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Cocaine solves all your problems: A Stimulating, Real-Life Documentary.
� by tripe (axe@gti.net)
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.
/~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\ /~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\
/ Can it be true? / \ Just wait and see, man. \
i -~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~-.
t
Yes, its true, Cocaine solves all of your problems. Take it, enjoy yourself,
druel yourself silly, and die. Bam. Your problems are gone, you had
an interesting experience, you are no longer bored.
See? I wouldn't lie to you. You should trust me more. Keep reading and
you'll find out why.
-----(Tripe's Advice number One: )------------------------------------------
Well, you shouldn't have been so trusting. Lesson Number One: Question the
absolutes which others give you. This article will be very boring. Why bother
reading it, if you're sure of your ideals? Even Question this essay. It is
written by a stupid fuck sitting at home wondering why he doesn't get out
more often. If you're going to believe in something, you should at least know
why, right?
Well, right.
But does that mean that I should never trust anything?
Well, in a word, no. Do you honestly want to live the rest of your life
paranoid of "the man" who is "brainwashing your mind?" Honestly, why do you
give a fuck? First, if you're brainwashed and happy, then live that way
it pleases you. Second, if you're not "brainwashed" but are still paranoid,
then you are almost surely unhappy. Why live life that way?
Isn't paranoia a form of brainwashing?
We can trust more than we do. Question preachy morals.
/~~~~~~~~~~
/ But wait? What the hell does that mean?
i -~~~~ ~~~~~~~\
Figure it out for yourself, fucko. \
~~~~-.
t
-----(Tripe's Advice number Two: )------------------------------------------
/~~~~~~~~~~
/ Help, I'm so frustrated with something that I wonder whether or not
.-~~\it is worth the effort to fight for it.
i ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well then, bucko, you know it is important to you. Otherwise, you wouldn't
have fought for it so much. Obviously, the subject at hand strikes a cord
at you- it affects you, forces you to adjust. You learn something from it,
be it a painful or peaceful lesson. Fight for it- it breaks up the boring
intervals between events in your life. It builds character.
So it's good to be miserable all of the time, right?
Waitwaitwait... Where the hell did you come up with that idea? What is it
exactly that you want from your existence?
well, umm, life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, i guess.
THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS@??@! AND YOU ACTUALLY WONDER IF IT IS GOOD
TO BE MISERABLE ALL THE TIME? ARE YOU ON COCAINE?
well, if i were, then all of my problems would be solved.
Right, right, pardon me. I forgot. Cocaine _does_ solve all of your problems.
But anyway, you are interested in pursuing happiness, right?
yeah.
So why would misery be a good thing for you?
umm, it makes me feel wise?
Well, what good is wisdom if it doesn't get you the happiness you want?
got me.
You got me, too. Better stick to the cocaine, buddy. Lets move on to
question number three.
-----(Tripe's Advice number Three: )----------------------------------------
/~~~~~~~~~~
/ Help, my life sucks and I have chance that will either
.-~~\ make it much better or much worse. Should I take it?
i ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hmm. On its own, your life isn't getting any better, and you have one chance
that might fix that. If you don't take the chance, then nothing will happen.
Are you stupid? Take the chance. If it worsens your life, eventually you
will have another chance. You'll learn something from the outcome either way.
kool, so i can be irresponsible and break stuff, right?
No. I'm not even going to address that.
-----(Tripe's Advice number Four: )----------------------------------------
/~~~~~~~~~~
/ Help, this crazy wannabe zine-writer is telling
.-~~\ me how to live my life. What should I do?
i ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The answer to that question is easy: Kill yourself.
-----(Tripe's Advice number Five: )----------------------------------------
/~~~~~~~~~~
/ Wow. You know so much.
.-~~\ How did you become so smart?
i ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I drank bleach.
cool, really? i mean, that really works?
Really. Try it, if you want to be as smart as I am.
you're kidding, right?
Nosireebob. Go out and do it right now. Go on, I won't tell anybody
wow! i'm going to get me some bleach!
You go do that now.
but where can i get it?
That's next issue's info. Sorry.
aww, man.