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Radioactive Aardvark Dung * Issue Number Six * Released June 08 1996
Without prejudice and explicit reservation of all my rights, UCC 1-207
raD Mega'zine WHQ is -- Erebus - Sysop: Hooch @ 201-762-1373
raD, we'll quote Hitler if we have to.
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"Mankind has grown strong in eternal struggles and it will only
perish through eternal peace." - Adolf Hitler
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raD is now a _correct capitalization 'zine! Hallejuliuscaesar! I
never could get down the spelling of that word. You can't even spell it
phonetically, it's fucking impossible. Anyway, we'd like your submissions
to be capitalized properly, if not, doom on us. We'll fix 'em up right for
you. Because we know most of you can't even stay off IRC for more than
10 minutes.
Speaking of which, I will not be on IRC nearly as much as I used to
be. That was the pathetic Mercuri.
[Enter non-pathetic Mercuri: Stage right.]
IF YOU WANT RAD, DON'T WAIT FOR ME TO GIVE IT TO YOU. GET IT FROM
THE FTP SITE AT (are you watching?) ftp.etext.org /pub/Zines/RAD/ - ok?
Or, get on the raD mailing list, and get raD mailed to you as soon
as it comes out! email: rad@erebus.magsystems.com - body: "subscribe rad".
Check out the raD web page, which I created with my own two hands at
http://www.pla-net.net/corp/zineword/rad - and feel free to copy the "Anti-
Socialist Internet Campaign" to your web page(s).
Alas, call Erebus, it's raD WHQ & y0lk WHQ, it's an ACiD member board
and an ACiDiC distrobution site. Hooch switched to Telegard and it blows
the old Renegayed and PCBoard version out of the water. When you're
registered (tell 'em raD sent ya) you'll get an Internet Email address, and
access to Internet Newsgroups. And of course, zero day raD. Call it right-
fucking-now at 1-201-762-1373, that's in New Jersey.
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In this issue of raD we will discuss stuff.
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"Handle and the blustery day"
Submitted By - Handle
Walking through the forest Handle hums to himself thinking what fun
it will be to find the perfect acid neutrilizer. Suddenly Handle's head
jerks to the left as he listens to a rukus.
"I couldn't sleep because mark and becky were fighting all night."
Turning his head back to the computer Handle ignores the television.
Suddenly out of the corner of his eye, Handle sees Mercuri coming
down the dirt path.
"Yo Handle, how's STUFF?" - Mercuri
"Stuff is good, stuff is good." - Handle
"I here your just trying to write this story because you've been
extremely non-productive lately." - Mercuri
"That's a dirty lie!" - Handle
"I hear you've lost your edge, I hear you haven't been writing many
stories lately." - Mercuri
"I've been writing stories, they just all suck!" - Handle
Suddenly there is a screaching from the wall bordering the forest,
both turn and look.
"NAAAAAAATE, COME OUT COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE!" - Screaching
"Oh shit, it's my mom, and she's been getting more tattoos." - Handle
Suddenly Tony Little shimmies down the tree next to Handle and
Mercuri.
"So Handle, I hear you can't think of anything genuinly funny so your
just gonna make a bunch of obscure refrences. Like me." - Tony little
"Did you just come here to mock my writing ability?" - Handle
"No, I'm here to work those problem areas, like the buttocks and
thighs. Then were gonna start working on the abs, when I'm through with you
your gonna have the body of a god." - Tony little
"But I don't want to excercise." - Handle
"Don't be a mopey-puss Handle, were gonna get motivated and were
gonna get pumpin'" - Tony
For just twenty-easy minutes, three times a week Handle and Mercuri go
through the warmup stretches. Then nineteen minutes later, just while they
are starting they're cooldown stretches three chinese stars hit the dirt
next to them. Suddenly three ninjas slide down from the tree above them
with ropes. Mercuri is the first to notice this because he has reflexes
like a cat.
"Look it's Ninja and his brothers Rocky and Tum-Tum!" - Mercuri
"Oh, sorry guys we thought for a second that you were our grandpa."
- Ninja
"Why would you throw chinese stars at your grandfather?" - Handle
"Our grandpa's cool, he's teaching us to be ninjas." - Tum-tum
"Hey ninja, it's kind of weird that we go to the same school, but we
don't know each other or anything." - Handle
"Yeah that is kind of weird." - Ninja
"Hey, isn't that Emily coming down the path on her bike?" - Mercuri
"Yeah, there's ninja's girlfriend." - Rocky
"Yeah, ninja's girlfriend." - Tum-tum
"ninja loves Emily...ninja loves Emily...ninja loves Emily...ninja
loves Emily...ninja loves Emily..." - All
"Shutup you guys." - Ninja
"Hi Apothecary, did I hear them say your names ninja?!" - Emily
"Hi Emily, yeah it's just some name my grandpa gave me." - Ninja
"I like it, it's cute." - Emily
"Oooooo, Emily thinks it's cuuuute." - Mercuri
"Shutup you guys." - Ninja
"ninja loves Emily...ninja loves Emily...ninja loves Emily...ninja
loves Emily...ninja loves Emily..." - All
"I gotta have that bike!" - Tony little
Suddenly Tony lunges towards Emily knocking her off of her bike. He
then jumps on and starts peddling down the path.
