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You could ponder for a long time about where to introduce responsibility into things. The way I've managed to remain mentally at comfort is usually by dismissing blame altogether, since the causes of most of these things — interpersonal foibles and behaviors — can only be theorized about, too rarely proven.
Maybe all you can do is identify to yourself and others the proportions of the "energies" at play, you might say, by which I mean pain, growth, safety, freedom, etc. People of charitable mind will adjust themselves as they see fit; the others won't. What more can be done? The strictures of cause and effect, with all the blame, shame, and guilt they entail, are like any tool useful sometimes, but best applied circumstantially.
Well put. I've thought before that cause and effect, applied to the irreducibly complex web of human interaction, leads to dealing with things by circumstance at best, and trying to find original cause or final outcome impossible tasks.