I'm awake, actually, all of this kind of makes me laugh. It
sounds like something written by a crazy woman. I mean, I'm the first
person to yell and scream that relationships are awful, horrible beasts, and
that people should be more self-sufficient and less dependent on others to
make them feel happy. In fact, it wasn't until I came to that realization
myself that I was ever able to cope with things that life threw at me. And
it's a tenet that I hold so dear that I don't ever want to claim that I
would need otherwise.
But when I'm attempting to sleep, in that awful lag time before I
have finally drifted off, things cross my mind that I would never, ever
admit to the real world. Crazy obsessions, crushes, conversations,
everything. It's miserable, lying there, wanting so much that I can never
bring myself to actualize, not even on my brightest, happiest day. I live
out my dreams as I lie there, my imagination running wild. And every time,
it ends up the same: I fall asleep, and in the morning, I wake up again.
You know, life is so much simpler if you don't care about anyone, and
nobody cares about you. There's no worries in the world when you have
nobody to think about but yourself, and you don't have to deal with anyone
thinking about you. You can have all the secrets in the world, and it
doesn't matter, because there's nobody from which to keep them and nobody to
tell. Simple. Easy.
...empty.
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{ (c)2000 aNAda e'zine * * aNAda044 * by Phairgirl }
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