💾 Archived View for clemat.is › saccophore › library › ebooks › bofh › bofh › bofh1.txt captured on 2022-01-08 at 14:10:05.
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TThhee BBaassttaarrdd OOppeerraattoorr FFrroomm HHeellll
BBaassttaarrdd OOppeerraattoorr FFrroomm HHeellll ##11
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It's backup day today so I'm pissed off. Being the BOFH, however, does
have it's advantages. I reassign null to be the tape device - it's so
much more economical on my time as I don't have to keep getting up to
change tapes every 5 minutes. And it speeds up backups too, so it can't
be all bad can it? Of course not.
A user rings
"Do you know why the system is slow?" they ask
"It's probably something to do with..." I look up today's excuse "..
clock speed"
"Oh" (Not knowing what I'm talking about, they're satisfied) "Do you
know when it will be fixed?"
"Fixed? There's 275 users on your machine, and one of them is you. Don't
be so selfish - logout now and give someone else a chance!"
"But my research results are due in tommorrow and all I need is one page
of Laser Print.."
"SURE YOU DO. Well, you just keep telling yourself that buddy!" I hang
up.
You'd really think people would learn not to call..
The phone rings. It'll be him again, I know. That annoys me. I put on a
gruff voice
"HELLO, SALARIES!"
"Oh, I'm sorry, I've got the wrong number"
"YEAH? Well what's your name buddy? Do you know WASTED phone calls cost
money? DO YOU? I've got a good mind to subtract your wasted time, my
wasted time, and the cost of this call from your weekly wages! IN FACT I
WILL! By the time I've finished with you, YOU'LL OWE US money! WHAT'S
YOUR NAME - AND DON'T LIE, WE'VE GOT CALLER ID!!"
I hear the phone drop and the sound of running feet - he's obviously
going to try and get an alibi by being at the Dean's office. I look up
his username and find his department. I ring the Dean's secretary.
"Hello?" she answers
"Hi, SIMON, B.O.F.H. HERE, LISTEN, WHEN THAT GUY COMES RUNNING INTO YOUR
OFFICE IN ABOUT 10 SECONDS, CAN YOU GIVE HIM A MESSAGE?"
"I think so..." she says
"TELL HIM `HE CAN RUN, BUT HE CAN'T HIDE'"
"Um. Ok"
"AND DON'T FORGET NOW, I WOULDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT THAT
FILE IN YOUR ACCOUNT WITH YOUR ANSWERS TO THE PURITY TEST IN IT..."
I hear her scrabbling at the terminal...
"DON'T BOTHER - I HAVE A COPY. BE A GOOD PERVY AND PASS THE MESSAGE
ON.."
She sobs her assent and I hang up. And the worst thing is, I was just
guessing about the purity test thing. I grab a quick copy anyway, it
might make for some good late-night reading.
Meantime backups have finished in record time, 2.03 seconds. Modern
technology is wonderful, isn't it?
Another user rings.
"I need more space" he says
"Well, why not move to Texas?" I ask
"No, on my account, stupid."
Stupid? Uh-Oh..
"I'm terribly sorry" I say, in a polite manner equal to that of Jimmy
Stewart in a Weekend Family Matine Feature "I didn't quite catch that.
What was it that you said?"
I smell the fear coming down the line at me, but it's too late, he's a
goner and he knows it.
"Um, I said what I wanted was more space on my account, *please*"
"Sure, hang on"
I hear him gasp his relief even though he'd covered the mouthpeice.
"There, you've got *plenty* of space now!"
"How much have I got?" he simps
Now this *REALLY* *PISSES* *ME* *OFF*! Not only do they want me to give
them extra space, they want to check it, then correct me if I don't give
them enough! They should be happy with what I give them *and that's it*!
Back into Jimmy Stewart mode.
"Well, let's see, you have 4 Meg available"
"Wow! Eight Meg in total, thanks!" he says, pleased with his bargaining
power
"No" I interrupt, savouring this like a fine red at room temperature,
with steak, extra rare, to follow; "4 Meg in total.."
"Huh? I'd used 4 Meg already, How could I have 4 Meg Available?"
I say nothing. It'll come to him.
"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggghhhhhH!"
I kill me; I really do!
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