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[ null - issue number one, september circa 1996 ]
[ editors - myrddin (gerritt) and krieg (chris) ]
[ music - be listening to 311's "All mixed up" and "Dont stay home", or else ]
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disclaimer ::
null magazine is NOT to be read or understood by the following : fruit bats,
large home appliances, the letter q, odly colored vegetables, orangutans, any
carnivorus utilties of destruction and/or utilities of the bathroom, blinking
green lights, stop watches, small women and old children, the lost boys (only
applicable if not in the fatherly hand of peter pan), socks with faces, govt
approved cheese, copper nickels, law students, the coroner and racist camels.
any of those partys reading this magazine may not receive health benefits not
granted to anyone else or anyone in the first place. void within ten seconds.
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" be a loyal plastic robot, for a world that doesnt care " - frank zappa
welcome ::
thanks for taking the time to read this, i hope it is as enjoyable for
you to read as it was for us to produce. krieg and myself will/should be
releasing null every so often. you can always get issues direct from me via
email or you can subscribe to the mailing list. paying attention to grammar
just screws up my entire train of thought, so i dont worry about it. and if
you ever were to submit something to null, you dont have to bother with it
either. now i cant say that i dont love writing all this stuff with the help
of only one other person, but i really enjoy seeing other peoples writings,
so if you have something, no matter how stupid or deep, send it, use an alias
i dont care, its fun!
if you want to subscribe to the null mailing list, email oceans@gate.net
and in the body of the message simply type "give me null!" without the quotes
obviously. i'll post a homepage address for the null page next issues, i'm
not quite done with it yet.
with that terse introduction out of the way let us proceed. oh, and if
you were wondering what the heck null was, its a electronic magazine devoted
to anything. its fun to write, it gives me something to do in spare time and
i can finally write something without having it graded. oh well, on to the
euphoric lunacy. enjoy.
myrddin (oceans@gate.net)
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arteekles ::
1.0.1 - ravings of a lunatic . myrddin
1.0.2 - the robbing of phsyical interaction . myrddin
1.0.3 - beef stew is good . myrddin
1.0.4 - a review of pearl jams newest release 'no code' . myrddin
1.0.5 - late breaking, earth shaking news! . myrddin
1.0.6 - damn cops (another skate-hate) . myrddin
1.0.7 - the lyrics to call any vegetable . myrddin
1.1.0 - kriegs sect intro . krieg
1.1.1 - dear mr willow wusk . krieg
1.1.2 - deadbeat . krieg
1.1.3 - the song of the wumpus . krieg
1.1.4 - awesome jokes . krieg
1.1.5 - king mongolious . krieg
1.1.6 - new york poetry . krieg
1.1.7 - the million dollar man . krieg
1.1.8 - the adventures of tar boy . krieg
1.1.9 - definition of a whumpus . krieg
1.1.10 - glooev . krieg
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1.0.1 - ravings of a lunatic (interview with krieg) . myrddin
exscuse me sir, may i ask you a few questions?
woooheee, hehehehe
umm, ok, how did you get admited here?
hmm, loo loo? loooo!! hahahaha!! weeee!!!
er, ok, anyway, do you ever think you'll be able to leave?
who? me? no me! you! teeeheeeheee, lalalala ...
right, on with it, why are you here?
*cough* hehehehehe, hooooohahaha *cough*
your not making much sense, bloody lunatic
i am a slig, you are a slog, you eat a blug i eat a blog
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1.0.2 - the robbing of physical interaction . myrddin
take your time
learn the machine
it runs your life
it makes you scream
dont know the
neighbors name
the box or me
who should i blame?
manifestor of thought
inside your head
lost in the muck
floatin round dead
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1.0.3 - beef stew is good . myrddin
ah, wonderous stew! how much i lub you. carrots, potatoes, beef and beans,
you add to the sauce such wonderous things! cooked on a stove, out in the
woods, a waft of your smell, floats over the grove.
you are so good, on a cold winter night, on a warm summer day, on a red
leather kite! stew are you, and you taste good, i dedicate this now to the
delicious stew, whom i dub, harry.