"Nice job, showoff." - Emily
In disgust Emily spits in Ninja's face and stomps down the path in
the opposite direction.
"I'll get your bike back!" - Ninja
All put there heads down in shame when ninja's grandpa pulls up in
his car.
"oh, ninja, what is the matter." - Grandpa
"Tony Little took my girlfriends bike." - Ninja
"There is no time to spare then, everyone get in the ca..." - Grandpa
Suddenly ninja's grandpa is interrupted by a swarm of ninjas jumping
out from every angle. Reacting fast everyone in the group gets into
fighting stances.
Quickly three ninja's rush over at Mercuri, he puts them down quickly
by jumping up in the air and kicking two in the gut at the same time. Then
coming down he plants an elbow on the third's head. Meanwhile, Handle takes
out three of his own with some swift moves. Fighting ensumes and the whole
group joins in pummeling ninja's left and right, but unfortunately there are
two many. Just as our heros seem to be lost ninja reaches into his pants
and pulls out the anaconda.
"DUCK!!!" - Ninja
Whipping it around ferociously ninja takes out the remaining 300
assassins rushing in.
"Good job ninja." - Grandpa
"Yeah good job, but could you put that away? You're scaring me."
- Handle
Putting away his meat ninja takes pats on the back from all, all
except Mercuri that is, who's face is frozen in an expression of surprise.
His mouth open so wide that his lower jaw would smack against his knees
should he walk. Suddenly, ninja's grandpa looks up at the adjacent hill.
"Donatello, my arch nemesis. I should have known!" - Grandpa
"Dude, it's like totally me. Me and my ninja's are gonna like
totally kill you and your little friends, dude." - Donatello
"I always knew those turtles were bad news!" - Mercuri
"So that's why you'd always cry when I brought over my ninja
turtles!" - Handle
Vanishing in a cloud of mist Donatello leaves all onlookers in stun.
Then almost simultaneously they all remember the pressing matter of Emily's
bike.
"Okay, now we go find Emily's bike." - Grandpa
Piling into grandpa's car, the group goes down the path in hot
pursuit of Tony Little. After about five minutes of Mercuri pushing the car
the group comes next to Tony peddling fast on the pink bike. Thinking fast
ninja's grandpa yells out for Mercuri to push at ramming speed and they
send the car into the side of the bicycle forcing it off the road.
"You guys can't have the bike! Now back off!" - Tony
"Were not leaving until we get Emily's bike!" -Ninja
"Hah, I got news for you, I don't even want the stupid bike!"
In one swift motion tony pulls off the rubber suit that was once
believed to be his body, and reveals the bod of a giant turtle.
"Donatello!" - All
"Ninja's scatter!" - Donatello
At once a plethera of ninja's attack our heros and a grueling battle
ensumes, ending only when Handle sacrifices his life to the sun gods and all
of the ninja's drop dead.
"Dude, Handle killed them all, even Donatello!" - Mercuri
"Just when I was about to whip out my slong to!" - Ninja
"Well, I better go give Emily her bike back." - Ninja
"ninja loves Emily...ninja loves Emily...ninja loves Emily...ninja
loves Emily...ninja loves Emily..." - All
Walking back to Emily's house ninja, his brothers, and Mercuri knock
on her front door. After about ten minutes of pounding and screaming curses
Emily comes to the door drunk off her ass.
"What the hellllll' doo yoo want?" - Emily
"I got your bike back." - Ninja
"ninja loves Emily...ninja loves Emily...ninja loves Emily...ninja
loves Emily...ninja loves Emily..." - All
"That's it Emily I'm sick of doing all this crap for you. Put out!"
- Ninja
Ripping there clothes off ninja and emily have monkey sex on the
porch while the others are forced to gaze on in jealousy.
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"Gumby killz"
Submitted By - Ninja & Satyr
Gumby.. the worlds favorite clay guy (wait.. how many clay guys are
there), finally gets sick of society, starts listening to pantera, starts to
frequently read rad, and flips his wig.
For those of you that want to get technical, this is a 5 foot Gumby.
how do you know how tall he really was? By the action figures? WELL.. WELL.
FUCK YOU. HE'S FIVE FEET FOR NOW.
(Gumby enters discovery zone, AK-47 rambo-ish-ly strapped on)
Kids: "Gumby!! Gumby!! hi Gumby!!"
Gumby: "hi kids! Gumby has a little surprise for you!!"
