💾 Archived View for clemat.is › saccophore › library › ebooks › bofh › newbofh › bofh8nov.txt captured on 2022-01-08 at 14:14:28.
⬅️ Previous capture (2021-12-03)
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TThhee BBaassttaarrdd OOppeerraattoorr FFrroomm HHeellll
TThhee BBaassttaarrdd OOppeerraattoorr FFrroomm HHeellll ddiisslliikkeess hhiiss bboossss''ss uussee ooff ffoouull llaanngguuaaggee
......
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I'm not impressed. The Boss has just said the "C" word, and with no
provocation either.
"What did you say?", I ask, still not believing what my ears tell me I'm
hearing.
"Oh, don't put on the shocked look. I thought you'd enjoy having a
consultant to play with; it'll take your mind off annoying the users."
Me?? Annoy users?
"So when is our new friend coming then?"
"First thing after lunch"
Yes, that should give me enough time.
"And might I ask who ... errr ... 'invited' him?"
"Well, the Finance Director did actually. He's worried that we're open
to hacking, and that people might get at confidential and potentially
damaging financial information, so it was decided that an outside
opinion was the best thing. In fact, the FD recommended this chap
himself".
Ah, I knew the bean-counters had to have a hand in it somewhere. I've
known for some time just how much they spend on hotels for "one-to-one
briefings", but one wouldn't want just _anyone_ to know, would one?
"And how much is he charging?"
The number quoted by the boss closely resembles a telephone number. I
wonder ...
No time to lose. First thing is to shift a bit of kit around the
building; that doesn't take more than half an hour, so I'm soon on-line
with that password I found recently. Ah, just as I suspected ... now,
just a quick Email (anonymous, of course) to the Personnel people ...
Just then, the new arrival knocks and waits to be asked before entering.
He's obviously come across electrified doorhandles in his career. The
Boss strides confidently in after him.
"Good afternoon,", spouts the Boss cheerily. I get the feeling it's
going to be. "Welcome to our machine room. Let me introduce Simon, our
BOFH"
Nice firm handshake, but a little sweaty; he didn't ask what BOFH stands
for, so he's obviously used to accepting acronyms he's never heard of
without flinching.
"Simon will show you around", adds the Boss. "Can you present your
preliminary report to the CEO and myself last thing this afternoon?"
"Certainly. And don't worry about showing me around; I've been in setups
like this before".
Oh, no, you haven't ...
He heads off in the direction of the comms room, and I wait for the
scream. Silence. Must be wearing rubber-soled shoes ... this guy knows
what he's doing.
I busy myself with the tasks of the day, and wonder what he's up to. He
certainly seems to be spending a long time in there looking at the
firewall, which is reassuring - while he's playing with that, he can't
be buggering something else up. I put the coffee pot on, sit back, and
watch the CCTV monitor ... now ... all we have to do is wait ...
I remotely drop the main hub from the management console, and the alarm
pierces not only the dull hum of the air conditioning but also probably
one of his eardrums.
"WHAT'S THAT ALARM MEAN?" he shouts over the alarm.
I silence the alarm with an accurately thrown manual
"WHAT DID YOU TOUCH?"
"NOTHING ... HONEST" - a standard admission of guilt.
Obviously deaf as a post. Nice bonus. I stride into the comms room and
grab a bunch of unconnected wires. Okay, they have never been connected
to anything, ever, but this is a minor detail.
"So what the hell are these?"
"Pardon?"
"I SAID, WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE?"
"I ... THINK I'LL JUST GO LOOK AT THE REMOTE BRIDGES"
Five o'clock comes, and we're all sat in the CEO's office. Me, the FD,
the CEO, the Boss, and our aurally-challenged friend who is shouting his
report so he can hear himself.
"... SO WITH SUCH DISORGANISED CABLING AND A SIXTY-GRAND FIREWALL WHICH
IS KNOWN THROUGHOUT THE WORLD TO LEAK LIKE A SIEVE, YOUR NETWORK IS FULL
OF HOLES. WHOEVER PUT THIS KIT IN IS AN IMBECILE".
The CEO looks at me.
"Well?"
"Well, sir," (creeping usually helps), "I wonder if I might just explain
a few facts. First, the cabling arrangements weren't helped by our
colleague here and his size-tens; didn't you hear the alarm when he trod
on something important? Second, I didn't actually order that firewall".
"So who did?"
All eyes turn to the Boss, who remembers an important appointment and
dashes out with panic in his eyes. One down, two to go.
"One thing". I look at the CEO. "How long was our consultative associate
in your office for this afternoon?".
"Well, I hadn't seen him before this meeting. Why?"
"Because our active firewall is in that data closet over there," I
answer, waving toward a door in the corner of the office, "so unless our
friend here had been sitting in your room for a couple of hours or so
there's no way he could have evaluated our security. Perhaps he just
invented a damning report so we could pay him to 'fix' our security on
top of the fat consultation fee. That's fraud, isn't it?".
"But what about the firewall in the comms room?", asks a worried-looking
consultant.
"Oh, well, when the Boss ordered it I thought I'd better put it
somewhere, even though as you rightly say it's no good at all; after
all, he could lose his job for blowing sixty grand on something that
just sat in the cardboard box, so I thought I'd help him out. Didn't you
notice it wasn't connected to the LAN?"
A few choice words from the CEO, detailing where he thought he might
insert the cheque for the consulation fee, and our numbers are again
decremented.
BONG!
The silence is broken by the CEO's PC telling him he has new mail. I
know this has to be from Personnel (I filtered everything else to /dev/
null earlier lest this message get lost among a flood of trivia). I
excuse myself, reasoning that I probably couldn't keep a straight face
as the CEO inquired of the FD whether he thought that a director who
employs a crooked consultant who happens to be married to his sister
could possibly stay in office.
As I sit by my console and gaze out of the window, I see our ex-FD drop
the contents of his ex-desk all over the car park as Security body-
search him for the keys of his company Jag. On-line registers of births,
deaths and marriages are a wonderful thing ...
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