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1.0.4 - a review of pearl jams 'no code' . myrddin
all together, an awesome album. ever since i bought my first cd ever,
'ten' when i was like 11 or something i have loved pearl jam. they rock
live, i love thier sound and lyrical value. this wasnt a letdown like 'vs'.
a lot more percussion on no code, sounds great, get it today! ****
songs to listen for : sometimes, smile, off he goes and lukin. although all
the songs of the cd rule. just like 'ten' ..
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1.0.5 - late breaking, earth shaking news! . myrddin
i wish i had some, darn, i was really excited about this section too. oh well
maybe i'll have something import to say next month, most likely not. *sigh*
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1.0.6 - damn cops! . myrddin
anyone who skateboards in areas that have cops know what im talking about.
skating in an empty parking lot yesterday i was havin fun, not bothering a
soul, there wasnt even a car within 50 yards of mine. as i was working on my
heelflip i noticed a cop bout 200 yards from where i was. not wanting to leave
i simply continued skating. he drove over on his way out, and blubbered the
famous :
" now listen, i dont want to have to arrest you, so stop skating and leave "
laws suck. one of these days im gonna go down to the station and check out
if there even is such a law, we'll see. anyway, its not that i dont understand
why they make us leave (laws, stupid laws). i just think they could be a lot
cooler about it.
fact is, they have the thought that "all skaters a punks" when they come
out. now i know a lot of skaters are, but im not, my pants stay above my ass,
i dont dress like some gangster, far from it. i look more like poindexter then
a skater, but im not, and i never will be poindexter, hehe. i have a 4.0 gpa
and never get in trouble. and yet, the instant i jump on my board, im a
bonified gangster punk who's gonna beat up old ladies and rob from 711's. bah.
oh well, there isnt much i can do about it. i live in a really small
town, with a very large police force. maybe someday we'll get a better name
or at least in-liners would get the same cop-hated status :) that would make
me happy. whatever.
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1.0.7 - the lyrics to call any vegetable by frank zappa . myrddin
i love this song so much, i just thought id share the wonderful lyrics
with anyone who hasnt heard the song. its off of the mothers of invention,
" absolutely free ".
call any vegetable, call it by name
call one today when you get off the train
call any vegetable and the chances are good
that the vegetable will respond to you
(some people dont go for prunes..|
..dont know, ive always found that if they..)
call any vegetable, pick up your phone
think of a vegetable lonely at home
call any vegetable and chances are good
that the vegetable will respond to you
rutabaga, rutagaba,
rutabaga, rutagaba,
rutabay-y-y-y...
(a prune isnt really a vegetable..|
cabbage is a vegetable..)
no one will know
if you dont want to let them know
no one will know
less its you that might tell them so
call and theyll come to you
smiling and covered with dew
vegetables dream, vegetables dream,
vegetables dream, of responding to you
standing there shiney and proud by your side
holding your joint while the neighbors decide
why is a vegetable something to hide?
a lot of people dont bother about their
friends in the vegetable kingdom. they
think: oh, ah, what can i say? what can
a person like myself, say to a vegetable?
but the answer is simple, my friends:
just call, and tell them how you feel
about muffins...pumpkins...wax
paper...caledonia, mahoganies, elbows
...green things in general...and
soon, a new rapport...you and your
new little green and yellow buddies,
grooving together..oh no! maintaining
your coolness together! worshipping
together, in the church of your
choice...(only in america)...
call any vegetable, call it by name
you gotta call one today
when you get off the train
call any vegetable
and the chances are good
WOW! that the vegetable will respond to you!
oh no! can you see them responding? the
pumpkin is breathing hard...h-h-h-h
h-h-h-H-H-H-H-H-H - H - HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(what a pumpkin!)
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1.1.0 - kriegs sect . krieg
here eye am, krieg reporting from null studios. yeah, this shit rocks
aight. one day myrddin was sittin around trying to make some stupid font
and he messed it up. he suddenly got inspired by the frog god (goolim-whur)
and came up with Null. after a couple of handy phone calls, to me and other
bums alike, that big bum myrddin got dis shittz togetha.