Kids: "Gumby! Gumby!! where's pokey!"
Gumby: "That jackass isn't around anymore. heh heh. [no pun intended]
and neither is that big headed fat chick, that damn chicken,
or anyone that was on my show! I used the ultimate weapon, my
PLAY-DOH(tm) SPAGHETTI SHREDDER!"
kids: "But your *CLAY*, _not_ *PLAY-DOH(tm)*!!"
Gumby: "Uh.... oh... er.. SHUT UP! I KNOW THAT! Don't you think i know that?
if I was Play-Doh(tm), I would smell good and kids would want to eat
me! I'd have a can to live in, but NOoOoO00o0. I'm green, I stink,
I'm only _so_ flexible, and I live in a stinky Sammich Baggie(tm).
god dammit, kids of today are so cruel! I HATE SOCIETY!#@"
(One of Gumbys eyes falls off)
Gumby: "God dammit! Ya see, if I _was_ Play-Doh(tm), *THAT* wouldn't have
happened! Clay doesnt stick for SHIT. I HATE SOCIETY@!#"
(Gumby picks up his eye and proceeds to place it back on his head)
Kid1: "Gumby? Where is your pee-pee? Look everyone!"
(Kids laugh hysterically at Gumby for him not having a pee-pee, ..)
Gumby: (quoting pantera) "FUCKING HOSTILE!#@"
(Gumby pops a cap, rat-tat-tat!, Kid1 falls to the floor dead)
(The rest of kids start screaming and running, parents in panic)
(Gumby goes into a maniac spree, bullets whizzing in all directions,
kids and parents alike falling to the floor as a cause of Gumby's
violent rage)
Gumby: "AH HA HAHHAH HAHAH! take this flesh-beings!"
(In the midst of Gumby's terrorism, Mercuri and Handle are making their
daily trip to Pleasure Island for bondage gear, and hear the commotion)
Merc: "Oh no Handle! I think Gumby has finally lost it!"
Handle: "How the fuck do you know that its Gumby?"
Merc: "Ninja told me he was gunna write this."
Handle: "Oh."
(Mercuri and Handle rush to discovery zone, only to find Gumby in a fit
of rage, shooting the plastic clowns and tube-slides because of no
more moving or living targets. As they watch Gumby, awaiting that perfect
chance to make their move, Gumby shows them just how insane he really
is by getting ultimately mad at the damn 'Gopher-Pop-Up' game with the
hammers, and then proceeds to destroy the game, taking all the gophers
as hostages.)
Merc: (showing his awesome bravery) "Ok Gumby, now put the gophers down."
Gumby: "MERCURI! I KNEW YOU'D COME! YOU ARE THE EVIL RAD MAGAZINE EDITOR!"
Merc: "Gumby.. now just be calm, and put the gophers down. we don't want
any more trouble. everything is going to be ok."
Gumby: "ALL I WANTED WAS A TALK SHOW! BUT GOD DAMNIT 'FRIENDS' TOOK MY
PLACE ON PRIME-TIME!"
Handle: "I feel your pain, Gumby. now, put the gophers and the gun down,
and lets talk this over."
Merc: "Oh shit. i just noticed something. Gumby? - you don't have a pee-pee!"
(Gumby's eyes fill with rage, and as Mercuri and Handle wittingly notice
what is becoming, they dive for cover, while Gumby shoots aimlessly at them)
Handle: (to Merc) "you're right! he DOESN'T have a pee-pee!"
Merc: "i know!"
(Mercuri and Handle must come up with a plan before Gumby gets them and
the gophers......................)
Handle: "Merc, why did he call you the 'EVIL editor' of RAD?"
Merc: "Because I'm evil."
(pause)
Merc: "WAIT A MINUTE! IM EVIL!"
(Mercuri stands up, bullets graze past assorted parts of his body, ..
he stares at Gumby menacingly, and shoots a ray of Pure Death at
him... the ray hits Gumby in the upper arm, and Gumby winces for a
minute, only to recover and say:)
Gumby: "AH-HA! that wont hurt me! im CLAY! im not LIVING!"
Merc: "Oh shit. Handle, you better think of something else cuz Gumby
is pissed."
Handle: (Gets the ultimate idea, mcguyver style) "The only way to kill
Gumby is to either bake him or re-shape him!"
(Handle whips the ISD9000 flamethrower from his anus, and arms it.)
Handle: "Gumby! FACE YOUR IMPENDING D00M!"
(Handle stands up, instantly in a kilt and a green beret hat, and takes
aim at Gumby... flames leap towards Gumby, instantly hardening him to
a crisp.)
Merc: "THAT WAS RADICAL!"
Handle: "I like pudding."
Merc: "Now what do we do with him?"
Handle: "Slowly add water, and then reform him. but before that, lets get
the gophers to safety."
