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t h e n e o - c o m i n t e r n e l e c t r o n i c m a g z i n e
I n s t a l l m e n t N u m b e r 1 6 6
We Are the New International
August 11th, 2001
Editor: BMC
Writers:
Gnarly Wayne
BMC
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;P Featured in this installment .b
$ $
$ I Get the Papers - Gnarly Wayne $
$ Spiralling to Success - BMC $
`q p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
EDITOR'S NOTE
(please do not read the following)
poem:
The cat came
sat on my lap
farted
walked away
I m i s s y o u
!
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;P I GET THE PAPERS .b
`q by Gnarly Wayne p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
I took the bathroom key from its perch on the thumbtack in the cork
board. I nodded to my co-worker.
"Gonna take a shit", I said and left the office.
I unlocked the door and entered the john. No one was there. I was
pretty excited. I entered the stall, took down the pants and also the
drawers, and proceeded to sit on the can. I noticed something black and
white and read all over next to me. It was a newspaper that someone had
left.
"Hey, this is great", I thought to myself, "now I can read and not
just stare blankly at the toilet roll." It was a great read. It took
well over an hour to get through the whole thing. Very pleased and
happy, I flushed the toilet and washed my hands. I looked at myself in
the mirror. I looked like someone who just had a great read and a great
dump.
Back at the office, my co-workers inquired as to why I took so
long. I just grinned and gave them the wink and the gun. They smiled
knowingly, or so I supposed. Work continued as usual.
The next day at my regular shitting time, I was not expecting
a repeat of the yesterday. However, destiny shone on me once again.
Another paper. Current. Uncreased. Beautiful. My smile was so large
it continued past my face and even creatures in the astral plane could
see my delight. The read proved no less spectacular than the previous.
I went home that night, secretly hoping that another paper would be there
the next day. I lost three hours of sleep that night as I tossed and
turned. How much longer could my luck last?
A lot longer, apparently. For no less than two full weeks, I had
papers to read. Shortly after the first week, I declared myself Happiest
Man in the Universe, though I informed no one as to why. Nothing got my
mood down. I read about wars, murders, some women drowning her five
children; it was all good. I had always thought ignorance was utter
bliss; I was wrong. It was the joyful union of releasing waste and
reading at the same time. I wondered if the man who brought in the paper
was as happy as I. Stands to reason that he was.
Then, one bright, sunny day, it stopped. I played it off, guessing
that the man was off for the day. The second day proved no different.
Perhaps he was on vacation. Three weeks later, and still nothing. I had
dropped to a scant 17 kilograms due to a lack of eating and drinking (and
breathing). At first, I was angry with the newspaper man. Had he no
regard for my feelings? How could he hurt me this way? Did he even know
I existed?
Then, I began to worry. Maybe he was fired. Maybe he died. Maybe
he just stopped leaving the newspaper in the toilet. Regardless of the
reason, I now realized that I loved him, not in the way a man loves a
woman, but in the way a man loves a fine Havana cigar after a full supper.
After a month I had lost all hope. My co-worker asked me why I
didn't just bring my own paper with me. I replied "Yeah, I suppose I
could do that."
But what would be the point?
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;P SPIRALLING TO SUCCESS .b
`q by BMC p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
-Prologue-
A story exists in my mind about a seal who once lived in one of the
world's most famous marine parks. Now I have been told by my editor that
I should tell you first off that this was the type of marine park where
creatures of the sea do tricks like balancing balls, leaping through
hoops, and other such things, but I don't think there is any need for me
to be so specific because these details will be explored later in the
story. In fact, it will all be cleared up in the next sentence.
This seal fellow, whose seal-name was Spiral (but would be referred
to by humans as Hector) had a specific job at the marine park. After
Spiral was purchased and abducted from the ocean, he was coerced into
doing tricks for an adoring crowd in exchange for fish and other
dainties. This made a great deal of money for the marine park, and they
intended to exploit it to the fullest possibility.
Notable is that at the onset of his new job, Spiral was disoriented
and unsure of his surroundings and what he was to do in them. And can
you blame him? I mean, what would you do if you were stolen from your
ocean home and thrown into a tank? He didn't know where he was, who he
was, or what he was supposed to be doing. He sat there for hours, trying
to remember what his name was, where he had come from, and why he was
here. This story is an account of what happened in that captivity.
-Story-
1200 hours Saturday 25
Spiral was woken up by the sound of people laughing and talking.
Someone stood above the water, holding a fish to satisfy Spiral's hunger.
Spiral swam to the top and looked at the hoop and the fish on the other
side. Spiral said, "What the fuck is going on?" in seal language and
scattered applause came from the oblivious human crowd that was seated in
small numbers to observe the water show. Spiral was confused. He jumped
through the hoop, grabbed the fish, and swam back to his secluded home
to ponder what had just transpired.
*-*
As spiral ate his fish he thought about the strange reaction he had
received at the water's surface. Had the masses of humans been angry at
him? Was there threat that they would hurt him? Or had there been some
other meaning in their response to his question? Was this the way that
these creatures spoke?
*-*
Having acquired their first seal-act, the trainer and the marine
park manager were quite impressed with the showing that the seal had
given them. They decided to bill him as "Hector, the hoop-jumping seal".