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1.1.1 - dear mr willow wusk . krieg
Dear Mr Willow Wusk
what a nice time is dusk
to pat you on your little head
and to put you in your lovely bed
Dear Mr Willow Wusk
tis now time to polish my tusk
you are now sound asleep
and I know you shal not peek
Dear Mr Willow Wusk
im not sorry and this is a must
you will never again wake
you shal die at my spilntered stake
Dear Mr Willow Wusk
besides my smelly musk
your flesh rots in my teeth
and I now smell like a beast
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1.1.2 - deadbeat . krieg
walkin down my first street think of flaming toilets was funny to me
when i was 5. but now the voilence level of flaming toilets disturbes me.
how could you stoop so low to even smell a toilet. now i like to sit on
the toilets at track meets, and know that a track star let out a truckload
after an 880 relay, or somethin. i guess i am obsessed with toilets. they
are soo beutiful. yes. i have more fish in the toilet than the aquarium.
damn, i have more toilets in my room than you have purple bufoons in your
whole house! yeah, just wait till i get going. i saw two deadbeats on a
blonde toilet sphinkster (never learned how to spell spinctor).
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1.1.3 - the song of the wumpus . krieg
<chorus> -eye yey eye yeyyey eye yey eye
yeah, i was a walRus, aaaaaa WalRUs yeh yeah!
okkkkkk now, come on yeah, sing wit me, yeah yeh yeh,
me be WalrUSY yeh! bang yeh yeh yeah i Farteed yeh yeh yeh
come on, now fart wit me! yeh, yeh yeah YEAH!
<chorus> -eye yey eye yeyyey eye yey eye
OOOHHH KAY , ok ok ok yeh yeah, me be a lil whumpus yeh yeah YEAH!
..krieg .. umm this sucks, ill eat my tacos now!
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1.1.4 - awesome jokes . krieg
@ why is a skeleton white?
% i dunno
@ because it has sat on lotsa toilets when it was alive
% how stupid of me
@ yeah dumbass
@ like when does it rain cats and dogs?
% i know, i know!, on the day that i eat yellow jello
@ umm, not quite
@ it rains cats and dogs on the day that a slig from Dark Sun (tm) eats a
@ ...slother
% shit yer good, hahaha laffy taffy yoo yes aweshome!
@ ok, ok heres another
% ok ok, more more, yeah yeah (pisses his pants)
@ ok, how do you spell education?
% education i think.
@ you are a mORON!, here.. edjucayshion
% damn, i get all F's howa bout you???
@ straight A's
% damn yer smart, you are my hero (breaks in to spasms and has a spaz!)
@ hmm, why is a raven like a writing desk??
% it has wings and so does a writing desk.
@ almoast, yer learnin now
@ a raven has stuff in its stomach, and a desk has stuff in its drawers
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1.1.5 - king mongolious . krieg
Prince of the apes, king of monkeys, king mongolious was a proud
gorilla who was coo. One day king mongoli was sittin around when this
creep came up to his camoflouge tree house and wanted in. This freak was
Rif of the fox tribe (yes!!). Well Rif was a very proud dude. King
mongoli took of his trowsers and dropped some urine on Rifs new spring
coat!. Shit Rif yelled as the urine splashed down. "You want shit well here
" yaked the king. Suddenly a huge elephant that was made out of shit, and
some rocks hit Rifs tale. Rif ate the elephant and almoast killed the king
with his hideous breath. The king loved the smell so they became friends.
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1.1.6 - new york poetry . krieg
i live in da new yourk city
i called da police but the line was busy
the bugs were eating a grizzly
and it made it look pretty
icecream was sliding on willow-wog
and shumy the dummy was sittin on his hat
and tombombagog was eatin a frog
the fogs were eatin dogs
and the fogwathian frog men were asleep
and bugs were eating a grizzly...
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1.1.7 - the million dollar man . krieg
Once apon a time there was a homeless millon dollar man. He couldnt see, that
made him blind. One day he lost his cain. Some Polish woman gave him a hug.