Merc: "Hey, Handle? what gophers? They are all that blobbering mass of
black goo on the floor."
Handle: "Oops."
(Mercuri and Handle proceed to re-shape the clay that Gumby was made out
of.... they had to decide on what to make out of it.. and made a decision
to make a giant clay gopher for discovery zone, in memory of the 8 gophers
killed in the ruthless battle.)
Merc: "Say something smart, witty and intellectual to end this file."
Handle: "I like pudding."
(The End...?)
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Thomas the bumble bee that could - k0de
Thomas was a very young bumble bee, born just yesterday. He was
tired of all of his older brothers and sisters picking on him telling him
things like "You can't fly..." and "You look like a moron," and "You're a
poopy-head."
One day Thomas' older brother, Buzzworth, started hitting him hard
with stuff like "Little goober." Thomas snapped. He stormed around the
hive screaming "I'LL SHOW YOU ALL!@# I'LL FLY GODDAMNIT!!!!!" So Thomas
stormed to the opening of the hive and jumped. He started falling fast. He
wasn't flying... he beat his wings and right before he hit the ground he
began to fly!
"Holy begeezers! IM flyyyyyyyyyyyyyiiiiiing!!!!"
Thomas was happy and he knew the others had seen what he could do.
He got tired after about a minute of flying and decided to land on the
sidewalk. He landed and gave a shout of happiness. Then the guy walking
down the path stepped on him.
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"My Day"
Submitted By - Creed
I usually take my time to observe the beauties in a day; to stop and smell
the roses... breathe a little bit of that fresh autumn air.
That is, until they get me all loaded up on nitrous.
And I RIP YOUR TONGUE OUT AND SHOW IT TO YOUR FACE.
And PULL YOUR EYEBALLS OUT WITH MY TEETH AND RAM THEM DOWN YOUR THROAT.
I guess I could classify that as the more exciting part of my day.
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"Bob Saget, Devil or All Around Friendly Guy?"
Submitted By - Handle
"Satan, wake up Satan."
With a sudden jerk Satan is awoken from his slumber by an ominous
voice. Looking around his room Satan sees that everything is in order.
Goats heads still hanging on the wall, children in the corner waiting to be
sacrificed, wife still lying next to him.
"Who's there?"
"It's me Satan, Bob."
"Why can't you just leave me alone!"
"Not until you kill your family Satan."
"Damn you Saget! Damn you!"
"Damn me to where?"
"Why don't you just shut up?"
"I will, but first you know what you have to do."
"I will not kill my family!"
"Come on, you know you want to."
"I do not."
"Yes you do."
"Okay, I'll kill my family! Just shutup!"
"Whatever you say Satan. Muhahahahahahaha!"
Slowly rolling out of bed Satan looks over at his wife and begins to
mutter to himself.
"Stupid Bob Saget, always has to be haunting me in my sleep. One of
these days I'm gonna' show him. I'm gonna' look him right in the eye and
then I'm gonna say 'shutup'."
Still grumbling to himself an axe appears in his hands and Satan
casually chops the head off of his wife. Sleepily Satan rolls back into bed
and falls to sleep.
"Satan, oh Satan."
"Why won't you just leave me alone!"
"Oh Satan, is somebody tired."
"You said you'd shutup!"
"Oh now, Satan there's no need to be grouchy."
"Shutup! Shutup!"
"The deal was you'd kill your family, not just your wife."
"Not little Suzy and Jimmy!"
"Yeah Satan, but first I've got a little joke for you."
"No! I'll kill them! I'll kill them, just get out of my head!"
Rolling out of bed again Satan walks down the hall being careful not
to step on the carcasses. Opening the door slightly he peaks into the
childrens room. Thinking for a moment Satan makes piano wire appear in his
left hand.
"Time to die kiddies."
Strangling the children two at a time while they scream and choke on
their own blood Satan feels nothing but pleasure knowing that the hideous
voice will be out of his head.
Hearing the commotion, God calls the police and tells them what's
going on next door.
"911 emergency."
"Hello is this the police?"
"Yes it is, how may I help you."
"This is god over in apartment 1B."
"Where's that at?"
"It's over in Heaven. Anyways, there's a commotion going on over at
old man Satan's place. I can hear a bunch of screaming and running around."
"Okay, thanks for calling, we'll send some guys right over."
"Alright Satan, get down on your knees!"
"I thought you'd just shutup if I killed the kids!"
"Oh, so you did kill your children!"
"Oh, shit it's the cops!"
With amazing speed the police handcuff Satan and take him down to the
station.
(The next night on the evening news)
And in other news, Satan, acclaimed "Prince of Darkness" was arrested
on the charges of first degree murder. Here now with more of the story is
correspondent Peter Frank.
Thanks Jane, I'm down here at the station where Satan is just being
taken from the police car. Let's see if we can get a few words.
(Insert Satan walking past covering his face with cape)
(Three months later on Court T.V.)
