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------------------------------------------------------------------------- Addendum URL: http://www.adden.tr.cx/ issue# 81 : Home surgery 16th July 2002 Author: Steak ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A practical approach to home surgery on a infected ingrown toe nail DiSCLAMER: OK, this file is fun ok, it's what I did to myself one night when I couldn�t stand the pain any more, I am in no way saying that you should do this, I am not a medical doctor, I have no qualifications and I don't know whether what I did was safe or not. You should BY NO MEANS follow the advice I give here, its just my way of telling you what I did. if you do go and be a stupid idiot and follow these instructions and get an infection and you have to have your tow amputated or your foot cut off then don't come crying to me ok, it's not my fault you followed a stupid text file that some guy (me) wrote at 5am on a cold winters night and was to tired to know what the word sense meant. in short, DO NOT UNDER ANY CiRCUMSTANCES ATTEMPT ANYTHiNG YOU READ HERE AT HOME, OR ANYWHERE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER. its just fun Now that�s out of the way, on with the file!! --- When you get a ingrown toenail there is usually a good amount of pusy shit that collects itself underneath the skin just where the toenail makes entry into the flesh, it is the most painful here and this is this part of the infection that I decided one night to remove. i am stupid, this is a given fact. Materials needed: Lint bandage padding : Comes in those paper sterile bags Plaster tape : Comes in those cylindrical plastic or metal containers Antiseptic : Cream, spray or ointment Paper towels : For the occasional spout of blood Saliva : Your own, I'll come to this later Rolled up news paper : To bite down on A complete disregard for bodily safety: This is a must Tools: Any tools are fair game in a home surgery, tweezers, pliers, bolt croppers, hacksaws, scissors, knifes, teeth fingers, the corner of a piece of paper or sharp sticks. I would highly recommend that you sterilize EVERYTHING, just to be sure. Step 1 You will need to prepare the infected area for amputation, I recommend that you wash area clean with hot water and anti bacterial soap then dry thoroughly. Clean hands and sterilize any instruments you will be using. I also recommend those plastic latex gloves, first because it will cut down the risk of infection when opening up the wound, and secondly because they feel really good on the skin, this does not make me a pervert =] Step 2 Lay foot out in front of you and have the paper towels ready, build up courage here as you are about to feel hurt and pain for a few days, some nice soothing music might be a good idea at this point. Step 3 Dig in. Try any way possible to pull, cut, barge or force that skin and flesh off your body. This is going to hurt, big time. Bite down hard on your news paper, and get ready to catch any drips of blood that escape with the paper towels as blood stains can be kind of hard to remove, and if you by any chance get caught up in any murder investigations, then it an be quite a hassle when they find blood stains around you room (inside joke) Be careful to discard any surplus flesh in the proper waste repository, don't feed it to your cat, it won�t be thankful. How to cope with the pain. 1. Chant or sing, keep your mind totally focused on the chant while pulling those persistent bits off, this can ease the pain slightly. 2. imagine, try to imagine you are in a nice soothing place, concentrate one hundred percent on a nice soothing image and try to take the feeling of pain away. This is a little like guided meditation 3. Do not think of the following words Flesh, Pain, Blood, Fire, Serum, Needle, Scalpel, or anything else to do with general pain and hurt. 3. Anesthetic, apply your own saliva to the wound, saliva is a mild but slightly effective natural anesthetic and will take a little of the pain away. I have heard that being drunk is a good anesthetic, it is what they used to give you before proper anesthetics were available, however I would not recommend it seeing as you are the one doing the surgery and if you are so drunk you cannot feel pain then you are probably too drunk to o surgery on yourself. Step 4 After the area has been amputated, wash clean again with the antibacterial soap (this will hurt, again) and apply the antiseptic, in lavish quantities then bandage with the lint and try and keep the foot off the ground for about a week. With any luck in a few days the pain will subside and you will start to feel better. Tune in next week when we provide a home medical guide to performing Brian surgery on yourself and your loved ones. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Addendum (C) Steak July 2002 -------------------------------------------------------------------------