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Low Self Esteem Issue 22
My Depression...
Written By Sarah
Feb. 12 1997
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This issue of LSE is going to be about my own experiences I've had with de-
pression. I think I've probably had more experience with depression than most
people my age (almost 16), so I guess I'll start at the beginning and tell
you about how my depression is progressing as I get older.
When I was in elementary school, I was always the kid getting picked on. I
was the kid nobody liked and I was always playing alone at recess. I had a
few friends, but we weren't that close. I was lonely a lot, but it didn't
bother me much back then. After getting picked on, I'd go home feeling very
sad, but most of the time I'd forget about it by the next day.
All the harassment really didn't bother me much until the 5th or 6th grade.
I think that's because everyone was older and knew even meaner things to do
and say. I can still remember a lot of the awful stuff that happened in those
years. I got my first small taste of depression when I was about 11. I would
feel really bad at night and have trouble falling asleep. It would be gone
the next day though, because I still had hope that things would get better.
But I was harassed again and again. It never stopped.
At the end of 6th grade (June 1993) I was very happy because I knew I'd be
starting Junior High and I thought everything would get better then. I
thought I'd make tons of new friends and people would like me. I was very
hopeful. I started Junior High in September 1993 and it was the worst exper-
ience I had ever had. All the new kids who met me hated me, and my very few
old friends abandoned me. They thought they were too cool to hang around me
now. They had made a lot of cool new friends. So I was all alone except for a
few friends who talked to me now and then. And the harassment was worse than
I ever thought it would be! I didn't go through a day without being harassed.
One day I decided to count how many different times I was harassed, and I
counted 25.. and that was before lunch! I stopped counting after that. That
was an average day for me.
So in the 7th and 8th grade my depression really started to set in. My mom
even commented that I never smiled anymore. I thought about suicide a lot.
The harassment never stopped. The other kids were always thinking of meaner
things to do and say to me. I was never happy unless I knew I wouldn't have
to go to school for awhile.
There is something that I have to mention that really helped my depression
set in permanently. There was this boy named Kenny who I really liked a lot.
I think I loved him. I had liked him for 2 years, and he was finally starting
to return my feelings. He'd be so nice to me, he'd put his arms around me.
This went on for a few months (April - July 1995) and it was practically the
only thing that gave me hope . Well, one day, all of a sudden, Kenny slapped
me in the face very very hard. So hard I could hear this weird noise in my
head. It's hard to describe what the noise was like. It was kind of high
pitched, almost screeching. He told me that he never wanted to see me or talk
to me again. And to this day I don't know the reason he did that. I'm not
sure what the exact date of that horrible day was. I think it was around July
15, 1995. I always feel really sad around that date. This year marked the two
year anniversary of the most depressing thing that has ever happened to me so
far. After that incident I really had little hope left for boys and didn't
even hope to get a boyfriend. I knew that was something that would never hap-
pen to me. I wasn't good enough for that.
I still had a little teeny bit of hope left for High School. I thought there
was a chance that everything would go great. I was definitely wrong. High
School is just as bad a Junior High, and my depression is now worse than
ever.
All the harassment has affected my mind. I can't enjoy anything that I used
to. Things like beautiful summer days and holidays like Christmas and Valen-
tine's Day depress me. I now prefer the nighttime and the only holiday I like
is Halloween. All the harassment I've gotten in my life has turned me into a
person who is very dark on the inside. I don't want to be this way, but
there's nothing I can do.
Little things depress me too. I can't watch a romantic movie or listen to a
love song without feeling depressed. I'd rather watch a horror movie about
people being killed. I've realized that I'm slowly turning into some kind of
sicko. I laugh more during bloody horror movies than I laugh at comedies. I
feel happy inside when an ambulance or police car drives by me. Some day I'll
probably kill someone and end up in prison. I also can't be the kind sweet
person I want to be. I can't get close to people because I'm suspicious of
everyone and don't trust anybody. I always know they will do something to
hurt me, and I'm usually right. I want to be sweet to people, but I can't
because I'm afraid I'll get a bad reaction from them. So I don't even try.
I think I'm losing the ability to love someone. From all the horrible things
that have happened to me I've become afraid to love people. Whenever I love
someone they usually hurt me. And it hurts even more to be hurt by someone I
love. Lately I've noticed that I don't love very many people, even if I want
to love them. My soul is probably tired of being hurt so much so it stopped
loving people. In a way that's good because I won't be hurt as bad. But it's
also bad because if I ever find someone who loves me it's going to be very
hard for me to love them back.
During the past year (1997) I've had three boyfriends, and they all hurt me.
I'll call the first one Chris (so no one will feel offended that they went
out with me, I won't use the real names.) I fell head over heels in love with
Chris. Then he told me that he was gay and left me for another guy. Then I
went out with Peter. Peter just lost interest in me and stopped calling. My
last boyfriend was Jon. I was more in love with Jon then I've ever been in my
life. Then Jon just stopped calling me too. That hurt me almost as much as
losing Kenny, if not just as much.
Right now I'm so depressed I don't think I'll ever be able to love again. Not
like any boy would actually want to go out with me. Each time I'm hurt, I be-
come more depressed.
Valentine's Day is coming up and I'm dateless again. Big surprise, huh? I was
just reading the Valentine's text that I wrote last year and I can still de-
finitely relate to it.
Well I'm going to stop writing now, I know I'm boring you!
-- Sarah AKA Feia