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⬅️ Previous capture (2021-11-30)
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As a general warning this is a post about living with trauma & suicidality
So one of those things that's strange to talk about because, understandably, it tends to make people get panicked but if you can't talk about strange, personal, dark topics on the small internet where can you?
I live with a kind of low-key chronic suicidality. Most people who had childhoods like mine do. I've only seriously attempted a couple of times in my life and those came from a very different kind of place, a kind of immediate acute desperation. What I'm talking about is more like living with a small voice in your ear constantly telling you that the whole world would be better off without you, a quiet persistent "wouldn't it be nice to just be done with it all, for good?".
I wonder if chronic illness like this is one of the inspirations for demons and troubling spirits, given how badly it feels like something outside you is telling you things you don't want to believe, you feel like you *don't* believe on some level?
It starts to feel almost like having a dual consciousness. On one hand, you're looking at your future and thinking about all the things you want to do, are striving for, and the good things about your life. On the other is the low-grade pointlessness of your existence, the futility of all your efforts. You learn to strive, to try, regardless of that small voice even though it never goes away.
And I guess what I find frustrating is that I think there's not a lot of space to talk with people about feeling like this. People ask you "how're you doing?" and you definitely, absolutely, cannot say something like "I kinda think I should die, but that's usual". You try to talk about it online and you're in danger of someone who barely knows you calling the cops on you thinking they're being helpful.
So instead, you just end up bottling it up or whispering about it to people you know you can trust. That's so much worse than being able to talk honestly about how you're feeling. Feeling trapped and alone is one of the things that makes that small voice whispering to you louder, and louder, until it becomes something far more dangerous.
What about you, dear reader? Do you live with these kinds of feelings? Do you know people who do?