"My client would like to plead not guilty on the causes of temporary
insanity. My client claims to have been ordered to kill his wife and kids
by star of the hit sitcom 'Full House' Bob Saget."
"The Devil made me do it! The Devil made me do it!"
"That's quite enough Satan, bailif restrain that man!"
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"How the meat ball got its name."
Submitted By - Mercuri
(The following is to be read in an italian accent.)
[--------]
Vinny: "Hmmm, hey toni!@ Com'ere!"
Toni: "Whadaya got a-there, Vinny?"
Vinny: "A ball a-meat-a!@"
Toni: "Whadaya a-gunna call it-a?"
Vinny: "Hmmm, datsa good question!"
Toni: "Hmm... Ball a meat, Meat ball. Hmmm."
Vinny: "What'd you just-a say!?"
Toni: "Uh, meat ball?"
Vinny: "Dats it! I'lla call it 'da Meat-a Ball-a!"
Toni: "It's a-catchy!"
(Vinny and Toni raise wine glasses and toast)
Vinny: "To 'da meat ball!"
Toni: "To 'da meat-a ball-a!"
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The following appeared in Slinky 3. It speaks for itself.
[--------]
RUSSIAN LADIES want to meet you!
For a free color brochure, mail:
European Connections, Inc.
Dept. 202 - P.O. Box 888851
Atlanta, GA 30356
Or call:
(770) 458/0909
Meet chicks! Get sex from commies!
[--------]
Printed without written expression from Slinky. Nyah.
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"Advice From The Snorkles"
Submitted By - Handle
Ooo, lot's of fun letters this month let's get right down to it and
dish out some advice.
[--------]
Letter:
Dear Handle,
Yo Handle, what's up? I was just wondering if you could give
me some advice. I was banging this guy Vinnie's wife, while he was out of
town. Ya see, I was sposed' to be lookin' after her and we kinda' got it
on! If ya' know what I mean. Anyways, now this guy is like gonna kill me
and I totally don't know what to do. How do I hide from the mafia? Help
me!
Signed,
Bloddy in Brooklyn
Response:
Dear Bloody,
In response to your question, not much is up. I'm just
writing this column.
[--------]
Letter:
Dear Handle,
Recently my boyfriend has been pressuring me into sex after
he found out that some of his friends were doing it. Pre-marital sex goes
against everything I was taught, I know it's wrong, but somehow, I want it.
Signed,
A girl in a town that
doesn't begin with a Q
Response:
Dear Girl,
Break up with him and blame him for making you confused about
your sexuality. Now start banging girls and smoking pot.
[--------]
Letter:
Dear Handle,
I have recently been informed that I only have four months to
live. I figured that I would just strap some bombs to my chest and move to
China. I could detonate the bombs, blowing up Beijing and taking out a
bunch of commie bastards. There's only one problem, my mom says I can't.
Signed,
Debbie Does Dallas
Response:
Dear Debbie,
Your mother is right! Normally taking out Communist Pinkos is
a great idea, but I have different plans in mind for you. I have recently
been informed that Joe has been aprehended in route to the volcanoe. This
is very important, society as we know it dries out for you to throw
yourself into the volcanoe. If you fail there will be no more orange soda.
[--------]
Letter:
Dear Handle,
Recently some of my friends have been pressuring me to smoke
pot. I really don't know if I should, my mom says that pot is really bad
stuff and it could hurt you. Is pot really all that bad? What should I do?
Signed,
Hippy in Happyville
Response:
In my experience there is only one thing that you can do. Start a
third rate rock band with a few of your hippy friends and then kill yourself.
Your band will become real popular... trust me.
[--------]
Letter:
To whom it may concern,
WE ARE CLOSING IN ON MERCURI, IF YOU WANT TO SEE HIM DEAD
FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS. GO TO OUR MEETING PLACE AND SHOVE TWELVE FREE
BUFFET COUPONS IN THE CRACK IN THE WALL. iF WE RECEIVE THESE COUPONS BEFORE
MIDNIGHT TOMORROW WE WILL SHOOT MERCURI GANGLAND EXECUTION STYLE. yOU WILL
BE RID OF HIM FOREVER.
X
Response:
Whoops, disregard that last letter.
[--------]
Letter:
Dear Handle,
I've noticed that incest has yet to be mentioned in this
months column. I decided to write this letter to lower the decency of your
column. KILL THE POPE!!!!!!
Signed,
Bob Dole
Response:
Thanks for your letter Mr. Dole, and good luck with that whole
president thing. Okay, I guess that would be a good place to end our little
shindig. How bout' we go out with "Joyride" by Roxette.
(start music) Come on and join the joy ride, join the joy ride. (end music)
============================================================================
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Top Ten Reasons why pUck!
is going to rool
da wurld.