*-*
1200 hours, Sunday 26
Spiral was awakened, once again, by the smell of fish. He swam to
the surface, saw the hoop and the fish on the other side. Feeling
malnourished and hungry, he said, "It's about damn time!" in seal. The
crowd began to applaud and Spiral looked around to see smiling human
faces and looks of delight and astonishment. He grabbed the fish and
swam to the bottom.
*-*
'They liked my joke,' thought Spiral as he ate his fish.
*-*
"People really seem to like Hector's show," said Lackey One to
Lackey Two. "Yeah," said Lackey Two, "the Boss is going to make lots of
money off of this."
*-*
1200 hours, Monday 27
Spiral swam to the surface, looked at the adoring crowd, which
seemed to be growing in size, nearly filling the bleachers. `This
oughta grab them,' he thought. "CHECK THIS SHIZNIT OUT!" said he as he
jumped through the hoop, taking a moment to wink at a cute human girl in
the front row. The applause was louder than ever before, due to the
growth in the crowd's size.
*-*
`I'm the best! They love me! I'm a hero! I can do anything!'
thought Spiral, having completely forgotten about his predicament and
loss of identity.
*-*
"This is going better than I expected," said the Boss to Lackey
One, "Let's get going on that big ad campaign."
*-*
1200 hours Tuesday 28
Spiral swam to the surface with big thoughts in his head. `What
use is power like this,' thought he, `if not used for a worthy purpose?'
With a message in mind, Spiral looked around at the crowd, now filling
the bleachers entirely and some people having to stand due to (as Spiral
was unaware of) the influx of ticket sales.
Spiral greeted his audience with a nod, then screamed, "World
Peace! It's not too late!" And as he jumped through the hoop the crowd
went deliciously wild, louder than ever before, the decibels soaring and
satisfying Spiral's mind and sensibilities. Spiral dove back down, the
feeling of accomplishment puffing him up with pride.
*-*
`I'm really reaching them,' thought Spiral. `There's a difference
to be made in this world and I'm making it! But there is more that I can
do, and do it I must, for it is my duty to all of the world to tell human
society what can be done to heal the relationship between good-
intentioned human beings and all of the animals they slaughter for the
benefit of other well-intentioned human beings. The time has come for
humankind to become conscious of the pain inflicted upon our species and
many others for the sake of luxury and convenience. Once they know of
the circumstances, they will change their ways for the sake of
conscience and respect for life. I know it.'
*-*
Boss said, "My GOD, Lackey One, we're making a killing off this
seal! We've installed extra bleachers and we're still selling tickets
past capacity. It looks like we might have to get more seals! Maybe we
can make them have sex or fight or something! I'll be able to retire,
and maybe you can have a raise!"
*-*
1200 hours Wednesday 29
The crowd was bigger than it had ever been or would be again.
"People, listen to me! I have something important to tell you!"
The crowd clapped for Spiral.
"Listen, I have something important to say about the way human
beings treat other forms of life. I don't think you know the full
story. I have to let you know what's really going on!"
The crowd began to laugh.
"Why are you laughing at me? I am talking about my life and the
lives of other animals! Murdered, caged!
The huge crowd looked on in bored silence.
"I tell you, the way in which you... in which WE are living has got
to stop here and now!"
The crowd began to boo.
As the frustrated crowd began to file out of the area, the trainer
took the hoop and the fish back to the shed. Spiral sat there, hurt and
confused.
*-*
"What the fuck?" said Spiral. It seemed apparent to him that
humanity was not interested in treating animals ethically or changing
their ways at all. They were nothing but a bunch of murdering savages.
*-*
"Should we kill Hector?" said Lackey One. "Go ask the boss," said
Lackey Two, "I'll get the gun."
*-*
1215 hours Wednesday 29
The crowd left but for two young boys. Boy Two was angry because
Hector didn't jump through the hoop. Boy One had been to the show every
day for the last 5 days, but Hector had never failed to jump before. Why
did he only squeak and creak this time?
*-*
Spiral was approached by the two lackeys, one carrying the gun.
Spiral was shot.
*-*
The men carried Hector to the ocean and threw him in. "How long
before the tranquilizer wears off?" said Lackey One. "Same amount of
time as usual," said Lackey Two. "You know that, I know that. Why would
you say it? It's as though you are saying it just for the purpose of
revealing that we shot the seal with a tranquilizer dart and not a
bullet. And I already know the seal isn't dead."
*-*
Epilogue
When Spiral woke up he found himself with his family (the ocean is
a small place), and he eventually began to remember them again. He told
them of his trials in the human world, of his brush with fame, and how he
thought that humans were savages, but then realized that since they freed
him instead of killing him that they couldn't be all that bad.
Spiral spent the next few years up North, teaching other seals
about the high degree of respect he had gained from his encounter with
humankind until one day when seal-hunters came to his floating piece of
ice and smashed his skull with a hammer and killed him and his wife and
their children.
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___________________________________________________
|THE COMINTERN IS AVAILIABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBS'S |
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|
| TWILIGHT ZONE (905) 432-7667 |
| BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 |
| CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 |
| THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 |
|___________________________________________________|
| Website at: http://members.home.com/comintern |
| Questions? Comments? Submissions? |
| Email BMC at: thebmc@home.com |
|___________________________________________________|
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Copyright 2001 by The Neo-Comintern #166-08/11/01
All content is property of The Neo-Comintern.
You may redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the
content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any
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