💾 Archived View for clemat.is › saccophore › library › ebooks › bofh › bofh › bofb1.txt captured on 2022-01-08 at 14:10:07.
⬅️ Previous capture (2021-12-03)
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TThhee BBaassttaarrdd OOppeerraattoorr FFrroomm HHeellll
TThhee BBaassttaarrdd OOppeerraattoorr FFrroomm BBrriittaaiinn ##11
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......
"...I'd like to escalate this call please.."
"I'm sorry?" I can't help but be a little surprised at this guy's tone.
"I'd like to escalate the severity of this call. Surely a person in your
situation is aware of the new International Standard regarding fault
logging and tracking..."
He's obviously insane. There's no other reason why he'd call me this
early on a monday afternoon, as soon as I've got to work...
"What was your username?"
He tells me, and some all-too-familiar key clicking noises follow. I
notice his account has the pervert flag set, and yet he has no gif files
in his directory - which can only mean one thing....
"Now, this escalation business, you want me to increase the priority
with which I'll handle this call?"
"Yes!"
"Tell you what, I'll double it" I say, in gentle, soothing tones
"Good" he mutters
"...Now, twice nothing is nothing, and because it's an ESCALATED
priority call, it goes into the RED rubbish bin instead of the brown
one."
"WHAT!" he screams "DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO?!?!"
"Well, I could look up your username and find out, but we deal with so
many people here. Your name wouldn't mean anything. Not unless we'd seen
you doing something *really* depraved on one of our hidden security
cameras - you know the sort that were destined to be put in the
computing labs to stop piracy, but actually got put in toilet cubicles
after the installation order got corrupted somewhere between the
purchasing office and the maintenance department. A freak electrical
storm maybe... Anyway, unless you'd done something really disgusting
that got caught on film...
...like..
(I look him up in the blackmail book)
.. like dressing up in women's underthings and dancing what looked (to
the untrained observer) like the lead from "Mary Poppins", I'm afraid
that your name wouldn't mean anything to us...."
I've heard the sharp intake of breath - he knows I've heard it, for him
it's all over.
"Of course, if you were one of THOSE people, well, I'd remember you
immediately, especially when reminiscing to the promotions board, all of
whom are squarer than a Rubik's Cube. But I'm in a forgetful mood at the
moment. I hope you don't mind if I forget that you called..."
"Yes, of course" he says, the last vestages of self-respect vanishing.
"Goodbye now!" I cry cheerfully "But before you go, if you could be so
kind as to send some money to the Operators Benevolent fund, I'd be so
grateful - in fact my gratitude might make me careless with the bulk
eraser, if you see what I mean.. .. .. Mary.."
He makes some wild promise of a large amount, and I keep my side of the
deal by being careless with the bulk eraser. His account backups are a
mere memory... Then I look thru the exabyte rack for the video tape in
question, (Labelled Archive-26/5/90) and throw it in the "Post awaiting
cheque clearance" bag, addressed to his boss..
It's for the best really, he was under a *lot* of pressure.
The next call of the day is from the User-Union, a pressure group that
sprung up because some users thought they were getting a rough deal.
There's no pleasing some people!
Anyway, to get them off my back, I invite them in to see just how hectic
an operator's life really is, and have prepared lots of flashing lights
and alert sounds to keep the mindless cretins fooled...
They all file into the control room, about 10 of them in all, the
dweebish types who hang out in groups like this as a social event.
Things are going well, I'm answering calls and reseting "alarms" when
some sour-faced old lard jockey ruins everything.
"These bells and lights don't fool me you know. I was an engineer on
these babies when they first came out. This alarm sequence is invalid.
There's no such alarm as 00-10-03-15-E. That just can't happen. You've
probably just programmed the status display to say that! This is all a
sham!!"
Trust there to be some re-education loser in the audience to totally
stuff up my day. That just leaves plan B, although it's risky...
"Yes, it's true" I admit, cowering like Joan Crawford on a bender "It's
all fake. I just didn't want you seeing what's in the computer room..."
They can't resist the bait. As soon as it looks like I'm hiding
something they're in for the kill like Piranha.
"WHAT'S IN THE COMPUTER ROOM?!!??" they demand, chomping at the bit
"Well," I say in my best 'this-is-it' voice, "you'd best see for
yourself.."
........ ... ..
Later that day, I help the police try and piece the shocking scenario
together...
"It's shocking!" I say, voice oozing with the horror of it all, "just
terrible!"
"Yes yes" the officer mumbles, irritated "Let's just go over this one
more time. You left them in the computer room to go and change some
paper and they inadvertantly triggered the Halon fire extinguishers..."
"Yes, yes, it's awful isn't it officer?!"
"..and even though there's a 30 second warning, they didn't manage to
make it out the door..."
"Yes, it's such a tragedy"
"..even though two of the people who are supposed to have been smoking
and set off the extinguishers in the room are dedicated non-smokers.."
"Yes, what an unfortunate time to take up the habit!"
"..and even though it looks, judging by the scratch marks that the door
was in some way locked or jammed..."
"..probably jammed officer, It's a matter of public record that I voiced
some concern over this very topic although no-one could find any problem
with the lock in question..."
"And even though someone outside at the viewing window could have sworn
that they saw you pressing the manual release button on the Halon
panel.."
"YES, to try and reset the system and save those poor, innocent
people.."
"After ALL that, you still expect me to believe it was an accident?"
"...Well officer, I don't really know what I expect you to do, but your
face looks vaguely familiar. You haven't used the toilets around here in
the past have you?"
"Well, I may have once or twice - we get a lot of calls over here since
you've been here - suicides mainly..."
"Yes yes officer, well how about we go into the control room and look at
a copy of a video I have, with someone who looks awfully like you, and
what they do to a loaf of bread...."
...
...
Things are looking up!
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