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Day 28 - Difficult emotions

Hard night today, the subject had trouble sleeping and, as you know already, F

didn't get enough sleep because of that. Try as I may, the subject will

ultimately only calm down in F's arms, so she's the one who suffers the most. We

had our first little fight, I think, but the important thing is to behave calm,

do whatever, discuss it later.

And so we did and ultimately, it was part sleep deprivation which leads to

misunderstandments and other part that I could be more proactive with the

subject's care. Duly noted!

I woke up at 9 and for two hours the subject was fussy but I did everything I

could and we maintained silence for F's sake! Then the subject sleeps for

roughly an hour. After that it took me 5 minutes to understand that Sol needed

to eat. Or drink, you know.

The subject then slept for hours until around 18. This time it could only calm

down with Caretaker F. No amount of whatever we try would calm her down. Maybe

for 10 seconds and then she began crying again. Poor baby, just feel awful.

I feel very powerless and it is hard for me to accept this. I know it's natural

and I need to step back, but it saddens me. In part because I want to have a

good relationship with Sol and although this doesn't mean anything, just the

fact that she grew inside F, but I feel a bit distant. Hopefully or will

naturally fix itself. But also, I want F to rest and to feel free because it

takes a big toll on her wellbeing.

I hope this gets better with time.