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Normally the appointment of someone to middle management is accompanied
by all the pomp and ceremony you'd expect from the changing of a vacuum
cleaner bag, but today things are different. This new boss is supposedly
a cut above the rest because unlike those before him he has a university
degree in management. So now we have a lean, keen and completely green
boss on our hands.
His first green and keen move is to organise a meeting between himself
and some global network providers to obtain a better bandwidth pricing
system - a group of individuals who'd sell their own grandmothers for
five quid. The boss is so far out of his depth he needs a diving bell.
To save him from the feeding frenzy (and the company from bankruptcy) I
force my way onto the negotiation team. Judging by the voicemail I
receive from the various players this isn't a popular move.
"Call me Alan," the new boss gushes as he meets with the various
potential suppliers for the first time. He's obviously been on his share
of huggy-feely team building weekends and believes that the informal
approach will enhance negotiations.
If I had my way, we'd enhance negotiations by locking the suppliers in a
room with several half bricks and only deal with the last one standing -
a policy that's served me well in the past.
"The proposals all seem to be a little on the steep side," is the boss's
opening gambit. He doesn't realise they're about 50 per cent more than
we're paying now - what suppliers call the 'initial-shaft' position.
"Well that is with increased bandwidth potential," one responds.
"You mean it's exactly what we've got now, except it has more
potential?" I reinterpret for the boss's benefit.
"Potential for growth without extra carrier installation, yes."
"And as we already have over-spec carriers installed it means we'd be
paying 50 per cent more for no reason?"
"Potential does cost money," another supplier chips in. "And I believe
that our plan provides the maximum potential."
"While still actually delivering nothing extra..." I add.
The meeting goes on like this for a while with the boss doing his horse-
trader act, fooling no-one. Eventually he manages to think up the final
offer masterstroke.
"Well what can we get for this?" The boss asks, being sneaky and writing
down a figure which is about 40 per cent of our networking budget.
"I'll give my grandmother a call," one of the supplier responds,
reaching for his cellphone.
From then on it goes downhill. At the end of a couple of hours of
negotiation the boss is a broken man and liable to replace our current
bandwidth with a bank of 300 baud modems via some BT-call boxes.
Strategically, I call for a lunchbreak, and get the boss out of harm's
way as quickly as possible.
"It's all quite technical isn't it?" He blurts once we're out of
earshot.
"It's a snowjob!" I reply and proceed to educate him on the ins and outs
of price fixing - apparently a topic that isn't covered under the
Bachelor of Parochial Management Degree. I bring him back to the comms
room so the PFY can back me up.
Our comments fall on deaf ears.
"But I'm sure they know what they're talking about," he mumbles naively.
"After all, they've been in the business for a long time."
"Because they take advantage of managers," I respond. "Honestly, you
can't believe anything anyone tells you in this business."
"That's a terribly cynical attitude," he responds, as expected.
Looks like it's time for Plan B.
"Well it'll cost a fortune to upgrade the potential of our comms
risers."
"Why?"
"I think it's best if the PFY shows you the problem we're talking
about."
Ten minutes, a scream, and a plummet of one floor later, I'm flying solo
in the negotiation processes as yet another boss fails to check that the
grating is securely in place on the 'floor' of the comms riser.
Oh dear.
"Gentlemen," I begin upon returning to the boardroom. "Due to a
workplace accident Alan is unable to be with us for the rest of the
negotiations, which puts me in the position of having to make a decision
about our next sole global-network provider. I feel it is best that you
come to an agreement among yourselves as to who that sole provider will
be while I wait outside for your decision. Oh, you'll find the bricks at
your feet under the table."
Sometimes you've got to pay a little extra for customer satisfaction.
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