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I Don't Kill Spiders So Much

They give me the creeps, I can't deny. I try not to pass my irrational fears on to my kids, but there's only so far you can go before they say "pick it up daddy!"

I don't want to hurt it, I say. Let me get the little hoover.

Now, I used to use the big hoover - a Dyson with so much suction that there's no hope of survival. I now use a little hand-held thingy that pretty much just sucks them inside with the force of a moderate wind, after which they run around the dust like a toddler in a ball-pool. Then they're left to fend for themselves, somewhere sheltered outside.

My daughter spotted a tin of chemical bug-killer on the shelf, with 'dead spider' imagery on the label. Her disappointment in me was palpable. Ouch!

Since then, I've slowly grown to like small spiders. Some of them are actually quite cute - perfectly balanced little creatures with a kind of machine-like aesthetic beauty.

But not the common house spider. They still have a horrible symmetry and they still creep me out. We're now entering spider season here in the UK, and the big ones are on the prowl for a mate. I've had one big enough that I could hear pitter patter on an A4 sheet of paper on the floor.

No spider should be audible in such a way!

So, I'm now forced to tolerate these monsters just to avoid the inner guilt of disappointing my daughter. That's love for you.

Footnotes:

1. I don't buy Dyson any more because the company owner is a hypocritical dick who campaigned for the UK to leave the EU as he offshored his wealth and moved his company abroad for tax benefits. He had already shifted manufacturing operations to Malaysia. I now resent paying through the nose for that little hand-held thing that was never really well designed, the only saving grace is that it's feeble enough to catch spiders without hurting them!

2. My feigning bravery has at least paid off. The kids are not bother about bugs like I am, and my eldest son has held a tarantula, made up parcels of locusts for meerkats, and my youngest had a woodlouse that he was planning to take into bed with him to cuddle(!) Fortunately I discovered in time.