💾 Archived View for clemat.is › saccophore › library › ebooks › bofh › bofh › bsa.txt captured on 2021-12-04 at 18:04:22.
⬅️ Previous capture (2021-12-03)
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TThhee BBaassttaarrdd OOppeerraattoorr FFrroomm HHeellll
TThhee BBaassttaarrdd''ss ssttiillll aabboouutt
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It's a warm afternoon as I roll into work after a heavy night at an my
favourite bar.
I'm in such a run-down mood I almost don't notice the smell of deodorant
in the air. Deodorant can only mean one thing - an outsider. No-one here
cares if their smell offends anyone. The smell is pretty thick which
means the bearer must have been here a while.
As these thoughts steam sluggishly through my brain, I trundle through
to the expresso machine and fill my tankard with the syruppy dark roast
Italian.
Barely have I time to turn off logins than I meet today's visitor.
"Simon?" the boss chirps from the doorway "Ah.. I'd like to meet John
Stern, he's the speaker from "MOTIVATION 2000" that we mentioned in the
departmental newsgroup last week..."
"HI!" John gushes, powerdressed to the max.
"Oh, Do we have a departmental newsgroup?" I ask the boss, toying with
him.
"..and sent you email about.."
"Well, you know I don't read my email, it's just a load of mealy mouthed
whining from malcontents" I counter
"But I send you mail all the time.."
"Like I said, it's just a load..."
"AH SIMON, John's here to talk to us about improving our department's
morale"
"Morale? What's wrong with our Morale? Hell, I laughed THREE times
yesterday"
"Yes, I heard the ambulance... Simon, this is a compulsory meeting. All
the department will be there..." the boss urges, fingers crossed
"Ah yes, how is the flock?" I ask, disinterestedly
"I'm sorry? Simon, the whole department is going. It would be good.."
"Yes. Well, I don't think it would be *good* `morally' for me to attend"
"Simon >PREGNANT PAUSE< I'm not *asking* you to attend.."
Now THIS is a turn-up for the books! The boss, against all popular
rumours, appears to have a spine. True, he's sweating profusely and has
picked up a tremor, but he does appear to be holding his ground. I re-
evaluate the potential threat of John, and decide to attend.
"Oh. Oh, Ok then" I mutter in a defeated manner
The relief on the boss's face is phenomenal. He immediately ceases
radiating nervous heat and his bowels get a new lease on life. He smiles
nervously and starts his exit to a new world of respect and authority...
We all have our dreams...
"GLAD TO HAVE YOU ON THE TEAM SIMON! YOU WERE MAYBE A LITTLE HESITANT TO
START OUT WITH, BUT I'M SURE WE'LL GET TO BE GREAT FRIENDS!!!" John
blurts
"Yes" I say, concentrating on remembering where I put my coffee
"YES. NOW COME ON, BUCK UP!!!"
"I'm sorry?" I whisper, instantly in attack mode - the boss freezes in
terror
"BUCK UP!, YOU KNOW, MOTIVATION!!"
"Oh, `BUCK' up.." I relax
The boss giggles nervously and resumes his exit waddle.
"YOU KNOW SIMON WHENEVER I HAVE MOTIVATION PROBLEMS I SAY TO MYSELF
`IT'S A DAY TO CELEBRATE, 'CAUSE TO DAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF
MY LIFE!'"
"I see. So it'll be a double celebration for you today then?"
"I'M SORRY, I DON'T GET..."
The boss `GET's allright, and hurriedly drags him from the room. I
decide its time to get some real work done, and call an ex-operator
trainee of mine who works at the National Security Information Centre. A
good trainee too, passed with flying colours. You can tell, he's still
alive.
"HELLO!" he shouts "WADDAYA WANT!"
Old habits do die hard
"SIMON HERE" I shout back
"SO?"
I compliment myself on a job well done.
"I want some information on a John Stern"
"Stern. Isn't he that Motivation guy?"
"The very same."
"Yeah, I don't have to look him up, but I will anyway. He came here
three weeks ago for a motivation retreat. I got a non-specific disease
those days"
"Tragic. But what did I tell you about problems? CONFRONT THEM HEAD ON!
DON'T AVOID THEM!! It's bad for your rep."
"Yeah, you're right. He's coming back in a couple of weeks for a
refresher and I can't back out those days because we're updating vetting
info on some national politicians and I'll want a copy for... backup
purposes"
"I'm sure you do. Well, what can you tell me?"
"Well, I'm afraid I can't tell you anything Simon. As you know all our
information is carefully monitored for compliance with the Data Security
and Privacy Laws, and there's no way to extract information without it
being monitored"
We laugh, and he emails everything to me. I look through the data and
find that Stern is cleaner than the Watergate filing cabinet. A great
shame.
Motivation O'Clock arrives and I wander to the seminar room. John's
setting up some display on his laptop, no doubt with lots of cartoon
characters depicting co-operation and unity. Nothing turns my stomach
more...
"SIMON! GOOD TO SEE YOU!!" John spurts. He slips his hand into mine with
a non-threatening orientation. I grab it in such a manner that his ends
up on top of mine in the classic repressive Body-Language manner. He
immediately notes this, loosens his grip and starts to remove his hand,
all according to plan. A squeeze and twist later and John's morale is a
little less than 100% with two dislocated fingers.
"Oh! I'm sorry!" I gush, helping John back to the nearest available
seat.. ..which unforunately has his laptop with it's fragile liquid
crystal display.
Tragic.
>Whumph!< The room is plunged into darkness, the cause of which I can
only guess at. Today's guess is the campus climate control computer
started every heater and fan at the same time instead of one by one,
resulting in a massive load on the campus power supply, popping all
breakers. Just a guess of course.
"Nobody Move!" I call "It's dark and we don't want any accidents!!"
Everyone in the department freezes, knowing what this means. The god of
computing wants a sacrifice, and volunteers are being called for.
"HOLD ON EVERYONE, I HAVE A TORCH IN MY BRIEFCASE!" John calls
If John were telekinetic, he would be reeling back from the mental
shouts of "DON'T DO IT!". However, he obviously, and sadly, is not.
>WHOP< >WHOP< >WHOP<
Or should I say, WAS not.
Two minutes later the lights come on and the tragedy is revealed. The
police are called.
"...apparently, fell forwards, head first into his briefcase, the
spring-loaded lid of which slammed down upon his neck three times,
snapping it like a twig"
I nod. The boss nods. The flock nods. One big happy family once more.
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