10. My daddy can kick your daddy's ass.
9. My penis is eight feet long, and in extreme
situations, can be used as a bludgeoning
weapon.
8. Juan and Cindy(*) are now my slaves.
7. I have piktoorz of President Clinton
shaving gerbils and ramming them up his ass.
Blackmail value: 10,000,000$ , A Quarter Pounder,
and some PRIME real-estate in Arkansas.
6. Females are irrisistably attracted to my magnetic
personality. (BWahaHaHAAHaahaaHa!#@$:) )
5. I have hacked NBC's "Dateline" Email account
on AOL and now have all the dirt on the
Government. Plus some great porn GIF's
of Jane Pauly using Aardvarks as dildos.
4. Robert Shapiro and Johnny Cochrane are my
lawyers. I will never be convicted of anything.
3. I Write for rad, and I don't phear mogel.
2. I tracked down and assasinated the 'Puck' from
MTV's the "Real World" as a favor to all
Shakespeare lovers and because he was giving me
a bad name.
1. eYe 4/x\ 'l33tU|-| Th4/\/ y0 p|-|1$h!@#$%
(* Juan and Cindy are the small invisible children
that cause all problems. Originally, I was of the
belief that they should be tracked down and killed,
but I saw their usefulness and hypnotised them with
my eight foot penis and promises of all the oreos
they can eat.)
============================================================================
============================================================================
"Santa Was A Pinko"
Submitted By - Handle
Hello boys and girls, gather round while uncle Handle tells you a
little story about Santa. Now I know that someone down at the playground
might have told you something like...
"Your such a fag Billy, everybody knows that Santa isn't real. How
utterly lame are you?"
Well that kid was a little pinko bastard covering up for his comrads.
In fact Santa is real, and he is an evil bastard. The story of Santa Clause
dates back all the way to the 1800's and to Karl Marx. Karl Marx was in
fact the first Santa, and he was also the original pinko. Santa was an evil
man who traveled around Mother Russia and redistributed the wealth, he had a
long white beard, and wore a big red commie suit. In later years, after
Karl died they genetically enginered a clone to look exactly like him. This
Santa had a horrible idea, an idea that would some day open the world to
communist rule. He would travel to U.S. where he would visit all of the
little childrens houses and take their social security numbers.
I have theorized that Hippy Messiah Jerry Garcia was to be the next
Santa Clause but unfortunately he died before he could pick up the job...
hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Ahem, sorry about that I couldn't help myself.
Well you might have a few questions like, "How does that Commie Bastard
visit all the worlds houses in one night?" Well the answer to that
question is in fact a quite scary one, there are thousands of genetically
engineered Karl Marx/Santa's throughout the world and they travel on Russian
rockets. That's right Russian rockets, the fall of the Soviet Empire was
all a lie. It's purpose was for us to forget all about those sneaky pinko
bastards. Then they would strike, they would use all of the stolen Social
Security numbers and crash our economy, then they would take over. If we
all would just kill one mall Santa next Christmas we could reduce the
Soviets power greatly. So kiddies remember this lesson, next Christmas go
out and slit the throats of all the Santas you see like warm butter. There
has been a picture of Karl Marx included in this issues zip file if you want
to check it out for yourself. What do Jerry Garcia, Karl Marx, and Santa
have in common? Two things, they are both the same person and they are all
a bunch of commies. I personally find it revolting that these "people"
would desocrate the Holiday of Christmas just because Jesus was also a pinko.
Don't beleive us about this whole thing? Look at "MARX.GIF" in the
raD six .zip file.
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"The Capture of the UniBomber"
Submitted By - K0de
[we see the back of a man sitting in a Lazy Boy recliner watching the news]
<News> "The FBI have finally caught the infamous Unibomber."
(shows man in orange jumpsuit and tweed jacket being led into court)
<man> (Evil, sinister tone) "HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!@$!!@
FOOLS!!!"
[fade out and fade into a green yard in the suburbs with family playing
catch in the yard and little Timmy O'Malley riding his bike]
Bob walks up to his mailbox and gets the mail.
<Bob> (muttering) "Bill... Bill... Child porn... Bill... WAIT! WHAT'S
THIS?! I am already a winner in the Publisher's
Clearinghouse Sweepstakes!@! Yahoooooooo!
Bob rushes inside the house and gazes at the picture of Ed McMahon on the
front. Bob's hands are nervously opening the envelope.
[Insert drum roll for prize type effect]
ta-da! KABLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEYYYY!@!!@!
[Hospital, the following day]
Bob has awakened after countless of hours of surgery to try to piece the
parts of his body back together.
<Nurse> "What happened to him doctor?"
<Doctor> "I dont know... if he could only tell us... His lips were fused
together in the explosion"
[later]
<Doctor> "Bob, was there anything special you remember about that package?"
