💾 Archived View for clemat.is › saccophore › library › ebooks › bofh › newbofh › bofh24jan.txt captured on 2021-12-04 at 18:04:22.
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TThhee BBaassttaarrdd OOppeerraattoorr FFrroomm HHeellll
TThhee BBaassttaarrdd OOppeerraattoorr FFrroomm HHeellll eedduuccaatteess aa PPFFYY ......
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It's a quiet Monday morning as I wander into my office and make for my
desk, only to discover its pristine surface has been taken over by what
can only be described as a Pimply-Faced-Youth.
"Hi!", the PFY gasps ", I'm the new network trainee you organised last
week"
Instead of stopping, I drop my case and about-face to the Boss's office.
He informs me in no uncertain terms that the salary review he suffered
after my report to the supervisor review last week has in no way
contributed to what might appear to the casual observer as a vendetta.
Pure coincidence.
He also informs me that the PFY is not only here to stay (at his
appointment), but might even stay longer than myself. I'm to train him
to the point of absolute confidence ...
Sadly, there's only room in my office for one, but that can wait.
...
"I've been answering the phones while you were away!", PFY cries as I
return, brandishing a huge wadge of "While you were out" messages.
I decide to give every impression of complying with the boss's wishes.
"OK, file them then look at this", I say, switching on the network
monitor.
"Where should I file them?"
"The filing cabinet", I say.
"But I can't see a ..."
"The round one ..."
"... on the floor ..."
"... IN THE CORNER !!"
"One was important!", he gasps.
"This is networking, they're all important. Now, it's imperative to be
able to recognise important users when they phone".
"Oh. How do I do that?"
"You don't, it was a joke. This is networking, remember? They take what
they get and are happy with it or they get an 'upgrade' to a 150 baud
modem on an unfiltered power supply".
"How've you managed to stay here?"
"Hmm. A clever mix of superior intelligence, indispensibilty and
ruthless blackmail where required. Hasn't failed me yet. Now, I'll wager
my next pay cheque that 90 per cent of those complaints you took this
morning were from the payments department - am I right?"
"Yes! Is their network faulty?"
"No, it's more of a protocol problem".
"What, protocol as in TCP/IP and stuff?"
"No, more like protocol as in 'When Simon asks to be reimbursed for some
technical manuals, reimburse him straight away'. True, it's mostly
undocumented, but around here it's pretty much a defacto standard".
"So what do we do about the errors?"
"Nothing. We mention that it's a network error we haven't seen before
that's probably described in a technical manual somewhere, then we
implement the 'never-fail network error resolution technique'".
"What's that?"
"We solve all problems with a 'Router Reset'"
"I don't understand ..."
"Simplicity itself!! Someone calls up with a 'networking' problem; you
go and power-cycle their router. Then you wander round their department
and say that you simply had to do it because the person concerned had an
urgent problem that couldn't wait. You'd be amazed at the departmental
hostility you can generate in just one week. If you really want to stir
things up, do it 10 minutes prior to lunchtime - no-one saves their work
before then so applications hang and people lose everything".
"What happens then?"
"We're 'just doing our job', of course! But up in the departments it
becomes a demilitarised zone! Things start disappearing, lunches start
getting doses of cayenne pepper, then, slowly but surely, the calls
stop. If someone has an outage, they won't dare call us, they call the
helpdesk."
"And what do they do about the errors?"
"They write out a 'while you were out' message".
"And then?"
"Then they pass them on to us".
"And we ..."
"FILE THEM!"
"What do we do for the rest of the time?"
"Monitor how the network is REALLY working, where bottlenecks are
occurring, and also plan for upgrades in the next budget round"
"Really?"
"Don't be stupid. You any good at Immortal Kombat?"
"I'm OK.."
"Right, doubles. Winner does the next reset, loser buys the doughnuts".
It's a tough life at the top, but life is what you make it ...
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