💾 Archived View for clemat.is › saccophore › library › ebooks › bofh › newbofh › bofh26jun.txt captured on 2022-01-08 at 14:13:14.
⬅️ Previous capture (2021-12-03)
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TThhee BBaassttaarrdd OOppeerraattoorr ffrroomm HHeellll ssuuffffeerrss ffrroomm ssoommee tteemmppoorraarryy tteelleepphhoonnee
ttrroouubbllee ......
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"We might have a little problem with the UPS", the PFY calls as he
passes, indicating with a sneaky nod the comms room. I grab the laptop
with the UPS diagnostics on it and follow him.
Having no real need for the laptop I slip it onto the floor as soon as
I'm inside and "stress test" any listening devices that may have been
"accidentally" left there by the boss by inserting my pen into the
cooling fan at the rear of the UPS
"What's the problem?" I ask, shouting over the noise of a plastic
ballpoint being buzzed away by the heftiest cooling fins in the room.
"The boss has found out about the help line" he shouts, looking around
warily, expecting capture and torture at any moment.
Oh dear. A great little money spinner that too. A reasonably simple idea
in theory - automatically divert every newly disconnected phone in the
company to an 0898 number which gives you sound computing advice.
Advice like "Your problem sounds like inadequate air cooling. The only
possible solution is to water cool your computer. Go to the water
fountain..." etc. Amazing how many calls a person receives once they
leave - at 99p a minute - and yet more amazing how many phones don't
have forwarding toll-bars.
As quickly as possible I ring the 0898 people and reluctantly shout to
them that we wish to discontinue the service, then get the cheque sent
on to my accountant under my little-known pseudonym of "Deceased". (no
first or middle initials - Great for tax purposes). The figure they
mention cheers the PFY and me up though. Obviously more calls than I'd
imagined.
"How did they find out?" I ask
"I think I might have keyed in a typo the last disconnect and got a live
one instead" the PFY confesses, with a due amount of trepidation.
Forgiveness being the key in times of crisis, I figure we bide our time
looking like we're fixing the UPS until the Boss can't take it any more.
Minutes later the boss bursts in full tilt to collect what his listening
device can't and collects my laptop with his shoe instead. His tardy
reflexes divert his shoe mid-stomp so that he catches the side of it,
flipping open its cover and sending him hurtling face first into a comms
rack.
Nasty.
"Oooh" the PFY mutters, "I bet that hurt".
The look on the boss's face as he roughly extricates himself from the
dangling cables confirms this guess..
"What the hell are you doing in here?" he snarls, dabbing at his grazed
facials with his handkerchief
"Just checking out this noisy fan. It looks serious", I say, giving it a
hefty jab out of his sight for old times sake.
Did I say old time's sake? I meant last time's sake. The fan, having had
enough of the extra load of my pen, stops completely, emitting nothing
but a tiny >click< and shuddering to a halt.
"BLOODY HELL!" the boss shouts over the UPS alarm, which is no mean feat
considering it's made to be heard through the sound-proofed wall.
"SWITCH IT OVER T...o the other unit" he finishes as I press the Alarm
Silence button
"There's not much chance of that", the PFY calls, bringing over the
shredded remains of the laptop, the condition of which would seem to
have got a lot worse in the last few seconds.
"Sorry about that", he says, "but someone left a cable laying on the
ground ..."
We turn to the boss.
" ...which I tripped over."
"Well it's too late for that - get another one!" the boss shouts, self-
preservation at the management meeting key in his mind.
"We can't", I chip in. "The backup's got a dead hard-drive that you
wouldn't let us replace", I add, applying a recent situation to my
advantage.
"Whew!" The PFY mutters, "wouldn't want to be in your shoes. It won't
look at all good that - your budget being the cause a site outage ..."
"A SITE OUTAGE!?!" the boss gasps.
"Well, you did say that all faulty UPS units in the comms cupboards
should replaced with a feed from the central UPS to cut costs ...", I
add
The boss gets that hunted look.
"All right, what do you want?"
"I think you already know that", I smile, benevolently. Or is that
malevolently, I always get those two mixed up.
Ten minutes later I have the printed copies of his telephone enquiry as
well as the photocopies he hid in the safe just in case.
I pop back to the UPS as it's nearing its temperature cut-out point and
demonstrate how simple it is to manually reset a fan circuit breaker ...
It's funny how things work out for the best, isn't it?
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