<Bob> (Mumbling) "Eeeeh Muuuuuuh Maaaaah"
[Doctor becomes puzzled with who this Eeeeh Muuuuuuh Maaaaah was]
The Doctor pulled his shiny BMW into the driveway and got out. He was
shifting through the mail when he came upon the Publisher's Clearinghouse
and saw the picture of Ed McMahon and ran to his beamer and drove like Hell
to the police.
<Policeman#1> "So... you're telling me Ed McMahon is the Unibomber...
NEWSFLASH!! they cought the unibomber!"
<Doctor> "That Ted dude isnt the real Unibomber! it's Ed McMahon!"
<Policeman#2> "Yeah, ok buddy. You might wanna take this up with a shrink"
<Doctor> "Look... just check it out... go to Ed McMahon's house."
<Policeman#2> "Well...i dont kn...."
<Doctor> "I'LL GIVE YOU DONUTS!"
<Policeman#1> "Go get my keys #2!"
[They drive to the home of Ed McMahon. His butler tells the police that he
is at his vacation house in Montana. They then drive to Montana]
They come to the summer home of Ed McMahon, a shack in the woods with no
electricity and running water. They begin to search the contents of the
shack.
<Policeman#1> "Hey #2... look at this... bomb instructions and some
explosives..."
<Policeman#2> "Hey... how about this fuse wire here, and the mailing address
of Bob on the desk"
[Insert misc. searching noises]
<Policeman#2> "What's this booklet? hmm, it is labelled with a bunch of
computer symbols"
<Policeman#1> "Oh, that's just raD #1. Throw it away."
<Policeman#2> "BINGO! The Unibomber Manifesto."
[Ed McMahon is hunted down and arrested by federal agents and sent to
federal prison for a lifetime sentence]
Moral: Watch out for ex-late night sidekicks and guys that wear twead
jackets over their prison outfit are never bad.
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"Heather the Chicken Hippy"
Submitted By - Handle
The other day while watching my esteemed television set my eyes and
ears gazed upon a commercial that simply broke my heart. The commercial
told of a young promising girl that had unlimited potential, a girl that was
corrupted by hippies. Upon hearing this horrible story I called the girls
mother. According to the girls mother she didn't see this coming yet I
instantly noticed the early warning signs. This girls mother was an idiot
and I blame her for everything. She did not put an end to this after the
girl in question displayed the following signs of hippydom.
(1) She wished to change her name from Heather to Feather
(2) She danced around the living room to loud obnoxious music
(3) She was appalled at the thought of poultry being fried in delicious
batter
(4) She was suddenly concerned about the welfare of the worlds many whales
(5) She was coming home baked and wearing flowers in her hair
Well, maybe I made up that last one, but it had to have been
happening. It tears my guts to see that we keep on losing the young ones.
Why do we lose so many of our youth to hippydom? Why God? Why couldn't you
just take me? This has got to stop, we have to stand up to all of these
hippies lying around our nation and bringing down our property value. It is
natural for Americans to hate hippies. It is Godly for old men to sit on
their porches and mentally spit at the young yuppy scum that they see every
day. They can't truly enjoy their well deserved retirement with all of the
scum bringing down the country that they made great. Right now I am
officially going to start, without Mercuri's consent, the raD militia. The
purpose of the raD militia is going to be to strike fear into the hearts of
hippies around the nation! I want all of the hippies to throw down their
joints and howl, "Here comes that bastard Handle and the God damned raD
militia!"
Face it people there isn't just one queen hippy that we can kill to
get rid of them, I know, I've checked. We are going to send all of those
old codgers to their graves with a smile on their faces because they are
going to know that we will clean up the streets and get rid of the hippies!
As a member of the raD militia you will vowe to make fun of hippies every
time you see them and cripple them any time you can get away with it. If
you join the raD militia your name will appear among the honored few who can
truly say that they have done some good in the world. If you wish to join
the raD militia contact Mercuri, he'll send you a certificate of membership
and you will be one of the mighty. We will not stop fighting hippies until
we are no longer physically capable! I don't want you to quite fighting
hippies until you die, if a hippy pulls out a gun and fires at you, you keep
coming, dodging all of the bullets you can! Then if they hit you with half
a dozen slugs you keep coming crawling on your knees, then in haste the
hippy will pour a few more bullets into you, but you won't stop, you'll just
slither on your belly until you get to him and then bite his ankles! Now
that is what a member of the raD militia is going to be! We don't need no
pantywaistes sitting in the shadows and watching hippies get high behind
McDonalds. raD milita members will be the most eleete people on this planet
and you can be one of them. I just hope Merc goes along with this whole
thing. Death to the longhairs!
[-------]
** Editor's note: Of course I'll go along with it. And, if you DO
contact me, I will make you a certificate, a real paper one, not made out of
pixels or that cheap papyrus the Egyptians used. Or clay ones like the
Sumerians, or -- well.. you know. Real paper.. And I'll send it to
you. Hippies need not apply.
