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A less topic-focused archive of assorted thoughts on whatever I find myself thinking about that I consider share-worthy. The concept is basically similar to micro-blogging. Don't be misled by the title: this may be Smolog, but it often contains big moods.
This might just be another dumb quirk of mine, but sometimes I fear that I will commit a microaggression, then realize it moments later, and when I apologize for it, it would come across as facetious, as if I did it intentionally. I have done this on more than one occasion -- I've said things that /could/ be taken as microaggressions and then apologized for it before anyone even confronted me. I have no evidence anyone took it as facetiousness. But this is subject to infinite regress because people might think my acknowledging this to be sus, so any future microaggressions I might commit will be seen as intentional hostility or gaslighting -- and somebody please pull me out of this rabbit hole, stat!
Something I've noticed about when I describe my mental health issues: I seem to project my own doubts onto potential listeners/readers. This takes the form of describing symptoms in terms of observable behaviors, or generally trying to build a conceptual bridge via more/less common phenomenological experiences. I don't usually get feedback on whether others understand, agree with, or believe my experiences, but I suspect that even if I received positive/affirming feedback, it still wouldn't acquiesce the doubts and depersonalization. There would always be something doubt-apt, and I'd still end up going down rabbit holes and not seeing the image for the pixels. I really have no idea what others think about it. My default assumption (projection) is that people are doubting it. A common thread among the social conservative narrative is to dismiss and deny "wokeness" (about anything) as attention-seeking melodrama and people trying to get things they don't deserve (whether it be sympathy, money, affirmative action, "special treatment", etc). I've been surrounded by this narrative my entire life, so I'm not surprised that I've internalized it. I probably should try to stop caring about it, because it ultimately doesn't matter, and it is hardly in my capacity to change.
Why are these videos resonating with me so much? What kind of foul sorcery is the Universe playing at this time?
Conquering SOCIAL ANXIETY - Dr. K Interviews
Why you feel unloved - Dr. K Interviews
I still squint my eyes in suspicion whenever I see certain Facebook friends adjacent to each other in my chat list. I'm not sure I /really/ want to know how that algorithm works; I kinda prefer keeping open the possibility that it's a false positive.
I've been making mistakes lately that could have been avoided if I had read more carefully. This gives me big sad.
Okay, the trick-or-treaters on Halloween was one thing, but please, All-Mighty Universe, do NOT make me stand in the doorway and pretend to appreciate a chorus of Christmas carolers all singing loudly and staring at me for the duration of their song.
My new diet: don't consume more than 20 grams of net carbs after 3 PM.
Hello, Smolnet!