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A less topic-focused archive of assorted thoughts on whatever I find myself thinking about that I consider share-worthy. The concept is basically similar to micro-blogging. Don't be misled by the title: this may be Smolog, but it often contains big moods. I often write about mental health experiences here.
The "stockpile" of content that my brain can draw on for paranoia is a function of everything I say anywhere at any time. Including this. Including the phone call with my mom last night. Including my brief routine interaction with the pharmacy technician the other day. If it involves any kind of interaction with anyone, it's stored in long-term memory and my brain can then use it as ammunition against me.
An example of how this paranoia function, as it were, works: A couple weeks ago I made a gemlog post about my past special interest in wrestling entertainment. Last week someone on Twitter, whom I haven't interacted with prior to last week, made a tweet asking their followers "What would be your theme song that plays every time you enter a room?". Given my insecurity/cringe about my past special interest + ideas of reference + thinking I'm being watched (thinking people know things which, in ordinary circumstances, they wouldn't know) + persecutory ideas of people mocking me (projection of low self-esteem/self-loathing/whatever) means that I thought the person on Twitter was baiting me to reply, so that they could conspire with other people/entities in constructing a video with surveillance footage of me entering some room and mocking me with the "theme song" playing in the background in a cringe sort of way. So my reply to them was "ambient rain forest sounds", because, to me, there is nothing really vain/egoistic about rain forest sounds that would give a cringe impression as a theme song.
This is maddening to me because (1) I have no explicit evidence that this is true; (2) it makes me vulnerable to abuse; and (3) if it *is* true, then I must be the biggest idiot/most cringe person on earth for people to actually spend time doing this.
Maybe if I were a spy or secret agent or something, this sort of thought process would be beneficial, because I'd be one step ahead of the enemy. BUT I AM NOT NOR DO I EVER WANT TO BE A SPY OR SECRET AGENT. I just want to be a regular person with a healthy social life.
So, how do I stop ruminating about things like this? Part of the solution is to continue taking my meds. Another part of the solution is to accept my past special interest as something not-cringe and thereby promote self-love. But how do I do that? Like, the thing is, I personally accept that past special interest, I consider it an enjoyable time of my life and I don't regret it. I look back on those days with fondness and affection. So the problem seems to be that I don't think *other* people will accept me for it. But there is no other way to move forward from here than for /me/ to accept that /some/ other people won't accept me for it, and that I shouldn't invest too much into worrying what /they/ think.
But why do I think other people won't accept me for it? Nobody has explicitly said anything or outright rejected me because of it. What happens when I experience a cringe related to this? Well, my values have changed considerably since those days. I now value rationality, intelligence, and logic much more than I did back then. These values weren't even on my radar back in junior high, and back then, my model of 'intelligent person' was simplistic and basically consisted of 'gets good grades in school'. I didn't really start valuing academic achievement until about the end of 8th grade and early high school, though my performance academically has always been inconsistent. WWE or wrestling entertainment in general is associated with "low culture" stereotypes (e.g., the Bible belt, low education, rednecks, etc.). It's interesting that every time I feel comfortable discussing it, I always make sure to say that it was a /past/ special interest, that only child/adolescent me was into it.
Ceiling cat is no more. The Panoptipigeon is in, and they're watching...
Am angy and sad.
GitHub Dating: "Single and ready to merge. Swipe right to submit a pull request."
Paranoia that happens to be accurate is still paranoia. Unfortunately, it creates an opportunity for gaslighting and plausible deniability.
This might just be another dumb quirk of mine, but sometimes I fear that I will commit a microaggression, then realize it moments later, and when I apologize for it, it would come across as facetious, as if I did it intentionally. I have done this on more than one occasion -- I've said things that /could/ be taken as microaggressions and then apologized for it before anyone even confronted me. I have no evidence anyone took it as facetiousness. But this is subject to infinite regress because people might think my acknowledging this to be sus, so any future microaggressions I might commit will be seen as intentional hostility or gaslighting -- and somebody please pull me out of this rabbit hole, stat!
Something I've noticed about when I describe my mental health issues: I seem to project my own doubts onto potential listeners/readers. This takes the form of describing symptoms in terms of observable behaviors, or generally trying to build a conceptual bridge via more/less common phenomenological experiences. I don't usually get feedback on whether others understand, agree with, or believe my experiences, but I suspect that even if I received positive/affirming feedback, it still wouldn't acquiesce the doubts and depersonalization. There would always be something doubt-apt, and I'd still end up going down rabbit holes and not seeing the image for the pixels. I really have no idea what others think about it. My default assumption (projection) is that people are doubting it. A common thread among the social conservative narrative is to dismiss and deny "wokeness" (about anything) as attention-seeking melodrama and people trying to get things they don't deserve (whether it be sympathy, money, affirmative action, "special treatment", etc). I've been surrounded by this narrative my entire life, so I'm not surprised that I've internalized it. I probably should try to stop caring about it, because it ultimately doesn't matter, and it is hardly in my capacity to change.
Why are these videos resonating with me so much? What kind of foul sorcery is the Universe playing at this time?
Conquering SOCIAL ANXIETY - Dr. K Interviews
Why you feel unloved - Dr. K Interviews
I still squint my eyes in suspicion whenever I see certain Facebook friends adjacent to each other in my chat list. I'm not sure I /really/ want to know how that algorithm works; I kinda prefer keeping open the possibility that it's a false positive.
I've been making mistakes lately that could have been avoided if I had read more carefully. This gives me big sad.
Okay, the trick-or-treaters on Halloween was one thing, but please, All-Mighty Universe, do NOT make me stand in the doorway and pretend to appreciate a chorus of Christmas carolers all singing loudly and staring at me for the duration of their song.
My new diet: don't consume more than 20 grams of net carbs after 3 PM.
Hello, Smolnet!