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Elizabeth Grace Saunders
February 19, 2016
Some people are pretty oblivious to time. They work crazy late, but they can t
remember what they did, they forget to eat, and they go through life in a bit
of a haze. For people in this category, the current trend of self-monitoring,
whether through time trackers like Toggl or fitness trackers like Fitbit, plays
a critical role in helping them take ownership of their time and live happier,
healthier lives. That s a good thing.
But for those on the opposite end of the self-awareness spectrum,
overmonitoring can have dire consequences. Instead of living life, they make
life a test: Did I wake up on time? Am I answering everyone s emails in an
acceptable time period? How do all of my numbers look? Did I estimate all of my
to-dos for the day accurately? Did I eat the diet du jour that s supposed to
give me the most energy while still being environmentally friendly? Did I ? Did
I ? Did I ?
These individuals have an internal monitor that s always on, regulating the
actions of the external fa ade that they believe is right or appropriate.
On the positive side, these people tend to get a steady stream of affirmation
for being so responsible, dependable, and predictable. After all, they re
seemingly getting all their work done while meeting the needs of others. But by
putting so much emphasis on what others want or even what they just think
others want they are not being true to their own priorities. That always-on,
always-perfect, always-positive front can cause them to lose their connection
to themselves and to others.
I ve been that person. And in my experience, the greatest risk of this
overmonitored life is losing track of yourself. If you re overly concerned
about doing what is right, you can misplace your sense of what you actually
want, think, and like (or don t like). An overemphasis on doing what others
expect of you (or what you think they expect of you) can also stymie your
growth and creativity because you re so concerned about getting the right
answer. Moreover, if you re constantly measuring yourself by exceedingly high
standards, you can also set yourself up for anxiety or depression. You may end
up spending limited time connecting with others because you ve got some things
to finish up ; when you are with people, you will focus on being who you think
you need to be instead of letting people get to know and accept you. That leads
to an alone in the crowd feeling, where you re trying to figure out whether
people approve of you instead of being truly present.
Overmonitoring can also bring tension and conflict into your relationships with
others. For example, when you genuinely feel good about your choices, whether
it s taking some work-related reading home with you or eating a salad every
day, it doesn t matter to you whether others follow suit. But if you re
choosing to work this way out of compulsion, you may find yourself unfairly
judging anyone not making the same sacrifices. If you can t stand the fact that
you need to meet certain high standards that no one else seems to care about,
the problem may lie in yourself, not others.
Yes, having goals is good. But it s tiring to put yourself in a mental cycle
where you constantly set a goal and chase it, then set another one immediately
after. You leave yourself no time to stop, reflect, and enjoy the moment, let
alone make sure that you re heading in the right direction.
How do you get out of this trap of overmonitoring to regain a sense of genuine
self in your life and work? Take a more humane approach:
Assess where you fall on the spectrum. If you tend to lose track of time and
fail to get important work done, continue your monitoring, and even consider
increasing it. But if you find yourself constantly measuring what you re doing,
feeling uneasy doing things that you actually want to do, or always sensing a
distance between yourself and others, it could be time to loosen up your
restrictions.
Reevaluate the why. If you get into work at 6:30 AM because doing so makes
you happy, go for it. But if you would actually feel healthier by sleeping a
bit later and getting in at 8 AM, that s OK too. The issue is not in being
disciplined or doing certain activities in certain ways, but in whether you do
what you do because it works for you, or because it s what you think you should
do. This idea also applies to life outside of work, from what food you eat to
what exercise you do to where you volunteer. Each person has a unique mix of
routines that make them happy and healthy. Be sure you re living according to
those needs, not someone else s.
Disappoint people. The suggestion to disappoint people may seem like sacrilege,
particularly if you struggle with people pleasing. But if you direct all of
your time and attention toward doing what other people want you to do,
especially when the activities are from people who are not close to you and
aren t aligned with your top priorities, you ll end up disappointing yourself
and the people closest to you. I ve learned that it s best for me to be honest
about what I can and can t do for others up front so I don t end up overwhelmed
later. No human can fulfill the needs of every other person around them, so if
you can t be everything for everyone, welcome to the human race.
Be brave. It takes a lot of courage to let go of creating a place for yourself
in the world based on numbers that you can put on the board, whether it s the
sales you make, the hours you work, the miles you run, or the pounds you weigh.
But when you stop looking at yourself and your self-worth as a scorecard and
start accepting yourself as a person, you can live the most fulfilling and free
life possible.
Some people may not be as pleased when you stop behaving according to other
people s standards. But just as many if not more will heave a sigh of
relief when you relax, because they then feel like they can relax too. Most
importantly, you ll finally have the opportunity to focus on the things you
want to, rather than the things you think you should.
Elizabeth Grace Saunders is author of How to Invest Your Time Like Money
(Harvard Business Review Press, 2015), a time coach, and the founder of Real
Life E Time Coaching & Training. Find out more at www.RealLifeE.com.