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"I Lost My Pants In Vietnam"
Submitted By - Mercuri
Ron was an all American boy, he was an athlete. And when he
graduated from high school he joined the Army. He was thrilled when a war
broke out in Vietnam. He was one of the first to go and fight the blood-
thirsty enemy.
[--------]
Fast forward to a hot, humid day in the Vietnamese jungles. The
troops were out patrolling when guns blasted and killed Ron's bestest best
friend, Bubba. The boy with big guuums.
Ron was mad, he charged at the Victor Charlie, who got his name when
one Bubba mistook a Vietnamese for his Uncle Victor Charlie. The name
stuck. As Ron ran, his pants snagged on some barbed wire. The pants ripped
off his legs. The fighting stopped, and the VC just laughed, they laughed
and laughed. And then they bantered him: "Hahaha! Joe no pants! Joe got
no pants! Hahah!"
Why did they call him Joe? That was the common name for all US
troops in Vietnam. It came to be when one of the VC mistook an American
troop for a cup of coffee. Hence the name "Joe".
Patches, Ron's second bestest best friend, slung Ron over his
shoulder and carried him back to the base infirmary, where Ron became
conscious and talked with the doctor.
"Be straight with me doc, is there anything you can do?"
"The only thing we can do for you right now, is to possibly pump you
full of morphine, and put a towel around your waist. And possibly you could
move to Scotland. But it's an awful risky surgery, and the Scot's don't
like grown men with towels wrapped around there waist, they think it looks
like a dress."
[Enter Mercuri]
"SHUTUP!@ I'M SCOTTISH!"
[Exit Mercuri]
"What a liar. He's Austro-Scottish."
[Enter Mercuri]
"YEAH, BUT THAT WOULD HAVE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING GOING ON."
[Exit Mercuri]
"Oh. Okay. Anyway, you would look like the guy in Brave Heart, have
you ever seen Brave Heart?"
"This is supposed to be the 70s doc."
"Oh.. hehe.. Yeah, gotcha. *wink wink*"
Ron passes on the surgery and lives the next 22 years of his life as
a hermit, only coming out to stare at the moon and laugh in the rain. As
mad men tend to do. Patches finally locates Ron after a twenty year search.
He should've checked in the phone book first.
Patches begins to open Ron's horizons. Every time they go out
together Patches straps a barrel to Ron so people won't laugh at him. Like
the guys in the cartoons do. Patches always was a provider. Patches takes
Ron into a department store to wait while he picks up some perfume for his
wife.
Ron see's the isles and racks of clothes, and begins to wander around
when he suddenly stops. He stopped infront of a rack full of pants and
began to cry. A sales lady stopped and asked him:
"Can I help you?"
"I used to have pants just like this."
"Would you like to try some on?"
"You would do that for me? You have in in-house surgeon?"
"Yes, he's the best in the business. He wrote an article about your
problem in the New England Journal of Medicine. He's the best there is."
"But his prices are outrageous!"
"Cheap bastard." - Sales Lady
"I'm not Scottish!"
[Enter Mercuri]
"SHUTUP!@ I'M SCOTTISH!"
[Exit Mercuri]
"You're Austro-Scottish."
[Enter Mercuri]
"BUT I'M STILL SCOTTISH."
[Exit Mercuri]
"He does have a point there. This is still too expensive, thanks
anyway."
"Sure thing."
[--------]
Will Ron get the operation? Will patches find the perfume he's
looking for? Will Mercuri defend his bloodlines? Find out in "I Lost My
Pants in Vietnam: Part II - Los Pantalones"
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"Leprosy"
Submitted By - Creed
I HAVE A VAN, I PAINTED IT GREEN.
I HAVE A VAN, IT'S VERY CLEAN.
IT HAS A WATERBED IN THE BACK.
ALL THE GIRLEES WANNA BUMP ME CUZ I'M DA DADDY OF THE MACK.
I CALL IT THE PHATMOBILE.
CUZ, BABY, WHEN I'M IN IT, I'M HELL ON WHEELS.
DON'T PISS ME OFF OR I'LL RUN YOUR ASS DOWN.
SPEAKERS BUMPIN' TO THE RAP MUSIC, ALL AROUND TOWN.
YOU BETTER NOT STEP TO THE PHATMOBILE.
OR I MAY JUST GET WHACKED AND PAINT THE THING TEAL.
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Radioactive Aardvark Dung * A Monthly 'Zine Published By Aardvark Industries
President/Head Editor/Writer * Mercuri * Vice President/Writer * Handle
raD Mega'zine whq is * Erebus * sysop * Hooch @ 201-762-1373
ftp.etext.org /pub/Zines/RAD * rad@erebus.magsystems.com
Be sure to read rad-dist.ro
http://pla-net.net/corp/zineworld/rad/
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