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alt.angst.something.that.matters
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pixellated by godspat
From <<<<>>>>@chat.carleton.ca Tue Mar 25 23:59:29 1997
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Drunk, but that's the only time I'm honest...
From: (Chris Salter)
Date: 26 Mar 1997 07:59:29 GMT
Yes, I know, most people here don't pay any attention to me... Fuck it.
I still want to rant. Mostly because when I'm sober, I'm never honest
with myself.
Yes, I'm pissed off. My gf broke up with me today. Of course, she's
currently pregnant, by me. Yay. Fucking wonderful life.
That's not particularly what's got me upset... Although it's the
immediate cause, it's not the ultimate cause... I mean, seriously, how
many times do people have to say things like "You've treated me like an
absolute goddess, but..." and "If I were single, I'd go for you in a
second, but..." and "You seem like exactly the type of guy I *should* go
for, but..." and and and and... Fuck. I'm really getting fed up with
this. I can't be a complete asshole, because everyone's careful to be
really nice to me. But it still hurts. And with every gentle rejection,
it hurts more. There's no fucking reason I should be single. There's no
fucking reason I should be depressed. There's no fucking reason I should
be wandering around desperately searching for ways to avoid dealing with
the real world. But it all happens anyways. I'm still single. I'm
still depressed. I'm still trying to avoid real life, because it's too
god damned much for me. Every time I wander into what I consider the
real world, I get burned.
Fuck, I hate this. The universe, as usual, is making up for a big loss
with a bunch of small niceties... things like all the traffic lights
going my way... None of the cars spraying me with slush... Friends
willing (for a change) to lend me enough to get pissed... People I don't
know being nice to me... Fuck it. I don't want the little things. I
want something that matters for a fucking change. Something that'll make
a fucking difference in my life. Something that'll at least make me
think I'm worth someone's time.
That's what it's all about, isn't it? There's no self-validation... at
least not for me. I depend on other people. And other people are
willing to be my friend, but never anything more. Of course. Hell, I'm
surprised I have friends... the universe must be slipping. I spent gr 6
to gr 12 without any, I don't see why it's letting me have any now. But,
of course, I've been a fucking idiot and told them that I'm about to post
here. So they're going to see this and realise what a complete imbecile
I am, and tell me to fuck off.
But strangely, I think that'd be nice... It'd send me into a deep enough
apathy that nothing would matter... Someone could come up and beat the
shit out of me, and I wouldn't care... That's what I need now. At least
an hour of that state of mind. Caring hurts. It's caused me nothing but
pain, damnit. The good times are outweighed so heavily I don't think I
can think about it without crying... but I can't even cry anymore. As a
survival mechanism, I lost that ability years ago. Right now, I'm
thinking about all the pain... and all I can think is how nice it would
be to just stop caring... to just *not* *worry* any more. No more
suffering, at least for me... no more pain... no more people telling me
how wonderful I am as they're telling me they don't want to be close to
me... No more wondering why I'm alone when everyone I know seems to be
able to find someone without too much trouble... no more wondering how
long it's going to take before I don't care... Sleep doesn't even help,
because I can't sleep properly. No matter when I go to bed, I have to
lie awake for at least an hour before I can sleep... And in that hour, I
have to think. Fucking brain won't shut off. So I think about what's
happened in my life. Nothing horrifying, of course, no, that'd be easy.
Instead, just lots of little things... Nothing to break me, just lots of
shit to grind me down. If I could just stop caring, it wouldn't matter
any more... I wouldn't worry about whether or not my friends were about
to disappear... I wouldn't have to be upset that no-one cares for me
particulary... Fuck. Anything, now, I'd consider, if it'd just give me
that hour of not caring. Alcohol gives me a very short time. I need
more. I need at *least* an hour of not giving a shit.
But then again, for all my ranting, no-one here cares. In the home of
all angst, no-one cares that I'm feeling like shit. As usual. You're
all going to ignore this, as usual, and I'm going to be left feeling like
no-one cares, because no-one does, and until I get that through my thick
skull, I'm always going to be like this.
All I've ever wanted is for someone to care about *me*... I can't even do
that anymore, I have to make sure everyone else is feeling as good as I
can help them feel. Even if it makes me want to throw up, like today.
Cat breaks up with me, and I tell her "Hey, you told me from the start
that you'd look after yourself first." so she'd feel better... And here I
am, with people only offering me sympathy niceness... Crap like I said
above, the shit like "You've treated me like an absolute goddess, but..."
I don't care. Fuck it. It's not worth it. I don't want to deal with
the world. It scares me, and hurts me every chance it gets. I'm a firm
believer in Fate, and Fate fucking *hates* me. The bitch.
Shit, I've ranted too long. Good night to all but Fate. To Fate, FUCK
YOU!!!!
-- "I am *NOT* a fucking budgie!" Catriona Silcock
From <<>>@nucleus.com Wed Mar 26 08:25:25 1997
Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Re: Drunk, but that's the only time I'm honest...
