💾 Archived View for clemat.is › saccophore › library › ebooks › bofh › newbofh › bofh11jun97.txt captured on 2021-12-17 at 13:26:06.
⬅️ Previous capture (2021-12-03)
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TThhee BBaassttaarrdd OOppeerraattoorr FFrroomm HHeellll
TThhee BBaassttaarrdd OOppeerraattoorr FFrroomm HHeellll aanndd tthhee PPaaiinnttbbaallll sseessssiioonn ......
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I love the smell of burning components in the morning. Smells like
victory.
I skip victory and concentrate on the voices entering the radio mike in
the desktop calculator on the Boss's desk. (First rule of bugs, pick
something in plain sight that isn't going to get used)
I think it's a FANTASTIC idea!!" the CEO burbles excitedly.
"It's BRILLIANT!" the Boss sucks up, "A game of bloody paintball war!
It's sheer genius!"
I tune out. The fruition of months of subtle hints, endless misdirected
web pages, countless spammed email messages. The gauntlet has been taken
up...
..Sigh..
"PAINTBALL WAR!" the PFY cries queasily "They wouldn't dare!"
"Oh yes they would" I respond "Us versus the Beancounters! It would
appear that the CEO, *YOUR* flesh and blood however indirectly, has been
got at by some slimeball in accounts and decided that it would be a wise
and proper thing to end the apparent inter-divisional war between us and
accounts on the paintball field of honour - no hiding behind technology
or purchase approval rubber stamps!"
"You sound like you're looking forward to it!" he cries, still not at
all happy about the idea.
"Well, given that it is fairly much inevitable now, 'looking forward' is
perhaps a little strong, but yes, I admit I do relish the opportunity of
meeting our opposition fair and square on the field of honour,
harbouring no grudges (like them docking my petrol allowance simply
because I sold my car and hadn't been called out to work for the past
three months) in a free-for-all"
"But they'll cream us!" he bleats "They've got weekend soldiers on their
side!" he sniffles, coming to the point at long last.
"And we have subcontractors! I'm sure I can rustle up one or two who
know how to point a gun! Besides, it's all booked from above. The best
we can hope for is to do our best, take our medicine like men, and
charge double time for weekend work... Oh, and take some of them with
us."
The PFY is unconvinced..
"Oh, did I mention that in the interests of morale, the boss - you know,
the one who gave out your cellphone number to the helpdesk - is going to
find out on the day that he's a member of the team?"
"Really?" the PFY says, doubt now a thing of the past...
A week later the fateful day arrives and we exit the bus to the smug
countenances of the opposition - they having had both extensive
education and practice in the past few days...
My own education in the arts is sadly lacking, having only read a couple
of posts to a usenet newsgroup on the topic. Sigh.
The paintball guy issues the rounds and weapons to the troops and the
game commences. Our recently ordered library book tracking system is
getting a bit of testing "in the field" with detectors sewn into the
lining of the opposition's combat suits.. Looks like a worthwhile
investment...
A buttock presents itself to my hiding place so I fire point blank with
my reserve weapon - one that has just a tad more pressure than the
standard issue and happens to be loaded with frozen pellets...
The resultant scream does two things to bring a smile to my face: (a)
Confirms newsgroup accuracy, and (b) alerts the rest of the team to a
sitting duck..
..
Half an hour later we've surrounded the beancounters in their makeshift
fort.
"We surrender!" they cry, coming out with weapons raised.
"Now you see" I say to the PFY "In a real war-time situation, we would
now be taking prisoners. Sadly, however, the Geneva convention does not
extend itself to the paintball sports.."
The resulting massacre is needlessly quick.
"Quick!" the PFY cries "They're heading back to the bus!!!"
"You mean the one currently parked at a quiet country pub 4 miles
away.."
The CEO pops in to see how things are going and if grievances have been
solved.
In the absence of the enemy, the boss has taken on a definite hunted
expression with the team seeming to be made up exclusively of people
he's annoyed in the past few weeks.
"Friendly Fire" I comment to the CEO over his protests "A documented
wartime phenomenon. Purely Accidental.."
...
The following Monday we're back at work and, true to the CEO's
expectations, interdivisional bickering is at an all-time low.
True, with most of Accounts apparently suffering from some form of "Post
Traumatic Stress Disorder" - the aftermath of the ambush in the snug of
the 'quiet country pub' apparently - there isn't really anyone to bicker
with.
Accounts isn't the only one to suffer from this. We're snowed under
writing proposals for equipment purchases for the boss to sign -
apparently he's heard there's a rematch on in a couple of weeks and
wants to curry favour with the masses.
Looks like time to order that Stereo 29inch Video monitor for my
telecommuting from home....
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