He fell in love with her. She told him about some of her inventoins. One was
a silent radio, another was a solar powered flashlight. The last, and
best was her water proof sponge! (i made up 2 of theese). She was a real
smart blonde. She had chronic urine syndrom. The millon dollar man had to
sleep on a different bed. Hers was one big toilet. A little rabbit named
skunny ate her urine. It smelled good. Skunny met his own wife in the toilet.
She was a virus that lived on urine. Skunny beat his meat until his half
virus, half wife went onto his urine.
::krieg:: hey spankey, get outta da bathroom!
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1.1.8 - the adventures of tar boy . krieg
uno comade was a tar boy. he wanted to become a tar-baby when he grew up.
instead he became a laughing blodo. he went down the streets of kilan-brools
jive'n in monkey jive. yeah this dwip-wick named joe thought he could eat
a whole slice of pizza. well i think you know what happened to little joey!
he scarfed one of them peper-owni-s and hacked into the internet. after
his geek-lizard gave out and then he had to bathroom. that was when the
flying whumpus looked in his window. it stared for 5 hours at little joey.
that kid must of been wetting his p-j's all night. in the morning the nurse
ate his bed-pan. she had tar on her skirt, which reminded joe of his best
friend tar-boy. joe ran for the door, but the whumpus broke through the
window and grabed him with his snufolufigus device.
..krieg ..umm its 2:00am, dont bother me..
ahh i think a whumpus is in my window!!!!!!!!
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1.1.9 - definition of a whumpus . krieg
a whumpus is a weird creature that is part elephant, part snufolufigus,
part teddy bear, and part elephulumph. it drinks water and eats water.
one day a big red cloud of morons came down to earth. this little frog-boy
threw a rock at it. these cool guys said that he had a frog-arm. they laughed
and kicked his ass until they heard his skull cry uncle. and the wind cried
mary. the red cloud of morons went into frog-boys body and helped him to
become more of a freak. now he was cool. freaks rule, but not the kind that
try to grow sunflowers under your computer, and on your pillow. because this
happened to me, and every morning the sunflowers on my pillow combed my hair.
i cut them down, because i dont want to go to school looking stupid with
combed hair.
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1.1.10 - glooev . krieg
slaads and sligs are farms for rodent maggots. they chew thier ice cream
off of the bean trees. The yellow bunny named donney went to school just to
eat lunch with his pal, wog. wog eas eating pepper one day when donney brought
in a block of chalk. they ate the block in one minnite and eleven secys. i ate
chain mail once and a little boys rotten glove. he sold it to me for negative
one hundred dollards. it was a deal. i wrote on my pencil that it was my
friendy. i then ate it. that night when i was asleep a big blug slaad came
and ate all my hair. i didnt mind until everyone thought i was normal, i
wanted to be a freak like everyone else. i ate black jello and declared myself
an insane dwarf. I saw this groovy green slig hobbling down the wagon trail
that went down to the rotten lagoon. that is when gliham murh the snrf god ate
my shoes. i think it was fun to follow the slig with bare feet. i touched the
sligs back, and it cut off all my fingers. it was so funny. i liked to watch
my fingers fly into the sligs mouth. we had a picknic. he shared some of my
fingers with me. they were so good, i cut off my toes. donkey corn grew next
to the inn, called the flying platypuss. i heard a of a dragon that ate corn.
i then saw corn being planted. i sat in the corn field for a month until the
corn grew, then killed it all. my village suddenly went poor, i dont know why.
corn costs alot now. i want my bunny blanket. chocklate charm elves cast a
spell on my fogwathian pet named blurrf. he is green. he is a kid, that is
fifty years old. i ate the rest of my ice cream from a year ago, and let out
a satisfying ogg.
..krieg.. humble wizard noblag, please grant me my frog. oK>?
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thats all really, we had fun just releasing this issue, feedback from
peoples on what we should or could do is nice to hear. either way, thanks
for reading and look for the next null release in a couple weeks.
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[ all this stuff is copyright null magazine 1996 all rights reserved. ]