From: <<>>@nucleus.com
Date: Wed, 26 Mar 1997 16:25:25 GMT
On 26 Mar 1997 07:59:29 GMT, <<<<>>>>@chat.carleton.ca (Chris Salter)
wrote:
>That's not particularly what's got me upset... Although it's the
immediate
>cause, it's not the ultimate cause... I mean, seriously, how many times
do
>people have to say things like "You've treated me like an absolute
>goddess, but..." and "If I were single, I'd go for you in a second,
>but..." and "You seem like exactly the type of guy I *should* go for,
>but..." and and and and... Fuck. I'm really getting fed up with this.
>can't be a complete asshole, because everyone's careful to be really
nice
>to me. But it still hurts. And with every gentle rejection, it hurts
>more.
There comes a point in time in your life, when you get fed up and
won't take it anymore...because it is always the same song and dance.
What is going on, do you want to "fix" yourself for them? What fixing
needs to be done? When there are no answers, just apologies, all
apologies and "I never meant to hurt you"....so on and so forth.
You have to continue on...and until you really look at it, decide that
you have had quite enough of it you will continue along the same path
as always, waiting for the slim chance that TheOne(tm) will come
along, because it is like everyone else says, you are a nice guy,
right?
She won't. I assure you. Mebbe after many years of this rigamaroll
you will settle for somebody who isn't right for you but who Loves you
and Needs you , and mebbe it will be enough to sustain you.
After a few drunken conversations, hearing testimony after
testimony,from others, TheOne seems to come when you are completely
averse to any dealings with the opposite sex. They took the time to
spoil themselves, have fun, not worry about what was wrong with
themselves anymore.
Even guys who seem to have everything absolutely everything going for
them have experienced this, and women of course too.
Right now you have the opportunity to develop power, turn self pity
into anger, get bloody angry. Feed off of the anger and turn it into
power.
Decide right now that you are going to do everything it takes to make
*yourself* happy, you are going to spoil yourself.
Instead of doing all those wonderful things for the women, do it for
yourself, you treat women like Goddesses? Why not treat yourself like
a God? Where would that take you?
Decide right now that you are not going to fix yourself for anyone but
you. Its your world that you are living in, not theirs, live solely
for yourself. On your deathbed you will never be able to get into the
heads and minds of others so start creating and collecting moments
that make *you* joyous.
Decide right now that you will not get involved in a relationship for
a good while...because if you have any power or passion in you they
will recognize it and suck it out of you and use it to go on further
for themselves. You are too vulnerable right now. You need to build
and develop a muscle, a very particular muscle so that you don't give
over to other people anymore the very essence of you.
You need time. You need to incubate and go slowly and develop and
practice power.
I remember hearing of all things" You made me feel like a God, I
never felt so much power and confidence"...and then he offered his
apologies for going after the woman he had been dreaming of for
several years....heh...I gave him the confidence for that. seems I
gave a lot of me to a lot of people, how nice, how very nice.
I decided hey I gotta stop giving it away,I want a piece of that
action for myself. And did.
Funny thing when you do this, everyone wants a piece of you, there is
some elusive quality about you they want. Power. They want it, they
want to be like you, they want something from you. And it takes
discipline not to give it away, I nearly crumbled, but then went into
isolation again for awhile.
Now finally, I am strong enough to be in a relationship and to give
back to the world because I keep my reserve for myself. I can
actually give more now than ever before. And I spoil myself
throroughly.
Chances are nobody is ever going to spell it out for you in these
terms, it probably sounds absurd. This is Usenet and I am anonymous,
this is the face behind the face, and consider yourself lucky that you
get me in an honest moment. Few people will get this honest.
Power? Yes power. Ever see someone with power, true power? Admire
them? I did. How do you get power? Do you get it when everything is
going right? Never. You can only develop power in adversity, you
only develop strength when the need arises. And even after that you
need to work at maintaining it.
Just remember its not supposed to be fun, it *is* work. Sometimes it
is right boring. Sometimes the only thing that kept me going is
looking at all the slack-jawed masses --their features dissolving into
a lazy mass of flesh without muscle. Ugly now, after years of boredom
and complicity etched onto their faces. Don't believe me? Take a
look around at the world---they are everywhere. Fat and heavy now
from feeding off of others . And lost.
Then after awhile it gets fun, its a game matching wits against your
most able opponent ----yourself.
You might not like it, at least it is an honest account.
I hope you give it a try---sooner than later.
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
+ + + + + + + + + + +-+-+=+=+l+u+k+e+w+a+r+m+=+=+-+-+ + + + + + + + + + +
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
+lukewarm@bbs.bplanet.com + + + + + + + + + ftp.etext.org/pub/Zines/Luke+
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
+ + + + + + + + + + + +and i was all like: "what?"+ + + + + + + + + + + +
+ + + + + + + + + +copyright? what copyright? (c) 1997+ + + + + + + + + +